All Comments on 'One Joke Too Many.'

this was very good

Terrific story I loved it all (jaybee186)

Who is Gloria?.

Very good with just enough drama and romance.

1st, some observations. There's question marks where there shouldn't be, commas missing throughout. Commas DO matter (I've eaten Mrs. Donahue vs. I've eaten, Mrs. Donahue. The reading/ meaning is changed.) I'm wondering if English isn't your 1st language which would explain some of your wording- kinda backwards (the example, tho not in the story- instead of horseback riding, you write riding horseback.) This's what leads me to believe this language isn't your 1st. All that for hopefully constructive criticism. Get a proofreader that's at least somewhat fluent in the language.

Having said that, your long story was interesting & drama filled, including some surprises, once I got through the above. I also wonder if this story wouldn't have been better in 2 parts: the divorce & slightly afterwards, then the trip to Georgia. The 2 didn't totally blend in with each other, excepting the tie-in with him "separating" from Meredith & coming home with a pregnant wife + daughter.

Thinking about that assignment trip, it doesn't fit that the brother-in-law that made a lot of the jokes & pain for Peter's also the one suddenly in Georgia skimming money from the company he works for. No explanation how or why he got there. My belief: he should've been in jail for Peter's beatdown, lost his job that way, I feel that 6-7 months away was too long, but this's your story!

As I wrote, overall I enjoyed the story and WILL read your others that I see posted & will post in the future. 4 stars (too bad I can't give 4.5) Bob

What a ridiculous story. I can't believe that anyone finished reading this stupid tale.

Liked the story a lot. However the awkward use of the language in every sense often forced rereads, which were jarring and disrupted any possible reading pleasure.

average walking speed on a person is 2mph, 30 miles to in laws 30 miles back, that is thirty hours awake while walking, plus a half an hour at the inlaws to kick ass and take video, plus working the day of the party, that is close to 40 hours with no sleep

.

.

its little details like that that screw with the suspension of disbelief that makes or breaks a story

I beg to differ with lujon2029. I am an experienced long-distance walker and walk on average between 1750 and 2200 miles a year. My average speed over thirty miles is about three and a half miles an hour. Depending on the landscape. But never less than three.

I know as a fact that there are men and women who can walk a Kennedy March within eleven hours.

2 miles an hour is a stroll in a park or a shopping mall.

Josh

Ok 3.5 mph

that's still nine hours each direction

Great story, l absolutely loved it

It had everything that makes a ripping yarn

5/5

Excellent!

I still don't understand why his sister-in-law went from love to betrayal. I don't buy they whole family first thing, that doesn't line up with how she acted before.

The sister and law bit didn’t work but apart from that a good story 4*,

I liked it, and gave it a 4.5 rounded up to a 5. I'm glad he divorced his ex-wife, and wonder about the sister-in-law, as she did a 180 flip from being in love with him, to letting him get hurt. I'm glad he hooked up with Meredith, and that she was able to help him out when he needed it.

That said, I don't think that English is your first language, as some of the wording/meaning got lost in translation, and yes that can and does happen. I think you need to find both a translator and an editor, someone to put the words into English, then someone to fix the screw ups/ problem areas. Myself I wasn't worried too much about the punctuation, but rather the wrong words being used due to a possible translation issue, and having to re-read a sentence multiple times for it o be understood. I'm not a writer, or an editor, or even a translator, but I am a reader of stories and I thought it was a pretty good story all things considered.

The overall storyline was quite good, but some of the little details ruined it some. Like the idea of him walking for 8 hours just to go to a party that he would probably hate. Then he got into the fight and then walk 8 hours back home. No one would do that. I also found that the previous pranks pulled on him were way over the top for him to keep coming back for more.

I enjoyed the story but when you are writing, I think you need to ask yourself after each scene, 'would anyone really do that'?

Subtly but obviously not written by a native English speaker. Kudos for how well it is done given that.

The "assisting the police with their inquiries" thing is purely British. The phrase is never used in US police work or prosecution, except as an ironic nod to British practice. Therefore coupling that locution with the FBI doesn't work.

Again, though, well done for a Dutch speaker. Lovely country, The Netherlands.

That was a satisfying tail, good ending, mild grammatical stumbles but nothing too distracting. Keep up the good work.

Brilliant story, loved it.

Some funny language turns. For example, he ran everyday and vice versa. Which means the village ran every day to him. Stilted language, while almost technically perfect English, very stilted. For example, he walked into the garden his sister, not his sister's garden. Back to page four now...

/

JPB NOT BOB

Four stars, due to all the blemishes. My one, overriding suggestion.if you place a story in America, populated by Americans, have an American convert your Dutch-American to actual American text. It will make reading more seamless for much of your readership, and actually help in your understanding of the Englsh-American language. Again, four stars.

/

JPB NOT BOB

Well done. Interesting story and well written. Sure there were errors and the natural flow was somewhat forced at times but I still enjoyed it.

PS Despite the previous comments, the world does not revolve around America and the language is English not English-American (irrespective of their efforts at destroying the language).