Nobody's Fault But Mine

"I already started." I said. I just hoped it worked.

"Good," he said as he patted my back and walked me out. "Maybe, that will help her come back to you."

I went to the health club and decided I'd start it out easy by walking on the treadmill. Flora saw me and stopped at my machine.

"How's it going Mr. Randow?" she chirped. She was so bubbly, I wondered if it were an act.

"Good, but please call me Ben."

She looked at my speed and said, "You're taking it easy, huh?"

I nodded slightly embarrassed.

"Good, up it slowly and before you know it, you'll be jogging." She nodded her head towards a man that was my size jogging with sweat pouring from his body. "You need to get some headphones and listen to some music or podcasts or something. It'll help the time go faster."

"Thanks, I'll do that."

She smiled and bounced away. I smiled and ogled her butt as she walked.

I was able to walk for a half-hour, but it took everything I had. My entire body ached, and when I was done, the hot water of the shower felt amazing as I let the flow soak. Even with the pain and soreness, I felt better.

*****

On Wednesday night, I walked into the room for my group alcohol counseling. There were two others waiting and a little older lady at the head of the table.

"You must be Ben?" she asked with a smile.

"Yes, ma'am," I said and sat in the plastic folding chair.

"Just call me Gina."

I nodded and she said, "Ben, why don't you start us off tonight. When someone new comes in, we go around the table and introduce ourselves. Tell us what brings you in."

"Sure. I'm Ben Randow. My wife left me and wanted a divorce because I drink too much. Well, there's other things, but drinking is the root of the problem."

"DUI?" an older Polish man asked.

"No. I didn't drive, but the police picked me up stumbling around on the side of the road. I agreed to do this if he didn't arrest me."

"Lucky." The girl across from me groaned.

"Thanks, Ben," Gina said and nodded to the Polish guy.

"I'm Stanley. I got a DUI after leaving a party. I fell asleep at the wheel at a stop light. Cop pulled up right behind me."

The other person was a young girl. In my high school days, we'd have called her a goth chick, but I didn't know if that was still how to label her. Her all-black clothes and heavy eye makeup was consistent with the goth chicks of my youth.

"I'm Annabel. I got into an accident after smoking weed. I didn't think I was so bad that I couldn't drive, but I sideswiped a garbage dumpster in my apartment complex."

Gina nodded and said, "Today we're going to talk about triggers and how to find things to do to avoid them."

I opened the workbook she gave me and circled all of the things listed that made me want to drink. There were a couple of dozen things listed, and I realized I had a problem when I circled a majority of them. I took a deep breath and hoped the sessions worked.

*****

They say nothing good happens late at night, and that was certainly true in my case. I wanted to drink and struggled to not open a bottle of wine or a can of beer. I fought through it though and was proud of myself when I made it a week.

I lost ten pounds and was happy. I knew it was mostly water weight, but every time I stepped on the scale and saw progress, it made it a better day.

I was sticking to my healthy eating lifestyle, so I purged the house of junk food, canned foods, pasta, and anything else that wasn't healthy. It was replaced by wheat pasta, black beans, canned tuna, and a freezer full of vegetables. Chicken breasts, salmon, and ground turkey replaced the steak and ground beef. I meal prepped and I was killing it.

I went to the health club every morning and Flora kept making a point of saying hello and giving me little tips. I couldn't get a handle on her motivation. I found out she was 31 and not in her 20's as I guessed, but she was way out of my league. I let my confusion go and didn't question her kindness. I chalked it up to her being a good person.

The one thing that wasn't going well was the divorce. I had hoped that my Matlock could get us into counseling, but Cheryl didn't believe I was serious about changing and she pushed back. They tried to say that I was mentally cruel to her and would change the divorce to that reason. If they did that, there was no need to wait for six months of separation.

When I heard that, I knew my marriage was really over. When they said she didn't want to try to save it, I knew I lost her forever. I signed the papers as served and texted her one last time.

"I had hoped you loved me enough once to try to save our marriage. I'm sorry I let you down."

I left the office in a daze and I'm not sure how I made it home.

*****

Two weeks later, I was cleaning my pool in anticipation of visitation with my kids. I was excited and hoped I could start to rebuild a relationship with them. That wasn't to be. I was irritated that they brought their girlfriends over to use the pool. It was supposed to be my time with them, but they sent me a clear message by walking past and giving a cursory hello.

