Naiya's Fresh Start

Megan, still looking slightly wounded actually managed to look a little relieved as she nodded and then added "Of course I can. I mean I know we haven't known each other very long, but you're totally my friend. If you tell me something and tell me not to say anything my lips are sealed. Swear to god. No one will ever know. I mean, ugh, don't think you have to tell me anything. I mean, I feel like I'm almost begging for you tell me and I totally do want to hear it, but I don't..."

"I want to tell you. I mean, I have to tell you at some point. Well, not... I don't know... it's just... fuck, okay, here goes..." Naiya said and then covered her eyes for moment as she thought of the best way to say it and then decided that blunt was best if only for clarities sake. "Ashlee was my girlfriend."

"Well, I figured that, but...oh..." and now it was Megan's turn to pause as a look of shock came over her face for a second and remained there as she asked "You mean like girlfriend not girlfriend, don't you?"

"Yeah," Naiya said with a sigh as she turned away from the shocked look on Megan's face as she actually began to cry. She wasn't bawling, she wasn't sobbing, but she could feel the tears beginning to form and swell up in her eyes as she began to think she'd made a mistake. As she turned away, however, Megan couldn't help but notice a tear as it began to roll down her cheek and she instantly shot into action.

"Oh, fuck, Naiya," Megan said as she sat up and then pulled Naiya into a hug which was instinctively returned as Naiya almost instantly stopped crying as a feeling of comfort just washed over her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to look all shocked it's just... I don't know. I just didn't know. I mean you were bitching about some dickhead named Max like a week ago. I just thought... wait, what about him?" As Megan asked this she loosened the hug so she could look Naiya in the eye. Her look was inscrutable, but somehow very non-threatening. Still, it was a little uncomfortable for a second as Naiya studied that face wondering how to answer the somewhat accusatory question and her response was just naturally a tad defensive as a result.

"Well, I wasn't lying about him. He was my boyfriend and he was an asshole and I did break up with him just before I left for school because he fucked my friend. I wasn't lying. It's just... it's really fucking complicated. I don't... I don't know how..." Naiya said and she was cut off by an apologetic hug.

"Girl, don't stress yourself. I'm just totally stoned right now. Never mind me and my confuzzled brain. I just had no idea. I mean, why should I right? I don't know. Just don't cry about it. I mean, seriously, what girl hasn't at least made out with another girl? Hell, I've done it like a billion times. Shit, my best friend Mandy has like the softest lips. Oh my god, that girl can kiss, but you know... I don't know. Dude, don't worry about the kind of stuff around me. I don't care if you like girls. Shit, Mandy did and I made out with her. Never anything else though, but...whatever. Is that what was stressing you out?"

Naiya found herself smiling at this classic Megan response and even initiated a quick warm hug herself before they naturally just broke apart both of them knowing that the tense moment had passed, but for the first time in a long time Naiya actually found herself wanting to recall her wonderful and disastrous relationship with Ashlee. Sure, as Naiya began to tell her tale Megan again assured her that she didn't have to. Naiya however insisted on the basis that she really needed to get it off her chest, so she did.

It wasn't really a long story, but it was tough to get out because, honestly, it was definitely not Naiya's proudest moment. She'd barely got to the part about how she had been Ashlee's first when Megan started rolling another joint because, as she put it, "I'm guessing you're gonna need this by the time you're done."

She was right, too. Sadly, without the calming effect of the marijuana on her mind Naiya likely wouldn't have been able to get through how she'd started to question her sexuality after she started to realize that she was beginning to have real, deep feelings for Ashlee. In fact, even with the weed and Megan's non-judgmental attitude and rapt attention Naiya still had a hard time when she got to part where she starting talking to her ex-boyfriend while she was still going out with Ashlee and even did it right in front of her.

"Damn, you're cold," Megan had said when Naiya told her that part. She then quickly apologized when Naiya frowned sadly, but Naiya just shook her head and brush off the apology.

