Naomi's Story

"Do we really need to do all this again?" I'd hoped this was all in my records, but apparently it wasn't. She'd already gone through the list of expected questions; family history, social history, drug use, alcohol use, smoking, comic books. I admitted to watching South Park and SpongeBob Square Pants. She snickered at that and moved on to my medical history, which at least made some sense. It chewed up most of the first appointment.

"Yes, I'm afraid we do," the doctor answered. "It's been seventeen years, Ms McConnell. We'll have to bring your record up to date."

"None of the information has changed," I grimaced. "Why repeat all this stuff?"

Doctor Merrill smiled. "No, the information hasn't changed. What may have changed, though, is your attitude toward the information. We need to find out what you've moved past, what you've rationalized and what, if anything, you've internalized. There has to be a reason for you to be experiencing depression, so we have to make sure that nothing's hiding in your earlier life. Something that looks to be totally insignificant could turn out to be a major clue."

'Oh, brother,' I thought. 'Just what I need, a bunch of psychological psychobabble. Is this going to be another exercise in futility, or maybe even stupidity?' "Okay," I agreed. "I guess that sounds reasonable. Where do we start?"

"Where do you want to start?" she inquired.

"I don't know. All the movie and TV shrinks start with the patient's childhood."

"That sounds like a good idea for you. You've got to admit, you had a rather unusual childhood."

I frowned. I can't believe we're going to slog through all of this crap again. I hope she can get more out of it than the first one did. "Yeah, I guess so. There weren't too many other preacher's brats in my school."

"Was that a problem for you?"

I shrugged. "Not at first, I don't think. It started to become a problem when I reached high school. The other kids treated me like I was somehow different. I had some friends, but I still didn't really fit in."

The psychologist picked up her cup of tea and took a sip. "Why didn't you fit in?"

"Most of the kids acted like I was some kind of 'goodie-two-shoes', like I thought I was better than them. Even my friends were careful around me. There were a lot of things they wouldn't talk about around me. They tried to make sure I didn't notice it, but it was obvious. Took almost two years before they realized I was just another kid. Then I started to fit in with them and they included me in all the girl talk."

"Did that bother you? I mean, being treated like you were somehow different?"

I grimaced. "Of course, it bothered me. I was a fourteen-year-old girl. How do you think I felt?"

"I'm not sure. I was hoping you'd tell me."

"I felt like garbage. Actually, there's a better way of saying it, but I'm trying to be polite."

The doctor chuckled. Her smile made me feel a little more comfortable. "Well, don't worry about that. I've heard some pretty gross language in here. I doubt that you're going to go that far." She made a note on her little pad before looking back to me. "Did you hold any resentment for your parents because of this?"

"I don't think so," I replied. "They gave me a good family like. They loved me. They protected me and they taught me. Not much to resent there."

"Right," she chuckled. "Now you want to give me an honest answer?"

I felt a surge of irritation at that, but I knew what she was getting at. She was right. It wasn't all that great. "It was so restrictive. Everything was so negative. Thou shalt not do this, thou shalt not do that. Don't say that. Don't look at that. By the time I was in high school I was wondering what was so terrible about all these things. I mean, how can you learn anything if you're not allowed to look at it, read about it, talk about it, on and on and on."

She crossed her arms and sighed, looking at me with a piercing regard. "Sounds to me like you're talking about one particular no-no. Were you a junior or a senior when it finally got to you?"

Now I chuckled. I had to admit, she was pretty sharp. This might be worth the effort after all. "Actually, I was a sophomore. I talked with my girlfriends, saw some magazines, but that was as far as it went. It made me nervous and I didn't want to have to explain anything to my father. But the real damage occurred in a biology class. We were talking about pollination of plants. I asked the teacher how the transfer was carried out in mammals."

"Oh," the doctor grimaced. "So, your parents hadn't taught you the 'facts of life' yet."

"No, and when I told them about it, they just laughed. They'd humiliated me in front of all my classmates and they thought it was funny."

"Were you angry about it? Resentful?"

"I'm not sure," I recalled. "I was probably angry at first but it wouldn't have lasted long. What it did was make me suspicious."

Doctor Merrill reached for her notebook even as she regarded me curiously. "That's an interesting choice of words. How did it make you suspicious? What were you suspicious of?"

