No Way Back?

Her resolve slipped and a sob escaped, her misery and guilt overwhelming her. Scott was moved by the obvious brokenness he saw in the woman that he had loved all his adult life.

"I won't do that," he said. "I don't know what I'm going to do, but I won't do that."

"Thank you," she breathed a prayer. "What do you want to do now, Scott? I mean today?"

"Rest," he said. "I want to rest so God damn bad, but that's very unlikely."

"Why?' Teresa asked. "Go lie down, take a nap, lie on the couch and vegetate."

"That does sound nice," Scott said. "Unfortunately, every time I'm not doing something to keep my mind occupied, all I can think about is this whole fucking nightmare!" His voice rose and she heard his anger for the first time. "I can't sleep; the only time I can eat is when Kristan takes my mind off it."

"Me, too," she said. "I've been too sad and miserable to do anything. Maybe if we turned the television on and just closed our eyes, we could get some rest."

They tried that, Scott reclining in his chair and Teresa curled up on the sofa. Surprisingly, the two exhausted people slept for four straight hours. Scott was awakened by Kristan caressing his forehead. "I'm sorry, Dad," she said. "I'm hungry and we don't have anything. The milk is spoiled and I couldn't eat cereal. I don't think Mom has cooked or eaten anything in days. The bread is molded, so I couldn't make a sandwich."

Teresa stirred and woke up when she heard the low murmur of their voices. "What is it?" she asked. When she learned what the problem was, she sat up and got to her feet, a little unsteady from the nap.

"I'm sorry, baby," she said. "I haven't been staying here and I didn't have the energy to do anything. I've been staying with your grandparents. You want me to call in for pizza?"

Kristan was very satisfied with that idea. Scott got up with a groan and ran down to the grocery store for bread, milk, eggs and some snacks. The pizza deliveryman pulled up when he was going inside and he took the pizza, paid the man and carried everything inside.

They sat at the small table in the kitchen and none of the three had much to say. It was very awkward and, finally, Kristan had enough. "Okay, this is just weird," she said. "Is this what it's going to be like from now on? If it is, can I stay with Grandma?"

Scott had to laugh. "I'm sorry, baby," he said. "No, you can't stay with Grandma and yes, there are going to be some awkward silences."

"Why?" Teresa asked. "We can talk about whatever we want. Life didn't end because I did something horrible. We all still have lives. Scott, you and I both have to go back to work day after tomorrow. Do you think you'll be all right?"

"No, but I'll manage," he said. "Do you think you're just going to sail right on through?"

"No, it's going to be tough," she said. "The worst thing will be that I'll be separated from you. I won't know what you're thinking about and that scares the hell out of me. As long as I can see you, I just feel like, somehow, you aren't seeing a lawyer and getting ready to divorce me."

Kristan's head shot up. "Dad, are you..."

"No, baby, I haven't decided anything." He hastened to reassure her. "You'll be the first to know, I promise."

"I'm good with second," she said. "I think Mom should be the first."

"Yes, you're right," he said. "I meant I'd tell you right away."

"Is there anything I can do to help you make that decision?" Teresa asked.

"Get yourself tested for STDs," he said.

Kristan looked up again. "Don't ask," Teresa said. She grimaced. "Okay, I'll do that. I don't think there's a problem. He's married, Scott. I don't think his wife would appreciate him bringing something home, so he's probably clean. I'll go in the morning."

Scott grunted but made no reply.

"Will that make a difference?" Teresa asked. "Is what I did somehow worse if I have an STD or better if I don't?"

"No, I was just thinking about you," he said. "Now that you mention it, there is something I think you should do."

"I'll do anything," she said. She was eager to do whatever he asked, but his next words were devastating.

"I think you should find 'lawyer guy's' wife and tell her about her husband," he said.

"What," she gasped, "why, Scott? What would that possibly do? Why would you want..."

"I'd want to know," he said. "If the positions were reversed. I'd want to know what my husband was up to at these conventions. Do you imagine that you're the first, Tess? Do you think you'll be the last?"

She hadn't thought about that at all, and had no real interest in finding out. "How could I do that?" she asked.

"You're the computer whiz," he said. "Do you know his name and where he lives?"

"Yes, but..."

