New Kahala

"Oh Sasha..."

"Something else?"

"Well yeah, I was hoping to borrow a mower, give Trina's house a bit of a tidy up."

"Oh. Righto. Listen we'll grab some beers, I'll take the tractor, you grab a whipper-snipper and just watch Tony go on the zero turn. He fucken loves that thing. Hard to convince him he's finished sometimes. Come on then."

On dusk, Blue leans against the wheel of his big blue tractor smoking a cigarette and Tony has decided to mow the edge of the road all the way back to the house. From where we stand drinking a well-earned cold beer the yard looks like a garden again. Blue has slashed all around the outside and down around the dairy.

"Fucken thing was this long." He tells me describing the black snake he hit with the slasher.

"Jesus. Glad I didn't find it with the whipper snipper."

As usual Denise insists that I stay overnight. "Too many 'roos after dark. Don't want to ding up that pretty Statesman."

"Hmmph, bloody Holden would probably look better with a roo stuck through the grill." Blue laughs.

The phone rings after tea and Denise takes the cordless into the kitchen, "Hi darlin, oh you should see what the boys did at the old house today."

"Uhuh, the whole lot. Looks great."

"Trina." She mouths for our benefit.

Then taking the phone from her face she addresses us, "Trina says thanks everybody, especially you Jim."

"Oh, okay then." She frowns, then hands me the phone.

"I did bloody not, I said, 'thanks dickhead'." Trina says quietly.

"Haha, you're welcome. Can't have you getting bitten by a snake. Shoulda seen the one blue hit with the slasher."

"I spoke to Sasha tonight."

"Oh good. I was kinda worried for you two after last weekend."

"Yeah... Um, she told me about you too. Good for you Jim."

"Well some bossy cow told me I needed to move along a bit."

"Ha, that bitch can be annoying sometimes. Anyway, put Mum back on. See ya."

"See ya Kitty."

Denise wanders back off into the kitchen with the phone and dishes clatter in the sink. Tony, Blue and I watch a few episodes of Russell Coight's adventures and I'm about to head off to bed when Blue says, "Oh, found a couple of goodies in the junk pile if you got a few minutes."

"Sure." Following him up to the shed, I stop at Delia and look for the smokes I bought him. They must have fallen on the floor or something so I reach beneath the seats and as always find more than I should. There's an old chiko roll packet. There're the smokes but what is... Oh. I'm holding a small clipseal bag containing a pair of pink g-string knickers. I know just the thing to do with them too.

"You're a good kid." Blue says accepting the packet of cigarettes. He takes them to the little office at the back of the shed and offers me one from the packet he still hasn't finished.

"Thanks." He lights mine then his own and nods toward the back door.

"This way Jim."

Outside there is a lean-to arrangement where an emergency shower and sink and such is located. On the floor of this sits a pallet containing a supercharger, assorted pulleys and plumbing and other electrical items.

"Joking Blue? Where'd you find this?

"Ask no questions, get told no lies, Jim. Let's just say I have some friends who drive tow trucks and look after a lot of insurance cases."

"That must be worth..." I try to calculate the value.

"Absolutely nothing."

"What?"

"If it's fitted to your car after you insure it, it automatically voids your insurance so it's best if it disappears before the assessor has a look."

"Oh..."

"So, how do you reckon your F truck's gonna go with efi and a blower."

"How's it gonna stop more like."

After we finish our cigarettes and hide the butts by flicking them into a growing pile at the back door we walk back through the office. While Blue's back is turned, I discreetly take the little bag containing the knickers out of my pocket and put it on the shelf at the back of Sasha's trophies.

Winter passed mostly like that. I fell into a lazy comfortable cycle of work, weekends at the farm and working on Effy with Blue. I blink and suddenly a month has gone, breathe and there goes another. Whenever I am up at Caboolture, I have started doing a few more things to Trina's house. I'm not sure why but it feels like some sort of connection despite not seeing her. Denise keeps me up to date on both the girls.

Sasha is enjoying her studies. I'm happy for her. Denise says she's been a little bit sick of late but nothing to worry about. Trina is busy with work and friends. She even got a promotion of some kind at the day care centre, so is doing more hours. She hasn't been back to the farm since March. Denise said she seems happy but wishes she would eat better.

