tagHumor & SatireNude Awakening

Nude Awakening


"He wants us to infiltrate a nudist colony?"

"Yes, Sarah, that's what he said."

"But why, Katie?"

"He said he would explain it all to us. We have a meeting with him after lunch."

"Hey, did you ever see Nudist Colony of the Dead? Wow, those nude zombies scared the living crap out of me!"

"Oh, everything scares you, Sarah. You started screaming when we were watching some movie the other night."

"Katie, that was a porn flick. I wasn't screaming because I was frightened."

Sarah and Katie, journalism majors, had obtained employment at CNBN as interns for the summer. Reverend Seymour Kunt, owner of the company, had hired them despite the fact that they declined his request to interview for the position in the nude.

* * *

The girls arrived promptly for the meeting at 1:00 p.m.

Reverend Kunt began, "We don't require that everyone here at CNBN accept assignments that require nudity. We are all about giving our employees opportunities to . . . uh . . . develop their full potential. The Christian Naked Broadcasting Network is going to present you two lovely young ladies with a wonderful opportunity." Sarah and Katie looked bored already. "And I might add that you will be paid triple your current salary." He suddenly had the full attention of the girls.

"Who do we have to sleep with?" Katie asked seriously.

"That is entirely up to you, young lady," he replied sternly. "But remember what happened to Eve when she had sex with Satan, according to the second chapter of Genesis. Her guilt was so great that she no longer frolicked in the Garden of Eden in the nude."

"Eve had sex with Satan?" Katie blurted incredulously.

Seymour Kunt pulled his Bible from the bookcase and read Genesis 2:25. "And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed."

"I'm not ashamed of being naked," Sarah asserted when he paused, "I'm just not sure I want to do the weather forecast in the nude like you asked me to."

"Well, I want the weather to be more popular than the sports, you know. Our country has made sports figures idols. God doesn't like that. You may recall the second of the ten commandments."

"Of course I know The Ten Commandments. Who hasn't seen that movie. I guess what concerned me the most is that you wanted me to use words like 'blow job' and 'titty twister' instead of 'hurricane' and 'tornado.' I mean, thousands of viewers would see and hear me. Maybe somebody I know, who would tell my parents. Geez, they keep threatening to cut me off with paying for college and stuff. They hate my boyfriends, for one thing."

"Sarah, your last boyfriend was an ex-convict," Katie reported sarcastically.

"Hey now, Katie, he paid his debt to society and he did became a born-again Christian in prison. God forgave him for stealing those expensive cars from rich people, didn't he, Reverend Kunt?"

"Sure God did, Sarah. In fact, your ex-convict boyfriend did those rich people a good deed in terms of their eternal destiny."

"How's that?" Sarah inquired.

"Matthew 19:24: 'It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.' The only one God will never forgive is Satan, due to the serpent's seduction and impregnation of Eve. Not that it was necessarily all his fault. I mean, she was naked, and it takes two to do the horizontal tango, if you get my drift."

Reverend Kunt went on to tell the story of Satan's seduction of Eve. Sarah was speechless at the end of his dissertation, but not Katie.

"What does that have to do with our assignment, Reverend Kunt?" Katie asked.

Reverend Kunt contemplated the question for a few moments. "A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible but when deflated, it read WY. After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's special emblem of devotion. Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two frozen mixed drinks. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender had WY tattooed on his penis. 'Hey,' Jack said with a smile, 'what a coincidence, your girlfriend must also be named Wendy.' The bartender replied, 'Oh no, mon, mine say WELCOME TO JAMAICA AND PLEASE ENJOY YOUR STAY.'"

"What does that have to do with our assignment, Reverend Kunt?" Katie asked.

"The individual you are to find in the nudist colony has a tattoo on his penis," he replied matter-of-factly."

"Oh, I've seen penis tattoos before," Katie said. "This one dude I met at a biker rally had his package done up like a dragon. The underside of his dick and his balls were a big mouth with huge teeth."

"Yeah, and I bet you seduced the serpent, instead of vice versa, like Satan and Eve," Sarah snapped.

"What does this dude with the penis tattoo look like?" Katie questioned, ignoring Sarah's bitchy comment.

"Now that's an interesting question, young lady. Complicating your recognition of this individual is the fact that masks are worn at this particular nudist colony, for reasons of anonymity."

"Well, what does his penis tattoo look like then?" Katie inquired further.

"He has the mark of the beast tattooed on his penis. You know, 666."

