Nanny Sarah

"Sure, mom. We can probably work something out. Yeah. I'll check and call you back. OK. Love you."

Sarah wrung her hands once. "So, that was my mom."

I quirked up one side of my mouth. "So I gathered."

"Yeah, well. Remember me telling you they go on vacation during Thanksgiving?" I nodded. "Well, this year they're going to Gatlinburg for the week, and they'll be coming back through on Saturday. They'll get a hotel for the night, but they wanted to know if we all could have dinner."

"That's it?" Her tone of voice sounded like this was some huge favor. "Sure, of course. I'd love to meet your parents." She still looked unsure. "Are you okay?" Do you not want them to come?"

"No, I do." Sarah hemmed and hawed for a second. "I just, um, my mom can be a little judgmental at times. Like, she won't like the fact that you're a single mother. And she doesn't approve of what I do. I'm kind of a failure in her eyes, I think. No career, no family." A tear rolled down her cheek, and my heart broke for her. I also felt a wave on anger. That anyone could think the kind, capable, wonderful young woman in front of me a failure made me furious.

Sarah wiped her cheek. "She's not all bad. I mean deep down she just wants me to be happy." She smiled. "My dad's great though. You'll get along great, I'm sure."

"I'm sure, too." Sarah was still a little upset, I could tell. I reached out and took her hand. I wanted to pull her into a hug, but she squeezed my fingers and let go. I could see the walls go up behind her eyes. There was something she wasn't telling me.

"Thanks, Connie. I'll call her back tomorrow and make the arrangements." She started to back away, which broke my heart. "I think I'll go up to bed."

"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow." I watched her leave. "Sarah?" She turned as she started up the stairs. "You know you can always talk to me about this, right?" She just smiled, but it wasn't a real one, it didn't touch her eyes. She didn't believe me, and that hurt worst of all.

***

Thanksgiving came on quickly. We were super busy at work, putting the finishing touches on all the holiday ad campaigns. It would slow down significantly after Thanksgiving, when all the Christmas and New Year's work was finished.

Sarah started prepping Thanksgiving dinner on the Sunday beforehand. Saturday found us at the grocery store, which wasn't unusual, but leaving with a twelve-pound bird was a new experience for me. It was way smaller than a lot of the others, but Sarah assured me that it was more than sufficient for two women and a four year old.

I'd deftly fended off the various invitations I always received, Joan being the most insistent. Lauren had pushed harder in the past, but when I said Sarah was staying and cooking she'd dropped it with a knowing smile.

The Monday before the holiday I got homework after putting Heidi to bed, who, by the way, was ridiculously excited about Nanny Sarah cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I came downstairs and sat on the couch as normal. Sarah came out of the sitting room and handed me her tablet.

"What's this?"

"Your assignment. Just press play." She had that little non-smile she got whenever she was pretending to be serious. Her mouth may have been flat, but her eyes were dancing, and I knew I was in trouble.

I turned back to the tablet. I could see a man in a chef's apron standing behind a counter Julia Child style. I hit play.

"So you've cooked the perfect turkey for Thanksgiving. Now I'm going to show you how to carve it like a pro."

I hit pause. "Seriously?"

"Yup." Now she was grinning at me.

"But I can't carve a turkey!"

"You have three days to learn."

Now I am not naïve. I understand that every piece of meat I eat was once a living animal. That being said, I do not like meat on the bone. I prefer my dinner to be a little more, um, divorced from its original form. Such as the burger, or the nugget, or the stick. The concept of me personally dismembering a turkey corpse made me a little woozy.

"Sarah, I'm not..."

"Connie, you are the head of this family, and you will carve the turkey." She pointed back to the tablet. "Now go on." I closed my eyes and pressed play.

For the next two nights I dreamt about turkeys chasing me with carving knives. But I pressed on, watching multiple videos and talking with several of the guys at work who'd done it before. By the time Thanksgiving actually came I was a nervous wreck. The turkey had been a central figure for the last two nights.

On Tuesday Sarah prepped a brine, which bubbled away on the burner filling the house with little scents of heaven. Wednesday night the turkey and brine went into a huge bag purchased for the occasion. Heidi thought it was amazing. I was just nervous.

Thanksgiving dawned, and I went down and made breakfast. I still wasn't going to win any awards, but I'd gotten better watching Sarah. I could make decent scrambled eggs now. (Add a pat of butter. Who knew?) I also made sausage and hash browns. Sarah was still the true master, and she started in around eleven, and by one o'clock the whole house smelled like roasting turkey, which is one of the most wonderful smells on earth.

