Not Tonight, Dear

Here's a quickie just for fun. No sex, no violence, no car chase, no gun fight, a little mischief. (I set out to do it in 750 words but couldn't. I have newfound respect for those who can.)

***

"I've invited a friend over for dinner tonight," Ellen, my wife of 19 years, told me at breakfast. "I met him at the gym, and I'll be spending a lot of time with him, so I want you to meet him. I don't want any secrets between us."

"Will you be working out together?" I asked, innocently

"Well, in a manner of speaking. I expect it will be very physical."

"It almost sounds like you are suggesting you want to have sex with this fellow. Really?"

"Well, yes," she said. "I have discovered that no matter how much I love you, and no matter how good you are to me, and you are very good, I simply need more than one man in my life. I have been your loving faithful wife for 18 years, but lately I've been feeling an emptiness. Then I met Brian, and he filled me up. I have found that he is my other soulmate."

I ignored the obvious double entendre. "Wow, I didn't know one could have more than one soul mate. Does that mean I'm not?"

"No, silly. You were my first and will always be my main soul mate. I just need more. I'm trying to be upfront about this, and I hope you will be polite to him. After all, it is for your sake that I've invited him. I hope you will find him to be as wonderful as I do, and that you can be friends, so I won't have to sneak around"

I couldn't think of an appropriate response to that. I really tried, but I just couldn't. As far as I knew, she had never had any affairs before. I quietly got up and headed out to work. She looked so self-satisfied, like she had discovered the key to perfect happiness.

I wasn't sure if I would make dinner at home or not. I didn't get much work done that day, but I did finally sort things out in my mind about how to mess with her plans.

I arrived home at the usual time to find wonderful smells of a special dinner coming from the kitchen. Ellen heard me come in and called down from our bedroom, "Dinner is almost ready. I'm getting dressed. Brian should be here any minute. Please make him a drink and make him feel welcome."

"You bet," I called up to her.

Just then Brian walked in the door. I was surprised he didn't knock or ring the doorbell - he just walked in as if it was his house. "Hi Bill, I'm Brian," he said, smugly reaching out to shake my hand. "Thank you for sharing Ellen with me."

I ignored his hand, and looked him up and down. He was young, fit and reasonably good looking, but nothing extraordinary. "Ellen will be right down. She asked me to offer you a drink."

"Scotch, neat, would be good. I was glad to find you also enjoy a good single malt."

So, he had been here before, not only sampling my wife but also my booze.

"Well then, you know where it is, you can help yourself, then come sit with me and we can get acquainted." I replied. he walked straight to the liquor cabinet, chose a bottle of the good stuff, and poured himself a generous tumblerfull.

"Ellen says you met at the gym," I ventured as he sat down. I had claimed my favorite chair, or I had no doubt he'd have taken it. "Did she seduce you right away, or did she play it cool for a while before reeling you in?"

He looked confused. "Oh, we had coffee a couple of times and discovered that we had a real connection," he said. "And then one thing led to another."

"I'm really surprised. When she told me she had invited one of her fuck-buddies to dinner I expected it to be Kevin. Having you here is really unexpected."

"Kevin? No, I'm Brian."

"Yes, I got that. Maybe Kevin was put off by her giving him the clap. I saw him at the doctor's office last week and he seemed pretty upset."

Brian looked really confused. He took a big swallow of his Scotch. Just then Ellen swept down the stairs. She was dressed to kill in a little red dress. Her hair was done up, and her make-up was perfect. She had even broken out some of the good jewelry.

"You two have met, I see," she said, beaming. She actually did look like the cat that ate the canary.

"Yes, I was just telling Brian how I saw Kevin at the doctor's office last week and he was complaining about how you had a given him a social disease," I said, cheerfully, as if it was something quite ordinary in our lives.

"You WHAT?" she sputtered. "What are you talking about? Who is Kevin? I have never given anyone a social disease."

"Oh, come on," I said. "You were being honest telling me about Brian. Haven't you told him about your other conquests? I told him I was surprised it was him tonight and not Kevin. But I guess maybe having the clap caused Kevin to back away. But this arrogant prick just waltzed into my house like he belongs here. Did you actually give him a key?"

"Brian, don't pay any attention to Bill. He is just being playful and pulling your chain," she said, glaring at me. "There isn't any Kevin, there isn't any clap, and there isn't anybody else. Well, besides Bill."

"We don't actually know that to be true, do we?" I said, and then addressed Brian. "Consider this - if my 'loving' wife will go all skank and betray her husband and cheat on him with a dumbass cocksman from the gym, what makes you think she won't lie and cheat on such a casual slice on the side as you? And if she hasn't spread the clap around the town yet, what makes you think it won't happen? After all, a cheating whore is a cheating whore." They both looked at me with wide eyes - his full of surprise, hers full of anger.

"She told me you fill her up. My advice is to use a condom or two when you do it. Goodbye, Bitch. Good luck, Dumbass."

With that I got up from my chair and walked out the front door. I'll send my son (I'm pretty sure he's mine) to collect my things another day. As I went out the door I heard her trying to convince the schmuck that none of what I said was true.

I parked down the street. I saw Brian leave after about five minutes. He was hurrying and he didn't look back. Too bad that wonderful meal went to waste. Ellen will have leftovers for a week. I will miss her cooking.