Not in That Way Ch. 08

"For our sake, I'm going to keep trying with her."

Gabe adds, "And if things ever get tough, you call me, ok?"

Angelo nods, "Thank you for that."

We chat and eat for a bit and it's nice. Now that the tension is broken, we realize that Angelo's just as sarcastic as his cousin, though he falls too easily for his jokes. He tells us that he's graduating in a few months and how he's looking at schools around here- probably for the same reasons that Gabe and I did. Gabe is quick to offer him whatever help he needs and I get a sense of hope that maybe the connection to his dad's side of the family hasn't been severed entirely. All of this is nice, but eventually I get a feeling that there's more that both of them need to talk about, and as much as I love Gabe and want to be there for him, there are just some conversations I shouldn't be a part of.

I make an excuse that I have to rush home for something, and Gabe gives me a look that tells me he knows it's bullshit, but doesn't come clean. I'm sure there's things he's a bit too embarrassed to ask his estranged cousin in front of me. I say my goodbyes and Angelo makes it a point to get to his feet and give me a hug. I hope it works out with his mom, and even more than that, I hope that he and Gabe can be there for each other.

***

An hour and a half later, I hear Gabe coming through the front door of his place. I came over right after leaving the restaurant, feeling like he'd want someone to talk to after that meet-up. He smiles wide when she sees me- something I'll probably never get over- and slumps down on the couch with a long sigh.

"How was it?"

"Draining" he admits, "but really nice." He takes off his jacket and tosses it aside, "Angelo's a good kid that just needs some guidance. I really am the only gay relative he has."

I cozy up next to him, "You know, it takes a lot of balls to message a cousin you barely know and ask for advice."

Gabe nods, "Damn right it does." He reaches and takes a sip of my water, "I told him to give me a call or come visit if it ever feels like things are too much to handle."

"It's nice that you can be there for him despite everything."

He slings an arm around me, "Well you were there for me. You always have been."

***

It's been a few days since homecoming and I can feel that there's something up with Gabe. He's the kind of guy who can absolutely talk your ear off and always finds something to say. He admits that he hates when conversations just die- and so he always manages to find some way to derail it and bring us on a new tangent.

This time he's quiet, and a quiet Gabe worries me more than most anything else.

We had such a good night at homecoming, after he managed to salvage what could have been an emotionally trying time. Sure, by the time I got home, the reality of Michael being a fucking dick set in and I let myself be emotional about that. But that night, Gabe really came through and gave me a much needed distraction.

He hasn't texted much since then, and when I try to reach out, I get one word replies. It isn't like him and I start to worry that something's wrong.

I head over to one of our favorite boba shops and am pleasantly met with the cashier who says, "Just you? Where's your friend?"

I chuckle, not able to deny how much time we spend together. "He's sick, so I'm actually bringing it to him."

The server asks, "The usual?"

I nod and pull out the cash, suddenly aware of how often we come here. Ten minutes later, I walk out with two drinks in hand: one jasmine milk tea half sweet with boba and another one of the same without the pearls. There's also a steaming bag of popcorn chicken that's warming my hands as I walk to my car.

Less than ten minutes later and I'm parked outside Gabe's house. The driveway is empty, apart from his blue car that's parked on the curb, telling me that he's alone. "Good" i think to myself, thankful I don't have to talk to his parents. Checking in on your unresponsive friend is awkward enough without having to deal with them.

I knock on the door and, after a few minutes, Gabe finally answers the door dressed in sweat pants and looking like he just rolled out of bed. He looks like shit, if I'm being honest, which is a departure from his normally collected and put-together self.

"Dust?" He asks, managing to get some color out of his tired eyes. "Wha-what are you doing here?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "I hadn't really heard from you and you've kinda been dodging me, so i wanted to check up on you."

He looks happy and sad at the same time as he pulls me in for a hug. He's holding onto me so tight that I get the wind knocked out of me. I feel his heat on me, almost like his body is desperate to transfer it to someone else.

"I haven't been in a good place, Dust. That's why I stayed away."

I rub into him and try to change the mood, hoping my upbeat voice can try to cheer him up. I've never seen Gabe like this and I don't know what to do. "Hey, it's okay. Just tell me what's up and we can talk through it."

