My Teddy Bear Ch. 05

The thoughts had spun around in my head while I completed the shopping and walked the 15 minutes back to my flat, and Teddy, now in front of me in all his naked glory.

"Look what I found," I purr, popping out the first one and swallowing it. "In five days, you can have me unprotected."

"Five whole days?!" He raises his eyebrows in mock surprise.

"I know dear... it will be such an ordeal..." I'm crawling up the bed towards him. "Now, about that promise you made me..."

***

The weekend passed in a haze of love and lust. After that brief trip out of doors, we didn't leave the flat once. He'd fucked me so many times I was achingly sore as I climbed into the van for our return journey.

We did it all over the flat. On the sofas, in the bathroom, on the dining table. We hardly wore a stitch of clothing the entire time. I picked up six discarded condoms when tidying up towards the end of Sunday, and he hadn't even used one every time. We probably got into the double digits overall. Eventually I'd had to just shove all my crap into several bags because we'd left no time for the packing to be done in a more considered manner.

We were taking a risk, being so brazen. It was still possible that Lola or another absent flatmate would return, but as indicated by the signs of total abandonment, nobody seemed to be present in the entire building all weekend, let alone in our flat.

We'd not got a lot of sleep, so I slumped against the passenger window shortly after departing, and upon waking an hour or so later, offered to take over the driving and give him a chance to rest. He happily agreed, but not before laughing at how strange I'd looked folded up and trying to get comfortable in the very uncomfy seat.

As I drive, I'm alone with my thoughts again. It's impossible not to think about the same old thing, the life-changing question that will be answered within a week's time.

Still unbelievably frustrated at how vague all my body's signals are, and how many of the signs are basically the same for either outcome, I have to consider the possibility, and I try to picture what it will mean if it's true. My prior reluctance to entertain thoughts of abortion is still strong. Motherhood had always felt like a distant choice, but it was one I felt sure I would make some day. If there is a child growing inside me, I already feel quite protective of it. Owning up to my love for Teddy makes the thought of us creating a life together quite thrilling, even though there are some pretty drastic inherent complications there.

It's an irreconcilable dilemma. On the one hand I have the reluctance of youth to accept a decades-long responsibility for another person combined with the societal taboo of becoming a parent with my brother. On the other, I have a strong feminine instinct to nurture and cherish the creature that may be growing inside me, conceived - if indeed it has been conceived - with a man that I have discovered an intense love for. And if it is a happy thing, what about the inbreeding part? Am I going to curse a child to live with terrible illnesses in addition to bearing the shameful secret of being born of incest?

The question plagues me for the rest of the drive home. Teddy sleeps, appropriately enough, like a baby for the remaining two hours on the road, drowsily stirring when we're less than five minutes from home. I reach over to him and take his hand, trying to draw strength from him that will help me to reach some kind of - any - conclusion.