No Good Deed

"I will, ma'am. Thank you kindly."

The Coopers headed towards the exit, arm in arm, while Isobel returned to her previous course and walked to the front of the room. Erick stared her down the whole way, still beet red with anger and clutching at the edge of his tunic with both hands.

The two locked eyes for a few moments while Isobel stood there in front of his dais, her usual inscrutable expression on her face.

"Well?!" Erick said.

"Well what, your Lordship?"

"You're obviously here for a reason. If you've got something to say, say it, and then get out. I'm in no mood for trifles this morning, unless you're planning to stick around and solve the rest of these idiots' problems for me."

"I merely came to present the results of our visit to the nearby goblin tribe, as your Lordship requested of us."

"As I requested? As you demanded of me, more like!"

"If you do not wish to hear the bad news, I will happily return to--"

"The bad news?"

"Yes. Despite our best efforts, I am afraid that our negotiations were unsuccessful. The goblin tribe was unwilling to come to any acceptable terms such that we can guarantee the safety of the village."

"Well of course, you fool! I told you negotiating with them was impossible! But you were gone for two entire days. How did you even surv--"

A villager burst through the front door, yelling at the top of his lungs. "Lord Erick! Lord Erick! The wall is collapsing!"

Erick growled and thrust his finger at Isobel. "You stay right there," he said, rising from his chair. But as he stepped down from the dais to the floor, he suddenly doubled over and groaned.

"Are you all right, your Lordship?" Isobel asked.

"No I'm not all right, you ass!" he barked. "Herald! Get me a bucket! And go find Captain, uh, what's-his-name!"

The herald's eyes went wide and he scampered out of the room. Isobel went to Erick, drawing a rune in the air and resting her other hand on his back. He straightened up almost immediately, feeling the nausea drain away with the effects of the spell.

"Thank the Eight Gods," he said. "That's better. Now where the hell is the Captain of the Watch? And what's going on out at the walls?"

"I do not know," said Isobel. "The villager that delivered the news left as quickly as they came in."

"Fine. We'll go see to it ourselves then, yes." He strode across the hall to the front door, throwing it open with a grunt. Isobel followed him outside, then stopped behind him as he suddenly vomited all over the ground in front of the chapel.

Erick looked accusingly at Isobel. "What in the Eleven Planes did you do to me back there?"

"The spell I cast merely removed the sensation of nausea. It did not affect whatever is upsetting your stomach. But you appear to have handled--"

Erick growled. "Damn you and your devil magic, anyway! Why do I even keep you around if you're not going to help me?"

"Technically your Lordship does not keep me at all. I am merely here to represent--"

"Yes! The Queen! Fine! Whatever!" He stormed off towards the construction area at the edge of town. A crowd of laborers had gathered around the site where one of the sections of wall had fallen down and were milling about, anxiously chattering about it and speculating as to the cause.

"--fell down like an old barn--"

"--must have been the goblins--"

"--almost landed on poor Johnson--"

"--never did like that Captain--"

"SILENCE!" Erick roared. "Who's in charge here?"

All eyes turned to one of the militia captains, standing nearby with an awkwardly-sized helmet that made him unrecognizable and armor that barely fit him.

"Y-yes, your Lordship?" he said nervously, his voice echoing inside the cavernous helmet.

"Do you have any idea what happened here?"

"Uh, well, sir, there seems--"

The entire crowd of laborers exploded into chatter again, producing an unintelligible cacophony of noise as everyone espoused their own theory on why the wall came down and what went wrong in the first place.

"In the name of the Twelve Ancestors! Will! You! All! SHUT! UP!"

An uneasy hush fell over the crowd.

"You," he said, pointing at the captain, "will get this wall section put back up by the end of the day, or I'll take that whip from your belt and beat you with it myself. And that goes for the rest of you! Put it back up, and so help me, if it comes down again it had better be covered in your blood!"

Erick turned on his heel and strode away quickly. The guard captain turned pale, but turned fearfully towards the crowd, attempting to encourage them to get back to work.

Isobel caught up to Erick a few feet away. "That seemed unnecessary," she offered.

"What was unnecessary about it?" Erick snapped. "How hard is it to put up a damn wall that will stay standing, and not fall on their idiot heads the next day? All it has to do is keep out a bunch of goblin weaklings! And those stupid militia captains aren't any better. I don't know why I bothered appointing them in the first place if they're just going to stand around and not be in charge of anything."