He pulls off and leads me into his house. It feels empty- almost like Gabe is the only person brave enough to be here. I sit down on his couch and place the food on the coffee table in front of me. Gabe bypasses his usual chair and sits right next to me, pressing his knee against mine.

"Parents aren't home?' I ask, feeling the awkward silence in the air.

Gabe shakes his head, "No." He sighs, "They're meeting with a lawyer right now."

"A lawyer?"

He nods, "Yeah. They've decided to get divorced."

"Shit" I say involuntarily. "Shit Gabe I'm so sorry." I shake my head and how guilty I feel for freaking out about him not responding. "Fuck how are you taking this?"

He hands his head between his hands, "Not good. Things were fine last week and then my dad suddenly wants to leave."

He sighs and I can hear how soft his voice has become. "It's all my fault, Dust."

"Gabe, it's between him and your mom. It's not your fault."

He opens his mouth like he wants to say something, but closes it quickly. Instead he presses his face into my chest and I wrap my arms around him as he softly cries.

There's more that he wants to tell me, but doesn't for some reason. But I can't blame him. This is probably one of the hardest things he's had to deal with, and opening up to someone, even me, can't be easy.

"Please don't ever leave me, Dust." He begs in between the tears, "Please."

I rub his back and try to comfort him, "I promise I won't leave."

***

A few weeks pass and the more time that Gabe and I spend together, the clearer it is that we should have done this a long time ago. I don't know if it's him knowing my past and all the baggage I've dragged into every relationship, but he doesn't fall to the same gripes that I've had with guys I've been with. He's not insecure like Tom and he doesn't have the same arrogance of my ex before that. Sure, he has his faults, but he's open with me to the point where we can talk about what's wrong versus playing a game of hide and seek- which we're ironically both experts at. Maybe he's listened and actively works to not fall to their mistakes.

Or maybe he's just Gabe, and a part of my subconscious has been holding out for him all this time.

One day, in the middle of the night, I woke to the sound of Gabe sobbing. At first it was soft but when I turned, I saw him thrashing in bed as he got louder. At that point, I didn't really know what to do. I don't know if it's wise to try and wake him up but I couldn't stand to see him like that. I carefully tried to calm him down as he finally woke up. He stopped when he saw me, clearly disoriented and confused as to what happened.

I turned on the bedside lamp and I leaned into Gabe as he sat near the foot of the bed, holding onto his legs as he faced away from me. He's clearly embarrassed but I drape my arm around him and press my heat into his body until his position becomes less defensive.

"Were you having a nightmare or something?"

He nodded, "I think so, but it felt so real."

I pause, "Do you want to talk to me about it?"

I caught him opening his mouth, almost as if he'd loaded the word no as ammunition and had taken the first shot. But he fires a blank. It's as if he's learning to let me in.

"It's always the same thing: I'm back in the living room of my old house and my dad's there yelling at me." He pauses, "Except I can't hear anything. I can't even really make out his face. I just know that it's him and that the sound of my heartbeat becomes deafening. And then I typically wake up to the sound of him slamming the door upstairs."

I process what he's telling me, but I'm no psychologist. I can't begin to try and analyze his dreams and point him towards the direction of healing.

"How long has this been going on?"

He looks at me, ashamed, "On and off since he left."

I pull him closer, "How could I have not noticed this? Fuck you've been dealing with this for so long."

He just shrugs, "We've never slept together like this." He gives me a frown, "And it's not something I'd volunteer- especially since you didn't really know why my dad took off."

I sigh, feeling pretty shitty that he's been going through this for so long with me knowing. "I just don't know what I can say to help you." I admit.

Gabe reaches for my hand, "You are helping, Dust." He shakes his head, "It's just that these past few weeks have been the most I've thought about my dad in years."

I settle on the idea that sometimes the only way out is through.

A few minutes later, he motions us back under the covers and he pulls my arm over him as he eases into me. Seconds after, I can hear him softly breathing as I look into the dark room, accepting that sometimes there are burdens we have to carry on our own.

