No Strings Attached

Then there was the crushing humiliation, the intense mortification of losing my shit at the dude who stopped us. And that got a thousand times worse as Alex glared at me, annoyance still written across his face as he refused to let me get away without telling him what I was talking about.

"Well?" he asked testily as I froze.

"Can we talk about it somewhere else?" I asked quietly.

"What? I just had to—"

"Please, Alex." My voice shook and I turned even redder, more pissed at myself for sounding pathetic than I was embarrassed. "Just your car, even?"

He almost said no. Then he studied me for a moment, sighed, and jerked his head towards the parking lot. We said nothing as we walked through the lot, save for Alex pointing out which car was his and me mumbling a quick "thank you" as he opened the passenger door for me.

"Flustered" and "flattered" were then added to the growing list of emotions I was experiencing.

He got into the driver's seat but didn't turn the key. I tried to collect my thoughts and figure out how to tell him, but apparently I was taking too long.

"Gonna make me ask again?"

"Give me a fucking second," I snapped.

Alex made a small noise, almost like a scoff, but shrugged.

"I used to do some... alternative modeling." It came out sounding flat and lame.

"Uh. Okay."

"Under the name Ember Firestone."

He chuckled. "All right."

"Naked."

"Oh."

I swallowed, the silence in the car almost overwhelming.

"I was pretty popular," I added quietly.

"I can imagine."

"Please don't."

He laughed a bit and shrugged. "Okay. And?"

"And what?"

"What's the rest of the story?"

"Um... I stopped just after Leia was born? I don't... I still get recognized sometimes. I don't like it."

Alex turned to me. "That's it?"

I must have looked offended, or at the very least confused, because he started laughing again.

"I just mean like, that's... that's the deep dark secret?"

"Um. Yeah. I used to do like, shows and stuff. Kind of like conventions? But I... don't. Not anymore."

"Okay."

I stared at him. Where was the inevitable judgment? Where was the leering grin, the slow expectation that he probably didn't have to take me to dinner at a fancy restaurant, he could probably just pick up a six-pack and bring me back to his place and I'd...

"Look, you got your past, I got mine," Alex said. "Does any of this change anything?"

"Um. No, I guess not."

"Great. Let's call it even then." He turned the car on.

"Wait, seriously? You don't... I don't know, think I'm a whore or something? Like, surely this has to bother you. It bothers everyone."

"I don't think you're a whore, it doesn't bother me, and don't call me Shirley."

I lost it, laughing harder than was probably called for due to the overwhelming relief. Alex grinned as he put the car in reverse.

Inviting Alex over for dinner had been an accidental-date, but this was more of a circumstantial-date. I mean, he had invited my kid, and my best friend and her kid and my brother... and thanks to Kelsie, none of them could make it. Still, I wasn't complaining as we got to the restaurant and Alex held the door for me.

It was fairly busy but we got a table with ease. My eyes widened a bit as I took in the prices on the menu but Alex pointed out what he said was best, so I shrugged and told him to pick whatever. I wasn't usually one to let someone else order for me but I trusted his opinion.

It was a good instinct; the food was amazing. What was more amazing was the company. The chemistry between me and Alex was undeniable. It had been there when he sat and talked for an hour and a half after our weird accidental-date. It had been there when he touched my thigh while waiting for Leia to take the stage. And it was there now, stronger than before, almost electric in the way it overtook us.

Alex was easy to talk to. He was funny and clever. He was easygoing and accepting. And in that black T-shirt, he looked impeccably attractive. It barely crossed my mind that he was old enough to be my father until after dinner when we were strolling aimlessly along the riverwalk.

"Okay, so let me get this straight," he said, laughing. "You hate your name."

"Yes."

"Even though it suits you perfectly."

"Yep."

"Because your parents gave you a weird name and you just wanted to be called like, Britney or Ashley or Caitlin like everyone else."

"Well, yes."

"And then you named your daughter..."

"Oh my God, don't!" I laughed. "I was twenty-one. It made sense at the time."

"You just wanted everyone to know you were a Star Wars fan?"

"No!" I blushed, shaking my head as I tried not to smile. "It's... look, it's kind of a stupid story. You're going to laugh at me."

"Yeah, probably, but you should still tell me."

I bit my lip. Truth be told, the story wasn't all that funny. It was stupid, but not funny.

