O Is for Olivia

"Well, in a sense, I suppose, yes. I am biologically male but I'm living as a woman, working here and so on. I've always wondered if I was really a woman in a man's body, and now I'm doing something about finding out."

David looked at me, rather oddly though that's not really surprising, is it? After all, having decided to ask someone out he'd just been told by the woman he'd wanted to take out that she was really a man. Not something that happens every day, is it? I suppose he took it rather well really, he didn't make a fuss.

"Right. I'm glad you told me. OK. Thanks, Olivia."

He turned and walked across the yard towards the gate. I looked after him. I think I could probably have not told him, and gone to the pictures maybe, but that wouldn't have been right. He'd had to know. As I walked back towards the counter to take over the till again, Gina came across towards me.

"Well then, Olivia, what was going on there then? Something, obviously. You seem a little disturbed maybe."

"He asked me out."

"Wow! I told you, something like this was bound to happen. Actually he looks rather dishy, doesn't he? So, what did you say?"

I told her about feeling I had to tell him, to own up to my secret. We spent a couple of minutes discussing the rights and wrongs of the situation, and I tried to get my head round what Gina had just said. 'Dishy', she'd said. Did I think so? Was I in some way attracted to David? Well, thinking about it, maybe I was. I'd come so far in passing as Olivia, in acting and speaking and moving as a woman, maybe I was making progress in thinking as a woman. Actually, yes, I did like him.

I looked at Gina. "I told him. I had to, really, I mean, I couldn't go out with him, could I?"

"Why not?"

"Well - because - ... Hell, Gina, because I'm not a proper woman. I had to tell him, I mean, I felt great when he asked me, but that was because he didn't know. I had to tell him."

Gina looked at me. She took my hand, and led me away from the till section, to the small seating area set up round the water features we had for sale. It was quiet there apart from the sound of the two or three pumps in operation for display purposes and the tinkle-tinkle of the water from the small waterfalls.

"Look. Olivia. You used to be Oliver, remember. But you've come a long way from there. So maybe you've got something different between your legs from most women, damn near all of us come to that. But in appearance, and manner, and behaviour, and so many other things that matter, you're a woman now."

"OK, OK, thanks for that. But David asked me out. And when I told him he just walked away."

"Well what do you expect my dear? You must have given him quite a shock. So maybe it wasn't to be this time, but you've got to stick at it. One of these days, if you tell a guy what you have to tell him, it'll be different. Maybe not today, not tomorrow, it will happen. You've just got to be ready, Olivia. That's what life is about, for a man or a woman. Being ready."

Which was probably the most philosophical comment I'd ever heard from my sister-in-law. She was right, of course. Maybe one or two of the men who found out would be nutters or perverts, bigots like that chap I'd met in my first week in the job. In my first week as 'Olivia'. But one day, possibly. It sounded to me like a fairy-tale, 'one day my prince will come'. I was under no illusions though, it wasn't going to be like that. No prince. Just a man, or maybe even a woman, I hadn't discarded that possibility totally though I thought it unlikely.

Even if it didn't happen, I was more than prepared for the alternative. Totally ready to spend the rest of my life on my own, as 'Olivia' of course, to grow old on my own, as a spinster as they say. An old maid. An old woman. What a thought. And how on earth had my mental meanderings got to such a place sat there in the pool area with Gina? I looked at her.

"Gina?" Her attention was elsewhere, she was looking past me.

"Gina? What's wrong?"

I turned and looked. Suddenly I wasn't concentrating on Gina but I could hear her voice beside me. It seemed distant but that's maybe because my mind was elsewhere.

"Well, well Olivia. Looks like you've got a visitor."

I was looking across the planting area - towards David Dunham, who was walking towards the till section. He saw Gina, he saw me, and he turned and walked towards us. He looked determined. He seemed intent on something, he was going to make sure whatever he'd decided to do got done.

"Hello Olivia. I've been thinking."

"See you later" said Gina, turning and almost running back to take over from Maria who must have been fed up, I'd only asked her to cover for me for five minutes.

"Hello" I said.

That was all. I'd almost thought of something else to say when David continued.

