New City, New Life

"Ted, you don't have to do that. You made breakfast. I'll clean up."

"Nonsense!" he called over his shoulder as he started the water. "When I make a mess, I always clean up after myself!" I wondered if he was only talking about the breakfast dishes or if he was talking about our conversation on the sofa too...

Later, we were standing by the door as he was getting ready to leave. "Ted, I can't thank you enough...not only for checking on me this morning, but for that wonderful breakfast. I may hot have weeped. But I sure felt like it!"

"Thank goodness! After I built up my culinary skills, I would've been embarrassed if you hadn't liked the omelette. I'm glad you're feeling better, Jason." And then it happened. Ted and I seemed to be magnetically drawn to each other. It wasn't a kiss, but it was the next best thing. We hugged. I wrapped my arms around him and explored his back with my hands. But as quickly as it started, it was over. Ted backed away and seemed to be trying to regain his composure. "Uh, well... Uh... How about we get together for dinner one night this week? And maybe next weekend, I can show you around town so you can see all that L.A. has to offer."

"Sounds like a good plan to me!" I couldn't stop looking at him with a goofy grin on my face.

"Okay. I'll touch base with you in a couple days to set up a time to meet up. See you later, Jason."

"Bye, Ted. Thanks again!" and he was gone.

We did end up meeting for dinner later that week. And over the next several months, Ted and I got together at least once a week or on the weekend. By now, he'd shown me so much of the city that I felt like I was a long-time resident. And no...he wasn't having to chauffeur me around anymore. A few months ago, I finally bit the bullet and bought myself a car. L.A. was finally starting to feel like home...except for the fact that my love life was still D.O.A. I think my crush on Ted may have been partially responsible for the fact that I hadn't started dating yet. Nothing had happened between us. In fact, after the awkward conversation during breakfast at my condo that day, Ted seemed to go out of his way not to have any "close" moments with me. I still felt a chemistry and a sexual energy between us. But with him seemingly unwilling to take our relationship out of the "friend zone," what more could I do but moon over him...and use him as fodder for my jack off fantasies?

One weekday evening, I had just pulled into the parking lot of my condo to drop Ted off so he could pick up his car after we'd been out to a restaurant in West Hollywood for dinner and out to see a movie. Before he got into his car, he called out to me as I was halfway up the steps to my condo. "Jason... I meant to tell you. I'm having a little get together for some friends this weekend at my house. I'd love it if you were able to come by and meet some of my other friends. Do you think you can make it?"

"Sure! Sounds great."

"Good! The fun gets underway at 7:00pm on Saturday."

"Okay. I'll be there!" I'd met a couple of Ted's other friends over the past several months, but didn't know all of them. I was glad he was finally including me in something with his whole group of friends. But I tried to keep myself from reading too much into the invitation. The last thing I needed was to get my heart broken because of my crush on Ted.

The night of the party had arrived and I got there later than I had wanted to because of terrible traffic. I think I was one of the last people to arrive, in fact. Ted greeted me at the door with a glass of wine.

"C'mon in, Jason!" he said as he handed me the glass of wine and patted me on the back jovially. "We're all out in the backyard. I can't wait to introduce you to everyone you haven't met yet!"

For the next 10 minutes or so, Ted took me around and introduced me to the friends of his that I hadn't met yet. Everyone was really nice and I was starting to feel pretty comfortable, even though I tend to get a little anxious in group settings where I don't know anyone.

The last person Ted brought me around to was a guy who looked to be around my age. "Jason, this is someone I've been really anxious for you to meet. This is Luis." We shook hands.

"Hi there," Luis said as our hands touched. "Nice to meet you."

Just then, the doorbell rang. Ted turned and looked back at the house. "I'd better go get that. You two have a chat. I think you'll both find you have a lot in common." He patted me on the back and then made his way back inside to answer the door.

As we stood there and talked, my eyes kept averting to the rest of the party. Ted eventually came back outside followed by a guy who looked like he might've been about ten years older than me. The guy followed Ted around as if he was a lost puppy. Though I was a little irritated by that, I turned my attention back to Luis as we chatted about sports and music. Ted was right. We did have a lot in common.