"I had this friend growing up. Like when I was really young, maybe Leia's age. His mom used to be really sweet to me, which I just... I didn't realize at the time, but she was definitely trying to make up for my own parents. Feeding me and buying me presents and stuff."

"Her name was Leia?"

"No. It's just that they were really important to me. Anyway, we used to play like, all the time. And we always played Star Wars. Constantly. He was always Han Solo, I was always Princess Leia. It's one of the few good memories of my childhood."

"What happened?"

"He died."

"Shit. I'm sorry."

I smiled. It was all I could do to keep from crying.

"It's okay. It was a long time ago. But when I got pregnant and was trying to think of names, I wanted something... I dunno, meaningful. If she'd been a boy I would've named her after him. But she came out a girl, so I went with Leia. To a pregnant twenty-one-year-old, it seemed like a touching tribute. Unfortunately, I set her up for a lifetime of teasing, just like my parents did to me."

Alex didn't laugh. Instead, almost hesitantly, he took my hand. I squeezed it gently.

"My son used to love Star Wars," he said.

"You have a son?"

"Yeah. He would've been a couple years older than you."

The words seemed to bypass his mind before he said them, because he seemed to only realize what he'd said after a few moments. He let go of my hand, the sudden discomfort between us apparent.

I just didn't know if that discomfort came from him admitting how close in age I was to his son or from the revelation that his son was gone.

"Guess I should tell you the whole thing," he said, clearing his throat. "Kinda has to do with the reason I left the band."

"What happened?"

He was basically Jimmy was what happened.

At least, if Jimmy had been allowed to continue, if Jimmy had gotten married really young and had a kid, and if Jimmy had kept drinking and doing drugs and partying until his young wife got fed up and threatened to leave him, so serious in her intent that she moved out of their house while he was on tour.

The biggest difference was that Alex had been far more valuable to his label than Jimmy was.

"I couldn't lose her. Told her I'd do whatever it took, whatever she wanted." He shook his head, chuckling dryly. "She'd've never asked me to give up being in the band, but she wanted me sober. Big Mike stepped in, got me into rehab. Only thing was the label wanted to keep it all hush-hush, didn't want it all over the news. So they made up this story about us going on tour in Europe to cover the fact that I was in a swanky fucking rehab center in southern France."

"That... makes sense, I guess."

He shrugged. "Yeah. Makes sense. I was fucking detoxing in paradise when she packed her shit back up to move back home. Was probably lounging by a pool feeling sorry for myself when that truck ran a fucking red and hit the car."

There were no words.

"'Course they were both in it. Never would've happened if I'd just..."

He trailed off, jaw clenched. My heart ached for him, the guilt he was carrying so strong I could almost feel it. He'd lost everything, and he blamed himself.

There were no words. Of course there were no words. Words would never be enough.

I did the only thing I could think of: I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around Alex. He stiffened for a moment, but only just a moment before he was hugging me back. He clutched me tightly, body pressed against mine, his head bowed against my shoulder.

We stayed that way for a long time, far longer than was appropriate. It was probably because at some point, the hug stopped being about comfort. A slight shift of my hand here, a subtle move of his hips there, and suddenly my heart was racing as the heat from Alex's body overtook mine. His breath hitched almost imperceptibly and he swallowed as I became very aware of how good it felt to be held by him.

"I should probably get you back home," he said quietly.

I let go of him and stepped back, trying not to blush.

"Yeah. Kelsie's probably had it up to here with the girls by now."

The car ride back to my place was quiet. Alex pulled into the driveway just as my phone went off.

The girls and dog are having a sleepover at my place wink wink nudge nudge

"Goddamnit," I muttered.

"What's wrong?"

"Uh, Leia's just sleeping over at Kelsie's tonight. She'll be... tired tomorrow. You know. Cranky."

"Oh."

There was a silent, electric, overwhelmingly overt tension as the implication hit him.

"You should come in," I said, staring straight ahead at the dashboard.

"Should I?"

"Yeah."

He didn't say anything as he contemplated long enough that I couldn't take it anymore.

"Or don't," I said. "Invitation's open."

I got out of the car before he could say anything else. My pulse threatened to burst through my skin as I unlocked the front door, not looking behind me, not checking to see if he followed. When the front door shut with a quiet click behind me, I let out the breath I hadn't realized I was holding, though my shoulders slumped with disappointment.