"Find him and call his wife," Scott said. "I want to hear your conversation with her."

Teresa bowed her head and closed her eyes. The shame of that call was nearly overwhelming and she hadn't even made it yet. Tears began to trickle down her cheeks. "Okay, if that's what you want, I'll do it tomorrow," she said, miserably.

Kristan was not at all happy with the turn of the conversation. "Okay, well, that was as ugly as anything I've ever heard," she said. "Can we talk about something else, please? I have an idea; why don't we talk about what we're going to do about fixing this? Have you thought about counseling, Dad?"

"Yes, I have," Scott replied. "Are you interested in that, Tess?"

"Yes, very much interested," she said. "Do you want to help me pick someone, or do you want one of us to do it?"

"I guess I could handle that," he said. "I don't think either of us knows any marriage counselors, so one is as good as another. I'll work on that tomorrow."

Kristan beamed. "See, that was good. I'm going up to my room. You two keep thinking like this. Thanks for the pizza."

She bounced away and the uncomfortable silence fell again. Teresa fidgeted around a bit, and then suggested that they go to the living room. Scott followed her, lost in his own ruminations. She took his arm and pulled him down next to her on the couch. He was reluctant to be that close to her, but allowed himself to be persuaded.

"Scott, do you believe I love you?" she asked him.

He looked down at her beautiful face, her eyes reddened from crying and lack of sleep. "Yes, I guess I do," he said. "You wouldn't be here if you didn't. I don't think you love me as much as I thought you did, or as much as I love you, but yes, I guess I know you love me."

His words cut like an icy knife. "You're wrong," she said. "I love you as much as it's possible for one person to love another. I don't know what happened to me. I don't know why I did what I did. I'm going to try to find out. Do you think I'll ever cheat on you again?"

He looked down at her, seeing the pain in those huge brown eyes. "No, I don't," he said. "That doesn't mean much, because I never thought you would to begin with. I think you see what happens when you do and I don't think you want to go through that again. I'm not sure I like the selfishness of that motivation, but I think you know how high the cost would be."

She was shaken by his words, imagining herself in his position. "No, you're right about not ever wanting to go through it again, but I honestly never thought of it that way, Scott. That isn't the worst part for me. The worst part is how ashamed of myself I am and how dirty I feel. It hurts me so badly to know I'm the sort of person who could do something like I did." She looked at him, seeking understanding.

He nodded. "Yes, I can see that."

"Then, I see what I've done to you, how badly I've hurt you and I think all the time about how you must be feeling. I think about Kristan, and all the pain I caused her. If possible, that hurts the most. God, Scott, our baby!" She had to stop for a minute. "I almost couldn't face her. I felt so ashamed and so filthy, but I can't live without her, so I had to do it. I'm not sure I can live without you; I'm nearly certain I can't live without you and her."

"Well, you feel a bit of my dilemma," he said, "I'm trying to decide if I can live without you. To tell you the truth, Tess, I wish I could. That would be the easiest thing, just to move on. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about Kristan."

She drew a deep shuddering breath. "No, you don't," she agreed. "I know it would be easy to just throw me away."

"No, you don't know that, because it isn't true," he said. "Damn it, Tess, we've been together since we were 17. How can you possibly think that?"

"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean it like that. I should have said that's probably what you would want to do. I'm praying that you don't, but I know it could happen. Scott, I'm exhausted. I can't think, I can't concentrate and I'm probably going to say the wrong things. Can we talk tomorrow? Let's go to bed, okay? Will you just hold me and maybe we can get some sleep."

They went to bed and Teresa fell asleep immediately in his arms. It was not so easy for Scott. He felt a small sense of revulsion, touching her, and that caused him to wonder if he would ever view her in the same way. He did fall asleep, eventually; exhaustion claiming him, but it was restless and filled with troubled dreams.

They both slept until nearly 10 the next morning, and Scott woke up before her. He took a shower and made breakfast. Kristan came down, looking fresh and beautiful. They ate together and heard Teresa in the shower. She came out a few minutes later and joined them, looking much better than the night before. It was Sunday, and Kristan had a softball game that they attended. Her team won and they went out for ice cream afterward, to celebrate. She went home with a friend from the team to spend the afternoon and her parents made an uneasy ride home together.

