Needing Leah Ch. 05

Crack!

It hurt so much my scream turned silent. Tears spilt. Water spilt. I was edged again.

"M-m-mistress, I'm gonna.."

Off went the vibrator. "Mistress now? Maybe. Not the most original, though. Where's your creativity?"

Crack! The pain on my left cheek was unbearable. She edged me again. I was breathing heavily, I was writhing my head back and forth, closing my eyes, opening them, staring at the ceiling or Ellie or my feet. I didn't know if I could take it.

Crack!

The sheer relief when silence followed. When there was no sound of water falling. I closed my eyes, grateful.

"One. What do you say."

"Thank you."

"Thank you, what?"

"Thank you..." I couldn't think of anymore names. She was glaring at me, waiting. My arms were beginning to ache from holding the bowl. "Thank you, err...captain."

"Am I a pirate now?"

Crack! No water again. I breathed out heavily.

"Two."

"Thank you, boss!"

She shrugged. "I prefer Mistress to Boss. Keep trying."

Crack! This time, she swung as hard as she possibly could. The shock, the force, the sheer pain of it. I jerked forwards with a feeble scream, dropping the bowl. It clattered to the floor and sprayed water outwards. At once, I panicked. Turning to her with pleading eyes that were met with her much fiercer, colder glare.

"That was bad of you, Leah." She said.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I just..."

"No excuses."

I nodded. Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Now what was going to happen? For a split second, I considered arguing, then hastily dropped to all fours at her feet.

"I'm really, really sorry, my Queen."

She didn't comment on that name. All she did was sit down on the desk chair then gesture to her lap. I understood, nervously laying myself upon her. My throbbing cock pressed against her thighs. The tip was hurting.

"How many times are you going to hit me?" I asked. I was already in agony.

"How many would you suggest?"

"Ten?" When she was silent, I added. "My Queen."

"If you were truly sorry, you'd be asking for more than that. And don't stick with Queen, keep trying."

"Twenty?"

"Still too low. For that, I'm doubling whatever you suggest."

"No!"

"Is that arguing?"

"No, I'm sorry, Ellie. I mean, I mean I'm sorry, my...my Keeper. What about 30?"

"So, 60 in total?"

"Please! I'll be good. I promise."

She began stroking my cheeks. Even the faintest touch made me tense up and writhe. She laughed. "You're scared, aren't you?"

"60 is just so much. They're not going to be hard ones, are they?"

She laughed again. "You're so fucking cute, you know? The most adorable, little thing to fall into my lap." She bent enough to kiss me on the back of my head. Somehow, that gave me confidence for what came next. I didn't keep count. I didn't know if she did, either. She spanked with both hands against both cheeks in rapid speed. No breaks, no pauses. The sound of it all drowned out my sharp breath or my moans and screams. I writhed on her lap. Tears fell and I clenched both my hands right against my hair but...but I did it...I reached the end. Suddenly she had stopped and was stroking them again.

"Would you like more?" She asked.

"No."

"Good. You're being honest. I don't want some mindless slave answers, but I do expect to be addressed properly."

"No, my Keeper."

She seemed to stop and think about that name. "Maybe...maybe, I'm not sure. Do you like that name?"

"It's better than captain."

She laughed, then so did I. "I'll ask you never to call me that again. You did well, baby. I'm pleased with you, ok?"

"Ok."

"I'm not pleased you spilt all the water. You're going to have to clean that up in a minute." She continued caressing, sometimes squeezing or gently tapping my cheeks. The feeling was both painful and soothing at the same time.

"Is the punishment over?"

"That depends. Go kneel on the floor. Kneel in the water, actually."

I did as she said, but she tutted.

"No, kneel right down so your arse is resting against the floor too. Now spread your legs as wide as you can. Wider. Wider."

I was trying. "I can't. I'm not flexible enough."

She laughed. "Stay like that." I did. She went to the mirror hanging beside the wardrobe and began brushing her red hair, humming. I didn't move. The position made me legs ache. They were bent uncomfortably and the wooden floor was hurting my knees. How long was I supposed to stay like this? Why? I wanted to ask but I sensed she was waiting for me to speak. She was testing me. I wanted to please her.