"Listen, Olivia. I heard what you said. It surprised me. But I shouldn't have walked away like that. Look, Friday, how about it? The cinema, I mean, would you really like to go?"

I should have thought about it. I should have quizzed him to find out exactly what had made him change his mind. I should really have quizzed him to discover just what his motives really were, just why it was that he thought going out with a transvestite was a good idea. But I didn't think.

"Yes" I said.

Gina was amazed when I told her, maybe from what I'd just been saying she'd been thinking that this David guy wouldn't appear again and she was trying to advise me on how to deal with the situation when it happened again. But she did actually, after he'd gone, call him 'dishy' again. Actually I was beginning to agree with her. She offered all sorts of advice on how I should dress and what I should do on my very first 'date', but I had ideas of my own.

I really didn't want to push things too far. Really David was going on a date with a guy, and I didn't want to freak him out by going out-and-out tranny on him. So I wore a smart, pretty traditional, sweater and skirt and three-inch block heels, attractive but not over the top. The same outfit I'd worn when the Mayor had come to collect a tree from the Centre for some sort of ceremonial planting and I wanted to look smart and attractive maybe, but didn't want to attract too much attention.

The date went well. David behaved himself and so did I. He picked me up from the flat right on time and I revelled in the first-time thrill of walking through the cinema foyer holding onto his hand. And no, we didn't sit on the back row and fool around or anything. We just watched the film, just a little hand-caressing, and then called in at a cafe on the way back. And at the end of the evening outside my front door, what I knew could be an embarrassing moment, I just kissed him goodnight. Quickly, rather methodically really.

"David, thanks so much. This has really been important to me, you can't know how much."

"Good. I'm glad. It was good for me too. Good film, good company. Yes. I enjoyed myself."

I kissed his cheek again.

"OK Olivia. How about tomorrow? Maybe just go out for a drink, nothing heavy you understand."

I paused for a moment. Another date? Already? Hell, why not?

"Yes. I'd like that."

Gina of course was desperate to find out the next morning how I'd got on, and wanted a blow-by-blow account of what had happened. I gave her the basic outline of course, not the detail, it must have been pretty obvious that things had worked out pretty well.

"So when are you seeing him again?" she asked.

"Tonight."

"Wow. He's a fast worker."

And this time I did listen to what she had to say about what I should wear and so on. I'd told her we were just going out to a pub for an hour or so, David was in London much of the day visiting family but he was determined to get back on time so we could just spend an hour or so together.

It probably took me longer to get dressed and made up that evening than the actual date lasted but it was worth it. And again, no, there was no funny business. We just sat together in the pub, quite a lot of friendly contact but nothing intimate. And we talked. Probably for nearly two hours altogether, about our lives and how we'd got to where we were.

"I must say, Olivia, after what you've told me, my own life must seem rather humdrum. Lisa and I were together nearly twenty years, and there was nobody at else in my life while she was still with me. OK so she was pregnant when we got married but that wasn't so unusual in the seventies. And Lee and Fiona were great kids. Very supportive too when Lisa decided she'd had enough of me. I know she'd been seeing someone else but it's still a bit of a shock when that sort of thing happens."

"You poor man" I said, laying a hand on his and stroking it a little before I properly realised what I was doing.

Really, I think, it was a basic, sympathetic, and rather female, action. I moved my hand away and took another sip of my drink, feeling a little embarrassed.

We chatted on until almost closing time, then David walked me home again. And once more I said goodnight with a quick kiss on the cheek, this time accompanied by a tight squeeze of his hand. I wondered if he was going to ask me out again, the next night even.

"Look, Olivia, I really have enjoyed myself. It's so good to be able to talk like this, and to a woman like yourself, well, somehow it just seems right. For the moment anyway, I'm not about to propose or anything like that. It's just that - well, right now - it seems a good thing to do. Am I making any sense here?"

"Yes you are. I feel sort-of similar, really."

"Good. But I'm busy this weekend I'm afraid, otherwise I'd ask you out again. Lee and his wife are coming to see their old Dad."

"OK. I see. And you'd rather I wasn't around, of course."

"Yes. Hell, sorry, that sounded awful. But not yet, Olivia, not yet. This is something very new for me and I wouldn't want to keep any secrets from them. If you see what I mean."