Fifteen minutes later, Luis and I were still chatting. But my mind was preoccupied with Ted and that guy. They were off by themselves, chatting and laughing. The guy kept leaning in and whispering in Ted's ear, hanging his arm on Ted's shoulder. It looked like they were smiling, laughing, and having a good time. It shouldn't have gotten on my nerves, but it did. However, I tuned back in to what Luis was saying to me and tried to put Ted out of my mind.

Half an hour later and there was a lull in my conversation with Luis. We had spent the past almost hour talking and getting to know each other. And, while it was true that we had a lot in common and he was a really nice guy, there was absolutely no spark. As he was talking now, all I kept hearing was the voice from the Peanuts cartoons...the gibberish sound that sounded like a horn blowing whenever an adult spoke. I found myself wishing he'd shut up! As I scanned the backyard, I didn't see Ted at all...or the clingy guy who had been all over him. I decided it was time to cut Luis loose. "Excuse me, Luis," I interrupted a story he was telling about his little niece that may have been a cute story, if I'd actually been paying attention to it. "I'll be right back," I lied. "I need to use the restroom."

As I walked toward the backyard door to re-enter the house, he said, "Okay. I'll be here." I understood why Ted had introduced me to Luis. But it stung a little bit. I had a crush on Ted, not Luis. Him introducing me to Luis was just another reminder that Ted had no interest in me whatsoever...and it was a little painful. Something that was more than a little painful was what was waiting for me when I entered Ted's house. I didn't really need to use the restroom, but I planned on seeing if I could find Ted and, if necessary, go into the bathroom for effect. In a side hallway off of his living room, I walked in and saw the guy who had been hanging all over Ted earlier had him pressed up against the wall. They were kissing and the guy had his hand on Ted's crotch, massaging and rubbing it. It was a knife in my heart. I wanted to get out of there. I HAD to get out of there. But for some reason, my legs wouldn't let me move.

At that moment, Ted caught sight of me out of the corner of his eye and broke the kiss. "Jason!"

His companion turned and looked in my direction, annoyed by the interruption. "Hey, man... Don't you have somewhere else you gotta be?!" He hadn't even bothered to take his hand off of Ted's crotch!

The rudeness of the guy snapped me out of my daze. "Uh, yeah... Um... I'm sorry, Ted. I just realized that I need to leave. I have something else I've got to do tonight. Thanks for the invite." Amazingly enough, tears were starting to well up in my eyes and I was certain both of the other men could see it. I didn't even wait for him to reply, I just said one final "Bye," not even bothering to look at either of them, and made a beeline for the front door, wiping the stinging water out of my eyes as I practically sprinted to my car.

I'd been on the road for about five minutes when my phone rang. It was Ted. I couldn't talk to him right now. I declined the call and then turned my phone off, so I could be alone with my thoughts as I made my way back home. I was jealous and hurt. Intellectually, I knew Ted didn't want me. He'd shown me that he only wanted to be friends on numerous occasions over the past several months that we've spent time together. I mean, he'd even introduced me to another man at his party. But still, knowing he didn't want me didn't take away from how I felt about him and how it felt seeing him with that other man. Now here I was, driving back home wiping tears from my eyes; a pathetic fool with a broken heart.

On the way home, I stopped off to get myself some comfort food at In-N-Out Burger and vegged-out on the sofa for the rest of the night. The next morning, when I turned my phone on, I had three text messages from Ted and two voice mails, that were probably from him too. I didn't read or listen to any of them. I didn't have the heart to deal with any of this just yet. I knew it made me weak not to face this head-on. But I just couldn't. So, I decided to treat myself to some "me time." I drove myself down to the beach and spent the day walking along the water, feeling the sand between my toes and letting the water wash over my feet.

The next couple days of the work week were uneventful. I tried to put on a brave face at work, but I think a few of my co-workers suspected something was off with me. One or two of them kept coming into my office to "check up on me" without actually outright asking me what was wrong. On Wednesday evening, I pulled into the parking lot of my building to a sight that made my heart drop. Ted's car was parked in the lot and he was sitting in it.

After I parked the car, I sat there and took a deep breath, trying to steel my nerves before I got out. Ted walked toward me with that smile on his face that always made my heart melt. "Ted...hey!" I tried to sound cheerful, but I'm sure I failed miserably.

