by tiffanymanners
Nice storyline. Good development. I agree with the others, sorry, the dialogue is a bit unnatural. Keep going, though!
what a great start well done will be looking for part two for sure and soon i hope
The talking is bearable if overdone but that doesn't take away from the story one bit. Imagining the next part and what it involves. Ravished maid, kept as a maid, gf trying to rescue but getting in trouble herself. Can't wait
... is not how people talk. At all. Very distracting to the actual story.
Who the hell talks like that? It feels like im watching a Child's TV show with a dirty theme. The premise is hot, the dialog is cheesy and awful.
Great story would love to play the start role if its ever made into a film ;-)
Fabulous!! I love this story!!! The set up is unique and well written.......more, PLEASE and as soon as you can, Doll!! xo