"That might be hard to notice, unless you get real close," Sarah said, looking puzzled.

"Very true," Reverend Kunt agreed. Now are you girls up for the assignment? I'll give you two weeks salary in advance."

He reached in his desk drawer, pulled out a stack of fifties, counted it, and separated it into two piles. The girls grabbed the money.

"Let's go shopping at the mall!" Katie exclaimed gleefully.

"Young ladies, you don't need new clothes where you're going!" Reverend Kunt chastised. "Now get naked for me. I want to give you some tips on how to act at a nudist colony."

Sarah and Katie shed their clothing, which took a little longer than usual because they refused to let go of the money.

"Holy shit 'er I mean smoke!" the reverend exclaimed, staring at the two voluptuous bodies. "You're not supposed to stare at the nudist colony, but in the case of you two, it will be extremely difficult for anyone other than gay males to avoid feasting their eyes on your . . . ahem . . . attributes. Let's just hope that the Antichrist is just as impressed with your nakedness as I am, and as Satan was with Eve's."

"I'm just glad we'll be wearing masks!" Sarah blurted.

"Here are the directions to Bare Lake Nudie Camp, girls. Just check in with the director when you arrive. I talked to him so he is expecting you. Incidentally, it won't cost anything for your accommodations, including food and booze. The camp is having an open house for attractive young ladies in their twenties to celebrate Nude Day."

"Reverend Kunt, can you give us some other clue as to how we can find this dude with the mark of the beast on his penis?" Katie requested.

"He says he is the Antichrist. Of course, we need to find out whether or not he really is. Can you imagine how we'd jack up the ratings of the Christian Naked Broadcasting Network if we did interviews with the Antichrist? Why, we'd get more coverage than baseball players on steroids."

"If this Antichrist is such a seducer, as Satan was, what if he knocks us up?" Katie questioned, looking terrified. "We'd have Rosemary's Baby or some such thing!"

Reverend Kunt reached in his desk drawer again. "Here are some condoms. They have the Christian Naked Broadcasting Network logo on them."

* * *

"There's the exit sign for the camp, Katie."

Katie slowed down. "What does that sign say, Sarah? I couldn't read it all."

"Under 'Bare Lake Nudie Camp' it says 'DO NOT STAND BEHIND BUSHES AND MASTURBATE' in big red letters."

They got to the camp and went into the office to talk to the director, Dr. Peter Pecker. He introduced himself and welcomed the girls warmly.

Dr. Pecker kept staring at Sarah's T-shirt, or something in it. "I don't think that your 'I Love Dick' shirt is appropriate attire for this camp, young lady," he chastised.

"It's not a shirt about sex, Dr. Pecker! Shame on you! It's a Steelers shirt. Read the little gold letters." Under "I Love (Heart) Dick" in big black letters, except for the red heart, was the word "LeBeau" in much smaller gold letters. Dick LeBeau is the Pittsburgh Steelers defensive coordinator.

"I don't give a shit about football or the Steelers," Dr. Pecker snapped. "I care about tits and ass. This is a nudist camp, for Crissakes!"

"Oh, sorry," Sarah answered guiltily. "We didn't know exactly when we should get naked."

"Now would be good," Dr. Pecker replied eagerly.

They quickly shed their clothing. Dr. Pecker began to drool.

"Where are our masks?" Sarah asked. "I'm feeling self-conscious already, the way you are staring at me, Dr. Pecker."

"Oh, I'm just fascinated by the fact that you obviously are a natural redhead. And here I thought you got that hair on your head from a bottle. I can't tell whether your friend is a natural blond, though. She doesn't have any hair on her snatch." He took a very close look. "Nope, I just can't tell. Not even any stubble to give me a clue. You have one really smooth poontang, young lady."

"Dr. Pecker, I want my mask!" Katie demanded. "Now you're making me nervous. Why, your nose is so close to my pussy if you out your tongue . . ."

"Okay, okay, here are your masks, girls."

They put them on.

"Hey, these masks don't have any holes for our eyes," Sarah objected. "How are we supposed to see?"

Dr. Pecker quickly brandished his camera and snapped some shots.

"Oh sorry, those are masks for blind people. Here are some you two will like."

"What's up with these Miss Piggy masks?" Katie asked, frowning. "I was hoping for a filigree mask, preferably silver lame with a gold swirl design, organza flowers, rhinestones, and a ribbon-tie back."