"I'm surprised you remembered my name. You don't respond to my texts. You won't take my calls. I'm starting to take it personally!" He reached up and wrapped one of his arms around me to pat me on the back. I think he wanted to pull me into a hug, but I wasn't having any of that.

I looked up at him and tried to smile. "Sorry about that. I've been pretty busy..."

"Uh huh..." Ted said, doubt heavy in the tone of his voice. "Can I come in? I have something I want to set the record straight with you about. And, I have a feeling you've got something you might want to get off your chest too."

I wasn't sure I was ready to deal with any of this yet. But he was here. I couldn't very well send him away. "Sure. Come on up!" He followed me up the stairs and into my condo.

A few minutes - and a change out of my work clothes - later and we were seated in my living room. Him on my couch and me in a recliner. "What is it that you want to talk to me about, Ted?" It was stupid of me to play dumb. I knew very well what he wanted to talk to me about. But I didn't quite know what else to say.

"I want to talk with you about what happened on Saturday at my party."

"What do you mean?" God, I wanted to slap myself across the face. "Stop playing dumb, you moron! Act like a man!" I thought to myself.

"When you found me to tell me you were leaving and you saw Lucien and I."

Lucien. Even his NAME sounded pretentious...like he was just begging for me to dislike him. "Oh, right..." I sputtered out. "Yeah. I want to apologize again for interrupting. I had to leave and I didn't want to do it without letting you know I was going."

Ted grinned at me. "Now, you see... I have a feeling that you weren't actually going to leave until you saw Lucien and I. And this is what I wanted to set the record straight about."

"Ted, you really don't owe me an explanation. You don't answer to me when it comes to your love life." I was really not up for him telling me all about how he and Lucien were a hot and heavy item and hopefully, saying what I said would hint to him that he shouldn't tell me all about it.

"That's just it..." he started. Okay. Apparently, I WAS going to have to hear about the two of them... "There IS no love life to explain when it comes to Lucien."

"Not from where I stood on Saturday..." I chuckled.

"You don't understand." Ted looked at me intently. "Lucien and I aren't a couple. We aren't anything to each other except friends. And after Saturday, even that is tenuous."

"The way he was on you at your party and then how I found the two of you before I left, you can see how I'd find that hard to believe. Besides, if you're in a relationship. you don't have to tell me you're not."

"Let me explain, Jason. Lucien is more of a friend of a friend...one of my friends that you met at the party. He has a thing for me and usually he's very flirty, but that's as far as it's ever gone. I've told him on more than one occasion that I don't feel the same way about him. But, he was already drunk when he arrived at the party and spent half of the time trying to feel me up. I went back inside the house to get away from him, but he followed me inside and cornered me in that hallway. If you'd stuck around long enough, you would've noticed that I wasn't kissing him back. Okay, yeah. It felt good having him fondle me. It's been forever since anyone's done that to me. But I wasn't enjoying what he was doing. I'm actually glad you interrupted us. I didn't want to have to shove him off me and risk creating a scene at the party."

"I'm sorry, Ted. I'm sorry that I jumped to the wrong conclusion and I'm sorry that I made a complete and total ass out of myself."

He laughed. "You didn't. Trust me. I'm just sorry that the whole affair put a damper on you getting to know Luis. He tells me that he really likes you. I think he wants to get together with you again."

"Yeah..." I said, dejected at the thought that, even after we had just straightened-out this misunderstanding, I was still where I was with my feelings for Ted...on the short end of the stick.

"What's the matter? Luis said he thought the two of you really hit it off. You didn't like getting to know him?"

"Oh, no... No. Luis is a real nice guy and I enjoyed chatting with him. But there just wasn't a spark."

Ted actually smiled when I said that. "I know what you mean. Chemistry is a strange thing. Sometimes you have it and sometimes you don't."

"Yeah. I was finding myself distracted and actually came inside to get away from him, just like you did with Lucien. That's when I ran into the two of you."

"There goes my attempt at playing Cupid," he chuckled, but then turned serious. "Hey, I meant to ask you when we were talking about it earlier. Why DID you run out like that when you saw Lucien and I? I mean, it wasn't exactly my finest moment you had caught me in. But as I've gotten to know you over the past several months, I know you're no shrinking violet or prude. Why'd you leave the party?"