'Miracle on 34th St.' was playing, the black and white Edmund Gwenn version, of course. A gas fire was burning in the fireplace, and Sarah was singing softly in the kitchen. Soon she called us in and I peeled potatoes while Heidi washed them with Sarah's help. Then we made the green bean casserole and rolled the crescent rolls. My little girl was over the moon, cooking with Nanny Sarah. I'd seen her mirror play Sarah so often. Getting to really participate, especially on such an important meal was adorable.

A little after two the oven door opened and Sarah peered in critically at the golden bird.

"Ok, he's done." Out came old Tom, and if you thought the kitchen smelled heavenly before, oh, man.

Sarah deftly transferred the bird onto the cutting board, where I would have to massacre him in about half an hour.

Heidi squealed and clapped.

"It's so pretty! And it smells great!"

"Mm-hm, but he has to cool before your mommy carves him." Sarah adjusted the knobs on the oven. "While we're waiting we can cook everything else."

In went the green bean casserole and a few minutes later the crescent rolls. I called Heidi in to help me set the table, getting out my mother's good china for the first time since I could remember.

Eventually Sarah started bringing in food, a tureen of mashed potatoes, a boat of homemade turkey gravy. Heidi carried in a basket of crescent rolls as I brought in the butter. Then stuffing, green bean casserole, everything yummy and good.

"OK, Connie, I think it's time."

I walked back into the kitchen, where Tom and his cutting board had been moved to the island. Heidi climbed up on her stepstool, looking at me in awe as I picked up the knife and huge fork. I summoned my inner Julia, and set to work.

It wasn't perfect, but I have to say it went better than I expected. I had a nice tray of white and dark meat, with two drumsticks and wing flats. I could also see that Sarah had been right. We'd never eat all this. But I was pretty sure she had ideas for the leftovers.

The wishbone sat to the side. I picked it up and held out one end for Heidi.

"What's that?"

"It's a wishbone, honey. We each make a wish and pull on our end. Whoever gets the bigger piece's wish comes true."

"Really?"

I smiled at her. "Maybe. It depends on the wish."

Heidi looked over at Nanny Sarah, and then back at me. "Ok, I know my wish."

"Good. Don't tell me." I knew my wish, too. She was standing on the other side of the island.

Heidi grabbed her end and we both pulled. I heard the snap and a wide-eyed four year old was holding the winning side. "I got it! Look, Mommy!" Look Nanny Sarah!" Heidi held up her trophy proudly. "That means I get my wish!"

"I hope so." I was surprised by my jealousy at that moment. I'd wanted to win. I wanted my dreams to come true. Don't we all? I had to give myself a mental shake. "Okay, munchkin, wash your hands, time for dinner."

***

Dinner was, in a word, mmm. The turkey was juicy and delicious, and everything else was perfect. Before that dinner I was down ten pounds from the day I'd met Sarah. I was pretty sure I'd gained it all back after that one meal.

When the food was put away and the dishes were washed I flopped down on the sofa. Heidi was passed out on the carpet, Mr. Bear serving as a pillow. Sarah walked over and covered her with a blanket before joining me. On the TV George Bailey was running through the snowy streets of Bedford Falls.

Sarah laid her head on my shoulder, and I pulled what I'd come to think of as our afghan around us, letting my arm drape around her.

She snuggled in closer. "I'm not sure I've ever seen this all the way through."

"I love it on Thanksgiving, even if it's technically a Christmas movie." Reminds me to look at the good, to be thankful for everything."

She tilted her head back to look at me. God, those incredible green eyes. I could just drown in them.

"So, what are you thankful for, Connie."

"My daughter, my friends, everyone who makes my life special." I hesitated a moment, using every ounce of emotional control I possessed to keep my voice from cracking. "And you. I'm so thankful for you."

Her eyes shone in the firelight, a soft smile spreading over her beautiful features. Her arm slid behind my back, and I pulled her to me. This time there was no reason to hurry our embrace, so we didn't. I held her long and tight, my heart singing in my chest as I did. Even with everything today, her hair still smelled like berries. After an eternal moment we broke apart. I looked into her eyes and felt the connection. There was fear, and hope, and maybe even desire there. My own burned with tears, and as one rolled down my cheek she reached up and cupped my face, brushing it away with her thumb.