When they got inside, they began to talk and make plans. "You know at some point, I'm going to want to hear all about what happened, right?" Scott asked.

Teresa shuddered. "I don't want to tell you," she said. "I don't want to hurt you any more."

"Well, I don't want to hurt any more," he said. "I think I need to know. It's going to make a difference in what I decide to do. Did he have a giant cock, or something? What did you do with him? Did you blow him? Did he give you bigger orgasms than you have with me? Are you ever going to be satisfied with me again?"

She listened to his list with growing horror, knowing that some of the answers to those questions were going to be very hard to get over. Should she lie, or would that be just another betrayal? She didn't know what to do.

"Scott, are you sure you need all that information?" she asked. "I'm telling you that I love only you, I've never loved anyone else and I never will. You satisfy me completely and no one has ever made me feel as loved, satisfied and safe as you do. I made... I did something horrible. It's horrible to me, and if you insist on knowing, I'll tell you, but I don't want to cause you any more pain. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I do, but I need to know why you did this," he said.

"Because I'm an idiot!" she said. "There is no 'reason,' Scott. I was stupid, selfish and a mindless bitch. That's the only 'reason.' What other reason could there possibly be? I never dreamed I could have sex with someone I don't love. I didn't know it was possible, but I just lost my mind, became something cruel and evil and I'm so very sorry. I'll spend the rest of my life full of regret for one lousy night. It's something I look back on with horror, Scott, not pleasure. There is no fond exciting memory, just loathing for myself and that jackass. I never want to think about it again, but I have to so I can make sure it doesn't happen again."

Teresa went off to their home office to try to track down Jason Terry. It took her about 20 minutes and sixty dollars to get his home address and telephone number. She sat for a moment, dreading what was coming and went to get Scott. "I'm ready to make that call," she said.

He followed her back into the office and she dialed the number, putting the phone on speaker. Jason answered and Scott quickly silenced Teresa, asking to speak with Mrs. Janet Terry. She answered after a bit and Scott whispered, "You're on."

It was one of the most painful and embarrassing conversations of Teresa's life. The weeping and angry woman on the other end, at first, refused to believe her, then raged at her and finally accepted the story, after the details were revealed. Janet hung up, eventually, and Teresa was shaken and trembling. "Why, Scott?" she asked. "Was that just to punish me?"

"Partly, to make you face the consequences of what you did," he said. "It wasn't just Kristan and me you hurt, it was that woman and her children, if she has any."

"Scott, I have to ask you if there's any hope for me," she said. "If there's no hope for me, for us, I'm not doing this anymore. It's too painful and too hard to go through if you're going to just dump my cheating ass and move on."

"I haven't decided to do that, so there's hope," he said. "I love you, Tess, you know that. I'm incredibly pissed off at you, incredibly hurt by what you did, but it's not as if I can flip some sort of switch and not love the girl I've been with since we were teenagers. We started dating in high school and it's not like breaking up with some person you just met. Jesus, Tess, we have a beautiful amazing daughter together."

"Yes, I know," she said in a low voice. Her head was bowed and she was crying. 'How many tears do I have,' she thought to herself. 'How many more to shed?'

The tears were just beginning for Jason Terry. Before the day was over, he was in a motel, Janet had spoken to an attorney and he was unemployed. Irregularities in his billable hours meant that he was likely to face fraud charges and almost certain to be disbarred.

Teresa made an appointment to see a marriage counselor on Monday, and that Friday saw them at her office. Her name was Nancy Kincaid and she lasted for three sessions. During the third session, they were discussing Scott's sense of anger and betrayal and she made the mistake of telling him that few marriages survived without infidelity, often on the part of both spouses, and his expectations for fidelity were unrealistic. He stood up and walked to her desk.

"Thank you for your time," he said. "Your services are no longer required." He turned to Teresa. "You coming?" he asked.

Ms. Kincaid tried to intervene, but they left without another word. They stood on the sidewalk outside the office and Teresa burst into laughter. Scott looked at her as if she'd lost her mind. "What?" he asked.

"The look on her face," she gasped. "'Your services are no longer required!' Jesus, Scott, you blew her mind!"

He chuckled. "Well, she was an asshole," he said. "Who's next?"

