My Sweet Candy Habit Ch. 14

Ignoring her remark I went on softly, "I've tried, I've really tried. I would have loved that sometime during the past few weeks things would have turned around for you, but they haven't. And since I can't pull you out of this...this despair and you're unwilling to help yourself, the people who care most about you, myself included thought it best I not see you again for awhile. At least until you get your life back on track, then we'll see."

Candy's head snapped around and she looked at me with fear and pain on her face and in her eyes.

My God those eyes, those wonderful eyes. So much of the real Candy had been revealed to me through these windows to her soul. With all the hours I'd spent lost in them I'd seen so much in those beautiful brown eyes of hers. I'll miss looking into them most of all I think.

My heart ached as she almost pleaded, "Really I'm...I'm not...there's no problem here. I told you. Really, there's nothing wrong...nothing at all wrong with me," then gave a half-hearted smile.

We sat in silence for several moments looking into each others eyes. Through tears hers searched mine until she saw I was serious about what I'd said. Then she abruptly stood and I followed suit.

Then there was crying, screaming, being called several things I'd have preferred not being called, begging, kicking, and a couple smacks across the face...mine. But eventually she wore herself out and plopped down heavily into a chair.

Sitting on the edge of the chair Candy hung her head and held her face in her hands as she cried, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed.

By prearranged signal I pulled out my cell phone and pressed the talk button to dial the last number called...Jocelyn's. This signal would bring her and Richard to the house but they'd wait outside until after I'd left and then come in.

I slipped the phone back into my pocket then said, "Candy, for what its worth I never meant to hurt you. Never in a million years would I intentionally do such a thing, and its killing me knowing I did just that. But just by being here is reminding you things aren't going to change and you just can't accept that. I have no choice, I have to do this."

Then I walked over to the chair Candy was seated in, squatted in front of her and with my finger lifted her head by her chin to face me. Looking into her teary eyes I said, "Regardless of whatever happens there are three things you can count on and should never forget...ever. I'll always be your friend no matter what and want only the best for you; if there's ever anything you need I'm a just phone call away and lastly but certainly not least...I'll always care about you and will miss you terribly." Leaning in I kissed her forehead and then rose and walked to and out the front door without looking back, even though my heart was breaking as I heard Candy sobbing heavily sitting in the chair where I'd left her.

But oh how I wanted to go back. How I wanted to take Candy into my arms and console her, to tell her how sorry I was for hurting her. To tell her I was wrong and that I could never leave her, never give her up...that I loved her. But since I knew I wouldn't leave my wife for her I couldn't do that. For once in my life I couldn't be selfish.

When I stepped out through Candy's front door Richard and Jocelyn were standing in the little rock garden by the walkway. They both looked at me as I walked by but I just couldn't face them. I was ashamed of what I had done, that we were in this situation because of me, that I had hurt Candy so badly. Not a word was spoken between us as I walked to my SUV and drove off.

As I drove away from Candy's home it was my turn to cry and I'm not embarrassed to admit that. The tears came and I had to park out by the river to collect myself before going home. The sense of loss I felt couldn't have been any greater than if I'd lost any other loved one. Inside I felt empty, hollow, distraught and downright dead. Thinking of how just a few minutes ago I'd left Candy in the chair sobbing only made me feel that much worse. And it really came as no surprise to me to realize it wouldn't be the sex I'd miss, it would be Candy herself.

I've already admitted to having had numerous affairs over the course of my, at this time twenty-five year marriage. And during this time I've broken up with probably a score of women. But I'd never before been affected so deeply by a breakup as I was for this one, and I didn't like the way it felt. As they say, I guess I was finally getting a dose of my own medicine.

For the next few weeks Candy's number appeared in the caller ID of my cell phone often but keeping my word to Richard and Jocelyn I didn't answer, although it was hard as hell not to. By agreement we were waiting for Candy to get through this before I'd take her calls again. Jocelyn or Richard would let me know when that time had come. I also deleted her voicemails unheard, positive I'd not be able to keep away after hearing her voice.

Almost two months passed when one day my cell phone rang and it was Jocelyn. We spoke several minutes and she let me know although at first it was rough things had eventually turned out well for Candy. She had continued a downward spiral for almost three weeks after our last talk, staying drunk almost the entire time. During this time she whined I never called or returned her calls. And because I didn't she had started saying all kind of vile things about me, sometimes venomously and with a lot of hatred and vitriol. To keep her from going over the edge on that issue Jocelyn said she sat her down and explained to Candy that she and Richard had asked me not to take her calls for awhile.