Now was the moment of truth. I'd been backed into a corner. I could do one of two things: I could lie to Ted and make up some cockamamie excuse that he probably wouldn't believe. Or, I could tell him the truth. I suppose it couldn't hurt to just be honest. After all, I was about 95% certain that Ted had no interest in a being more than my friend. What did I have to lose? All he'd do was confirm what I already knew. So, I stood up and he scooted over on the couch so I could sit down. There we were: he on one and and me on the other, facing each other. "Can I be honest with you, Ted?"

"We've been friends for this long now, Jason. I would hope you can be honest with me."

"Okay. This isn't going to necessarily be easy for me to say. But, I'm going to go ahead and say it anyway. Ted, I have feelings for you." He didn't really show any kind of reaction on his face one way or the other, so I just kept on talking. "It started out as a crush when we first met. But it's grown into more than that. I think about you at least once a day. I'll admit, sometimes it's in a sexual context, but it isn't always. Sometimes, just thinking about us spending time together puts a smile on my face. I like the way I feel when we spend time together. You're one of the most decent - not to mention one of the handsomest - guys I've ever known. And when I walked into you house on Saturday and saw you and Lucien kissing, it was as if my heart had just been ripped out. That's why I had to leave. There was no way I could stay without ending up a blubbering mess."

I couldn't look at him. My eyes averted down into my lap. He wasn't saying anything back to me. But I was too scared to look at his face. Suddenly, he reached over with his thumb and index finger and put them under my chin, raising it up to bring my eyes to his. Unexpectedly, he had a smile on his face. "I kind of figured..."

"Was I that obvious?"

"A little. I mean, it wasn't hard to miss the way you looked at me."

"Hmmmmm... Now, I'm thoroughly embarrassed."

"You shouldn't be. " Ted said, still smiling at me. Looking into his eyes, I'd never noticed how warm they were. "It's never a bad thing when you have the type of feelings for someone that you have for me. Besides... I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the same way about you."

His words hit me like a thunderbolt. I wasn't expecting this. A polite and kind let-down was more what I was expecting, but not "I feel the same way about you," what was I supposed to do with that? The first thing I did was smile at him. I smiled so broadly, I thought my face might break. But two questions hung in the back of my mind that I'd hate myself later if I didn't ask. "If you feel the same way about me as I feel about you, why didn't you tell me? And why in the world did you try to fix me up with Luis?"

"The answer to those two questions is the same. Look at us, Jason. How could we possibly have a successful outcome as a couple? I'm almost 63 years old and you're 34. I'm almost 30 years older than you. I could be your father, for Pete's sake! I'm almost certainly going to die before you. As deeply as I care for you, I'm not going to sentence you to - at around the same age as I am now - have to start your life over. Let me tell you, at this age, trying to find love is no easy task. And that's if our relationship even lasts. If either one of us got our hearts broken, I couldn't stand it!"

Suddenly, where I had been fearful and weak before, I was the strong one. I reached over and put my hand over top of his. "Ted... There's always the risk of a broken heart when it comes to relationships. If it means I get to be with you in the end, I'm more than willing to take the risk. As for the age difference, I couldn't care less how much older than me you are. And I don't give a damn what any other person - my parents, your friends, my co-workers, or anyone - might have to say about it. Love is love and age isn't anything but a number." A huge smile formed on Ted's face. I could see that I'd gotten to him. "Do you remember that day, you came and made me breakfast after I got sick on your boat the day before and I told you that chemistry makes all the difference to me when it comes to a relationship?"

"I do."

"I feel like there's an undeniable chemistry between us. I don't feel like I have to hold anything back with you. We seem to be on the same wavelength and I know you won't judge me or hurt me."

"I know what you mean. I'd felt the same thing between us. I'd been trying to push it down and push it away because I didn't think a relationship between us would ever last if you ever found out how I felt about you and wanted to try..."

I rubbed my hand over his and smiled at him. "What do you think now?"

"I won't lie. The age difference does still concern me...but mostly because for you, not for me. But, I have to say..." he took my hand in both of his. "I REALLY wanna see if there's a relationship that might come out of this chemistry we seem to have with each other."