Samuel met them outside the door to the chapel as they returned. "Where have you all been?" he asked.

"There were some difficulties with the new town walls," said Isobel.

Erick, still fuming, was more direct. "Difficulties! This whole town is full of imbeciles!" he barked. "I don't even know--"

"Perhaps we should take this inside," said Samuel.

"Yes, yes, fine, inside."

No sooner had the door closed behind them that Erick launched right back into his tirade. "Why do I even bother with these idiots? If it's not their petty domestic squabbles, it's a bunch of incompetent labor driven by useless captains. Never mind that idiot cook of mine and his 'fancy new herbs' or whatever that nonsense was."

"Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings--"

"Oh, by the Nine Hells, not you, too. What could you possibly have to say to me?"

Samuel paused for emphasis. "Erick of Harburg, in the name of the Queen, I place you under arrest."

Erick stopped, spun around, and stared at Samuel. The paladin's face didn't betray anything but deadly seriousness, but after a few moments, Erick cracked up, filling the empty hall with his laughter.

"Oh, you paladins," he said when he was finally able to take a breath. "I can't get enough of you. You're the best practical jokers in the Queen's realm. You nearly had me for a second there."

"I'm afraid I'm not joking," said Samuel.

"What's the charge?" said Isobel.

"Assassination, or if you prefer, 'politically motivated murder'. And impersonating a noble."

The color drained out of Erick's face. "I-- I-- I don't have any idea what you're talking about," he stammered. "Impersonating a noble? I've got the same blood as--"

"So you don't deny the murder charge, then?" said Samuel.

"No, no, I haven't murdered anyone! Who exactly do you think I murdered?"

"Paul, the former mayor of this town, for the purpose of assuming the mayor's chair yourself."

"That's preposterous."

"I thought so, too, until I saw his body."

"You found the body? Where? How do you know it was him? That was almost a year ago!"

"I'm fairly certain this is a holy symbol of Talor," Samuel said, withdrawing the object from a pouch on his belt. "And his sister tells us that this is their family signet ring."

"Well, thank the Three Powers that you found him, yes! We'd been wanting to send out a search party--"

"I thought you said it had been almost a year. What stopped you?"

"Those woods aren't safe, no, no, not safe at all."

"Yes, they're terribly dangerous, I know. Isobel and I were frightened for our lives the entire time we were there. Tell me, Erick, do you know what this is?" He produced a third object from his pouch.

"No, but I suspect you're about to tell me."

"It's an arrowhead."

"And?"

"I recovered it from Paul's body. Do you see how the shaft the arrow was snapped off?"

"So he was killed by an arrow! What's your point?"

"Goblins aren't strong enough to use bows and arrows. The only ones around here who are, are the human hunters we found patrolling the woods. And they don't seem to be coming from Harburg."

Erick's expression grew more sour. From outside, the sounds of a fight filtered in through the doors.

"What the hell is going on out there?" Erick said, pushing past Samuel and Isobel and making for the front door.

Samuel grabbed him by the shoulder. "Don't change the subject. You're not going anywhere until you've answered my questions."

"What questions? All you've done is waste my time with these stupid assumptions and insinuations. I've done nothing wrong, you've got no--"

"Proof? How about the sworn testimony of one of the hunters you sent to chase off the goblins' game and force them to raid the village? Is that proof enough?"

Erick stared daggers at Samuel. "No one will believe him."

A loud bang echoed through the hall as something struck the front doors, causing all three of them to duck. It struck again, and the third time the doors burst open. Smoke poured into the hall, and the sounds of fighting got dramatically louder. Erick immediately turned and ran for the back door.

"Stop him!" said Samuel, drawing his sword. "I'll take care of this."

Isobel turned to Erick, her hands already beginning to glow with red energy before Samuel could finish the sentence. She drew a sigil in the air with her left hand while her right made a motion like cracking a whip. Erick's muscles seized up in mid-stride and he froze in place, red rings of energy around his limbs and torso.

Heavy footsteps echoed through the hall. Two hobgoblins emerged from the clouds of dust and smoke, one wielding a giant warhammer and the other a longsword and short sword combination. Samuel knelt, sticking the point of his sword into the ground and whispering a word of power. A flash of yellow and orange flickered across his body, and when he stood again he charged towards the two hobgoblins, moving faster than it seemed possible.

