All Comments on 'Nicholas' Bargain'

Not a bad opening chapter, a bit slow in parts - especially in the chunks of exposition.

First Submissions to Lit that I have ever read, and I seriously read alot. You did a great job a the beginning of setting up London in the early 1800's. You have created of threesome that isn't quite a threesome, How will Nicholas come to the conclusion that Lara is the girl for him rather than his supposed mate Amelia. And I don't think Amelia is going to just give up Cole. I am really looking forward to the next chapter, so get to work.

Best of luck with this new chapter in your life in which you are now a published author.

You're definitely talented, but you could really use an editor. I was at times distracted from the story by grammar slip-ups that could easily be corrected.

I'll be back for the second installment though!

Wow! Please continue! :-)

can't wait for the rest of this story, i found myself glued to the screen not wanting it to end.

First of all, congrats for posting your work. A lot of people don't have the spine to do it. Overall, I'm interested in the story because it combines two of my favorite things: Victorian England and materialized demons. Weird combination? Maybe. Anyway, I almost wanted the dialogue between Amelia and Lara to be more...genuine? While obviously the Victorians had sex and thought about sex (hell, they gave us the first photographic pornography and the mechanized vibrator!) I have a feeling that two relatively young women would not talk about it in such a way... saying "pussy" and "cock" and the like would've been unusual for a woman of either of their upbringings.

Beyond that, I felt a gap when it came to knowing Nicholas. Yes, we know he's a demon. Yes, we know he wants Lara. Beyond that I feel there's a certain lack of character development. While this is not to say that keeping him mysterious is a bad thing, I feel like giving the reader more hints as to why he's making Lara into a piece of meat rather than acknowledging the bond he's feeling or perhaps a mental conflict about what the bond means and what he wants from Lara would give the story more psychological depth. Yes it would be easy to say "Well, he's a demon, he hates humans," but to do so would make his character too flat and I feel like he has the potential to be a very three-dimensional character.

I've already written enough and, again, I want to congratulate you on submitting your story. If you want to talk over my comments, feel free to contact me. I'm almost always around.

Love,

XXMarked

I like the story and I look forward to more as it definitely has potential ......=) Just get an editor to help you along

Please hurry and post more!

I keep checking back to see if you have added another chapter to this very interesting story. I like the way it has started to develop and find myself wondering where you will take it from here.

I disagree on the victorian girls not knowing the common vernacular, mainly because the more experienced girl has been having affairs with servants for a while and sharing her knowledge with her cousin.

Hoping you get another chapter up soon, this is one of the better submissions I have read here, with a good balance of story and sex so far versus the just sex with a bit of naming to the participants. I also like that Nicholas is not quite good. And doesn't want to be. It is always refreshing to meet a bad guy who you want to like and who doesn't just find his "mate" and become all soft and nice and sweet instantly.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks anon, I really appreciate your feedback. Second part was submitted, just waiting for it to be accepted. (also I'm glad you appreciated the whole Victorian women vs sex thing as there were certainly some promiscuous unmarried ladies back then who created all sorts of scandal by sleeping around etc!)

well, he needs to win an award for sexiest male character i've come across in a while! off to start the next chapter...

a little confused though, if he could read her mind why was he wondering if she was a virgin or not. maybe i didnt get it . im going off to read the next chapters

follow fue to their flippant natures?? due

To renegade on the agreement ?? renege

that humans greatest fears? human's

You must change right this instance? instant

"Thank you, Tom. You are most kind to attend me so."

"Er, it's Tom, my lady." ?? sense?

so cursed obsessed with? cursedly

etc.

Thank you anon, I know and have acknowledged further down that the grammar, punctuation and just about everything else in between is clumsy and severely amateur. This was the first thing I'd ever written - I'm no accomplished author and don't consider myself good at all. If it was perfect I'd be thrilled but I was a weary student at the time of writing with a need for escape, my head buried in countless books. Forming this story out of a small idea I had one idea was my escape. I'm sorry if the errors detracted from your enjoyment of the story. Things like 'fue' instead of 'due' - just realised that the D and F keys are next to each other...mistakes like that are so easy to miss when you keep re-reading, trying to look for errors. If I could devote all my time to writing I would - and I would do my best to ensure there were no mistakes. Such is life!