Omnia Vincit Amor Pt. 03

"Claire you've tried again and again to approach him. He's the one keeping you away. From what you say, and I believe you in the context of everything else you've done, even sending him the divorce petition was an attempt to get him to respond, wasn't it?

"Darling Claire, he hasn't moved an inch in your direction, and you've moved yards in his! The ball is in his court."

"I know," she sighed with resignation. "Intellectually I understand all that, but I still feel like a worm that he's suffering so much."

"Ask yourself: have you done everything you could? Could you have done more?"

"I could go back and go on as before."

John was silent. According to John's lights, Peter had abused his position as her husband for years, and recently had exceeded himself. However John had to be circumspect in his response.

"But?"

Another silence. This time she was seeing the whole picture, and coming to the same conclusion.

"No. I can't go back. All I'm asking is to be an equal partner, and to be trusted. It's only fair; it's only just. I would go back if I knew we'd be on an equal footing, but I know if I just go back, there'll be no change at all. Why can't he see that? Why can't he get help?"

"Wrong verb, I think. Why won't he?"

"Thank you John. I feel much better now. It's three weeks since the second petition, Simon will give it another two days, then ask if the response has arrived. Then we have to go to court."

There was no reply he could give to that, so John did not attempt one. Instead, he made a request.

"Claire?"

"Yes, love?"

"Stay the night."

"OK."

Neither was surprised, nor worried that the wrong message had been given. Instead, they lay back, and she snuggled into his arms and with her head on his chest.

"Goodnight, love," she murmured.

"Goodnight sweetheart."

----

A week went by as November drew to an end, then Simon asked her to visit him, and the two went to court to begin the proceedings in Peter's absence. The reason for the divorce was 'unreasonable conduct' citing his obsessive behaviour and in view of his refusal to respond to the petition, this was accepted.

Simon took care of all the details. All the children were of age, and so there was no need for custody, and Claire was not asking for any support from Peter. Since Peter had not responded, any needs he might have were not entertained. In any case, Claire was able to give rough details of his income when she gave her own.

Simon rang on Wednesday the 7th of December.

"I'm ringing to tell you that the Decree Nisi has been granted."

Claire gasped, and sat down on the sofa.

"Claire?" Simon asked, worried.

"No, Simon, I'm OK. It came as a shock that it's real. Thanks."

"I've posted your copy today, and the court will have sent Peter's copy to his 'last known address' as they put it. You're sure you're ok?"

"Yes. Thanks Simon."

She rang off and went to find John. He was in the kitchen preparing the evening meal.

"Well John," she said resignedly, "the Court's issued the Decree Nisi."

John left the carrots he was cutting up, and took her into his arms.

"Are you OK?" he asked.

"Yes, I just feel depressed at the whole thing." She nestled into him, talking to his neck.

"It's only the first stage," John reassured her. "It may be the means of getting a response from Peter."

"Oh, I do hope so." she said fervently.

Chapter 16

Christmas lights had festooned town and city streets for some weeks already, and the news of the decree spurred John to ask about her plans for the feast.

"I don't know," she answered him. "I wonder what the children have in mind. None of the children have kids of their own, apart from Thomas, so the whole family used to come to us. But I don't know now..."

"Same here. All mine live in striking distance, but Cath and Clare would stay over." John thought for a moment. "Why don't you write and ask them what they would like to do, and we can go from there."

Claire sent off an email to them all, including Thomas, and the same evening there came a reply from Elizabeth.

We have discussed it and there is no way we are going to Dad's if you are not there. We are all agreed we would like to spend it with you, but I do not think there is room at John's. Any thoughts?

Love Lizzie.

"What shall I do, John?" she asked. They want to come here but we've not enough room, and it's not fair to evict Cath and Clare."

John thought it over. Then he had an idea.

"What about your mother's house? You could have them all there. Plenty of room."

Claire was silent and looked unhappy.

"What is it?" asked John, concerned.

"It's just... You..." she stopped and then came out with it. "Your first Christmas alone -- I mean without Elizabeth. I want to spend Christmas with you, John."

John felt a warm glow and a surge of affection for her.