Sarah put hers on without complaining, and Katie finally followed suit after bitching some more.

"You're ready to go, girls. We have some special activities planned to celebrate Nude Day. Games and contests and such. You'll see signs all over the complex about them."

The two girls wandered the complex, taking in the vast variety of members (penises). They decided to go for a little jog on a paved path through a wooded area.

"Goddammit!" someone shouted.

"Hey, someone is taking the name of the Lord in vain," Katie concluded. "That could be the one we are looking for, the Antichrist wannabe or whatever."

They decided to investigate and discovered a young man, around twenty they estimated, sitting on a wooden bench muttering and swearing.

"Dude, what's the problem?" Sarah asked. "You're making quite a commotion."

"Oh, I'm sorry," he answered sincerely. "I didn't think anyone else was around."

"You're not the Antichrist, are you?" Katie questioned.

"Oh hell no," he replied, "I'm Catholic."

"So what's the problem, dude?" Sarah asked again. "Did you knock up a nun or something?"

"Oh hell no," he answered. "I use protection, despite what the Pope says."

"Then why are you carrying on so?" Katie questioned belligerently.

"I got a splinter in my penis sitting on this wooden bench. It really hurts!"

"One of the perils of being naked, I guess," Sarah observed.

"Will you girls help me get it out?" he pleaded. "Please?"

Katie looked at Sarah and shrugged her shoulders. "Well, we do work for the Christian Naked Broadcasting Network," she whispered. "I suppose it is the Christian thing to do. You hold it and I'll see if I can get the splinter out."

Sarah took his penis in her right hand. "What's your name, dude? I think I should at least know your name. I feel funny holding a stranger's dick. I mean, it's not like I'm a nurse."

"Richard," he replied.

"So I guess I'll call you Dick," she said with a sweet smile. "Pleased to meet you, Dick. Pleased to meet your meat, too," she joked. Both she and Katie began to giggle.

"Sarah, hold it still!" Katie demanded. "I can't get the splinter out when you're shaking it like that!"

"Oh, sorry. It's just that's usually what I do when I have a dick in my hand—shake it."

Katie worked on the splinter, which was on the underside of Richard's rather large even when flaccid penis about two inches from the corona, for several minutes without much success. "I changed my mind. Shake it, Sarah. If we can make him hard, it will be easier to get the splinter out."

Sarah began to stroke his penis. Soon it became fully erect. "There you go, Katie, I made it nice and hard for you."

"Dang it, I can't seem to pull it out with my fingernails," Katie said dejectedly.

"Try your teeth," Sarah suggested.

"Well, okay. Hold his dick straight up with your fingers around the head." Sarah did. Katie attempted to get the splinter out with her teeth.

Richard began to squirm. "Ahhhh . . . ohhhh . . ." he groaned.

"Dude, quit wiggling!" Katie demanded. "You have to calm him down, Sarah!"

"Yeah, like how? It must really hurt."

"It does really hurt!" Richard agreed.

"Well, what can I do that will make you stay still?" Sarah asked.

"Uh . . . if you put your mouth on the head of my cock, I promise I will."

Sarah did. She closed her lips around his corona.

"I got it!" Katie soon squealed.

Suddenly Richard's body convulsed and he ejaculated spasmodically.

As soon as Sarah tasted cum she pulled her mouth off Richard's dick, pointed it at Katie, and shot her right between the eyes with a big glob of spunk. "Bull's-eye!" she cried.

"Richard, that wasn't very polite, blowing a big load while we were administering medical treatment," Katie complained.

"Like I could help it. Two hot naked babes with their mouths on my dick? I've had a lot of wet dreams just like that."

"At least we can be sure he's not the Antichrist," Sarah concluded. "No tattoo on this penis. See ya, Dick," see said politely as she wagged Richard's limp dick."

"Thank you so much girls, for getting the splinter out and . . ."

"It was the Christian thing to do," Katie replied.

Katie and Sarah returned to the more populated areas of the camp to continue their search for the penis tattooed with the mark of the beast. An announcement blared on the camp's loud speakers: "A hole has been discovered in the fence here at Bare Lake Nudie Camp, and the police are looking into it."

"Let's go check it out, Sarah," Katie suggested. "I wonder how big the hole is."

"Maybe it's a glory hole," Sarah offered. "I mean, you're not supposed to have sex in public here at the camp. Sticking your dick though a hole and getting it sucked on the 'outside' would technically circumvent the rules, I guess."