One of the hobgoblins swung his warhammer, going for the knockout blow before the fight had even begun, but Samuel stepped around the swing. The other hobgoblin jabbed at him with her short sword, which he parried, twirling around to throw his own shot in response. Steel clanged against steel as she blocked his attack, but Samuel turned in a flash and thrust at the other hobgoblin. He barely had time to dodge out of the way, Samuel catching him in the side with a glancing blow.

Isobel watched as Samuel danced and spun, trying to concentrate on the spell pinning Erick in place. Samuel was holding off the two hobgoblins, but didn't seem able take any sort of advantage. He ducked out of the way of the hammer again, and this time the other hobgoblin was able to sneak in a blow that he couldn't avoid.

Isobel turned and shot out one hand, sending three bolts of blue power hurtling towards the hobgoblins. The bolts flashed as they hit, staggering the hobgoblin with the warhammer and sending him crashing backwards to the floor. Erick felt the magical bonds begin to slip as Isobel's focus was diverted elsewhere, and as he struggled against them he managed to work one arm free.

Samuel dueled with the other hobgoblin, but she was surprisingly dexterous. They circled around until he stood between her and the hobgoblin on the floor, who picked up his warhammer and began an overhead swing. "Samuel!" Isobel cried out. He threw himself to the ground at her shout and rolled out of the way just in time, the head of the warhammer crashing through the floor. Erick, however, took advantage of her loss of concentration and freed himself the rest of the way, running for the back of the room and throwing himself through the door.

Erick ran up the stairs to his chamber, quickly stuffing a change of clothes and whatever valuables he could grab into a bag. He looked out the window and saw one of the guards tending the horses in the stables behind the hall.

"You there! Saddle a horse for me!"

Gerald looked up from the stables to see Erick in his chamber window, yelling down at him.

"A horse, sir?" he yelled back.

"Yes, you mindless oaf, a horse! And hurry!" He disappeared from the window.

"Right away, sir," Gerald said quietly, smiling to himself.

Erick hurried back down the stairs, the sounds of combat growing louder around him all the time. He turned away from the main hall and burst into the kitchen, where Clarissa and the cook were gossiping.

"Get out of my way!" he yelled, pushing past them.

"Oh, your Lordship! How did you like the new--"

He stopped, already halfway through the back door, and turned to yell to them. "It made me sick, you asses! You're both fired! Go find someone else to poison!"

The door slammed behind him as he exited to the alley behind the hall. Clarissa and the cook paused for a moment, then covered their mouths with their hands and laughed quietly.

Erick looked about, finding the stables again and spotting Gerald, who was holding a sorry-looking horse.

"Here you are, your Lordship," he said.

"This old nag? Is that the best you can do?"

"Well, sir," Gerald said, taking some offense, "she may not be much to look at but she's served me well. Sure, you might have to take your time and stop here and there to let her graze--"

"I haven't got time for this, ass. What else have you got?"

"Begging your Lordship's pardon, but there's not much else here. The rest of the horses are out driving the timber wagons. All I've got is Bessie here, and this one that belongs to those nice folk staying in the tavern. But you can't--"

"Yes! Yes! I'll take theirs. Put a saddle on it already! Hurry!"

Gerald threw a saddle atop the other horse and helped Erick awkwardly climb up astride the beast's back. Erick whipped the reins and slapped the horse's sides, and the horse whinnied and took off at a gallop. Gerald watched as he rode off, waited for the dust to settle down, then casually walked around to the front of the building, whistling tunelessly.

Andrew met him at the corner, carrying a helmet that was far too large for him and wearing armor that was a bit too small. "He's gone then, is he?"

"Scampered off on the horse, just as they said he would."

"Thank the Seventeen Potatoes for that!" said Andrew, laughing.

"Not sure I understand all this 'illusion' nonsense, or how I feel about that goblin mage waving his hands about like that, but it seems to have done the job all right."

"If Erick never comes back, I won't care if they had to summon a devil to do it for us."

"I'll drink to that."