"Pretty much everything. I started wondering what else they hadn't bothered to tell me. It made me wonder what was actually behind all of this 'thou shalt not' and 'you can't do this' crap."

"Interesting. How did you deal with that?"

I shrugged. "I just started doing my own research. I was an honor student, so I knew where to look and what to look for. But there's only so much info in textbooks and research libraries. I'm afraid I was getting some of my answers from less than trustworthy sources."

"Less than trustworthy?"

"Yeah. My classmates, magazines, internet articles. I didn't know what I could or couldn't be sure of, so it all registered with me."

"And what did your research tell you?"

"It was a mixed bag. Some of it made sense, some of it didn't. What really registered with me was that a lot of it was ancient information that seemed very out of date."

"Anything in particular?"

"Some of it was almost a health code, something that's been long since dealt with. Most of the sexual stuff made sense but a lot of even that seemed to be outdated. I'm not sure."

"So, did you make any decisions?"

I grimaced. "Sort of. I decided that if I had any questions from then on, I'd find my own answers. I kind of gave up on Church, too. I only went because I had to."

"You had to?"

"Yeah. I was still just a kid. I was expected to be there. If I'd said no, they would have made me go and they would have started watching everything I did like a pair of cops."

"Was it really that bad?"

"It would have been. Mom and Dad weren't bible thumpers, but there was no doubt that I was living in a Christian family. They kept a pretty close watch on what I did."

"Hmm. So, did you become sexually active at that point?"

I shook my head. "No. I didn't become active until the year after I graduated. But I did get myself on the pill. I didn't know when it was going to happen, but I knew it was possible."

She glanced at the clock. Setting her notebook aside, she asked, "Do you want to keep going for a few more minutes or hold this until next week?"

Considering the direction this discussion was going, it was going to be better to wait until we had a full hour to work with. I told her we should probably wait and she agreed.

"Okay, Naomi. I'm happy to have met you. I'll see you next week."

- - - - - - - - - -

Half-way to home, my phone went off. I reached over to the center dash display and hit the answer button. The caller ID had told me it was my agent calling.

"Hey, Heather. What's up?"

"Hi, Nomi. How you doing?"

"Okay. Just heading home for the day. What can I do for you, to you or in spite of you?"

"Oh, it's gonna be one of those conversations, huh? Thought you'd like to know that our glorious know-it-all has put your latest book on hold."

I sighed, shaking my head. "What does that idiot want now?"

"He wants you to remove the rabbits from the book. He's afraid they send the wrong signal to the kids."

"Signal about what?"

"He says they represent promiscuity."

"To preschoolers?! You can't be serious!"

"That's what he said. Wants us to come up with a different animal. What do you think about a cat or a kitten?"

"Oh, right," I snarled. "If he's afraid of rabbits, how's he going to react to a 'pussy' cat?"

"Wow. You're in a good mood. You due to start next week?"

"Hey, I don't need PMS to be a bitch, just a jackass editor."

"You okay? You've been on the rag for more than a month now?"

That got a hiss from me. Yeah, she was probably right about it, but I didn't need to hear it. "Look, things aren't going too well at the moment. Just bear with me. How about a panda?"

"That should work. Pandas are usually good for a warm fuzzy."

"Okay. Why don't you run it by him? I want a thumbs-up before I start to edit the story. It's gonna be harder on the illustrators than on us."

"Alright, I'll run it by him. You get some rest, okay?"

"Yeah. Take it easy, Heather." She said bye and I disconnected.

Driving home in rush hour traffic was more than irritating. It bordered on infuriating. By the time I finally got there, I was angry. My dad greeted me as I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a can of cola from the fridge.

"Hi, Nomi. You don't look too happy. Traffic bad out there?"

Sitting down, I shook my head and released a long hissing breath. "That's an understatement," I finally allowed.

Dad sat down across from me. He looked at me with that expression that said I wasn't going to enjoy whatever he had to say. Still, he wasn't one for lectures or being pushy. I just wasn't in the mood for any more garbage today.

"What's bothering you, kitten? You've been on edge for quite some time now. Is it anything mom and I can help with?"