I dropped the leaf catcher where I stood and walked into the house. I sat on my bed upset with myself for what I did to make them hate me so much. How could I have been so blind before? I stopped myself and yelled, "Act like a man!" I'd had enough of being an emotional wreck. It was time to move on.

I washed my face and grabbed my keys. I locked the sliding door to the house from the back and I locked the front door. I had already changed the code on the garage door, so I didn't have to worry about that, and I went to the health club.

I changed into my shorts and shirt, which were fitting looser, and started walking on the treadmill. I was going faster than ever before at 3.5 miles per hour which was a fast walk for me. I had been able to start walking for 45 minutes at 3 mph and felt like I was making real progress. Then I got stupid. I was so angry and frustrated; I pushed the speed up faster and started to jog. Flora saw and flashed me a bright smile from across the room. I stopped concentrating on what I was doing, and I lost my footing.

I fell and it was like a scene from a cartoon. The thud sounded like a cannon blast, echoing through the room as I hit the tread. I slid off the pad, but I didn't go completely off. My upper body stayed on, and my shirt got caught. I got a bit of a tread burn on my stomach before I could roll off and pull my shirt down.

I was mortified and in shock from embarrassment. Before I knew it, Flora was by my side, asking, "Oh, shit! Ben, are you okay?"

I tried to stand, and she stopped me. "Don't get up. Let's make sure you're okay first."

"Damn it, Flora, I'm fine."

I pushed myself up and I was sure to the bystanders I looked like a whale standing on its tail.

"Leave me alone," I shouted and hurried to the locker room as quickly as I could.

I couldn't believe I did something so embarrassing. I was already an idiot and it finally seeped into my new life at the health club. I'd never be able to show my face there again.

I cleaned out the locker I was using and rushed out the door, only to bump into Flora and I almost knocked her to the ground.

"Sorry," I said as I continued away.

"Ben! Wait!" she shouted.

I ignored her and ran to my car. It was a stupid decision for a couple of reasons. First, my ankle hurt and second, she was in way better shape.

"Ben, stop," she shouted as she ran in front of me, "you're going to hurt yourself." She put her small hands on the bulk of my chest.

"Let me go, Flora. I've embarrassed myself enough."

She shook her head. "No chance. You can't let this stop you. You're doing so well; I can see your weight loss."

"I'm a joke, Flora, my life is a fucking joke and now I've messed this up too."

She touched my cheek and said, "Ben, you're not a joke. We all have circumstances we've fucked up, but that doesn't mean we can't make positive changes. Look at you. You've been at this less than a month and look how loosely your shirt fits now. Look how your jawline is starting to come through. Don't give up, please."

"Why do you care so much? Why do you constantly talk to me as if I matter to you? Who the fuck am I but some fat ass that looks at your ass too much?"

She smirked. "You like my ass?"

"I have to go," I groaned. I brushed past her and got into my car. As I pulled away, I watched her in the rearview mirror reach out to me.

*****

I pulled into my driveway, and I saw that my kids were still there. I was surprised at first, but then realized I hadn't been gone for more than an hour. I walked into the house and saw through the window they were having a chicken fight with their girls on their shoulders in the pool.

Normally, I would have told them to cut the horseplay in the pool, but I wasn't motivated to tell them anything. I went to my room and changed clothes. I decided that if my kids weren't going to miss me, I'd head out for some lunch. I had a taste for sushi, and it would be fairly healthy if I ordered a chirashi bowl and controlled my rice intake.

I went to my usual sushi joint and was seated in a back corner. I ordered the chirashi bowl and a San Pellegrino and pulled out my phone. It didn't take long for one of my sons to text me asking me to let them in the house. I guess when one of the girlfriends had to pee, I was worth talking with.

I ignored the text and the ten others to follow until my wife called.

"Yes?" I answered.

"Where are you, Ben? The boys are trying to get into the house."

"I'm having lunch. I didn't realize the boys were at the house. It's all locked up."

"What are you talking about? They said they saw you when they got to your house."

"They saw me?" I asked. "Did they talk to me? Maybe, they were seeing things?"

"What are you talking about? This is your day for visitation."

"Oh," I asked feigning surprise. "You say it's my day for visitation? Why would they bring their girlfriends then?"