My chest ached hearing Candy had had such a difficult time of it. And even though I hurt too, that didn't ease even a little bit the pain I felt for Candy and the suffering she was going through.

Jocelyn went on saying, "Me and Richard took our share of verbal abuse from Candy too. About us butting into her life, about how if we'd stayed out of it you'd still be around."

Tightly squeezing my eyes closed I said, "I'm sorry. I really wished that hadn't happened. You two shouldn't have had to go through that because of me. But it sounds like Candy's still having problems adjusting."

Jocelyn said, "Don't worry about it, we expected it really. At some point we knew Candy would turn on us and somehow make it our fault. We were ready for it. And yeah, at that point she was still in denial. But she was almost done, almost through it and would turn the corner soon. That turn came one day when she started talking about you and her as someone would a fond memory, reminiscing."

During our conversation Jocelyn said early on Candy had also gone through a destructive phase throwing and breaking things. But that didn't last long and by the end of the first month had started pulling herself out of it.

Jocelyn went on, "She dried out, threw herself back into her work and eventually stopped talking about 'us'. You know...you and her."

"Hmm," was all I could think of to say.

Then she told me, "Believe it or not Candy's been celibate since you left. Even with me she won't do anything more than allow me to cuddle with her."

And that truly surprised me given how passionate Candy is.

"How have you been?" Jocelyn asked sympathetically.

"Under the circumstances, about as you'd expect."

"I hope you know how sorry I am this happened."

"I know. Thank you." Then after a pause I added, speaking in a choked whisper, "Jocelyn, I miss Candy so much.

Jocelyn replied, the emotion evident as she spoke, "I know you miss her; I can hear it in your voice."

I paused another second or so, deciding whether or not to share my doubt with her then said, "Sometimes I think I made a mistake not leaving my wife for her."

"Well...that was the decision you made. Was it the right one? Only you can answer that." Then there was a long silence, a sniffle, then she said, "Anyway she'd like to see you, to say goodbye."

I didn't say anything for a long time then finally said, "I don't think seeing Candy at this time is a good idea."

Jocelyn replied, "At first I didn't either but now I feel Candy wants closure, she needs this. She said you got your chance to say goodbye, she just wants to be able to do the same."

It took a bit but Jocelyn eventually convinced me to meet with Candy one last time.

We met two days later at of all places the zoo. I waited, seated at one of the café's tables and stood as Candy walked towards me about ten minutes later. When I'd seen her emerge from the throng looking so beautiful my heart went to my throat.

I held her chair as she sat then said, "You're looking well."

Candy smiled demurely replying, "Thank you."

She removed her sunglasses and put them into her purse. Then we sat silently looking at each other across the table for nearly half a minute. In her eyes I could see there was still something there, that she still felt something positive for me. And since the flame of my love for her still burned brightly, I know I certainly felt something for her as well.

Then Candy said, "I understand now why you thought you had to do what you did. And I also believe what you did was probably the most noble thing anyone's ever done for me. I want to thank you for your consideration, for thinking of me. My only wish is that it would have ended differently but I'm ready to move on now."

I nodded then asked, "Is there someone in your life?"

She gave a small laugh and said, "You know me; I always have someone in my life."

Knowing differently I nonetheless told her, "Good, I'm happy for you."

Candy smiled weakly and slightly nodded her head once or twice.

Then I said, "I'd like to thank you too. I want to thank you for the best five years of my life." Before I'd spoken I hadn't realized how emotional those words would make me, so I had to pause for several seconds before following up with, "Candy, that wasn't said lightly, I truly meant it."

Apparently Candy's emotions were as raw as mine. She tried to say, "You're welcome," but her voice couldn't carry it off so her lips just mouthed the words.

Silence passed between us for several long, long seconds as we looked into each others eyes then I asked, "Do you remember the three things I asked you to never forget?"

Candy closed her eyes and nodded.

I asked, "Do you believe I meant them?"

With a weak little smile she looked at me and said, her voice quavering, "I know you did."

"Then there's something else I'd like you to remember too and believe just as strongly."