"Good girl." Ellie said after what felt like an age. She put the brush aside and returned to me, squatting down to my level. "Now, I'll share a little secret. I said the punishment wouldn't be as bad if you got on your knees and apologised. That was half-true. The punishment would've been exactly the same, however I wouldn't have let you cum."

"You...you mean..."

"You did well just now. You took it without complaining, plus it's your first day here. There's a lot you've had to adjust to and tomorrow's going to be tough. Just this once, I'm going to let you cum. Just this once. And I'll expect you to return the favour."

"I...I get to make you cum?"

That made her frown. "No. Of course you fucking don't. Do you think I'm letting you see, let alone touch, my body? You'll have to make it up to me in other ways over the course of however long you live here." She picked up the tissue box and came over to me. She pulled the thong down, bandaging my cock even more before pulling them back up. "We have to be extra careful you don't ruin my clothes." Having done that, she sat back down on the chair, looking at me.

"I can cum?"

"Yes."

"Aren't you gonna..."

"No, Leah. You dropped the bowl. If you want to cum, you're gonna have to do it yourself, sitting there in a puddle of your own making."

Feeling a little ashamed, I pulled back the thong to wrap my hand around the heavily-padded penis.

"What are you doing?" she barked.

"W...what?"

"You're a girl, Leah. You look like a girl, you dress like a girl. You can touch yourself and cum like a girl, too."

"How?"

"Well unless you wanna stick something up that pretty hole of yours, rub your clit. Do it through the thong."

Clit. That felt strange. I knew what she meant, though. I was desperate to cum and got straight to it. Using two fingers, I rubbed at the head of my penis through the thong, through the tissue. All the padding made me much less sensitive and much harder to cum. I was rubbing a lot. She warned me not to close my legs at all. I tried my best not to, but struggled as I writhed. The friction was starting to make my penis ache. I moaned.

"That's it, Leah. Go on, moan like a girl."

I moaned loud, then...then...

"Good girl, look at you!"

I pulsed several times and felt the tissue dampen around me.

"Oh thank fuck. Thank...thank you Ellie. My Keeper."

"I'm still not sure about that name." She said. "Now, keep going."

"What?"

"Keep rubbing."

"But I've already..."

"Keep rubbing!"

I did as she said. It felt difficult now I'd came. All of my instincts wanted me to stop. I was struggling, to the point she became frustrated.

"Now you're just not putting any effort in. Here." She squatted before me, holding the vibrator firmly against the thong. It was on the highest setting.

"Ellie, what are you..."

"Let's see how much we can get."

A lot more followed. "Stop! It hurts!" Every time I thought I'd stopped, I pulsed again. Then again.

"Good girl, keep going. Keep going, baby."

"It hurts! I can't!"

"Yes, you fucking can."

I came again, then again. Only after I could take it no more and closed my legs did she stop.

"Good girl." She said, standing up. "You took that well, though not for as long as I'd like. We'll have to work on a lot with you. Now, go shower then dry the floor. Then I'll rub some lotion into those rosy cheeks and be nice to you again."

I found myself smiling at that. It felt weird. Was that what it had all been for? I'd just put myself through pain and torment, all so she'd tell me I'd done well? So she'd be pleased? I smiled. I'd been able to cum at least, even if it had been too much. Thank fuck she had let me cum.

"Weber residence, Nadine speaking?" Said my mum, in that painfully formal way she always answered the phone.

"Mum? It's me."

"Liam! Oh, I just got back home a minute ago. You must be finished with your first day, how is it there?"

"Erm. Yeah...yeah it's ok, just a lot to adjust to."

"Did you have classes today?"

"No, it's the weekend, mum. We start tomorrow but-"

"Have you made any friends?"

"A couple. Look..." I said, trying to quiet her so I get a question in. "How much did you and dad research about this place?"

She sighed, sounding stressed. "I'm not sure, Liam, I mean we applied to so many schools, I get them all in a muddle now. Your father will remember more, why?"

I didn't want to admit it. There was no way of raising the point without coming clean on everything.

"Liam?"

"I just...just...you both really want me at a private school, don't you?"

"Oh Liam." She said in that sympathetic tone of voice only mothers use. "I know it's hard but first days in a new place are often a struggle. You've done it before, though. Think about when we had to move you into that state school? All those rough kids and everything."

"It wasn't that rough, mum. It was...it was normal there. I liked normal."

"It wouldn't have helped your grades."

