All Comments on 'New Girl In Town'

Nicely done for your first lesbian story! I loved the slow approach.

You would make a great lover...

Anyone who can write with the feelings you have plus include humor would make a great life partner or spouse. However, just a one night stand would leave the other person longing.............. for the rest of their life.

Thank you,

J

A very well-written single-scene story - you give the reader just enough details to allow the reader's imagination to fill in the blanks, so to speak.

Well written and well crafted as all of your stories. You are certainly one of the more accomplished writers on Lit, which is one of my aspirations.

I would love to exchange views with you so please check my Lit stuff sammican1 If you like it please reply to sammican2@yahoo.com

Really good, like the best mustard, sweet and hot. Great character delineation, no wasted words or wasted motion. Excellent pacing, and the sex was truly erotic, not just hot, but sweet, fulfilling, orgasmic as orgasmic should be. Great job!

Now for the grammatical and syntactical quibbles. I wouldn’t do this if your story weren’t as good as it is; I don’t waste my time with junk or jerkoff, I just delete and save my time and brain cells. But a good story deserves good, clean, grammatical copy. After all, would Andrea have found Bree quite so attractive if Bree hadn’t showered, or brushed her teeth, or changed her underwear, for the previous three months? Yet she’d still be Bree. So your story is still your story.

“cut and dry”, should be “cut and dried”.

“sauce and past”, should be “sauce and pasta”.

“my intentions.. and about hers”. Either use three dots “…” to show elision, or use a comma, depending upon the pacing you want to indicate. Two dots “..” just confuse the reader.

“couple weeks”, should be “couple of weeks”, partitive genitive, y’know, a type of Genitive (possessive) that is used to show the relationship of part to whole. Couple of weeks out of all the weeks that ever were or will be.

“to move so quick, to want something so bad, so quick”. Drop the second comma to show parallelism between “move” and “want”. Not a biggie, but it jars. The reader shouldn’t notice your writing, s/he should be submerged in your story.

“you're house”. Unless she is her house (you are house), should be “your house.” Possessive adjective, not contraction (you’re = you are).

“In no hurry to do anything other than enjoy each other.” Sentence fragment. Needs a subject. “We were in no hurry” is grammatical, but dull. How’s this: ”In no hurry to do anything other than enjoy each other, we kept the wine flowing. Finally, I realized I was supposed to be driving Andrea home.”

“harder.. oh”. Again two dots. This time use three dots, a comma is too short, you want to show how Bree’s brain was utterly taken over by her body’s enjoyment of Andrea, and the anticipation.

“was those damn butterflies”, should be “were those damn butterflies”. Verb-subject agreement. “There were” sets up an intransitive verb (being), so plural noun (butterflies) must agree with plural verb form (were).

“my jeans”. Later on Andrea removes Bree’s khakis. I don’t care which it is, only pick one, or the reader gets confused.

“on.. I closed my eyes.. I counted to ten...”, and I counted the dots. Use three dots throughout; make it easy for the reader.

“she'd throw”, should be “she’d thrown”, past tense, right?

“the though went through my mind”, should be “the thought went through my mind”.

“throat.. she”. Three dots, please.

“so that it laid against the back of the couch, and move my other leg,” should be “so that it lay against the back of the couch, and moved my other leg,”. Trust me on this one.

“I couldn't speak.. Could barely breath, and I lay there, gasping for breath, trying to control my emotions, as she moved up my body, and laid between my legs.”, should be “I couldn't speak. I could barely breathe, and I lay there, gasping for breath, trying to control my emotions, as she moved up my body, and lay between my legs.”

“"How promising." Andrea said with a gentle smile.”, should be “"How promising," Andrea said, with a gentle smile.

Get a copy editor and keep writing. You’re plenty good.