"But Sarah, we had sex with Richard."

"Hey, that wasn't our fault!"

The two girls approached the hole in the fence.

"Yep, there's the cops peeking through the hole," Sarah reported. "Can they arrest us for indecent exposure?"

One of the officers yelled out, "Your exposure is quite decent, I can assure you!"

"Those cops are jerk offs!" Katie spat.

"Maybe they're nice guys," Sarah replied. "We haven't even met them."

"I meant that they are jerking off," Katie answered.

"Oh. Hey, let's go for a swim. It's really hot."

The girls approached one of the Bare Lake beaches. The sign read "Senior Citizen Nude Beach. Watch for Golden Oldies."

"So we should try another beach, Sarah. I doubt the Antichrist is someone who needs to be ironed."

The sign at the next beach read "Always swim nude. Sharks hate to peel their food."

"I guess that's the beach for us, Katie. I mean, we don't have swim suits."

The beach was crowded and many people were in the water. Katie and Sarah sat on towels and searched for anyone who appeared to have a tattoo on his penis.

Sarah saw someone who looked like a possibility walk by them. She called out to him, "Hey mister, do you have a light?"

He turned and came back to where they were sitting. "No. I do smoke, but as you can see I don't have any pockets for my cigarettes and lighter."

"I don't mean to pry, but what's that on your penis?" Sarah inquired. "There are some marks or something on it, as far as I can tell without getting a real close look. That isn't a tattoo, is it?"

"Oh no," he replied. "Never cook bacon while you're naked."

"I don't think we need to worry about that as much as you dudes do," Katie observed. "Nice talking to you. We're going for a swim."

The girls went into the water and began to splash each other. "Don't get my hair wet!" Sarah screeched.

"The water isn't what is making your little red snatch wet," Katie said with a snort. "Seeing other girls naked turns you on."

"Me? You're the quim hound."

They kept going up to their waists. Soon they noticed something unusual—a young woman, also up to her waist in the water, reading a book.

"She looks like that famous Victoria's Secret model," Katie noted. "I forget her name. How come she's not wearing a mask? I wonder what she's reading. Wow, that's weird, reading a book in the water."

"A model is right," Sarah agreed. "Oh my God, she's totally hot! Let's go check her out. Maybe she has a tattoo on her penis!" Sarah jested.

Both girls giggled. They approached the young woman who was reading aloud, but they couldn't decipher what she was saying.

"Hi there!" Katie called out. "What are you reading? It must be a really good book."

"Oh it is," the woman replied, "it's a Bible. Not to worry, it's a waterproof edition. Are you girls interested in the Bible?"

"Sure we are!" Katie responded eagerly, nodding.

The young woman again read aloud from the Bible.

"I can't understand what you said," Sarah complained.

"Don't you speak in tongues?" the woman asked, smirking.

"I'd like to speak to her in tongues," Katie whispered to Sarah, "with my tongue right on her clit."

"This is a Hebrew Bible," the woman explained. "Would you two like a Bible lesson, from the original languages? I also have a Greek New Testament over on my blanket."

"Sure we would!" Sarah replied.

"Well, just follow me, then." The woman started to head to the beach, and Katie and Sarah trailed behind.

"Hey, you're wearing a bikini bottom," Katie commented. "This is a nude beach, you know."

"Is that to keep the sharks off you, since they don't like to peel their food?" Sarah joked.

"I don't want anyone to recognize my . . . uh . . . I'm wearing a pad. A visit from Aunt Flo."

"I hope the sharks don't smell blood," Katie offered stoically.

"I love shark steak," the woman snapped, frowning at Katie.

"Sorry," Katie whimpered. "I get in a real bad mood too when I'm percolating."

The three got to the woman's blanket, and she picked it up with her other things, including a cooler and a large beach bag. "Let's walk on down the beach and find a secluded spot where we can talk privately," she suggested.

They went around a bend in the shoreline and found a perfect spot. The woman spread the blanket and the three of them sat down.

"By the way, my name is Sarah and this is Katie. What's yours?"


"Oh, that must be short for Alexis," Katie concluded.

Max raised an eyebrow. She pulled some bottles of some sort of beverage from the cooler. "Here, try this. But first take those stupid Miss Piggy masks off." And then she added under her breath, "You'll be squealing like stuck pigs soon enough."

Katie and Sarah took several sips.

"Wow, this is good, what is it?" Katie inquired.

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