Old Testament

I took an open chair across the big table from my wife, Helen, who was entertaining brothers Harvey and Babe. Five "couples", all purportedly my friends, were engaged in intimate forms of intercourse; they were ignoring the brothers' hands under the table and my wife's blissful look in favor of achieving their own.

Charlotte was sitting on Carl's lap; her husband, Robert, had his arm around Kay's back, whispering in her ear. Kay's husband Tony had his big paw on the leg of his best friend Tommy's wife, Sue, while his best friend was stroking Dana's bare back. Dana's husband was three sheets in the wind, head bobbing, with a mostly empty whiskey bottle in his hand. Carl's wife Sonia was playing pool with three young boys, who were enjoying her exhibitionism as she leaned over the table in her short dress.

No one noticed me, until the noisy din coming from the nearby tables died down and Sonia looked around to see why it had gotten so quiet.

She was the one who noticed me first; her hand flew to her mouth, she dropped the pool cue, and exclaimed, "OH MY GOD! ED!"

The boys' heads followed her; they saw me sitting there alone, beer in hand, watching my wife taking turns kissing Harvey and Babe. Her exclamation and stare redirected the attention of those who weren't already watching our table to me.

You see, my temper and fighting abilities were legendary from youth on, and my company employed everyone at the big table, and many, if not most, of the others in the big, drafty bar. My reaction would affect many of them.

It might have been Sonia's cry or Kay moving to Roberts lap, but Kay saw me first. It didn't sink in for a moment, but then she yelled "OH SHIT" and scrambled back to her seat. Robert looked around to see why, froze, and said, "OH, FUCK!"

"We thought you were in Dallas!" ventured wide-eyed Tony.

"Came back early to an empty house, so I rode out here to join my wife and friends," I replied evenly.

Helen's lips were unoccupied and the brothers' hands were on the table; all three were bright red, perhaps from holding their breaths, perhaps embarrassment, or fear.

"Ed, it's not what you think," said Charlotte as she slipped off Carl's lap and into her chair."

"Really?"

Carl slurred, "We were just foolin' around a little, man, just havin' a little fun, ya know. Don't take it so serious! We're all friends here!"

"Leviticus 20:10," I quoted. He looked at me blankly.

"I had no idea all this was going on," I said, sweeping my hand around the table. "How long?"

There was silence until Harvey grew a pair. "What difference does it make? We're all adults; we can do what we want with who we want." Helen's eyes were fixed on the table.

"Leviticus 20:10."

"WTF is that?" Harvey's drunk-self bellowed.

Sonia appeared with phone in hand. "Leviticus 20:10 - If a man commits adultery with his neighbor's wife, both the man and the woman who have committed adultery must be put to death."

"So how many of you have shredded the 7^th Commandment lately?" I asked.

Babe challenged me. "Look, we ain't a bunch of holy rollers! We got our own seta commandments, and the first is, 'if it feels good, do it'! The second is 'if ya got it, flaunt it!' And the third is, 'don't die regrettin' the things you didn't do!'

"See how much better ours are!"

"Me? I'm a Good Book man. Old Testament more so than new, when it comes to sinners.

"The vows I said when I got married came straight out of the Good Book, and I meant 'em. The words my bride spoke were too, but it looks like she didn't mean 'em.

"Did you mean them, Helen?"

"I... uuuh... This is not what it seems! We were just, you know, flirting a little, letting off a little steam."

"Uhhuh. So y'all weren't together last Saturday? These pictures aren't of you getting spit roasted?"

I tossed a dozen pictures of people not married to each other fornicating, and watched them squirm; each was in at least one.

I tossed fourteen envelopes down: one Petition for Divorce and thirteen termination notices.

I fixed each with a hateful stare, and promised, "Leviticus 20:20. Old Testament. Maybe I can't kill ya today, but I can damn sure fire all of ya!"