"You really must stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Making your nipples stand out like that."

"I'm not making them do anything."

"Then why are they sticking out like that?"

"They're very big, and they can't help it."

"How big is big?"

"Enormous really. About nearly an inch long by about 3/8ths of an inch in diameter. Bigger when I get excited."

"Phew!! Bullets!! How do they get excited?"

"When they're on the receiving end of some oral stimulation. Fingers and hands are OK but they react best to a sucking mouth."

"I know you had three kids. They must have just about choked."

"I had to be careful, especially with the first one. He was greedy. My tits were bursting with milk and I nearly drowned him. I got better but all three were on the breast for at least three years each. My nipples got bigger with each child."

"Your tits are huge, too."

"Yes. They weren't this big until the first child and they got bigger with each one after that. It is a trial physically but I just love how they make me feel like a woman."

"Did big breasts run in your family?"

"God, yes. You should have seen my Grandmother. Simply enormous. Mom only had me so she didn't get as big. Even so, she also had big nipples. I can still remember my Dad sucking on them when I caught them at it one morning."

"What? He was sucking on her nipples?"

"And not only that! She was bouncing on his big veiny cock like a demented woman. Sort of moaning in a combination of agony and ecstasy. I caught them a few times and realised that all he had to do to get her in the mood was to play with her nipples. If he got his mouth on them, she was putty in his hands."

"Are you the same?"

"I admit it. Sure, why not? Any man who latched onto me turned me into jelly. After I was married, I spent ages evading that randy man's attention. Seriously, he'd chase me all over the house and garden. He was doing just that when he had a heart attack and died in the laundry of all places."

"Unreal! Have you had many admirers since then? I mean with your blonde Nordic looks, they would have been all over you like a rash. Especially if they could see what I can see."

"No, none. Of course there have been a few that have tried but I was a bit traumatised after my husband fell off my nipple and died at my feet."

"I bet he had a happy look though."

"Kind of a disappointed look, actually. Don't laugh, I'm serious!!"

"How did you manage to keep all those men at bay for so many years?"

"Bloody hard work. Bandaids over the nipples, bulky sweaters, avoiding situations and dying my hair brunette. I think the last ploy was the best. Almost all men think blondes are easy targets. And I think that's because of the endless blonde jokes."

"You're blonde now. Ash blonde. Ash blonde all over?"


"That I gotta see. Lift your skirt and show me. I don't believe you."

"That's disgusting, we hardly know each other."

"Come on. It's the least you can do to reward me for the effort of that meal."

"I will on one condition."


"I'm not normal down there. The condition is that you don't laugh, guffaw or make any derogatory remarks."

"Of course I agree. What do you mean, not normal?"

"Well, I have a larger than usual clitoris, especially when it's erect."

"Jeepers, lady, you got it all. Is it erect now?"

"Fairly erect. Are you sure you want to see it?"

"I'm supposed to be checking for ash blonde pubes but the thought of a huge clit is getting me pretty interested."

"You've been pretty interested as soon as you sat down and started on about my nipples. I can see by that thing bulging down the leg of your pants that you're very interested. And, I haven't even showed you my breasts yet."

"I can't help it. You're a bloody attractive woman, big breasts, big nipples and big clits excluded. I could lose myself in your blue eyes and those lips are a major turn on."

"You're just saying that so you can get a look at my goodies. I'm really very ordinary and old enough to be your mother."

"My mother didn't have tits like yours, I can tell you. More like puppies than zeppelins!"

"So, you're not here because you have a mother fetish?"

"Nope. I'm here because we've been neighbours for four years and you're bloody gorgeous."

"What about your ex-wife. Did she have big tits?"

"God, no. They were perky and firm with nice pouty nipples, or at least they were."


"Well, I actually didn't see them for at least three years before we divorced last year. And only then because I surprised her in the bathroom."

"So, no sex for a while."

"A good long while. At least with her, that is."

"Oh, so you had a bit on the side, eh? You filthy boy. Tell aunty all about it."

"Um, sure. Look, would you mind not tweaking those monster nipples. A bit distracting that."

"Sorry. They were getting a bit itchy."

"Where was I?"

"You were going to tell me about your bit on the side."

"Actually, more than one bit."

"You disgusting nymphomaniac!"

"Satyr actually. Males are satyrs and females are nymphomaniacs."