"Oh?" she asked, her eyebrows arching.

"Regardless of whatever happens and no matter how much time passes you'll always be with me, a part of me. In here," I said as I patted my hand against my shirt over my heart.

Candy's eyes closed as she nodded her head for two or three seconds then they opened again.

We sat looking into each others eyes for another five or ten seconds when Candy said, her voice a bit stronger now, "You know I'm glad we met and thankful for our time together. I think I'd have missed something important and special if we hadn't met."

My heart breaking all over again I replied, "I know what you mean Candy, I feel the same way. But it was a special time because of you. You are one very special lady."

Candy replied softly with a simple, "Thank you."

My now former girlfriend sat for a few seconds more then abruptly stood and I followed more slowly. We stood facing each other across the table for several seconds more. A lot of things were silently said as we looked into each others face and searched each others eyes, each of us looking for...something. I think if that moment had lasted a couple of heartbeats longer I'd have broken down and this story would have had a much different ending.

But then Candy's face took on a renewed resolve. She took a deep breath, lifted her head a little higher, thrust out her hand and said, "No hard feelings, ok? And good luck."

I looked down, staring at her outstretched hand like a dummy for two or three seconds then reached out and took it in mine. Looking back up into her face as we shook hands I nodded and said, "Same to you Candy."

As she turned to leave I noticed in the sunlight the smallest tear just beginning to roll down her cheek and then watched as she walked out of my life, hoping she hadn't noticed the tear in mine.

I stood behind the café table and watched her back as she walked away, watched as she brought one hand up to her face, watched as the regal figure of Candy disappeared back into the crowd. Then speaking just loud enough for myself to hear I said, "Goodbye my love."

In the years that have passed since that day on occasion we do still see each other in business or social settings, but outwardly it's nothing anywhere near what we once had. When we see each other we're cordial, friendly but not overly so, more like we're nodding acquaintances. And honestly that's the best way, although it's difficult, so very difficult being so near yet so far away. Because despite distance and the years I still love Candy and do miss her terribly.

And while this may only be wishful thinking on my part; even though we act like we barely know each other when we're at the same function or even in the same room, it has the feel of being just that...an act. It seems the way we've tacitly chosen to 'act' cordially and friendly around others is forced, not natural. Others, not aware of our history, have even commented to me about 'sensing' an underlying tension between us. I never explain to anyone about our affair but usually respond with something like, "Really? I've never noticed that." But the way we still look at each other across a room or across a table, a seemingly chosen word here or there, a caress when we shake hands; yes, our mutual passion and desire for each other still lies there just below the surface. But again like I said, all this may just be wishful thinking on my part.

And when I see her with other men I admit to feeling pangs of jealousy. But when this happens I allow myself just a bit of arrogance; thinking if I wanted to I could go over to Candy and with just a few words take her from them.

But could I really? Even though I've just said our feelings for each other lie just below the surface so much time has passed now, who knows if Candy would leave with me. Who knows if that's true? Anymore.

And sometimes I catch her staring. Looking into her eyes I can still see so much there, before one of us looks away. And yes occasionally she catches me staring too.

Jocelyn and I still talk every month or so. She keeps me abreast of what's happening with Candy. Is she ok, safe, healthy...happy.

Today, July 2005, Candy's still with Richard and after him Jocelyn's still her number one love. But I hear she hasn't been involved in any long term relationships with a man since our late 1997 breakup.

I'm not saying I ruined her for other men, I'm not that good at it and certainly don't think that I am. But I feel Candy's more trying to protect her feelings from that kind of hurt again than anything else. Frankly I think it's a shame because this is a women who has so much of herself to give and shouldn't have to guard her feelings that closely.

That day, the day Candy asked me to marry her I told her an unmitigated untruth when I'd said, "I love you much more than as a friend, but not as deeply as a life partner." That was an outright lie, and I knew it when I said it.

Most women and some men wouldn't understand this. But I honestly believe it is possible to love two women equally, both deeply, both passionately and want to be committed to and be with both just the same.

I believe this because in my lifetime I have loved like that. But unfortunately the reality is life just doesn't work that way, we can't always have what we want. No matter how difficult it is sometimes a choice has to be made.

As I said at the beginning of this story; call it fate, kismet, chance, coincidence or something else. But whatever you want to call it...sometimes she turns out to be a real bitch.