"No, it was a fucked up thing to do. It's like the whole time I knew if I just talked to her about everything that she'd totally understand. I mean, you don't know Ashlee, but she was totally like the nicest, most caring person I've ever known and she totally would've understood. Dude, I almost guarantee you should've let me fuck Max just to get it out of my system or whatever, you know... even knowing that there was a chance that I might break up with her, but like I still couldn't say anything to her about it. I mean I just couldn't. I wanted to, but I fucking couldn't do it. I mean that's kind of why I talked to him in front of her. I was kinda hoping she'd just say something, but she never fucking took the bait. Not once and the bam! I actually started buying that assholes crap and next thing I know she's fucking my stepsister."

"Dude, what?" Megan said and then coughed harshly as she choked on her last hit. It took her a minute recover, but when she did she repeated the question and then clarified by adding "She fucked your step sister? I didn't even know you had a step sister."

"Well, yeah, I don't like talking about her. They're kind of living together. That's actually one of the things that kinda set me off."

"What they were living together before? I thought Ashlee was like our age."

"No, they... you see, they're both going to ______ and they don't have that rule that we have about freshman having to stay in dorms, so as soon as they realized they both got in there they talked our parents and Ashlee's parents into letting them rent an apartment and living together instead."

"Lucky bitches. I mean, no offense, but I'd love to have my own place. Sure, if I did we'd probably have never got to know each other or Connie and Becky or whatever, but you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I get you. I was totally jealous about it for forever, but then I realized that it would've sucked to be all by myself... and that's half of it right there..." as Naiya said that she started to feel a little depressed. This was why she didn't like talking about it. It just made her feel so incredibly and impossibly dumb to realize how childish and irrational she had been in those last few months at home. Even being with Ashlee had just been a whim really, something she hadn't thought out. Honestly, if she had known that she would have developed feelings for Ashlee so quickly she likely never would have even approached her.

But what hurt most about thinking like that was the fact that she really didn't know if never being with Ashlee would have been better than what happened. The first couple months of their relationship had been the best thing that had ever happened to her. Sexually, emotionally and in just about every other imaginable way it was so perfect, but still she'd thrown it all away for reasons she still didn't fully understand. An odd mixture of jealousy over things that hadn't even happened, the fear of loss over what might happen when they were separated, fear of losing herself in the murkiness of her own confused and seemingly incomprehensible sexuality and her need to regain some control over the emotions and feelings that had been building in her ever since she'd had sex with Kelli seemingly just for kicks only to find herself wanting to feel more of what she'd felt that night.

It was still all just too overwhelming to even begin to think about and now here she was stoned and tired and trying her best to explain all these complicated and maddeningly irrational thoughts that had driven Naiya to destroy her relationship with Ashlee to both herself and Megan and feeling like she was failing completely. It only got worse when she got to the part where she was forced to recall what she'd given it all up for: One whole week of boring sex, bad conversation and overall dissatisfaction with Max that she ended herself much to his surprise and anger.

And in the end the only one true friend she had left was Kelli and by that time she just wasn't enough and Naiya even ended up just using her as well. Not that Kelli had cared. She'd been more than happy to play the role of Naiya's grudge fuck for her own selfish reasons. Naiya, however, felt so guilty about it that she couldn't even talk to her anymore either, so she was left with nothing. Of course, there were other issues with Kelli as well, but, frankly she didn't even care about that. It was nothing, as far as she was concerned, compared to her own sins.

Naiya had also lost the respect and love of the girl she'd always concerned the closest thing she'd ever have to a real sister. Not that Macy had actually cut Naiya off or even really stopped loving her, but for obvious reasons that that love had changed and was no longer unconditional. Most of the few conversations they had had before they'd both left for school had been almost painfully polite with a few exceptions. Those exceptions had hardly been better as they were mainly Macy showering Naiya with pity because she more than anyone else actually understood what was going on in Naiya's head, but that in no way meant she approved of the way Naiya had chosen to behave. Still, those few conversations where Macy had let her guard down and let Naiya know how she truly felt really had been the best thing for Naiya even though they still made her feel like the worst person who had ever lived.