"Dad," I answered, "I've just been through an hour I wish I hadn't bothered with. On top of that, my editor is being an idiot again. I'm just about fried today."

He knew I was being evasive, so he just sat there. After a few minutes, I finally gave in.

"I'm bored, I'm tired and I don't feel well. I'm reaching the point of wondering if this is worth it anymore."

His eyes narrowed and his frown deepened. He'd heard words like these before, not from me but from some of his parishioners. They worried him. "If what is worth it anymore?"

"Any of it. It just doesn't seem worth the effort."

"You're talking in circles, Naomi. What isn't worth the effort? What isn't worth it anymore?"

I took a deep breath, my eyes unfocussed and my hands on the cold soda can. I took a sip. "I don't think that anything I'm doing is worth the effort. I don't have any interest in life anymore."

He nodded. Apparently, that was what he'd expected me to say. He sat quietly for a minute before responding. "Are you suicidal?"

My eyes closed and my lips drew into a tight line. No, I wasn't suicidal, at least I didn't think I was but, as time went on, it was starting to sound like a better and better idea. "No, I don't think so. I guess I can ask Doctor Merrill about it next week."

"That might be a good idea. You've stopped dating again. Wouldn't that help with the boredom?"

"The only thing those guys are interested in is how fast they can get me into bed. That's what got me here. I'm not going to do it again."

"There have to be some good men out there. Maybe you're just not looking hard enough."

I anger started to deepen. The drive had me on edge to begin with and this wasn't helping. "Dad, we both know where this is going, so let's just drop it, okay? I destroyed my own life and there's nothing I can do to fix it. There's only one man I want to date and he's married. He was married to me until I fucked it up."

I knew that would get a sharp response from my father, but I didn't care. I got up and walked away, going into my room and locking the door. When he knocked, I just ignored him.

It only took a moment to find the photo album I wanted. It had been opened so many times that it just fell open to the page I wanted. The wedding photos got a slight smile from me, a smile that widened as my eyes locked on a handsome young man in a naval officer's uniform. As I stared at the photo, the tears started in earnest.

- - - - - - - - - -

The second meeting with Doctor Merrill went better. At least it started out that way. I knew what we were going to be talking about and I tried to prepare myself for it. She seemed a little tentative at first. Considering the subject matter, I guess she wanted me to set the pace and the tone.

"Last week," she asked, "you mentioned that you had started taking the pill but you still weren't sexually active. Did your folks ever discover you were on birth control?"

"Nah. It was easy to hide those little packages and I seemed to tolerate them well, so there wasn't any change in my health or my behavior."

"So, you maintained your virginity through high school. When did you finally lose it?"

I started chewing on my lower lip. Prepared or not, this wasn't going to be easy. We were talking about me destroying my life.

"Our next-door neighbors had a son in his early twenties. He didn't live there but he visited frequently and he house sat for them. We'd started flirting a couple of years earlier. He was nice to me and it was kind of fun. He had a great sense of humor, we liked the same music and TV programs, so it was easy for us to talk to each other."

"So, he was a friend?"

"Started that way, but it didn't stay that way very long. He was house sitting and he'd just bought a movie that we both liked. He invited me in to watch it and I said sure. I guess we watched about half of the movie. We didn't see how it ended."

"What were your feelings after that?"

I shrugged. Even now I wasn't quite sure how I felt about that relationship. At the time I was pretty happy with it. "Kind of mixed. I felt like I'd done something wrong, something kind of dirty. But it was kind of a thrill. I'd done something dangerous and gotten away with it. I knew if my parents found out they would come down on me like a ton of bricks, but I wasn't going to let them find out."

"How did you feel about the sex itself?"

"I liked it. I was on the pill, so I wasn't going to get pregnant. I was too young and dumb to even think about venereal diseases."

"Did you continue the relationship?"

"Oh, yeah. We saw each other fairly frequently. Began to experiment with different things. I think that's when I started to lose control of my life."

"What do you mean by different things?"

"Oral sex, anal intercourse, sex toys. Stuff like that. I wasn't thinking it through. My body had control of me instead of the other way around."

"Well, there's nothing terribly unusual about that. Most women experiment with anal sex at some point, and oral sex is common. How long did this relationship last?"

"Almost two years, until he moved away to college."