"I stand corrected."

"Anyway, by the sounds of it, you put it about before you got married. ‘Any man who latched on to me turned me to jelly', you said."

"Er, yes. Well, no, not really. I didn't go looking for it. It was strange how many young men asked me out and moved like greased lightning to get at my nipples."

"Not surprising to me, not at all."


"The word gets around among the boys. Kind of like a blue print for girl X. That one likes her ear nibbled, that one likes her clit stroked, that one spreads her knees as soon as vodka goes down her throat, that one only sucks, that one has super sensitive nipples."

"Good grief! I just thought I was popular."

"You were. It would've been like bees to the honey pot."


"Talking about honey pots, when do I get to see yours?"

"I'm not sure that I should, now. I feel distinctly used."

"Cut it out, that was years ago and besides, I haven't even touched your nipples....yet."

"And you won't have a chance, wonderful dinner or not. Well, at least not if you don't tell me about your bits on the side. How many were there?"


"Three? One after the other."

"Nope, same time."

"You lecherous bastard. You really are a satyr. How long did this go on for?"

"From two years before my divorce until about three months ago."

"Why did you stop? Sounds like you were on a very good thing indeed."



"You remember we'd been neighbours for over four years and never said a word to each until that day at the supermarket."

"That day you collided with me near the frozen peas."

"Yep! I'd never seen you close up. You were just some old lady pottering about in the garden with the big sun hat, bulky sweater and jeans. Looked more like a bag lady."


"Well, one look into you lovely blue eyes and I got an instant hard on. Funny, you know. I've never had that reaction to a woman before in my life, not even when I was 16 and randy as hell."

"So you got an instant hard on at the frozen peas section over some dowdy old bag lady, eh?"

"You will recall that I knocked you onto your lovely big arse. It was while I was helping you up that I got a flash of your legs, a flash of your angry eyes and more than a flash at the time it took for your breasts to stop wobbling about under that big sweater."

"So it was just my tits that turned you on."

"No it was the whole package. Especially when you smiled and apologised and it was me that knocked you down."

"I didn't see you. It was my fault."

"Forget it. I dumped the in-laws and spent every waking minute working out how to get near you. Following you to the supermarket, the bank, the hairdressers – by the way, I was glad when you got rid of the brunette look, didn't seem to suit you. Why did you do that?"

"I, well, er, um, well, if the truth be told, I had noticed you being – well, around. Every time I'd look about, there you'd be, opening doors, carrying groceries, hell, even changing my flat tyre. I figured you were interested despite the age difference. Besides, I was sick of being a bag lady."

"I'm glad. The ash blonde goes better with your looks anyway. Those vivid blue eyes and brownish hair looked a bit off really. Now talking about ash blonde....."

"Hang on a minute buster. What in-laws? Don't tell me you were having it off with your wife's relatives!!?"

"Um, yes, actually."

"You utter bastard!! And while you were still married!! Unbelievable! You're not a satyr, you're a male slut! Which in-laws, specifically."


"I'm not sure I want to hear this."


"I think you'd better leave."

"I can't – this is my house."

"Well, I'll leave then."

"I wish you wouldn't. I gave them all up for you. I don't know whether I'm in love or just plain infatuated. And it will only get worse if you leave. Besides, you promised me a look at your ash blonde pubes."

"Tell me about the in-laws first. Then I'll think about it."

"I can't think about anything else. My cock is dripping like a tap."

"Tough! Talk buster, talk."

"My mother-in-law came round one day, while I was...."

"Mother-in-law!??! How old was she?"

"Er, about your age actually."

"So, an old biddy, eh?"

"Well..... older than me, but no biddy. She came to find out how I was coping. She knew her daughter better than I. She was different and so understanding and, after a couple of wines, outright flirtatious. I'm afraid I allowed her to take advantage of me in my weakened state."

"Right! Weakened state. Ho bloody ho. You'd have shagged a statue you were that desperate."

"Well it had been a long while. When she put my hand on her knee and then moved it up to her soft thighs, I almost came in my pants. I'm on the verge of doing that now, really."

"Yeah, yeah. Get on with it. I consider myself fortunate I didn't ask for you sexual history since puberty!"

"Right. Well, as soon as my hand reached her thighs, they kind of fell open and next thing I knew, I had my hand on her motte."

"Motte? What the hell is a motte for goodness sake?"