At least, they did for the ten seconds or so before Alex pulled the door open again.

I turned towards him; he reached for me. Without a second thought, his lips were pressed against mine, urgent and soft and leaving me breathless. It was like being showered with sparks, like something had burst above us and was raining electricity and heat and desire over us in the front hallway.

I had never wanted someone so badly in my life.

His hands were confident, one holding the back of my head as he kissed me and the other sliding to my waist and around my back, pulling my body tight against his. I gasped as he bit at my lip, tongue flicking over the spot he nipped at before doing it all over again.

My hands were less confident, but I slipped my hands in the opening of his leather jacket and ran them down his chest. He made a soft noise when I moved past the hem of his shirt and to the waistband of his jeans, my fingers tracing along to the buckle of his belt.

"I have concerns about this," he mumbled, but he didn't stop kissing me.

"They don't seem too pressing," I murmured back.

"Em... Ember."

I stopped what I was doing and looked up at him. His eyes met mine, wide and guarded, but unable to completely hide the desire buried in them.

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

He groaned softly and pulled my face to his again.

By the time we made it to my bedroom, Alex's jacket was off and his belt was unbuckled. My shirt was lying somewhere in the hallway and my hair was worked out of its ponytail, falling around my shoulders. His hands were running along any inch of exposed skin he could find, a trail of tingling arousal inching along my skin as he moved his fingers.

I lifted his shirt and he paused his exploration of my body long enough to pull it off over his head. Then he was unhooking my bra, pushing the straps down my arms and letting it drop to the floor.

Before he touched my breasts, he paused, staring down at them.

"I only took out most of my piercings," I explained, almost shyly.

Alex grinned and said nothing as he lowered his head, taking one pierced nipple into his mouth as he gently cupped my other breast.

I tilted my head back, unable to stop myself from moaning softly. My nipples tingled as he lavished attention on them, his tongue twirling around the barbell, sucking and kissing and licking all around my breasts. I cradled his head against me, sighing as he played with my tits, running my fingers through his hair.

His mouth didn't leave my breasts, but his hands did. He unbuttoned my jeans and pushed them down just enough that he could slide his hand into my panties. One calloused finger slipped between my folds and I felt him smile against me when he realized just how wet I was.

"I want you." I tugged gently on his hair and he groaned.

"Fuck, Ember," he murmured.

I don't know what was more surprising: the fact that I didn't mind him using my full name, or the fact that it was the sexiest sounding thing he'd ever said.

"Please," I said, and he laughed.

There wasn't much more in terms of foreplay. Neither of us was patient enough; we had been dealing with a day's worth of torturous sparks between us. When he pulled his hand from my panties, he pushed them the rest of the way down and I stepped out of them. As he straightened up, I finished undoing his jeans and he let them drop to the floor as he pushed me towards the bed.

I licked my lips as he finished undressing. Alex laughed when he saw where I was looking and I grinned unapologetically.

"Leon really is getting larger," I said.

"Oh fuck, don't call my cock Leon," he groaned.

I laughed as he crawled onto the bed next to me. Before he could bring himself over me, I pushed on his chest and got him to lie on his back.

"I have an IUD. Are you... good?"

"Yep."

"Thank God."

I swung my leg over his hip, positioned him at my entrance, and sighed in relief as I pushed myself down on his cock. Alex groaned, his eyes closing briefly and his hands moving to my hips.

There was no teasing, no slow buildup. I rode him hard, craving the satisfaction he was bringing me. At first, he let me use his cock, let me grind against him and bounce on top of him, but before long he wanted to take control.

He pulled me forward, bringing my breasts towards his face so he could suck my nipple as he began thrusting up into me. I cried out, clinging to him as he moved inside me, pleasure hitting every sensitive spot in my body and overwhelming my senses. How he could do so much at once was beyond me; his mouth was doing one thing, his hands holding me in place, his hips pushing up inside me hard and rhythmically.

I was mumbling something incoherent when I came. My legs trembled uncontrollably and I clutched at him, crying out as my vision sparked with stars from the intensity of the pleasure. I heard Alex groan, felt his mouth move away from my breast as he said something, and then he was kissing me.