The fence has a coat of paint. Blue and I fixed the roof on the dairy. He showed me Elmo's cars too. Underneath those car covers were a nice old Valiant CL Charger and a VH safari wagon. "Mopar man." Blue explained. "Bloody wogs loved those things." Effy was coming together well. The interior finally got picked up. I had it redone in beige with dandelion yellow piping. Really goes well with the mint paint.

But I felt a little empty. Happy, content, but there was a little nagging hollow spot I recognised as the part where love had been. I thought very infrequently of Sasha these days. Usually only when passing a photograph of her or when Denise mentioned her. And when I did think of her it was with happiness not pain so this empty spot confused me. I'm not that unhappy with my own company or needy so it annoyed me with its tenacious insistence.

I fucked one of the admin pool girls accidently. It was a professional faux pas. Bloody work parties. No harm, no foul; just sweaty half drunk, condom friendly, reciprocated rooting in my office. She was an enthusiastic little red headed thing with an infectious sense of misadventure and naughtiness. I took very little seducing. It had been a LONG time between drinks... Susan or Suzette or something. She didn't want my number. It didn't fill that empty spot either, it was right there along with the hangover the next day. Mum gave me some very serious glares.

One day I woke up out at the farm and it was September. Time flies by when you throw yourself thoroughly into the present because otherwise that nagging hollow spot returns. My mobile rings beside me in the boat. I miss the call, busy with a little bass that I threw back. Returning the call, I hear Blue's voice.

"Fucken listen to this son."

Varoom.... I hear the whistling suck of supercharger and low growl of the massive motor.

"Machinery is done, plates are on and keys are waiting. Effy is a go mate."

IT BREATHES

That weekend I leave Delia at the farm parked in the garage next to the old farm ute. I plan on picking Effy up through the week and giving Blue the final payment. I know they could use the money.

From time to time the firm sub-contracts my services to the police and on Monday I fly out to Rockhampton on the police jet to assist with investigations into political misappropriation. It's late Thursday when we wrap up and I fly home. I'm worn out and cranky, so I take Friday off.

My phone becomes my shield whenever I'm forced to use public transport. If you look intently enough at the screen people don't tend to start conversations with you or otherwise bother you. I use the time too transfer the last two-thousand-dollar payment into Blue's account and to check my portfolio.

I started buying shares when I was in high-school. Mum had explained her rule of ten percents when I was old enough to start earning pocket money. She gave me ten one-dollar coins and an old coffee tin. She said that every time I got money, one dollar of every ten gets put in the tin, I have to give one dollar to someone who needs it, and the rest is mine. As I grew up, she helped me understand budgeting as well with a similar rule that if you were spending more than fifty percent of your income on bills, you were living beyond your means.

I was one of those privileged kids who always had money and as a result became good with it. When that first old coffee tin got full, Dad taught me about investing so that my savings started making money for me instead of sitting in a tin. We bought two heifers with the coins from that tin and when they calved the following year, I gained my first understanding of interest.

The calves grew and sold for just over a thousand each when I was in fourth grade. I was going to need a much larger coffee tin, so Mum set me up with a bank account. By year ten I had a share trading account and a portfolio that was humble but growing. Now, at thirty-nine, I have just under a two hundred and fifty thousand invested, averaging around twenty thousand in income a year depending on the market. I also own half the cattle at esk and own three rental properties.

I'm not boasting. I'm well aware that markets fail, and that my debt on the real estate is around the million mark. The properties are paying interest on that debt and a small amount of the capitol. It's not like I'm rich, but I'm better off than many. My only real vices are my cars, Jameson's whiskey and fishing so I can afford to indulge a little.

I sponsor a family in Tibet. That's my attempt at some sort of karmic tithe. The charity mob send me email's and photographs and it makes me feel good. So, I guess it's an investment of that one coin in ten that pays off somehow. It's these pictures I'm looking at when the tin can voice announces Caboolture station.

Denise is waiting on the platform and walks me to her car where Tony is waiting. One of the things I like most about Tony is that he just does not give one single fuck. Ever. He acts on an instinctual understanding of his feelings and a childish kindness. Right now, his heart tells his forty-year-old body to run across the carpark and give me a hug.

"Oh Jim. Wait till you drive your truck. Dad took me down the driveway in it and I had to go and have a bloody good wank later."