In front of the hall, an old-looking goblin stood leaning heavily on his staff, with his younger companion holding him up from the other side. The Coopers had rolled a large barrel of ale out into the street and were trying to get the goblins to drink from it, but lacked any common language to communicate other than by pointing and waving. The street was otherwise clear, with no signs of any commotion or fighting to be seen.

The goblins looked up in apprehension when Gerald and Andrew came around the corner, but relaxed when they saw the smiles on their faces.

"Aedix! Takas!" said Gerald. "We did it!"

The two goblins looked at each other, then turned back and waved at the human guardsmen.

"Hey hey, they're back already!" said Mr. Cooper.

"Well that must be good news then."

"I told you it was going to work."

"You said nothing of the sort, you ass! You were more scared than the rest of us!"

"Oo, I was not!"

"Yes you were!"

"Shut up and pour the bloody ale already!"

"Goblins don't even drink ale!"

"How do you know that?"

"Well if they don't," said Andrew, taking the mug and filling it himself, "we'll teach 'em to drink it!"

Neither goblin had any idea what the humans were talking about, but sensing a pause in the conversation, the younger one pointed at the hall. "In... cave?" he said, stretching what little Human language he knew.

"Yes, yes, let's go inside," said Gerald. "I want to see how our heroes are doing."

The inside of the hall was somewhat disheveled, with a few pieces of furniture turned over and an enormous warhammer leaning up against one wall. Somehow, the tapestry of Lord Erick had been torn down and was lying in a pile on the floor. Samuel, Isobel, and Kalath chatted together while Trokdon sat on a bench and Clarissa attempted to tend to a cut in his side.

"I do not need your help," he said, trying to shoo Clarissa away, but she was having none of it.

"Nonsense," she said. "Samuel got you well and good in the side here. Let me just--"

"He did not," said the hobgoblin, batting at her hands. "It is nothing."

Kalath laughed from across the room. "[Careful, war-champion. You might make a new friend.]"

Trokdon growled back at her. "[If the blood-stealer insists on covering it, it will not scar.]"

"[That would be a shame,]" said Isobel. "[But I agree with your life-mate. You should let her do what she wants.]"

Kalath lowered her voice as Aedix and Takas entered the hall. "[Don't encourage him any further, wizard. You are already responsible for this 'peculiar obsession' of his.]"

"What are you all going on about?" said Clarissa.

"We are merely discussing the relations between your village and the goblin tribe," said Isobel.

"My village?"

"Yours, my lady!" said Gerald.

"Can't think of anyone who deserves it more," said Andrew. "You already know the whole town inside and out because of your years spent keeping the tavern. Your brother was the best mayor we've ever had, and thanks to Erick, everyone in town now remembers that fact. The least we could do is let you carry on Paul's work."

"Besides, who would speak against you? Even the militia captains are happy to see the backside of that buffoon."

"And anyone who isn't happy, can speak to us instead," said Kalath.

Clarissa looked up at Trokdon, who nodded in agreement. "Well, if we're going to work together," she said, "we're going to have to do something about the fact that I don't speak Goblin."

"You'd be surprised how fast you can pick up the basics," said Samuel.

"And you shall have help," said Isobel. "Kalath is an excellent teacher of tongues."

Epilogue

After the next few days, during which there was a grand celebration of Clarissa's new position as well as the establishment of some secure diplomatic ties between Harburg and the goblin tribe, Isobel and Samuel found themselves on the long journey back to their home city. They'd been sent off with the thanks of an entire village, as well as plenty of food for the trip home.

The Arithrakian countryside rolled gently past as they rode, showing off the best glimpses of life on the outskirts of the kingdom. Well acquainted with each other as traveling partners at this point, the conversation passed comfortably. It wasn't until late on the second day of travel that either of them brought up what had happened over the past week.

"One question you must answer for me, Samuel."

"Of course."

"By the time we departed Harburg for the goblins' cave, you were already convinced that Erick's claim to the village was illegitimate, largely because he ordered the assassination of the former mayor."

"That's correct. But it's not a question," Samuel said, smirking.

"If you will be patient for a moment, it is the secondary charge that it is the subject of my inquiry. At what point did you first determine that Erick was not actually a peer in the Queen's court?"

Samuel's face broke into a grin. "Ah, figured that out, did you?"

"I have deduced it from a combination of your behavior and your lines of questioning, but I am still uncertain of the evidence that has convinced you."