I felt myself getting impatient. "Don't you think there are some things more important than grades?" I regretted saying it the moment the words left my mouth. There was a long pause, then she said.

"You're being bullied, aren't you?"

"Mum, no. I'm not being bullied."

"You haven't told anyone we're poor, have you? You know they'll bully for you that. You know how competitive some families can be about money and about..."

"Mum, I'm not being bullied. I just...I don't know. I don't belong here."

Another long pause. It was hard to tell if she knew this was an all-girl's school and was feigning ignorance, or she really didn't know. "Sleep on it." She said. It was all she said. No questions. No interest to understand why I didn't feel I belonged. It made me fear the worse: she doesn't want to ask...she doesn't want to ask because she knows and she doesn't want to think of her son like that...Maybe. I couldn't be sure without checking, but then I didn't want to. Suddenly I was afraid to discover the truth.

"Sleep on it and I'll guarantee, you'll feel better in the morning." She said, filling the silence. My heart sank. All of the hope, energy, fight, even the anger left me.

"Is dad there?" I asked. My voice suddenly monotone.

"Your father's still at work, Liam. I can tell him you called?"

"Alright, mum. Talk to you later, then."

"Aren't you going to tell me how your day was?"

"Nah I'm...I'm kinda tired at the moment. I'll ring some other day. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Liam. Good luck with your first day of classes."

I sat up on my bed. My back pressed against the corner between the backboard and the wall, my knees drawn up to my chest and my arms wrapped round my ankles. "It's not over yet." I thought. "I can still speak to dad. I can still check with him." That didn't feel much of a hope. Mum had always been the reasonable one, not him. Did she actually know? Maybe she didn't? Maybe that was just me panicking?

No.

Suddenly it seemed so fucking obvious. How on earth could my parents send me to an all-girl's school without knowing? The sheer hassle and skill it must involve to alter my records and make the school think I was a girl named Leah. That doesn't just happen by accident!

Unless you were muddled with a different student actually named Leah?

That seemed unlikely. Dad must have done it deliberately. Mum may or may not know, depending on what he'd told her. I let my face fall against my knees. That was it, then. I was here for good. A whole year of not being me. Possibly two years. Always here, always as Leah. No break at the weekends, no half-terms, I doubted my parents could even afford bringing me home for the Christmas holiday. That meant an entire year of constantly being someone I wasn't. I felt like crying.

Ellie came back. She'd gone for a walk to let me speak with my parents. Now, she quietly let herself in, then saw I wasn't on the phone. She saw my body language.

"Leah?"

I couldn't even look at her. "You don't have to cancel that order of clothes."

"They won't let you transfer?"

"Doesn't look like it."

"Oh, my baby. I'm so sorry, what did they say?" She closed the door behind her and came up to my bed. I continued avoiding eye contact. I was worried I might cry if I looked at her.

"It was my mum. I dunno. They really want me to get a private education, don't they? This is the only school I could get into, so...well I guess that's that."

"Did they enter you as Leah on purpose?" She kicked off her shoes, then slid onto the bed beside me. She pressed her back against the wall, then wrapped her left arm round my side, with her right hand pressed gently against my right shoulder.

"I don't know. I didn't wanna ask."

"Why not?"

"Because how do I ask? Besides, if they did, I don't think I want to know. I'd like to at least pretend they care about me more than that."

"So you haven't told them what you've been doing?"

Only now did I look at her. "What do you thinkI? did you have a good day, Liam? Not really, mum. I dressed as a girl, got picked on for being shy, and the highlight of my day was my roommate allowing me to cum!" She winced a little as I said that. She didn't deserve me lashing out at her, which then made me angry with myself. "I didn't mean that. I just feel..."

There was a long pause. She didn't say anything but watched me attentively.

"Like...you're probably right in everything you said before about me resisting something I enjoy. Being Leah turns me on. I dunno about the punishment but I definitely like it when I've impressed you and you tell me I've done well. And when you're caring. It makes me feel good when I've earned that. It excites me...but that can't be my whole life for a year, can it? I can't base a whole year of my life around what turns me on. Does that make sense?"

"I understand. Obviously, I like you being here but I know you were hoping to leave. I'm really sorry." She pulled me towards her. I didn't resist. I just lolled sideways into her, my head resting down against the top of her breasts. She hugged me tight. She felt warm and comforting.