"It's French for – er - you know, the bearded clam, the destroyer of men, her pussy, her kitty, her cu...."

"I get the picture. What was it like?"

"Since I hadn't felt one for years, it felt bloody lovely. It was covered with soft curls but I had a hand full of pulpy love lips.....hey, stop laughing. What's so funny?"

"Love lips, my god, love lips.....just love it. You romantic you."

"You know, all that gurgling and giggling has caused your breasts to dance about under that sweater like two live puppies. They're a bit big for puppies though. Do you want to hear more?"

"Okay, okay, get on with it. I just love the descriptions though."

"Well I slid two fingers into her and rubbed my thumb over her bulging clitty. She gasped like a landed fish and came all over my hand. And all over my nice clean sofa, the bitch."

"Tee hee. I bet you had to do some cleaning up before wifey got home."

"I'll say. Next thing I knew, she'd fished my old fellow out and plugged it into the hottest orifice I'd been in for quite some time. I lasted about four strokes."

"You're a premature ejaculator!! I knew it. I find a half decent man and he can't go the distance. Absolutely unreal."

"Hang on, hang on. I didn't lose any stiffness at all. By the time I had her clothes off, and most of mine, we were well into round two. A nice little body she had too. Before the afternoon was out, I'd shagged her nine ways to hell and back. And she gave as good as she got. Now there was a real nympho!"

"And she came back for more?"

"At least once a week, and once with her best friend. That was a great afternoon."

"I'll bet, you horny bastard. What other in-laws did you take advantage of?"

"Take advantage? Take advantage? Of them? I can tell you it was the other way round! Seems her other daughter, the wife's sister, heard her telling her friend on the phone what she'd been up to one afternoon and quick as flash parked herself on my doorstep making like a lion with a sore paw."

"How so?"

"Went on about how her divorce had robbed her of any feelings about men, that they were all unprincipled bastards, that ......."

"They are. I agree with her."

"You would. Next thing you know the sister-in-law had me backed up to the very same sofa that had seen action with her mother with her hand wrapped around my tool."

"You have a serious problem. You really would shag anything breathing. I'm starting to feel that the phrase ‘any port in a storm' should be your motto for life."

"Okay, okay. I have to admit that we men are easy to arouse. And the hand of a woman you've never touched before will do it every time. Mind you, she was more attractive than her mother and the wife. I'd had a few thoughts about her over the years but never thought she'd come onto me like that."

"Yeah, yeah, Mr. Stud. They can't resist can they?"

"Look, smartarse, it wasn't me doing the chasing. I was just a helpless pawn in their wicked game. I was just a walking penis."

"A walking penis, just love it. Whoops, getting the wobble up again. Stop gawping at my tits and tell me the rest."

"We went at it hammer and tongs. She was very vocal. It was a wonder you didn't hear her she screamed that loud."

"Maybe I did."

"You did?"

"Yep. Initially I thought you were strangling a cat but her shouting ‘fuck me hard, darling, fuck me hard' following by more screaming and moaning had me reaching for the handle of the hairbrush for the first time in years."

"You masturbated with the handle of a hairbrush? You kinky old tart."

"Yes you bastard. And I started to think of actually having sex with a man for the first time in many years. I'd spent more time solving the problems of blossoming petunias than blossoming penises. And then you made that tart scream like a banshee."

"Yeah, and I only had my little finger up her juicy twat."

"Yeah, yeah. How often did you give her the benefit of your little finger?"

"At least twice a week. The best was when her mother walked in while I was doing the wheelbarrow on her."

"The wheelbarrow!!?? What the hell is a wheelbarrow. And don't tell me it's a gardening tool."

"It's where you get into them from behind, put their legs around your waist. Your vertical and they're horizontal. She had her hands on the sofa and I was doing the pushing using her lovely firm tits as handles."

"Riiiiight! Of course. You sexual athlete you. I hope you don't entertain hopes of repeating that position with me, young man. I'm too old for those sorts of games."

"If ever, I repeat, if ever we get round to doing some naughty but nice with you, I seriously don't think I'll be able to get a grip on those monsters of yours. But then again, it would be fun trying."

"Yeah right buster....get on with the story."