I began to lean forward. Sarah's eyes closed and her head tilted to the side. My heart jackhammered in my breast as I leaned closer. And just as my lids began to flutter shut I heard movement from the carpet. Sarah turned in my arms, but did not pull away. I looked over her shoulder and there was a grinning four year-old sitting legs akimbo, wrapped in her blanket, watching us.

My first instinct was to jump apart. Don't get caught. Stupid, because we were well and truly caught. But I felt Sarah's calm wash over me, and I didn't move.

Sarah leaned against my shoulder, pulling my arms around her. "Hello, sleepyhead. Did you have a nice nap?"

Heidi looked at me, then back at Sarah before nodding 'yes.' She stood, holding Charlie by his horn and her blanket by the fringe, and toddled around the coffee table and climbed into my lap. She situated herself and Charlie while Sarah and I held each other under our blanket. On the screen, George Bailey was pulling his daughter's flower petals from his coat pocket, exulting in the fact that his wonderful life was back. I looked at the two precious ones there with me, and somehow I felt my own was just getting started.

***

Sarah actually went off and braved the mall on Friday. When she returned, Heidi and I were ordered off into another room while she carried several bags upstairs. We both giggled to each other as we fought the temptation to peek. I was surprised at how much I felt like an eight year-old again, knowing there were presents in the house for me.

"Remember, Heidi, you are not allowed in Nanny Sarah's rooms. If Santa sees you snooping for presents he won't come on Christmas Eve."

"I promise, mommy."

"Okay." I scooped her up into a hug and dropped my voice to a whisper. "But I'm curious, too." Heidi giggled as I gave her a kiss on the cheek before setting her down so she could go sit and draw at her little table.

After breakfast the next morning Sarah started in on the house. I could see her nerves building steadily as the visit from her parents approached. I'd also noted that she'd opened some space between us. She'd retired last night as soon as I'd put Heidi to bed. I couldn't remember the last time we hadn't spent any time together in the evening. I'd missed her.

Sarah did a lot of housework, and I had to remind myself often that she was my Nanny, not my maid. She'd always just shrug and say she didn't mind. But today was different. I realized that after she mopped the kitchen floor. Twice. It was the first time I'd seen her like this. I threw in to help, running the vacuum in the living room and dusting everything I could. Sarah came in and actually ran her finger over the shelves I'd done, checking to see if they were up to snuff. Heidi picked up her toys and straightened the books in her play area, and I was sure she'd noticed the tension, too.

"Mommy, is Nanny Sarah mad?"

"No, honey, she just wants everything to be nice for her mommy and daddy."

"Oh. Okay."

She went down for her nap, and I went back downstairs, where Sarah was scrubbing the countertops, her hair tied back with a handkerchief. I walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Sarah, honey, the counter's clean. You've already washed it."

Sarah pulled away from my touch, and I felt a physical pain as she did. She rounded on me, but her anger drained away at my hurt expression.

"I'm sorry, Connie." She bowed her head and flipped the scrubber into the sink.

I tried to make my voice kind and concerned. "Why are you so worked up about this?"

"I..." She shrugged helplessly. "I don't know."

"I think you do."

"You sound like my dad."

"Why don't we go sit on the couch? I could rub your shoulders, we could talk about it."

Sarah shook her head and backed away. I could see the pain in her eyes. "No, I think I'm going to go upstairs and get ready."

I wanted to reach out, to grab her and pull her close, but everything about her body language said please don't touch me. Everything except her eyes. I watched her turn away and walk up the stairs. Two nights ago we'd been inches away from a life-altering kiss. Had I gone too far? No, I didn't think so. This had something to do with her parents coming. And I would support her through it, and hopefully, on the other side, I'd get my Sarah back.

The Peters were about fifteen minutes early. I'd changed into my nice, cream-colored blouse and best pair of jeans, the same outfit I'd worn to meet Sarah, the only difference being trading in my sandals for a nice pair of boots. I was brushing out Heidi's hair when the doorbell rang. My daughter popped out of my lap and smoothed out her red dress.

"Do I look pretty, mommy?"

"Very pretty." I reached under and pulled up her white cotton leggings. "Now, we're on our best behavior tonight, right?"

"Yes, mommy."

"Okay, go on downstairs."

As I descended I could hear voices coming from the foyer. Heidi was peeking around the corner. She looked over at me and mouthed, "They're here!"