All this, more or less minus some extra embarrassing, but thankfully unnecessary details here and there, were all coming out of Naiya's mouth and going straight to Megan's ears. Megan's expression was unreadable, but she was definitely listening, taking in every word while urging Naiya on as she purged her soul of at least a portion of the pain she'd been keeping bottled up inside of her. Only when Naiya had apparently petered out after talking about her newly strained relationship with Macy did Megan say anything besides "yeah?" or "mmhmm..." and when she did it was almost shocking in its simplicity.

"That's it? Well that aint too bad."

"What? Dude, were you not listening to me I..."

"Yeah, I heard you, but, girl, we've all fucked up in the past. I mean, hell, when I was in junior high there was this guy named Kyle who had a huge crush on me, but who I was totally not into but I went out with him anyway and then totally punched him when he tried to kiss me. Poor kid actually cried. I felt like shit for forever about that."

"Yeah, but did you lose your best friend? Did your sister stop loving you? Did you..."

"Oh, shut up. Look, I'm just saying that we've all done stuff that was either mean or stupid or for reasons we never really understand, but you can't just like dwell on it forever. I mean, you were a cunt, but as far as I can tell that's hardly the norm. I mean we've been living in the same room together for weeks now and, seriously, girl, you're like my best friend. Fuck, I like you better than I like my best friend back home. At least you don't like the Jonas brothers. That's far worse than anything you've done."

Naiya couldn't help but laugh at that last little bit and she easily returned Megan's friendly smile as they continued to talk for the next hour with Megan returning to her natural role of dominating the conversation as she made many obvious attempts to make Naiya realize that while, yes, what she had done was messed up she was hardly the only person to have ever made a mistake or done something worthy of regret. She was right, of course. Naiya couldn't help but admit that and by the time they'd smoked yet another joint and moved on to talking shit about one particular professor they both hated she actually felt better about herself then she had in what seemed like an eternity. Even when they both called it a night went to their separate beds to sleep Naiya still felt much more at ease with herself then she would have ever imagined possible.

This feeling actually lasted quite awhile. In fact, it never really went away. Oh, she still felt bad over what she had done, but she was no longer beating herself up about it or keeping it inside. She'd even decided that when she went home for Thanksgiving break she'd actually try to apologize to Ashlee. Sure, she had no delusions that would be easy or even necessarily mean all that much to Ashlee, but she wanted to at least make an attempt to mend their friendship. Whether she failed or succeeded she really didn't care. She felt like it was something she simply had to do and somehow she knew she would if given the chance.

Eventually, however, Naiya began to realize she had other more immediate problems beginning to develop right under her nose. Problems that weren't at all unforeseen, but problems nonetheless. Problems that made all the progress she'd made completely meaningless if she didn't handle it all very, very carefully.

The problem was that she was beginning to get odd vibes from Megan ever since she more or less came out of the closet to her. Not negative vibes which would have been terrible, but eventually she couldn't help but notice that there was a definite, though at first subtle, change in Megan's behavior that was more than a little worrisome. Worrisome because Megan was definitely starting to remind her of herself when she was still very curious about what it was like to be with another girl.

Of course, to some this might have seemed like no problem at all. After all, it wasn't as if Naiya's initial burst of physical attraction upon catching her first glimpse of Megan was an anomaly. Hardly, in fact, after she got to know Megan better Naiya actually found herself even more attracted to her very pretty, smart and fun roommate, but until Naiya had told Megan of her experiences with other Kelli and Ashlee and the fact that she was fairly certain she might be gay or at least a very female oriented bisexual Naiya had kept that attraction under control based on the assumption that Megan was as straight as a girl could be.