"The mother and the daughter did a combo on me. I didn't know whether I was Arthur or Martha, or rather, who was on my face and who was on my cock. I know one thing for sure, my wife had certainly not inherited her libido from the female line of the family. As it turned out, her father was a prissy prude who only did it in the dark at Easter and Christmas. Thought he was doing the mother-in-law a favour."

"Who was the third in-law?"

"Jeez, I was hoping you'd forget about that."

"Nope, studdo, no way. I need to hear all the gory details before I decide whether to show you my pubes or not."

"Are you sure you want to hear? Can't we just get on with it? My shaft is tearing a hole in my trousers."

"Stop your whining. Come on, I want to hear the dirty details of number three."

"Well, it was the wife's grandmother."

"Absolutely unreal!! You truly would stick you filthy dick into anything. I suppose you had to help her out of her support hose after you'd put her wheely walker out of reach?"

"Nope. And she wasn't that old. Late fifties or thereabouts. Lovely body on her and the same lack of inhibitions as her daughter and granddaughter. As a matter of fact, I still can't work out how my wife missed out but I now realise she had inherited her libido from her old man."

"So how did you snare her into your dirty insatiable little web, you randy worm."

"She was at my divorce party."

"A divorce party, how civilized! How many of your bits on the side were there?"

"Actually, I'd invited the mother and sister-in-law and they extended an invitation to her. I didn't know what to expect but I was fairly certain I was going to dip out. All of sudden after her third gin, Laura, the grandmother asked me if I liked to suck pussy, even well marinated pussy."

"And, you said ......."

"'kin' oath, drop ‘em and spread ‘em."

"Suave, very suave. I'll bet she nearly swooned over those romantic lines."

"Not quite. She did fall back, hoick her skirts up revealing a hairy, pouting puss that was dripping down her legs. Talking about that, how's your's doing?"

"I think I've dried up – menopause, ya know."

"Absolute frog shit, I can smell you from here."

"Don't you dare change the subject until you finish your sordid little tale, or should I say until you finish tailing the old chick."

"As it happens, as I dove in, the mother-in-law swooped on my cock and I was so turned on eating the old tart's cu... er puss that she got the first load right down her gullet. Damn near drowned the greedy bitch."

"So that was you finished for the day, or the week. Sigh – all men are the same, cum once and out to lunch."

"Not me, lady, not this boy. I had a stiff stander that would cut diamonds especially after the old girl shot a load of joy juice down my throat that damned near drowned me!! I'd no sooner gulped in some oxygen when the old girl pushed me onto my back and dropped her very tight cu....er vagina right on my cock. Talk about insatiable!! Next thing you know the bloody lights went out."

"I see, it was such a horrible sight with that wrinkled old tart riding you hell for leather that the others couldn't bear it and switched off the light."

"You really are cynical old bitch. That's not what happened. The sister-in-law dropped her hairy snatch right on my mouth and I was blinded by her bum cheeks and my nose was up her arse."

"Disgusting. There you were, the walking penis, now the horizontal penis, being used for the sexual gratification of what was clearly a family of nymphomaniacs. And you expect to have your filthy way with me?!?? Not bloody likely!"

"Yeah? Then how come you crossed and recrossed your legs about fifteen times while I was telling you about it. That skirt has ridden up and I can see pussy juice gleaming on those bloody beautiful thighs. On top of that, your nipples have got bigger and your humongous tits are now pointing straight out."

"Maybe I'm an aural voyeur. Maybe I prefer to hear about it rather than do it."

"Crap! The smell of deep fried pussy juice is so thick you couldn't cut it with a meat cleaver. Talking about meat cleavers, mine has dripped so much pre-cum, it's wet my socks. You want me and sure as hell, I want you. Why don't you bring those nipples over here for some attention."

"Suave, very suave. My romantic funny bone is twitching with joy."

"My romantic bone is just plain twitching. Come on, don't be shy. Let the dog see the rabbit."

"I presume that is the vernacular for showing you my titties. You are a dog, a rabid dog. All you want is a quick end away and then it will be off down the club to brag about it to the boys. Typical bloody male."

"I learnt years ago that there are certain types of women, women I don't like by the way, who revel in being the gossip among the boys. I ain't no tattle tale, or tittle tale for that matter. If you won't take that sweater off, come here and let me do it. You're a PT and no mistake. You'd drive a less patient man to cut off his dick rather than go through all this. Fortunately, I'm a patient man, especially when there is a prize like you at the end of the road."

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