I straightened my posture and entered. Sarah was hanging coats in the closet, so I waited a moment as she finished. "Mom, dad, this is my employer, Constance Walker. Ms. Walker, this is Theodore and Margaret Peters, my parents."

Mr. Peters took my hand. "Delighted, Ms. Walker, please call me Ted. And this is my wife, Maggie." His hand was big and beefy, like the rest of him, but his grip was soft and welcoming. His eyes danced above red cherub cheeks. It was a face easy to trust.

I shook hands also with Maggie, and I could feel her critical eyes. So similar to Sarah's in a picture, markedly different in real life.

I looked back to where I knew Heidi would be peeking and held out my hand. The munchkin ran in, curly hair bouncing, and grabbed me around the leg. "And this is my daughter, Heidi."

Any judgment dropped from Maggie's as she squatted down. "Hello, Heidi. I'm Mrs. Peters."

Heidi pulled her face away from my jeans. "Hi. Are you Nanny's Sarah's mommy?"

I noted an almost imperceptible wince at the word 'Nanny,' but her smile didn't slip. "I am. Does she take good care of you?"

Heidi nodded with enthusiasm. "She's so much fun!"

Ted's chest puffed out a little at the compliment. "That's my girl. Always had a way with the little ones."

I motioned into the sitting room. "Please, take off your shoes, have a seat, you have to be tired. Our reservations aren't until seven, so we have time." I sat down in one of the chairs, and Heidi crawled into my lap while the Peters situated themselves on the sofa.

Sarah had disappeared into the kitchen. She emerged a moment later with a tray sporting a cheese ball and a variety of crackers, something she'd obviously prepared beforehand.

Her dad's eyes lit up. "Oh, honey that's wonderful. I'm famished." He leaned forward and helped himself. Maggie did not.

"So, Ms. Walker...."

I held up my hand. "Connie, please."

"Connie, what do you do?"

"I'm an ad executive."

Ted's face quirked into a mischievous smile. "So you trick people into buying things. As a psychologist I find that fascinating."

I chuckled. "Well, I prefer to think of it as 'creating demand', but yes." I met his gaze steadily. "I understand you teach psychology at Calvin College?"

"I do. I still practice one day a week."

"And do you do research?"

"Yes, mostly on body language, facial expressions, and such."

"So no matter what I say, you're going to read me like a book."

"Of course, chapter and verse. But don't fret, my dear. I have far too much class to say anything. At least, not while you're in the room."

I laughed, while Maggie reprimanded her husband with a look. He just grinned and took her hand.

I opened my mouth realizing my poor hostessing. "I'm so sorry. Can I offer you something to drink? We have coffee? Tea? Wine?"

Ted smiled. "I'd love a glass of wine. Settle the nerves, you know. Maggie?" She nodded her assent and I started to stand.

"I'll get it, Ms. Walker." Sarah stood quickly. Heidi hurried after Sarah into the kitchen. That had been the second time she'd called me Ms. Walker, and I'm sure my confusion was evident, particularly to her father.

Maggie looked around the room. "You have a lovely home."

"Thank you." I gave them the short version of how I'd come to live here.

"And do you ever expect to marry?" Sarah had been right. There was a note of judgment in Maggie's voice.

"I hope so. I hadn't planned on growing old alone, and I'd love to give Heidi siblings. But they have to be the right someone. Sarah's been such a blessing. The house feels so much more alive with her here."

Ted was clearly pleased at the compliment, but Maggie was obviously not keen to forgive me for making her daughter a servant.

Sarah came back into the room with four glasses of wine and we spent a reasonably pleasant hour or so chatting. Much of it was spent with Sarah's mom bragging on her grandchildren. The youngest was already sitting up by herself, definitely a future athlete, and Benjamin, the oldest, had been selected for a traveling soccer team for the spring. Also, Rachel, Sarah's younger sister, had been assigned to a team on her firm's biggest account. Such an honor.

I smiled and congratulated as appropriate, but I could see Sarah's discomfort, how she looked down and swirled the wine in her glass. Her father noticed it as well, and he would direct questions to her, asking about Heidi and the things they did together. She responded with Heidi's exploits at school, including a few I hadn't heard, and stories about her afternoon play dates with her two little friends, Amy and Sumitra, or Sumi. I realized I'd been hearing about these girls for months, but still hadn't met them or their families. I filed that away as something to remedy.

Heidi chose that moment to wander back into the sitting room clutching Charlie. "Nanny Sarah. Will you come play with me?