"You mean you'd want to tell them about me? About me being trans-sexual, that is? I imagine your son might freak at the idea really. Not what you expect really from your father."

"Yes. I think he would. But I think we both need time. And next week I'm in London again until Friday afternoon. So. How about next Friday. There's a tribute band on at the Star and Garter, they're usually pretty good does."

"Well, I don't know ..."

Somehow the idea of going to the Star seemed rather high-profile for me. I'd kept things pretty quiet during the first few months of my existence as Olivia, going out in such a public arena seemed a bit over the top. But I promised to think about it and give him a ring in London later in the week. I finished with yet another quick kiss and went inside. Things really were changing, and fast. I realised I'd better get my feet back on the ground pretty quickly. I was due to visit my therapist again the following Monday evening and I had a lot to tell her, about the practicalities of going out on dates with David, and about what I'd been feeling too about the whole experience.

As I began to get ready for bed half an hour later, I looked in the mirror. At myself, at Olivia, at the woman I was becoming. I'd dressed quite conservatively for both dates, for a tranny that is. Tight-ish top and skirt, not to tight or short, and I'd been rather subdued with my make-up, not over-doing things at all. I took off my top and skirt, and stood there in bra and panties. Yes, I really was becoming more and more of a woman. I slipped off my wig and brushed my own hair back, and round the sides of my face. It was by then nearly long enough, I'd only had it very slightly trimmed a couple of times in the previous six months, maybe more.

Suddenly the thought of going out to the 'Star' seemed a good idea. I could even have my hair done .....

Inevitably, again, Gina wanted all the details the next day. And again inevitably I told her some of them. She'd seen my body language though, it must have been so obvious that I'd been having fun, a new kind of fun, in being Olivia with David.

"You really like him, don't you?"

"Yes. I do."

"And? Come on, tell me more. I am effectively your sister-in-law, after all, and probably your best girl-friend. So tell, what's really going on?"

"Well. Nothing really special."

"Nothing special?" Gina hissed quietly, looking up to make sure there were no customers within hearing distance. "Your David has been dating a guy in a frock, really, OK then a skirt. But it's not exactly your conventional date, we both know that. I'm just wondering what's in it for him."

I began to explain about David's wife leaving him, and how he had thought twice about taking me out once he'd found out. And how he'd decided to give it a go, how he'd been attracted by the idea of a different kind of woman.

"It's not just that, Olivia. I saw the way he looked at you. I know he'd not really got to know you then but really, he did give me the impression that he was attracted to what he saw. Anyway, what next?"

I just managed to tell her about David's family coming to visit that weekend, and that he'd invited me out again to some sort of concert at the 'Star' the following Friday.

"Oh no, not Friday! Shit!"

Then she realised there was a customer behind her, and she slunk away a little upset with herself. But something had disturbed her, obviously. She did manage to tell me later, that she and Jim had been hoping I'd baby-sit that night because they wanted to go out together, to the 'Star'.

"It's the 'Papas and Mamas'. We saw them about six months ago, that was at the Star too. They put on a good show."

OK, tribute band. But Jim and I had always been fans of the original group when we'd been young. I remembered that he and Gina had raved about the concert when they had seen the band earlier that year. So I was certainly not available for baby-sitting with Annie that evening. A couple of days later Gina did tell me that one of the sisters of a girl at her hairdresser's had been lined up in my place. She did understand why.

"Anyway, my dear, it's important, isn't it? Third date. You know what that means, well, it usually does."

I did. Third date. I'd been thinking of nothing else ever since David had asked me. Third date. So I was a different sort of girl, not the usual sort. But why should I be different? Third date. I'd planned my outfit. I'd planned the evening. And I'd wondered about the night. Whatever David had in mind, if anything, I wanted to be ready for anything. My mind skipped back, prompted by Gina's comment about her hairdresser.

I'd been being Olivia for several months by then, wearing a wig to try to present a more female appearance to the world. But I'd been careful to take care of my own hair underneath the wig, washing and conditioning it a little more often than perhaps necessary and going along to the same hairdresser as Gina for an occasional very slight trim to keep the ends in good condition.

