All Comments on 'New Moon Ch. 01'

Well it really needs editing and proofing. But it has a good start for a first story. I thought the thomas character seemed really child like even though he was supposed to be much older than joshua. And the alpha was just plain mean. Hopefully joshua gets some courage and they fight together for their happiness.

Get an editor. Nothing wrong with the story, so far, but your English is so poor it's sometimes hard to work out what you're trying to say.

I agree that it has promise and with some editing and feedback, you could develop it into a great story. I like the rough and maybe cruel environment that seems to be in this pack. It complicates things for this couple. I also like how you took it back to the past (sadly many places today are the same) where this relationship is looked down on b/c it's between men and the interracial aspect. I did find the attack from the Alpha to be out of the blue with almost no reaction from Thomas. He didn't get protective and stop him like I would have expected. He also didn't even check him over after they left for wounds. I also hope Thomas stops treating him like the 16 y/o he looks like sometimes and older others. Also, I think it would be pretty natural at this point for them to ask questions, esp Thomas asking Joshua questions about his past. HOw was he turned etc? how did a kid whose been mistreated know about a lifemate and thomas who grew up in a pack and had a wife, not know? was his wife one? Hope you can answer some of these questions. Keep writing! you can look for an editor amongst the people who comment or through the site.

They are werewolves for crying out loud.

Its pretty clear english isnt your first language as you seem to follow the spell it like you say it method but you also seem to have taken on some of the worst prejudices of english based cultures and that is a mistake for you as a writer and creative person. Be true to your own culture and heritage, write in english for publishing sakes but you absolutely must get an editor.

Plotwise, the story is good. The characters and plot are fairly well drawn and the story flows smoothly. The time period, though, is murky. I do question how Joshua can be 31 and not know what a fork is. Also, the alpha's attack was unprovoked and made no sense. The story can go one of several ways, which I like.

However, the writing itself is bad. The spelling is atrocious, there is at least one place where the verb tense goes from past to present, and there are many other grammatical errors. You really need an editor.

Nice!! Great first chapter. A lot of potential.

:-)

I agree that you have written a very good start to a series. But, please get an author. I know from my own experience that it can be difficult to write in a second language, but with a native-speaker editor you can produce some wonderful writing.

I LOVE THIS STORY AND I HOPE THERE'S MORE TO IT... YOU MADE A NEW FAN HERE : )

KEEP IT UP .

Be true to what you know. Don't introduce complex concepts unless you can go somewhere with them... drop the religious reference. You have all the parts of a great story but you desperately need an editor. You got Malcolm's name wrong at one point. Keep writing.

I've been a technical editor for stories and papers. I offer my help. I don't know if editors are credited, as such, on Literotica, but I wouldn't want any credit. I just enjoy good stories.

More i love the story :)

I absolutely loved it! It was amazing! I do look forward to the next parts. Keep up the good work

WTF....I FUCKING HATE INCOMPLETE STORIES...COMPLETE IT ASS HOLE.

Too bad this stalled out. One of the few shifter stories I enjoyed.

I need more