"Hmm. I wonder?" Then he stirred himself. "There are five of us, more of you if they all came..."

"You mean have everyone at Grange?" Her eyes sparkled. "That's a lovely idea and there's certainly enough room. A full house! How wonderful! Mum would have loved that; she used to come over to us for Christmas after Dad died."

"I need to ask mine how they feel about that, but I like the idea."

He called the girls and then James, all of whom liked the idea. So Claire emailed her children all of whom also liked the idea. Except Thomas who did not reply. What was new?

"Have you invited Peter?" John asked her once all the replies were in.

Claire was surprised. "Peter?" she said. "With a divorce in the offing? I couldn't sleep with him."

"You don't need to. Even so, everyone except Thomas will be at Grange. It will be miserable for him with no one but Thomas to celebrate it with."

She never ceased t be amazed at John, and this time did not understand him, but then thought again. It was an opportunity to talk with him before it was too late. So she emailed.

Dear Peter

The children asked what I was doing for Christmas, and wanted to celebrate it with me here, but this house is too small, so we are all going to Grange with John and all his children. John suggested that you might like to come as well, rather than spend the feast on your own. It would be a chance to talk before the divorce becomes final on the 20th January. We can still save this marriage, Peter.

To clarify, John and I do not sleep and have not slept together, but because of our situation, Peter, I will not share your bed either until we have talked this through to a conclusion.

Personally I think it would be good for you to meet his family and spend some time with him. I'm sure your opinion of him will change if you get to know him. He is a good Catholic, Peter.

Please let me know by email by Wednesday 15th if you will be joining us all.

Love, Claire.

Claire and John decided to travel up to Grange on Thursday 16th December to prepare and warm the house through, and life became quite frantic as they made preparations before they left. There were presents to be bought, and suddenly the number of presents had increased dramatically.

Each day Claire checked her laptop for a reply from Peter, but none came. The night of the 15th, after they had packed for the journey North, Claire again knocked on John's door and found her way into his bed. She was wearing a short chemise, and, John hoped, a pair of knickers. A bare vulva pressed against his thigh was too much of a temptation.

There were no tears this time, but John could see how dispirited she was. There was no discussion, only one statement from Claire.

"He could have answered. Even to say no, he could have answered."

They simply hugged each other until they fell asleep. Next morning, John left the bed first and made the daily pot of tea, and when he returned she was gone. He took her mug to her bedroom and knocked.

"Your tea, Claire," he called through the closed door. It opened.

Claire stood there in pretty, delicate bra and panties.

"Oh, thanks John," she said with a smile and took the mug from him.

He stood for a moment, seeing, for the first time, more of Claire than at any time since she first arrived the previous Spring.

She stood, holding the mug, loth to close the door in his face. She gave another smile and cocked her head in the manner he remembered from when they were lovers all those years ago. Then it was playful and inviting, now he was not sure what it was inviting!

He seemed to wake from his trance, smiled sheepishly, and turned away. Claire thought for a moment and turned away in her turn, only half closing the door.

After breakfast they packed Claire's car and after John had turned off the water, turned the central heating to the frost setting and locked up, they began the journey in convoy to Grange-over-Sands.

On arriving they made the preparations for the impending gathering, making up beds, warming the house through, doing local shopping, buying a large tree and decorating it and the house.

Chapter 17

Christmas

John left the gathering early on Christmas Eve morning to travel down to help with the hostel as he always did, but this time he drove back that evening to arrive in time for the vigil Mass at nine pm. He joined Claire and ten from the two families at the Mass, which enlarged the congregation considerably.

There were thirteen for Christmas Eve and Day, since Elizabeth had brought her fiancé and young Clare her partner. In an inspired piece of planning Clare and Luke had picked up Elizabeth and her fiancé Noel from the airport on the way to Grange, and early on Boxing Day the couples travelled back the way they came, to be with their partners' families on that day.

Everyone knew everyone else, apart from Mary and Charles who did not know John's family and James and Julie who did not know everyone of Claire's family, but the whole party soon became settled with each other and had a good time.