"What?" she shrieked.

"Don't pretend like you don't know what's going on. They used my visitation day to have a pool party with their girlfriends. Your children barely acknowledged me when they walked past me. Like I said before, they already lost me. Thanks for divorcing me. I hope you rot in hell."

"Wow, that was harsh," came a voice from in front of me.

I looked up and it was Flora.

"What are you doing here?" I asked dumbly. I should have known choosing a place to eat near the health club was a bad idea. She must have seen my car from the street.

"Having lunch, Silly," she chirped. Then she turned serious. "Are you okay, Ben?"

"Honestly, Flora, I don't think I'll ever be okay again."

She sat down and frowned. "Why are you so negative all the time? You're doing so well."

"Look at me, Flora. I'm Peter fucking Griffin."

She laughed and said, "Do you know what I like?"

I took a sip of my miso soup and shook my head.

"I like animals. They're like little people except furry." She laughed and I was lost. What was she talking about?

"Oh, my God! Ben, it's from Family Guy. You called yourself Peter Griffin and I figured you knew the show."

"Apparently, not as well as you."

She smiled, "Ben, why are you so hard on yourself? You're making all the right life choices and you're going to be fine. You should be happy with your progress."

"Look, Flora. You have no idea what's going on with me."

"Then tell me. Aren't we friends?"

I sighed. "My wife divorced me. My kids hate me. I'm a loser."

She groaned, "You're not a loser." Then she got mad, "Damn it, Ben. What the hell happened to make you hate yourself so much?"

The waiter came over and took her order. She ordered enough food to feed a high school football team.

"Don't you worry about the excess carbs?" I asked, cringing at the amount of rice that was coming.

"Yeah, but this is a special occasion."

"Oh? What's that?" I asked.

"Our first date."

I spit my water out and said, "What?"

"Oh, come on, Ben. I've been flirting with you pretty hard since the first time I met you. Are you blind or something?"

I shook my head. "No. I just couldn't figure out what was happening. I just thought you were being nice."

She laughed. "No, dummy. I like you."

"Why? What the hell do you see in me?"

She took a deep breath and said, "I knew the first time I met you that you and I were meant to be together."

I laughed and said, "How in the hell did you figure that?"

The waiter came and put her rolls and nigiri on the table.

"You're going to laugh, but you look like my brother John. You look exactly like him and even have the same personality."

I snickered, "Flora, I'm more than ten years older than you."

She nodded. "John would have been 45 this year."

"Would have been?"

She nodded. "He's why I work at the health club. I was a CPA, but I quit. I'm working towards my personal training and nutritionist certifications now."

"I don't understand?"

"John died last year," she said as a tear fell down her cheek.

"I'm sorry."

She shook her head, "He did it to himself."

"How?" I asked, afraid of the answer.

"He had a heart attack. He ignored everyone warning him to get healthier, including his doctors. I vowed I would help people get healthy for the rest of my life."

I shook my head. "I see. I'm the fatty that you're going use to soothe your broken heart."

I wasn't prepared for the smack that burned my cheek.

"Don't you ever talk about yourself that way again," she shrieked.

Our waiter walked over and said, "Is everything okay?"

"No," she snapped. "My date doesn't have a refill of his water."

I wanted to laugh as he rushed away, but I was so shocked at what was happening, I had no idea what was actually happening.

"Ben, I made you my personal project, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you that. I'm not a trainer yet, and I didn't want to get in trouble, but I'm so desperate to help you, it hits me in the soul."

"Why? I'm not..."

"You are, Ben. You are special."

"So, I remind you of your brother. That's no reason to help me."

She paled, but said, "Ben, just let me help you. You won't regret it."

"Look, Flora. I'm still married for a few more months and to be brutally honest--I still love my wife, even if she doesn't love me anymore. I'm not looking to start dating anyone. I'm flattered though."

She took my hand and said, "I can wait until you're ready. Please, let me help you get healthy in the meantime."

I reluctantly agreed. It wouldn't hurt to take advantage of free personal training, but I didn't think a relationship between us would ever work. She was younger, too attractive, and the worst part was she only liked me because I looked like her brother. That creeped me out.

*****

I pulled into my driveway and saw that my kids were still at my house. I hoped they didn't pee in the pool.

I went through the house and opened the sliding door leading to the deck.