"Tony. We don't always need to hear about wanking." Denise tells him as we pull out of the carpark.

Out at their farm Blue has parked the F350 out the front in the driveway. He's covered it with a drop sheet. I'm not sure if for protection or if for a bit of a dramatic reveal. It would be wasted on me as I've been part of the process from beginning to end. Fuck, I spent two weekends just last month sanding and buffing the thing till my arms felt numb. Blue won't use electrical sanders or buffing wheels. He says they leave swirl marks.

As we pull up, he pulls off the sheet and makes a 'et viola' gesture with his arms.

"You're a Ford man now Jim." Tony tells me.

"Bi-vehicular perhaps." Laughs Blue. "Owns a ford but still likes something a bit queer now and then. Hey Jim, Denise and I bought you a gift to go with it. Big old swag in the tray. Seemed a shame not to have something in there."

Blue hands me the keys and I tell him I've transferred the money.

"Gonna get strange not having you here quite so much." Denise says sincerely.

"Gonna be short a drinking buddy too." Blue says, "Don't be a stranger. Get up here for no reason now and then hey?"

"Will do Blue. And thanks for everything mate."

"Dad." He says. "If you can call that old boiler Mum, you can call me Dad. I'm not so embarrassed about it now you got a decent car."

He shakes my hand and pats my back, "You're a good bloke. Let me know when you're up for a new project."

"Someone has to keep him in cigarettes." Denise says.

"What?" Blue asks.

"Can't fool me, you silly old bastard. Now fuck off Jim. Get going before the old fart starts getting gushy. He always does when he finishes a car. It's like he's had a baby or something."

I'm laughing at their banter as I open the door and slide up onto the wide bench seat. The key turns and the twin stacks grumble quietly when I press the starter. I can feel the whole car alive with the murmured threat of that motor. The dyno tuning guy who set up the boost and efi limited it to around six hundred horsepower to keep it streetable. I'm just sitting there encompassed in the experience of this vehicle when I look across the cab.

Into the empty space. The same emptiness that lives in me.

And for the first time I recognise it for what it really is. Another wake left by someone.

When Blue asks, "You alright Jim? Something missing?"

"Yup." I tell him. "And I know exactly what."

I laugh at the world in general and wave to their confused faces as I gently squeeze the accelerator. I know exactly where I'm going for the first time in a long time. I stop only twice on my way back into the city. The first time at the Burpengary BP to fuel up the thirsty bitch and the second time when I spy dandelions growing on the edge of the highway.

THE DEEP END

My hands shake as I turn off the key. In the sudden quiet of the cab I start to doubt myself. Fear flashes briefly through me and I remember all the times Dad told me that fear is good, it means you are taking things seriously. Then I gather the dandelions and what courage may come and step out of the door, locking it behind me and turning to walk toward the day-care centre.

Looking up the path to the high kid-proof gate I'm met with twelve or more pairs of small eyes quietly gathered at the fence and one pair of big sky blue wet ones. You can't sneak anywhere with a 460... I hold those eyes in mine and will my legs to keep moving.

"Hello dickhead." The little giggles and sniggers of children punctuate the moment.

"Hi Kitty." I hand her the flowers through the fence. "It was empty without you."

"What was? Effy?"

"No. Not Effy. My life. It was empty. It was empty because you weren't in it anymore."

Her hair is golden and much longer now, it's held in a ponytail and waves as she shakes her head and wipes her eyes. "What are you saying?"

"The whole show. I need you. Just too stupid to see it."

"If you're fucking with me, I'll macramé your fucking testicles." She says as she struts to the gate flings it open and reaches for my face. The giggles of children are replaced with whispers and 'oohs' as she brings her pretty lips to mine. The world around me grows quiet and distant and all I know are her lips pressed against mine, the wet of her tears and then the tip of her tongue touching mine as her lips open and we say with our mouths what we have no words for.

The need for breath separates us. But only our mouths, her arms are locked around my waist and mine around her. She leans into my chest and says, "I've missed you so much arsehole. You are my safe place."

"I've missed you too. Just too stupid to work it out."

"Miss 'K', I think perhaps it's best for the children if you take the rest of the day off. There are words we don't want their parents hearing." A smiling older woman says to Trina and then to me, "You be good to her or..." she glances at my crotch, "macramé. Okay?"