While he was kissing me, he came, his own noises vibrating against my mouth as he finished. Still quivering, I rested heavily against him, gasping for breath. He held me close, one hand moving up to push my hair off my face.

We probably should have talked about things right away. I mean, that would have been the responsible thing to do. Instead, we kissed a bit more, curling up next to each other and falling asleep without so much as another word.

When I woke the next morning, he had already left.

**

Alex

"Morning, Alex!" Lini was unspeakably perky in the morning and I've grown to love her like a sister, but I just couldn't handle shit that morning.

"Don't, okay? Just... Don't. I need some time."

I closed the door behind me as I entered my office. Leaving the light off, I sat at my desk and berated myself. I'd left like the proverbial thief in the night. As if I was ashamed of her. The truth was, I was ashamed of myself. She was... I didn't know what the right word was. Not 'pure'. 'Good', maybe?

She was a hardworking mom, a good person who had helped to raise her brother when no one else stood up. Me? I was the guy getting pep talks by self-help gurus while my son and wife were t-boned and killed by a guy in a truck. I laid there staring at Em for half the night before I couldn't take it anymore. She deserved better than me. It was like I was sullying her bed by lying next to her.

Mike picked up on the first ring.

"Hey, you in the office?"

"Yeah. You free tonight?"

"Not sure. Why, what's up?"

"I need to get to a meeting. Can you..."

"Yup. There's one at First Methodist at 7:00. I'll drive."

"Okay. Mike? Thanks."

"Don't thank me. We're in it together, brother. Just work the program."

Leia's next lesson was the following day and I wasn't sure how things were going to go down. I ran from Em's bed like a coward. There was no way that was going to end well. She deserved better. I knew it and she had to know it. We were done, that was obvious, but I couldn't stop thinking about Jimmy and Leia. He was better than I would have anticipated, much better. That little girl had wormed her way into my heart and I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with things if that was over as well.

Em didn't call or text and my day was hell. My stomach was rumbling as we drove to the church and I felt like I could sleep for days if I could manage to close my eyes for just a few minutes. Mike got me some donuts and a coffee as I sat down and I nibbled a bit. The coffee just brought up some bile that was waiting for an excuse to make its presence known.

I wasn't going to start drinking because of what happened the previous night. That wasn't the issue. The concern was things piling up and me starting to spiral. I wanted to avoid that, so there I was, eating stale donuts and avoiding bad coffee.

We had some time before the meeting started and Mike was talking to a woman next to him who looked like she had just realized that she made a horrendous mistake by choosing that seat.

"Yeah, so who does that? Fucking cookies. Sorry, effing cookies. Fucking Thin Mints, you know? Sweetest little kid and then some degenerate just helps themselves. Well, they're going to get theirs. Don't worry about that. They sell these Exlax cookies things. I took them out and put them in an empty Girl Scouts box. Do-si-dos. Who the hell eats those things? Anyway, I then pulled all the tp from the bathrooms. Happy eating, motherfucker. Am I right?"

She made an excuse to get some tea and sat on the other side of the room when she came back.

"Dude, you gotta let this go. It's just some cookies."

"It's not the cookies, asshole. It's the principle. They thought I been sleeping on it. Didn't want to fess up. Deadline came and went. Good. I got 'em right where I want 'em."

"Yeah, regular James Bond."

"Fuck you. You going up?"

"Yeah."

"Me too."

"Good. Don't talk about the cookies."

When it was time, I got up and walked to the little podium thing they had set up.

"Hi, my name is Alex and I'm an alcoholic. So, I had sort of a rough day..."

After speaking for about five minutes, I made my way back over to my seat. It was cathartic. I spoke about myself, my issues and about Em. Big Mike's surprise was evident when he heard how I fucked things up with her. I expected compassion, what I got was a mixture of anger and frustration flashing across his face.

There was a ritual to the meeting and a sense of community. It was like revisiting something that had put me back together when I thought I was broken beyond repair. There were echoes of that healing for me and parts of me that were frayed began to reattach. For some reason, I was hungry for a really good burger when we finished up. Mike and I stopped on the way back to the office to get my car and had two giant, juicy cheeseburgers. I saw some families there and I thought I'd lose my appetite, but I didn't. I was just consumed with 'what ifs' and 'what might have beens'.