Mary looked a little askance when she realised both unmarried couples were sleeping with their partners, but it seemed she soon got over it when Claire quietly mentioned remembering Mary sleeping with Charles when engaged.

Mary was at pains to point out that then they shared a bed but did not have sex, to which Claire replied that it was no part of Mary's business whether the couples were having sex or not. Charles laughed and whispered to Claire that while there was no intercourse, there was plenty of sex! At which Mary was much embarrassed!

John and Claire were very busy organising volunteers from both families, sharing the preparation of the meals and in particular the Christmas dinner, where both a goose and a turkey were served to satisfy the numbers at the feast. Claire and John were shooed out of the kitchen after the meal as the two families took over clearing up.

It surprised John that everyone wanted to go for a walk in the late afternoon, and much fun was had crashing through the bushes and trees in the grounds as the light began to fail.

Once everyone settled in the evening, some disappearing off to their rooms, John took some time to stand aside and watch Claire with the majority who remained, a little worried how the impending divorce was affecting her. He was surprised. He had not seen her so happy and carefree in all the time since she first arrived on his doorstep. He realised that even at that first meeting with her, she was somewhat down-trodden. Now, buried in the helter-skelter of caring for two families, talking and joking with them, watching how they interacted, she was free. She had the lightness he remembered from student days.

It also came to John that this Christmas was not what he had expected, nay dreaded without Elizabeth for the first time. Previous Christmases were always hosted by the pair of them at their house, the house where the children had grown up, and there would have been a glaring gap which Elizabeth should have filled. Here in this different place, with Claire's children as well, he felt much more at ease, and less wistful than he had expected. That said, he thought of her often and felt that pang of loss.

Certain things had not gone unnoticed by the children either.

While Claire and a mixed families' group were playing Trivial Pursuit, Catherine came and sat with John. She could see him watching Claire as she laughed and joked with the group.

"Dad, you watch Claire a lot don't you? You don't need to answer, I've noticed."

John sat still for a few moments. "Have you seen how happy she's been?" he said. "I mean really happy, carefree? She loves looking after you all."

"Just like Mummy used to do," Catherine mused. "Same attitude."

John was silent, and she could see him thinking.

"Mum wouldn't have minded, you know," she added.

"Minded what?" John looked puzzled.

"You getting with Claire, you know, after the divorce."

"Yes, I know she wouldn't. She said as much. We both did. The one that was left should not be lonely."

"So, will you?"

"Sorry, Cath, but it's not as easy as that. She's more of a traditional Catholic than I am. She believes she's married for life, even with divorce from the state."

"But if she would?"

"We'll see."

"You do get on so well," she persisted. "You're both so... compatible."

The game broke up at that and further discussion was terminated.

Claire senior was in her bedroom combing her hair before bed, when Mary and Elizabeth knocked and were invited in. They too had noticed how close John and Claire were.

"Mum, we've both been talking, and we agree with each other," said Elizabeth.

"You two? Agreeing with each other? Must be Christmas!" she mocked them. "And what are you agreed on?" she asked with a wry smile.

"We're amazed by you and John, I mean your John, not our John," said Mary.

"He's not 'my' John", said Claire continuing to smile.

"You know what we mean, not our brother," retorted Elizabeth, "and we've been watching you both."

"Oh you have, have you?"

"You share all the work, John does as much as you," said Mary.

"And you seem to know what each other is thinking," added Elizabeth.

"We watched you both in the kitchen, how you work round each other," said Mary. "It was like a well oiled machine."

"Like a dance," added Elizabeth.

"So?" Claire prompted with a wider smile.

"Mum, Dad never just works with you like that," asserted Elizabeth.

"He always has to ask what to do," said Mary. "He's never done as much as John either. John doesn't help you, you just work together."

"As equals," said Elizabeth.

"I say again: so?"

"Why on earth didn't you marry John?" asked Mary.

Claire looked at her two daughters. "Girls, we were in our early twenties, in fact mentally I was still just a teenager! We didn't know what we'd grow into! I was frightened by how intense our relationship was, how close we were. And how young. That's why I finished it."

"Did John want to finish it?" asked Mary.