"It's about time!" Liam shouted as he and his girlfriend ran past me into the house.

I looked at Pete and his girlfriend and said, "Get your stuff and head out. You've lost your pool privileges."

"Come on, Dad!" he whined. "Don't be a dick."

"You think I'm being a dick?"

"Yeah! You can't..."

"Stop. Go to your car and grab the plastic folder in the glove box. It's red and has the State Farm logo on it."

"Why?"

"Because I said so, damn it. Get it now."

I shook my head as he grumbled away. The boys shared my old car. They didn't like that, but I didn't care. Until they had jobs, they didn't get to have their own cars. It was one thing that Cheryl and I agreed on.

Pete walked up and handed me the small folder. I pulled out the registration card and handed it to him.

"Whose name is on there?" I asked.

"Yours."

"Anyone else's?"

"No," he answered, and then the light bulb went off. "You can't take the car away."

"Continue to disrespect me and I take the car back and sell it. Do you understand?"

"Fine," he groaned. "Come on, Kim. Let's go."

His girlfriend didn't say anything but if looks could kill, I'd have been dead.

"Hey!" I shouted as he walked away. "Call me a dick again, and I'll have a belt on your butt so long, you won't sit for a week."

"Whatever," he sighed at my empty threat. I realized I was going to have challenges with him.

Liam and his girlfriend walked out, and I said, "Pack up and go. You lost your pool privileges."

He laughed at me. He said, "Whatever. If that's the case, you lost your son privileges."

I smirked and said, "You'll regret that." He laughed again and I shook my head as he walked away.

*****

I looked at the divorce papers and got Cheryl's address. I ordered an UBER and headed over. I knew it was going to be an issue, but I couldn't let them think they could talk to me like that, let alone how they treated my visitation day. I didn't expect to get away without an argument, but I never expected what happened.

The UBER driver dropped me off and I had to walk through the large parking lot to look for the car. As I did, I texted Cheryl that I was taking the car and why. You'd have thought I kicked a beehive. In seconds, I had three angry people running through the parking lot towards me screaming obscenities. I couldn't believe the language they used.

Cheryl actually pushed me and started yelling at me. She bitched; I couldn't do that. I was overreacting. They were sorry. Don't take the divorce out on them. Blah, blah, blah.

I ignored their yelling and found the car. As I was opening the door with my spare key, a police officer pulled up. I was told my darling son called 911 and reported me stealing his car.

When the police officer walked up, she looked at my family and recognized it was a domestic situation and eased up. Another cruiser pulled in and that officer started talking to my family.

"Hi, Officer," I said holding my hands in front of me.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"I'm taking my car away from my ungrateful children."

She nodded. "Do you have the registration, and can I see your license?"

"Sure. I have to get the registration from the glove box, okay?"

"Go ahead."

I looked at my wife and kids animatedly telling the officer how much of an asshole I was. I wondered if he had kids and would understand why I was doing what I was doing.

I gave the officer my papers and she verified them and handed them back.

"Better head out before more trouble brews. We'll give your son a lecture for false reporting, but he won't be in any trouble."

"Thanks, Officer. He's a good kid."

She smiled and said, "I'm sure. Kids will be kids, right?" We laughed.

I could hear the screaming as I started the car and pulled away. I felt bad for the police officers having to listen to their tirades.

I was halfway home before my phone rang. "Yes, dear?"

"You son of a bitch!" Cheryl screamed. "I'm going to..."

"Cheryl, shut up for a minute." Surprisingly, she did, and I continued, "Until they start respecting me and treating me like their father, they don't get the car. Pete called me a dick, and Liam told me I lost my son privileges. I'm not going to put up with that."

"I should have been consulted first," she shouted.

"Nope. It was my car not yours. You let them think they could have a pool party instead of visiting with me, and that's not acceptable either. If we have a couple nice visitations, we can revisit this conversation. Bye."

I ended the call and turned my phone off. She never even mentioned my weight loss. Bitch.

*****

The next morning, I went out to breakfast. I had a veggie omelet made with egg whites and no cheese. With hot sauce slathered on it I had to admit it was good. It was tough eating out because I couldn't measure portions. I could eat the two pieces of wheat toast and that was fine, but I had no idea how many egg whites were in the omelet or how much of the hash browns were one cup. I had to learn how to estimate.