OK, for my third date with David, I was ready for the big step. Karen knew about my 'secret' of course, a woman has very few secrets from her stylist and I'd kept her informed about how things had been going in my transition in my regular visits to her salon. She'd given me a special slot, I totally understood why, very early on a Monday morning so as not to in any way disturb her other clients. OK so it wasn't a Monday, and it wasn't very early in the day, but when I'd explained to Karen what I was considering she'd been full of enthusiasm. Which is why we were both rather excited on that Friday, the day of THE date, when I sat in one of her styling chairs early in the afternoon.

I'd asked Jim for the afternoon off. I'd realised Gina knew me even better that I thought she did when he told me he'd been warned by her I was likely to ask for time off to prepare for the evening. He'd said 'yes' of course. I think Gina had told him in no uncertain terms that since it was so important to me he'd really have to.

"Right, Olivia." Karen stood in front of me, comb and scissors in hand. "The usual very slight trim again, yes? And then - well - I think it's a good idea. This man of yours is going to get the thrill of a lifetime. So, how are you going to manage - you know?"

Which was in context a very personal question really. I didn't want to go into any details with her, hell, some things are private. And to be honest though I knew what I wanted, what I'd dreamed about, I wasn't at all sure exactly how things were going to work out. With David, that is. So instead of answering her question I just went on a bit about David himself, and how he'd asked me out in the first place, stuff like that. While Karen got on with the task of doing my hair. No wig this time, this was going to be really me.

I rather sneaked back home afterwards, feeling to an extent rather exposed without the security of my wig. I had a bite to eat, then stripped, showered, depilated - you know the sort of thing. And just before eight I was sitting in my kitchen, rather nervously, waiting. Waiting for David. He was late, but just a couple of minutes. He knocked on the door instead of ringing the bell, a little 'signal' we'd worked out so that I'd know it was him. I opened the door.

"Hello, come in. Nearly ready."

I stood there, expectantly. I'd gone to a lot of trouble, though not just for David of course, for me as well. I knew I was about to be inspected in public by lots of other people at the 'concert', even though it was only in the function room of the 'Star'. But it was so very important to me to look good, for me and for him. And right at that moment, when he came in and looked at me, well. I NEEDED compliments. I NEEDED to be told I looked good, and convincing, and attractive even, I needed to know David would be pleased to be my escort that evening in the pub. He looked at me.

"Cripes, Olivia. I mean - wow! You look sensational I never thought - oh shit, I'm saying this wrong. Is that a different wig? Hell, of course it is. Unless ..."

"David, this is me. My own hair, I thought it was about time and I wanted to do something special. What do you think? The whole thing, I mean, is it too - tranny? If you know what I mean."

He took two paces towards me, reaching out to take my right hand and hold it gently. He put his other arm round my waist and pulled me closer, gently touching his lips onto mine briefly. I trembled. My first proper kiss, on the lips, with a guy.

"I don't kiss trannies" was all he said. Then he tugged me in the direction of the door. "I passed the 'Star' on the way, we're liable to have trouble parking and I am a bit late, we'd better get there quick. Besides, I need to show you off."

I grabbed my bag and slung the strap over my shoulder and allowed myself to be led out to his car. In fact the traffic around the pub had calmed down a bit when we got there, and we didn't have to park too far from the venue. So it was just before half past when I strolled, happily, confidently, full of the joys of spring, clasping David's hand again, towards the large glass-fronted double doors leading into the Star and Garter's function room. It was by coincidence that we ended up approaching the doors at almost exactly the same time as Jim and Gina. I didn't see them at first, but I did hear Jim's voice behind us as we moved towards the entrance.

"Olivia? Wow, is that you? My God, you look drop-dead gorgeous! You look fantastic, sis."

I turned towards them, glimpsing my reflection in the double-doors as I did so. I knew it had to be right, the 'wrapping' I mean. The superficial bits of me, the clothes and the hair and the make-up and so on, and Jim's expression - and Gina's - confirmed I'd got it right. I'd chosen quite high heels, black of course, black patent stilettos, maybe 5" heels to try to enhance the femininity of my legs.