All Comments on 'Not all Eyes are Private'

5* -- liked it a lot. Not ground breaking but unique, not perfect prose but readable.

A 410 slug may sound badass, but coming out of a pistol, the 45LC beats it by a longshot.

I agree, not sure the right category; more like loving family than loving wives. But you know what i actually really liked it. Different, refreshing. Obviously this could have been expanded into a full blown story. Thx Wolf007! 5* from me.

Wolf, not trying to sound like a bummer, but if you are going to use numbers or dates in a story, keep them real even in a fantasy. Alan was 67 when your tale started, and he was 84 when it ended. Angus was 19, then 36 in the end. Jasmine was 17 years younger than Alan when they met (65), but had a son just graduating high school (18).

Jasmine would have been 47 when she had Benji (maybe doable, but highly unlikely).

You could have reduced your ages for Alan and Jasmine by ten years and still made the story doable and a little more believable.

Best of luck on story number three.

Ok, so I’ve now read both your stories. Either English isn’t your native tongue, or you did very poorly in English class in school. You need to invest in a grammarly account or find an editor. Your syntax when you write dialogue makes it difficult to parse who said what. Your writing style also assumes the reader has the ability to read your mind and know what you meant, instead of what you wrote. You also tend to leave a lot of information out and jump around too much, but then strangely give too much detail on things that don’t affect the story. Your story concepts are interesting and fresh but your execution needs work. Keep trying, I look forward to your next story.

The story has potential, but you need a proofreader and an editor to help keep you on point. The story is a bit all over the place plot wise and the dates don’t line up at all.

Heavily armed child training ring? Careful, commenters will try to link you to q-anon and a certain film.

Wolf007 as you can see in the comments, we all enjoy your stories. We would like to see you continue telling them and become more successful. Right now we believe that your biggest obstacles are technical ones such as grammar, punctuation and keeping details consistent. Please don’t become stubborn and prideful or adversarial. We are on your side. Cheers

First, not clear how this qualifies for the "Loving Wives" category. You are more likely to get positive ratings if readers have the type of story that remotely resembles the category they are looking at. Second, and this is a big tip, interesting stories are driven by conflict. This reads more like a documentary of Angus' life. Not really much conflict here. And no, having a gun battle that Angus breezes through is not the type of conflict I am talking about. Think of a situation where a conflict exists, and then your characters address it. You may want to read up on story writing as having conflict in a story is pretty much the most basic thing for any story.

There’s a really good story in there, if you can learn to tell it.

Is that all? It seems like it’s building up to something more.

I enjoyed your story and over looked some minor typos. The story was very well written and the character build up ok. You should have had a few more paragraphs developing the characters but over all all a good story. People forget that is not just a CHUCK or BTB site it is called Loving Wives so don't listen to all the na sayers. you could also have put this story in the Romance section but it is always the authors decision where they want the story. keep producing stories and i will be interested in seeing how you improve with each story... 4 stars....

Wrong category. While some below are questioning it, I'll flat out tell you. For one thing, neither of the main characters had wives for all but the last two sentences. The mother's story might have qualified, if that was the story you were telling. Instead, she was just a throw-away character.

I agree with the comment below that there was no real conflict or setbacks. This was just a wish fulfillment fantasy with instant gratification.

You mostly told a cohesive story, despite the above issues with it, so I encourage you to keep trying.

Disjointed, but an enjoyable read. Not even close to an LW though. I also get the feeling that perhaps it may be a set up story? With the mention of the past life Alan lived? Sadly with such a late intro at the wedding of a new character, that after finishing the story and appreciating he try at a happy ending the first thought that went through my head was; who the f*ck is Emily? I mean his family didn't rate a name then a named character is just dropped in at the end? I skimmed back to see if I had missed her in the story, it distracted from an already fractured read. Please don't take it as criticism but future stories will be more cohesive due to comments posted. Hemingway and Steinbeck weren't overnight sensations either. Keep polishing your craft.

Cheers;

U.B.

Did you ever hear of “a run on sentence”? Punctuation? Huh? You have some real talent, but English composition isn’t one of them. Take a quick course on it and your stories will be much easier, and pleasant, to read. All in all., nice story but much left unsaid (skipped too much calendar time within the tale). I liked it, but seems much was left out.

I enjoyed the premise of the story, but for me there was a lot of gaps that would have been great to fill. There was positioning of how his family acted, but more details could have filled this story out nicely.

I have to ask though, the LW category, this felt a little more like a non-erotic, there wasn’t a woman running around on the MC and the love interest didn’t turn up until the end.

Don’t sweat the comments, this is only your second story, take the good feedback and the bad and work your plots with a little more detail and I think you will have some great stories.

Thank you for putting the effort into writing and having a go.

John Other

Nice idea but terrible execution. Read like a random list of unpunctuated notes for a play.

A note about ballistics since this comes up over and over. A 410-slug fired from a shotgun of ordinary length does have more energy than a 45LC fired from The Judge. However, the 45LC has more energy than a 410 slug also fired from The Judge, which is a pistol. If you are carrying The Judge and you want maximum impact, then load it with 45LC. Plus, the 45LC is more accurate. Load The Judge with #4 buckshot for a point defense weapon: if someone is coming at you, aim at the face or throat. Or load it with #8 bird shot for a great snake gun.

The same common problem: good ideas but expressed with an awful writing style. Difficult and annoying to follow the tale, this way. A good editing revision will make these tales much better.

Love your work MISTER (jaybee186)

You need to pull your stories and find a editor, rewrite them, and resubmit them.

so no one was married cheating or even having sex so why is this in LW?

Interesting, confusing as hell but, interesting.