That assumption of straightness, however, had started to look a little presumptuous fairly shortly after Naiya was out. Not just from the mention of the kisses that Megan had shared with her friend, either. Naiya wasn't naïve. She'd known several girls back in high school that had made out with other girls and while some of them may have gone a little farther she was absolutely certain that a good number of them never did and never would. Even some of the girls who might have gone further probably didn't find themselves suddenly realizing they were gay or bisexual. It was just something some girls did for various reasons from simple curiosity, a sense of experimentation and even, sadly, just to get some attention from the opposite sex.

No, that kiss had hardly meant anything to Naiya when Megan copped to it. What did mean something to her were the other things that started coming out of Megan's unfiltered mouth as well as certain subtle changes in behavior that may have meant nothing, but which seemed to mean an awful lot. It took awhile for Naiya to start wondering though because, really, it built up slowly over time as if Megan was building up her courage or maybe just overcoming a small bit of shyness that had gone previously undetected by Naiya.

At first, it was just questions that spoke of a certain amount of curiosity. Nothing big at first. Really it all started out with some basic and really quite unobtrusive queries about whether or not Naiya liked this or that about some girl or whether she thought this girl or that girl was cute and some teasing about whether or not Naiya would or should go with just about any girl she said was cute. Again, nothing big and, honestly, nothing Naiya minded in the least even though she wasn't quite sure she was ready to get back in the game quite yet. Still, it was fun to have someone to talk to about that kind of a thing. For once, it actually felt normal to be checking out other girls, assessing their physique and personality from a far.

That wasn't it, however. No, there was also the fact that Megan definitely seemed to gradually get more and more comfortable being nude in Naiya's presence. Not that she'd been exactly shy before, but Megan definitely seemed to spend a bit more time naked or, at least, in less clothes then Naiya had become accustomed to in the weeks after Naiya had come out. Honestly, at first it had been so subtle that Naiya hadn't even noticed and by the time she realized that Megan had stopped sleeping in her jammies and had switched to panties and relatively tight t-shirts just when the weather was starting to get colder Naiya was inclined to pass it off as just her mind playing tricks on her. At least, she had been until she started noticing that Megan also seemed to have lost her ability to dress in the bathroom after her shower when Naiya was awake and in the room and she often took quite a bit of time to do it once she was in the room as well.

Not that Naiya even allowed herself to read into any of that very far at all. After all, she was deeply aware of the fact that she was attracted to Megan, so she was more than willing to just pass it all off as her own desires playing tricks on her brain. At least, until Megan started the touching.

Again, though, even that was never really anything that crossed any definite lines. Just offers of and requests for foot rubs and back rubs as well as a bit more hugging than had previously been normal and the occasional toying with her hair. Again, nothing too beyond the pale, but enough to feed her imagination a bit during late night masturbation sessions times when Megan was at class and Naiya had their room all to her self. A couple of times, when she'd been desperately in need of some relief in the middle of the night she'd even dared to do it right there in the room when she thought Megan was safely asleep, but eventually that came to a stop after a couple of instances where she could've swore that she heard some noises from Megan's bed that led Naiya to believe she may have much more awake than Naiya had thought and may even have been doing a bit more than just laying there. As usual though Naiya just pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind and allowed her doubts to make excuses for the soft sighs and subtle movements she may or may not have heard and sign in the darkness of their dorm room.

Again, there was more. More than just talking about what kind of woman was attracted to, the tempting nudity and the playful touches, more than just those little steps towards intimacy that may have just been Naiya misreading someone she was really still getting to know, more even then Naiya's suspicions that they have masturbated together without Naiya really knowing it. There was also another phase of seemingly endless questions, usually asked when they were both good and stoned, about some more specific aspects of Naiya's sexuality. They were nothing like the earlier questions about whether she liked girl x's butt or if she thought girl y was fuckable. No these questions came a bit later then those seemingly innocent questions about attraction and at first they were always asked awkwardly and in a very un-Megan fashion. When Naiya at first seemed more than willing to answer them regardless of their somewhat personal nature this too changed and Megan quickly started to seem much more eager to learn while asking for ever greater details as she listened intently to every word whenever she could get Naiya to open up and spill all that she knew about having sex with girls.