"I'd started to cool things and he saw that. I made it difficult for us to meet, made it obvious that I was more distant."

"So?" asked Elizabeth.

"We met in a pub, and each of us thought we finished with the other."

"See!" exclaimed Mary. "You were perfectly in synch, even then."

"But neither of us realised that then."

"A big mistake!" asserted Elizabeth. "You could have been so happy with John."

"Not as easy as that," said Claire.

"Sorry? How d'you mean?" said Mary.

"Should you two be here?" said Claire.

"Pardon?" said Mary.

"Are you two, your brothers, a mistake? Would it be better if you'd not been born?" Claire asked with a grin.

A puzzled silence ensued, and Claire waited until the penny dropped.

"Oh!" sighed Elizabeth. "I get it."

Mary: "Ugh?"

"If Mum had married John, we'd not be here. Mum is asking if the mistake she made was worth it!" Elizabeth painstakingly told her sister.

"Oh!" Mary said thoughtfully. "Well, I'm glad to be alive, but you Mum could have--"

"Mary, darling," Claire corrected her, "My life with your Father has not been drudgery and misery, not at all. We've been very happy together."

"Except for--" Mary began.

"Yes, except for what's blown up. Until I learned what he'd done about John's letter, I put up with the problem of his jealousy, it had become just part of life for me up to then. Then all that trouble followed: the trial at home, the violence against John. I can't put up with it any more, that's all.

"If your Dad would just get help, some sort of therapy, I'd go back in a heartbeat. That's all I'm asking of him. I love your Dad very much, girls. I don't want any of this.

"John? He's been a rock for me. Never once has he urged me to break up with your father, Never once."

This brought the talk to an end, and two thoughtful young women left Claire's bedroom.

Claire for her part wondered if what she'd said was as true as she made out. There was so much negativity in what had happened that it tended to overwhelm what was really true. Did she love Peter? Yes, she was sure of that: she did want him with her. If only he would contact her.

And John? Yes, she did love John, and meeting him again had rekindled her desire for him as well; she had to admit that. John physically turned her on in a big way, really more than Peter ever had.

That was all true and she was realistic about it. At the same time, she knew that Peter was her husband and she would not be unfaithful to him. The divorce was not in order to free her to go to John, no matter how much she might want to, it was to make the separation permanent, or until Peter changed his tune and repaired the damage he had done.

A thought came to her and it seemed to make things clearer.

She knew she desired John intensely and wanted him at the deepest level. She did want his body in a bed making passionate love to her as she knew he could. He was a loving man, and so accepting and caring, so selfless.

She remembered more clearly now how, back then, even though she never climaxed from his love-making, he gave her a feeling of deep satisfaction and contentment. It had been that which frightened her and led to the break up. Now she knew she could have that fulness and completeness again: it was there for the taking.

That much was crystal clear to her, and she rejected it. She had given herself to Peter, and she had loved Peter all those years. And that love involved sacrifice. Her tolerance of his excessive jealously year after year was love. It was the way she gave herself to him. Putting up with the mediocrity of his love-making was showing him love. Her feeling for him was deeper than all the sex. But now? While she wanted to be with Peter, she could not take any more jealousy, any more religious cant, or self-righteous rigidity.

She had never asked anything of him before, not like this. One thing: go and get help, and work for a cure of this weakness. That was all. She smiled as she remembered the catechism. To be forgiven you needed contrition, confession, absolution and a firm purpose of amendment.

To be forgiven by her he needed to be sorry. He was. He needed to confess his failing: he had. She had already forgiven him conditional on a firm purpose of amendment which involved getting help. He had fallen repeatedly at that last hurdle.

She sighed and lay down. Sleep took a long time coming that night.

By New Year the party had shrunk considerably, with those in work needing to get home after Christmas and Boxing Day, and John and Philip were going to parties at New Year in the Netherlands. Catherine returned, and she was joined by Ellen, Simon and the two children to see in the New Year.

When everyone had at last left on the 2nd January, John and Claire spent a few days clearing up and putting the house back into mothballs for the rest of the winter, before returning South in John's car to home.