She had also been seeing a psychologist on her own. They had many sessions and finally, he asked if they could meet for a session that included Scott. It was very enlightening for both of them. Dr. Roberts introduced himself to Scott and began the session.

"I'm going to speak for a while," he said, "Then you two may ask any questions you might have or make any comments you have to make. Teresa and I have worked through some things I wanted you to know about, Mr. Adams."

"Please, you can call me Scott."

"Thank you, Scott. We've very much uncovered the root of what happened to Teresa in Dallas and we've come to an understanding of what lead to her... falling down. Let me start by saying that your wife is the most beautiful patient I've ever had," Roberts said.

Scott had no idea where that was going, but felt very uncomfortable with that statement. "Well, she is very beautiful," he said.

"That's where the problem started," Roberts said. "Teresa has told me that you lift weights in competitions, Scott. When you walk into an average gym, how do you feel?"

"I don't understand," Scott said. "How do I feel about what?"

"How do you feel about the people who are lifting?"

"Well, I check out how much they have on the bar," Scott said. "I just look at how strong they are."

"Are you stronger than most of them?" Roberts asked.

"Well, yes, but I've been lifting since I was a kid," Scott said.

"I understand. Do you feel like people who are not as strong as you are pose a threat to you?"

"No, I don't guess I do," Scott said.

"Imagine then, that you're smarter than anyone in the room at a science show," Roberts said. "How would that make you feel?"

"About the same way, I guess," Scott replied.

"Right, now imagine that you are a woman, and you're the most beautiful woman that most men have ever seen. You walk into a room of men or women. Imagine how you would feel. This is even more powerful than the feeling of strength or intelligence. Would you feel in control of the situation?"

"Well, I guess I would," Scot said. "Beautiful women attract a lot of attention, but you always get the feeling that they know they're in control."

"I believe that's what happened to Teresa," Roberts said. "She was naïve and vain. She has never been in a situation where she didn't feel as if she was in control. She's always been that most beautiful person in any room."

Scott looked over at his wife. Her eyes were filled with tears of humiliation. "I can see how she would feel like that," he said.

"Now imagine that you have walked into the gym and there is an Olympic weight lifter there. Imagine you are at the science center and Albert Einstein walks in and sits down beside you. You have a presentation to give; you're on the bench press. How do you feel?"

"I suppose I feel pretty out of my league," Scott said.

"That's what happened to Teresa," Roberts said. "She met someone who was more in control than she was. The man was very skilled, someone who represented people Teresa respected and he was more than she was prepared to handle."

"What happens next time?" Scott asked.

"There won't be a next time," Roberts said. "We have strategies in place and she'll never be unprepared again. She now knows that she isn't invincible and she's prepared. She's lived the pain, she knows the price, she's aware of her flaws and she's taken steps to correct them."

The meeting lasted an hour and Scott left feeling more positive than he'd felt in a long time.

The second marriage counselor they tried turned out to be extremely religious and quoted the bible to them for the two sessions they had. The third turned out to be a "free love" hippie type who tried to talk them into swinging, promising that "the lifestyle" would be just what they needed.

Standing outside yet another office, they laughed together. "Jesus, Tess," Scott said, "These people are even more fucked up than we are. Enough of this shit! We'd be better off talking to Mrs. Baker across the street."

"You know, I think you're right, but what are we going to do?" she asked.

"I guess we'll have to work on it on our own," he said.

"I have an idea," she said.

"Well, it can't be any worse that the claptrap we've been getting," he said. "Let's hear it."

"I think I should move back in with Mom and Dad," she said. He began to protest, but she held up her hand. "You know how we fell in love the first time, Scott? We had math class together, I helped you with math and you helped me with chemistry. We went on dates and I found out what a treasure you were. You fell in love with me and the rest is history. Let's enroll in two classes at the University together. I'll help you, you'll help me, we'll go out on dates and see what happens. If we work out, great. If we don't, we'll know I killed any chance for us. We're not having sex, anyway. This won't be any different than when we first met."

"It might be a little difficult explaining this to Kristan," he said.

"Let me tell her," Teresa begged. "I need to show her that I'm fighting. She told me to fight for you, and I don't know what else to do. Let me tell her how I'm fighting, please, Scott."