"Was that about the time you met your husband?"

I shook my head, still biting at my lip. "It was after Andy and I married. I should have told Andy about it and broken off the relationship but I didn't."

"Broken off the relationship with who? Andy or your neighbor?"

"Steve. Andy and I were married. I didn't want to give him up. But I was stupid enough to think I could play both ends against the middle and win."

"Um, I'm not quite sure I follow that. You want to enlighten me?"

"Andy and I met through Dad's church. Dad kind of picked him out for me and it clicked. But Andy thought I was a 'good girl' and I didn't want to disappoint him. So, I put on an act for him. Problem was that I had to deny myself things I'd gotten used to and that I liked. It worked for a while, but not very long."

"So, you continued to have affairs?"

"Yeah. We got a nice apartment. It was great for me because it had an indoor pool in the building. I do a lot of swimming. Andy wasn't much of a swimmer but he liked watching me. That by itself was a turn-on for me but it wasn't enough."

I paused and drew a deep breath, letting it out in a dejected sigh. "Andy was gone a lot, inspection trips, school visits, speeches, all kinds of stuff. I started to get lonely. We had a neighbor named Alec. He was handsome, about my age and a flirt. So was I. Didn't take long for me to land in his bed. He introduced me to a friend name Walt one evening. It was the first time I'd ever had a threesome. I liked it."

I was getting depressed. My eyes were locked on my feet. My voice was lowering and I was chewing on my lip. It felt like my eyes were starting to burn.

"You were able to hide all of this from Andy?"

"For a while, yes. I knew he'd catch me eventually. I think I wanted him to catch me. But when he did, it wasn't at all how I'd imagined it would be and his reaction was a lot stronger than I expected. I should have known he would react that way but I thought I could 'explain' my way out of it. Never got the chance."

"So, he did catch you. When did that happen?"

I sighed. My eyes were filling and my breaths were coming in little gasps. Doctor Merrill handed me a tissue and asked if I wanted to take a break. I shook my head. I wanted to get this over with.

"I'm not sure when he caught me. He didn't say anything. We were just sitting in the apartment one day when the doorbell rang. He told me to get it because he had to get something out of the bedroom. There was a Deputy Sheriff at the door. He handed me a big envelope and told me I had to sign for it. I did and then I went back into the apartment. It was from the United States Superior Court. About the same time Andy walked back in and stuck a DVD into the player and turned it on.

He knew I didn't like pornography but that was what was on the DVD, a porn movie. When I told him I wasn't going to watch it with him, he told me to take a better look. When I did, I thought I was going to die on the spot. The movie was me in the pool, being spit-roasted by Alec and his friend."

I had to stop for a bit. It was getting hard for me to talk. It felt like my throat was closing on itself. Doctor Merrill just waited. After about two minutes, I was able to continue.

"Andy told me to open the envelope. I did and I looked at the document inside. It was a notification that he was suing me for divorce on the grounds of adultery. He'd even sent a copy of the DVD to my folks. He told me to pack my suitcases and get out. He actually helped me pack. Said it was the last thing he would ever do for me."

"Did you want to keep him? Or did you maybe want to go back to the freedom of being single?"

"No," I cried out, bursting into tears. "Andy was everything to me. I couldn't have asked for anything better. He really loved me and he really took care of me and I threw it all away!"

"How long had you been married at this time?"

"Almost two years. He told me to go back to my folks. I didn't think they'd take me back. When I went back, mom gave me a hug and just walked away. Dad sat at the kitchen table and nodded. When I sat down with him, he just said 'Your room is still there. Just move back in."

"Did you ever get the chance to talk to Andy?"

"No. My dad talked with him while he was in the hospital. He'd been hit by a truck.

He said he still loved me but he didn't want anything to do with me. He didn't want an apology. He just wanted me to go away. Even after I'd treated him like that, he still loved me. I finally started to realize what a whore I was."

Doctor Merrill crossed her arms, sitting back in her chair and looking at me with a neutral expression. "That's rather extreme, Naomi. You made a mistake, yes, maybe even a series of mistakes, but you can't treat yourself like that. You're still a good person at heart. If you were a 'whore', as you put it, you wouldn't care. You wouldn't be here."