"I think my mum does know. I got the impression she was trying to turn a blind eye."

"I'm sorry, Leah." She let me droop even further, until my head was resting against her lap. She began stroking a gentle hand through my hair.

"I like you a lot, Ellie. I just don't know if I can be someone other than myself for an entire year."

She shushed me softly and kissed the side of my head. "I'm going to say something." She began. "And I don't know if I'm right about it, because I'm not the one in your position, but it's just what I think, ok? Tell me if I'm wrong."

"Ok."

"I don't think you are being someone other than yourself. Just because Leah doesn't have the same name as Liam, and she wears different clothes, she holds my hand when she's nervous and probably feels and behaves in ways quite different to Liam, that doesn't mean they're not the same people."

"I know but I feel like a different person." I said, still lying there; feeling cold and sad despite her warm and comforting arms. "Even the name thing. I know it's just a name...but it means something. It's fun dressing as a girl for a bit, but I don't want to actually become one, I just..." I sighed. I couldn't find the words.

"You feel like a different person but you're not, Leah. Girls aren't magically different creatures to boys, not deep down, not in all the ways that count. You've still got the same heart and soul, and I think the more you continue being Leah, the more you'll realise she's exactly the same as Liam, just cuter."

"But she's not!" I sighed with frustration. "At my last school, there was this kid in my class called Ryan. One day, he showed up in girl's uniform and said he wanted to be called Rhea. When we asked him...I mean her about it, she said she felt sick in her own skin. She couldn't stand it anymore. She couldn't feel right until she changed. I'm the opposite. I've had to change from what was right for me. Leah feels so different."

"Different, sure. Do you feel sick in your skin when you dress as Leah, though? Are you sure this is the same thing?" She stared stroking my hair again. "Maybe get to know Leah a little better? Find out what about her is similar to Liam? I bet Liam still had a feminine side. I bet he did things the way Leah would, only he never noticed it because he wasn't paying so much attention as you are now."

I tried to think about that. I tried to remember being feminine in the past, only I didn't quite know what 'being feminine' meant, which I supposed had been her point: masculine vs feminine was bullshit.

"You're such a fucking cute girl, Leah. I bet you were as cute as a boy. I bet you'd have curled up on my lap in just the same way. I get it makes you feel a bit bad because this isn't how you were taught men are supposed to be...but don't you find there's something liberating about all this?"

I nuzzled my head a little deeper against her stomach. I was still wearing the red dress. I had liked wearing it. She might've had a point but it didn't change my mood. I found another line of argument instead. "I was always confident as Liam. I was never shy and weak. Why do I have to feel shy now?"

"Shy and weak are not the same thing, you know that really. Also, you'll find your confidence again. No shit, you're nervous! You're under a lot of stress. That doesn't mean that's who you are. Shyness and anxiety aren't personality traits. We'll get there, Leah. We'll get there together."

She kissed me on the head again. I wrapped my arms round her waist and hugged her tight.

"I like when you're nice to me. Can't it be like this all the time between us?" I said. "Please?"

"I promised I'd look after you. If that means for the whole year, and if that means you feel sad sometimes and want me to hold you, then that's what I'll do. Yes, you're still getting teased and punished, though."

"As long as I get moments like this."

"Always." She rubbed a hand down my back, then whispered into my ear.

"Now, it's getting late, so here's what we're going to do. We're going to set a movie up on the tv. If you want some manly action film, then we'll go with that. You'll join me under the covers in my bed and we'll watch it until it's time to go to sleep, ok?"

I nodded and drew myself up. She kissed me on the head again, then moved away to plug her laptop into the tv. "And get into the pyjamas I gave you. It's up to you if you keep the bra on or not, but you'll want to be comfortable."

Somehow, a bleak evening had turned on its head. We watched Die Hard. I didn't think Ellie liked it much but that made me even more grateful; that she'd put herself through a film she didn't enjoy, just to cheer me up. We lay together under the duvet all evening. She held me close so that I could feel not just her arms around me, but my shoulder over the top of hers, my head cushioned against her soft breasts, her smooth legs touching, and sometimes tangling, with mine. Part of me kept hoping something more would happen; that she'd let me kiss her, or feel her boobs, or see her naked, but I knew better. She would've been angry if I tried. It didn't matter. She was nice to me. She was caring. That's what mattered.