New Kahala

When I spoke to Trina that day and she admitted her feelings for Jimmy, I was insane with grief. I had destroyed my own relationship with a wonderful man and broken him so much that he was not available for someone that truly deserved what he could offer. When he sent me the 'band-aid' solution I allowed myself a glimmer of hope. But could not imagine what to hope for now. For myself or for Trina? So I decided simply to hope for his happiness.

Trying to study and deal with the physical and emotional changes in my body was freaking ridiculous. Every day I wanted to fall apart and just give up. I wanted to tell the world my worries. Yell and scream down the phone to Trina and Jimmy and Mum and anyone who would listen, but I couldn't be that cruel. So many times, I almost gave in. A little person growing inside me, told me I needed to find the grace to be what she deserved.

When she was born, she looked at me with Jimmy's eyes and I knew everything would be fine. As she grew, I found she had that same capacity to love that he did. She loved the other day-care kids and everyone around her. It shamed me into succeeding. I finished my studies and spent my year in Manhattan and survived on Catherine's love and hope for a future I could not control.

My last link to Jimmy was severed when Trina had to push him away. It saddened me for myself, but I found myself more concerned for Trina. After she'd admitted her feelings for him a lot of things started making sense and I felt like such a shit for never having seen them.

I would always succeed. I know that about myself. I'm a determined bitch. I have a shelf full of successes in the shed. Trophy after trophy that told me I never really had to worry about getting what I need in life. I'd get through all my drama just fine.

If I learned anything from the mess, it was that every time I've tried to meddle in my own outcomes it's just made things worse. So I chose to let it be and to simply hope for her and for little Cathie and perhaps even myself.

One rainy late September afternoon a few weeks before Catherine's first birthday, as I sat in a coffee shop looking at the autumn leaves in the gutter and missing my home where it would be spring, my phone rang, and it was Mum.

"Oh Sassy, you'll never guess. I have the best news..." and I was still talking to her half an hour later when a positively gushing Trina took the phone from her. At first, I didn't recognise her, but it was my old Trina back. The one that I grew up with who giggled and laughed and walked me through her own love story with Jimmy. Part of me cried for myself. Part of me cried for her. All of me cried in happiness for Jimmy. Every last bit of me was glad for his happiness.

It wasn't until the next day that I cried in happiness for little Cathie, knowing that her father would always be in her life even if he had to just be her uncle.

Two years and six months after my last lunchtime date with Jimmy I stood nervously in the office gathering all my courage then I just barged in like I had never left. It worked just fine. He didn't look even a little different except for the dark circles under his eyes. I did the same bargy thing the next day and that worked out just fine too.

When I drove up their driveway, I found a very "New Kahala" indeed. Gone was the grey pall that had always hung over the place, replaced with what I recognised as the love that Jimmy makes all around him.

I saw that love there in Trina's eyes. Purple, they watched me smiling. I hadn't seen them that colour since she cut all her hair off. Greg laughed when I joined the police and to shit stir me, he told me at my graduation, that he and Dad put that last bastard down the old mine shaft they call the 'hole', "So anytime you're short a collar, you know where a couple of murderers live". For all the good of vengeance, it took love to put the purple back in her pretty blue eyes.

I saw that same love in the tiny blonde-haired fairy snuggled into her Daddies neck. Jimmy and Trina both showed me that same love when they welcomed Cathie into their lives.

I should never have doubted that Jimmy would fold us all back into his circle somehow. Trina shamed me with her total acceptance. Watching Cathie and Polly play together, I knew that I'd lost nothing. Just a bed buddy and I don't really have time for one of those at the moment any way.

That night I went up to the shed with Dad to give him the customary packet of cigarettes and found the strangest thing on the trophy cabinet. I knew exactly who had put the plastic pack of underpants at the back and thought what a wonderful way to put the whole thing into perspective. Not something we need to forget but something we can put on a shelf as a reminder of an old success. They're still there now.

Little Polly and Cathie grew so quickly. One moment they were babies then little Viktor came along. Then next thing my Cathie was off to school. I stood with Trina one Monday before work and watched her climb onto the school bus without so much as looking back and I cried so hard. It's Viktor's fourth birthday this weekend and we're celebrating at Mum and Dad's with a barbeque.

Which is good, because there's something I really need to talk to Trina about. I'm thirty-five now. Not old, but the clock is ticking. I'd like another little person to share this strange life of mine with. I thought I'd always find a man of my own, but I don't even have enough time to give my daughter, to waste any of it dating.

I've printed out some IVF and donor info. It's expensive but I can afford it. Shame we can't do it the old-fashioned way. He was always pretty damn good in the sack, or in the shed, or in the pool or... We'll work something out and as usual, poor Jimmy will be as he puts it with a resigned grin on his face, "always the last to fucking know".

TRINA

My little boy Viktor is turning four today. He and Cathie and Polly are up at Mum's already, eating chips and lollies and all the things they shouldn't.

I'm about twelve weeks pregnant but haven't told my Jim just yet. I've been nervous. I'm thirty-nine and after my last miscarriage... But I'll tell him first thing when he gets home from work.

Well, maybe second thing, there's this thing I want to try with some ice.

My name is Katerina Janis O'Sullivan. I grew up as Katerina Janis Koppel and people called me 'Trina'. But the best thing I have ever been, is Kitty O'Sullivan.

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