***

One night he mentions that he started seeing a therapist. I try my best not to make a big deal out of it because the last thing I want is to make it seem like he owes me or anyone else an explanation. He's doing it for him, and he came to that conclusion all on his own.

He doesn't tell me much, and out of respect for him, I don't ask. All I really know is that his sessions are at the same clinic he works at, and so, every Tuesday, he gets off a bit later than he usually does. Still, it's not some big secret. He volunteers that he's been talking to her about his dad and being gay. I'm sure I've been discussed too, but surprisingly that doesn't bother me at all. He says that it's helping him cope with a lot of untouched trauma, and so I support him.

We've settled into a nice little routine since we started dating, and I can honestly say that I like how it's going. With Tom, the monotony got to me. He was always the one picking where to eat or reaching for the check or deciding what we'd do on the weekends, and for a while, I kinda let him choose for me. With Gabe, because we've been friends for so long, we tend to split every decision we have to make. Sure, sometimes we argue over stupid shit like Chinese versus Thai for dinner, but he has his way sometimes, and I have my way the other times.

It's been almost a month since that first night we were honest with each other, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to ride it out a little longer. Unfortunately reality calls- and in my case, it's in the form of my sister who clearly knows something is up.

Gabe's over at my place scrolling through his phone when mine rings and I see it's Grace. "Oh shit" I say out loud as he looks over to the screen and sees her name.

"You're gonna have to tell her eventually, Dust." He says as he rolls his eyes.

"I know and I will, but I kinda like the fact that I've been able to keep you to myself these past few weeks."

He nods, knowing it's the same for him. Still, I can't avoid her for much longer.

I answer and immediately she says, "So you've been quiet."

"I haven't" I say, trying to brush it off.

"Then why has it been three weeks since I last heard from you? Shit the last time we talked, I had dropped the girls off with you." She pauses, "Is it Gabe? Is everything okay with you guys?"

I look over at Gabe as he goes through the kitchen, making us lunch. "No actually. Everything with Gabe's been really good." I say, hoping I'm not giving anything away.

"Good- so then he can come next week." She says before pausing, "You know, to Mikey's birthday party. Don't tell me you forgot about your only nephew's first birthday."

I sigh loudly at her incessant nagging, "You know I didn't forget Grace, we'll be there"

She laughs, "You better be. Mom's rented one of those bouncy castle things for the kids and Andy's already planning out everything he wants to grill that day. Oh and I invited Gabe's mom too."

Suddenly everything feels real and we're not in this honeymoon fantasy anymore. Gabe and I aren't some secret that we can keep from the world, and there's no way we can try to play it cool next week. It's not until Gabe comes back to the table and hands me a plate with a sandwich and some chips, along with a cute little kiss on my cheek, that I realize I have no reason to be worried.

"So Grace just invited us to Mikey's first birthday party next week."

He chews his bite of food, "Jesus, has it really been a year?!"

I nod, "Yup, it has." I pause, "She also invited your mom and my parents will be there of course and so..."

"So we'll have a quickie in the target parking lot down the street and then pretend that we're just friends for the party?" He says with a wink.

I chuckle, "I wanna tell them there." I say for the first time with confidence, "Some things are just too good to keep to ourselves."

He kisses me softly, "You know, she's gonna kill you when you tell her how long you kept it a secret."

I raise my eyebrow, "I'm just gonna say it was your idea."

Gabe clutches the loose fabric over his heart, "You're gonna throw your kind and extremely handsome boyfriend under the bus with your sister?" He asks, getting in my face.

I peer my eyes, "Not even those puppy dog eyes can save you from Grace." I say, "no pun intended."

Gabe breaks and lets out a roaring laugh as he reaches for his iced tea. Looks like some secrets can't stay hidden forever.

Later that night we're cuddling on the couch, half watching TV, when Gabe brings up something out of nowhere.

"Do you think you'd ever want to move out of the city? Maybe back down to the South Bay?"

In all the time we've been friends, Gabe's made it very clear that he has no plans of moving back home. The only reason he goes back these days are for his mom and my family- but this is the first time he's ever talked about our hometown with anything but disdain.

"I didn't think you'd ever want to move back there."