"Were they making babies Missus 'G'? My Mum and Dad make babies all the time."

"That's enough Emily, time for finger painting. Inside everyone. Come on now."

Then we are alone. With the interruption, a gravity has risen.

"What now?" Trina asks.

"Don't know. Hadn't really thought that far ahead. How about ice-cream?" That gets me another voracious kiss which for reasons of decency we break off as our hands find each other's bums. Perhaps your day-care employer's carpark is not the best porn set. Which is pretty much where that kiss was headed.

"Here." I hold out my palm with the single silver key in it. "You only ever loved me for my cars."

"Can't have one without the other." She laughs and punches me in the arm.

In the driver's seat she buckles up, turns the key and presses the starter and grinning from ear to ear she turns now properly purple eyes toward me and says quietly, "It was never your cars. It was always you."

"I love you too Kitty." And as I said it, I knew I meant it.

"Get fucked!" She covers her mouth with her hand.

"Not quite what I thought you'd say." The good thing about the cab on the old F truck was that there was plenty of space in it. Enough space say, for a petite crying woman to unbuckle her seatbelt, climb across the bench seat and curl up on your lap, if you're lucky. And today I felt pretty lucky as I held her until she settled enough to raise her chin and plead with her eyes.

"Kiss me dickhead."

This kiss was gentle and less urgent but still got a salute from the man downstairs which just made her giggle.

"He's an impatient fellow, isn't he?"

"Just knows a good thing when he feels one."

"You drive. I just want to cuddle."

She follows me as I slide across the seat and buckles herself in the middle. All the way to Bribie she snuggled against my side and her lips stayed curled in a smile that filled the place in me that used to be empty. Later as we ate gelato on the tailgate looking quietly out across Pumicestone passage, she laughed and licked ice-cream from her wrist.

"What?" she asked when she caught me smiling at her.

"Just remembering that little blue-eyed pixie one Valentines date all that time ago."

"Ha, was just thinking the same thing. What are the odds?"

Sullen moments beckon me to truth and I rub an imaginary beard.

"Ok, so that brings me to 'the talk' Sasha and I had to have."

"Yeah."

"Well it's something you need to consider if that's where we're headed."

"One in two hundred and sixteen." She smiles at me.

"No it was one in thirty-six. And even when it's not active there's a slim possibility of transmission. Just stuff you need to know. Awkward to discuss but important."

"One in six to the third, dickhead."

"What?"

"One in two hundred and sixteen."

"That's one in six to the second, one in thirty-six."

Shaking her head, she kisses my cheek, "You're the dumbest smart person I know. Me too. The big H. Me too Jim. The chances that three people with the big H would be in one room at the same time would be one in two hundr-"

"Two hundred and sixteen." I finish for her.

"That's just one thing you are going to learn about me Jim. I've got stories to tell you too. Take me home."

As I indicate to exit, she looks across the bench seat where she leans against the door with her feet pressed against me, "Not that home Jim, 'New Kahala'. My real home."

There's a thing that Trina does when she is thinking. She sort of sucks her top lip. She's doing it now as we drive through Caboolture. As we get closer to Blue and Denise's she sits forward, puts her feet on the floor and stares out the window.

"I have nightmares. Some nights it's pictures of Mum and Dad and that horrible day. Some nights my brain plays tricks and makes it different people with the same injuries. People I know and care about."

"That's horrible."

"I avoid going to my home because it's worse there. All the memories come back, all the smells of the farm bring them to me. There have been times I wanted to burn the place down. Then that night you held me and they didn't come, I knew one day I'd be able to go home. I just didn't know how, or even if I'd ever find someone to quiet me like you do."

"You're beautiful Kitty. Inside and out. I'm sure you'd have no trouble dating."

"I don't trust men, Jim."

"You trust me."

"I do. I knew I loved you way back then you know? On the beach that Valentines date. You reminded me of my father. Tall and blue eyed, kind and gentle. But other men... They freak me out. It's not always a good thing to have my mother's looks. Sometimes you get the wrong attention. That's where the other nightmares come from."

"Other nightmares?"

"Stop at the gate Jim. Walk with me a bit."

I take her hand and she leans into my side as we slowly walk down Blues driveway. She stops at a point about twenty metres from the gate where a large granite boulder sits off to the side.