He shrugs, "I didn't either. But I think it could be nice." He turns to me, "Our parents are getting older and it'd give me some peace of mind knowing I'm near my mom if anything happens." He chuckles, "We'd be closer to Grace, Andy and the kids. Heck we can even watch them grow up instead of popping in every few weeks."

"I guess I never really gave it much thought." I admitted. In college, I was so set on trying to forge my own path that moving back home felt like a step backward, but nowadays, I don't have anything to prove.

"Honestly the way you're talking it does sound really nice to be closer to everyone." I reach for his shoulder, "I just never thought you'd ever want to move back, considering everything."

Gabe sighs and shakes his head, "For the longest time, I was convinced that all I ever needed was you- that I could get through college because you were there, that I could survive in the city because you were with me." He stops and grabs my hand, "And that will never change, Dust." he says with a squeeze. "But it can't just be you and me versus the world. Not when there's all these great people in our lives."

I nod, thinking about how everything's been put into perspective lately. All I ever thought I needed was Gabe. And now that I actually have him, the last thing I want to do is shut the world out.

"My mom would never ask me, but I know, deep down, she wants me to be closer." He shakes his head, "I think I avoided our hometown because of my dad. But he's been a ghost in that place for almost a decade and it's time I bury those painful memories and build something that will last."

"I think it'll be good for us, and god knows it'll be nice to be around family."

He nods, "And we don't have to rush into it, Dust. We have a sister clinic not too far from Grace's that could use another physical therapist-"

"And I'm working from home most days anyway. I'll only really need to go into the office for big presentations." I say, thinking about it.

"A new chapter would be good for us, Dust. Right now, the city is a reminder that I ran away from my problems." He says vulnerably, "And it keeps bringing up how long I spent scared of being with you."

We hug and I swear I can see him trying not to shed any tears. A new chapter may just be what we need, and I couldn't be more excited.

***

The week passes, and Gabe and I are already on the freeway, driving down to my parents' house for Mikey's birthday. We stopped at a cute little toy store just before leaving the city where Gabe was insistent on buying his own gift, and gloating about how his was way cooler than mine. I pulled the godfather card on him, and that shut him up while we paid.

I continue to drive as we pass by a Target. Gabe nudges me on the side and winks, "We can take the exit and still have that quickie we talked about."

I laugh but the thought of it is enough to make my dick start to stir. "We just had sex before we left my apartment!" I say as he flashes a wicked grin.

His voice drops, "And just thinking about you taking my load is getting me hard again."

I shake my head, "We're going to my nephew's first birthday party and will be surrounded by my older sister, my parents, your mom and dozens of friends and their children."

He pauses for a second, "So quickie in the Target parking lot after the party?"

I give him the laugh that he was after as he reaches for the knob on the radio to make it louder. When he does, I realize that "Not In That Way" by Sam Smith is playing and I physically cringe, I reach over to change the song on the screen but he stops me.

"Please change it, I fucking hate this song." I say with a look of disgust.

He looks at me weird, "But you love Sam Smith. Back in college you made us go to Outside Lands and stand around for hours just so we could be next to the stage when he finally came on!"

"I know, but it's just this song in particular." Gabe's still looking at me confused when I sigh "It's kinda always reminded me of us and how things used to be." I admit.

Just then, the chorus comes on and Gabe's able to listen to the words with a bit more context. I watch from the corner of my eye as he takes in every lyric like a snowball to the face- it's cold and painful and by the end of it, he seems numb.

"Fuck" he says, as it ends. "I guess I never really paid attention to what he was saying- it just sounded nice."

I nod, thinking back to the first time I really listened to it and felt that pain. He reaches over and places his hand on my thigh as he quickly picks up his phone and scrolls.

"I think we need another song to remind us of the other." He says.

Just then I hear the piano start to play of a song I hadn't heard in years.

"Latch?" I ask, recognizing it.

Gabe nods, "Yeah, but not the upbeat EDM one. This version is way better."

I listen as the first verse starts and can even hear Gabe faintly singing beside me. He never sings, at least not seriously. But this time we're not at some karaoke dive bar with his intentionally bad version of a top forty song.