All Comments on 'One Joke Too Many.'

Very nice read. 5*

Thanks

Just a fantastic escape from daily pressures. Thanks so much. A couple points

1. Would love to hear a physiologist diagnosis as “yup she is Bat Shit Crazy”

2. How do pronounce his last name!!!

5&FAV

Yup! A great story, and written quite poignantly beautiful, if in a somewhat stilted manner., and with just a twinge here and there, of a foreign hand! Which made me mildly curious as to his roots, when all of a sudden, the proverbial ton-of-rocks fell on my head: "van Rijn"! - Gordon Bennett, -he's a bloody Dutchman, innie? Heh?

Well, jolly-well done, anyway! Excellent effort- Five Stars! - Maybe could be just improved a little by having a native English-Speaker read-through, then advise on the myriads of grammar revisions to make it flow s m o o t h e r for the reader, with far less effort!

My favourite: "Next to the car were 3 men all training a rifle on him." -must have been a very heavy gun, if it took THREE men to train the one rifle on him! That DID amuse me!

However "Next to the car were 3 men EACH training a rifle on him" WOULD work!

Other than a lot of mangled and tangled grammar, it was great! Kind regards,

Richard.

Excellent. Thank you.

Great comments on a wonderful story. Well deserved.

Story way too long

The beginning of the story is so incredibly stupid and so incredibly contrived that anybody with any intelligence would immediately stop reading the rest of this ridiculously stupid story.

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For example why would the husband walk 30 miles to a place where husband knows for an absolute certainty that his wife and her brothers are setting up another humiliating disgusting prank? Why the fuck would anybody do something like that?

And second the scene where the wife sees her husband taking a shower and sees that he is muscles after how many years of marriage ? are you fucking kidding me? The whole premise is ridiculous and contrived

Great story. I do wonder what sentence Victoria's brother received and whether her mom and dad laid down the law to the rest of the family. I also wonder how long Kevin will be in jail, or will they just end his life and send him for divine judgement.

Long read, good story.

Simply outstanding stand alone tale.

5 stars

6 pages too long and about as erotic as watching paint dry.

Great story. Wish u would have added why sister in law went against him.

Sorry, it’s pretty bad. Obviously not a native English speaker. I appreciate the effort but I gave up after awhile.

This is an interesting first draft. It needs a thorough and critical editing. The incomplete sentences and missing words littered throughout detract from an intriguing storyline. The mixing of tenses and points of narration also confuse the reader.

This is a 3 star effort that would become a 4 star once it is tidied up.

First HR deliberately makes the company liable for a bunch of claims by getting involved in his family affairs, then his lawyer tries to talk sense into him, then he gives the lawyer power of attorney? What the actual fuck?

Just a great and enjoyable read from beginning to end.

One thing I found very jarring was in reference to Tai Chi as a combat martial art. Reading that was like fingernails on the chalkboard. Tai Chi is probably the worst martial art for effective hand to hand fighting. Its really not a fighting art. An untrained street brawler would probably take apart a Tai Chi practitioner. If you want realism, mma, muay thai, kickboxing, krav maga, taekwondo, karate, boxing (in no particular order ofc) are all better striking arts. Then throw in grappling arts like judo, bjj, sambo, freestyle/folkstyle/catch wrestling and you have a well rounded martial artist.

Loved it. Thank you so much for sharing your work.

Romance, despair, dangerous international intrigue...regrets and new life all in a story as well-written as any I've read. What else could one ask for, especially when receiving it for free?

Damn fine work; please give us more of it!

MLJ

Americans and their idea of the rest of the world

That's a definitive 2/5 from me. The plot idea itself was intriguing, but the execution...

Please do some research before just putting stuff into your story. Please follow your plotlines instead of just unceremoniously dropping them. Please keep your character-names straight.

And, for the love of god, get a spell checker.

Great story. Not the usual. 5stars

I very much enjoyed the story but the end cut off to abruptly

Good story. I see from your biography, you’re from the Netherlands and I’m guessing English is a second language. That made this story even more impressive as it held together well, language wise.

This was an excellent read. I’m adding this to my favorites to read again in the future. 5 stars!

Interesting tale. Thanks.

There were a couple of small problems with the narrative. I felt that the discussion about “I, and almost everybody else told you to stop doing that to your husband” went on too long; too much repetition. There was a small glitch when he first moved out, found a “flat,” and then returned to “sign the lease for his house.” Finally, Peter has a time-sensitive project to complete, but he spends the first six months only investigating the finances, without ever making himself known to the people doing the work and taking charge? That just doesn’t make sense. But these are things a proofreader can help you catch in the future.

Thankyou. Great well-written story. Five stars.

The story was ok but it's obvious that the writer is either very young and doesn't have a handle on the English language yet or they're foreign and English is their 2nd language. Needs LOTS of editing! 3*

First half was a solid 5 ⭐️ tale that was a real nice take on the original “Joke” story.

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Then it fell off the cliff into a completely different story…and THAT one was not very good. The abruptly terminated romance with Meredith. The falling in love with the local foreign woman and child. The clumsy plotted company fraud that he solved. The silly homecoming, complete with ex wife employed at same company. And finally….you ended the Elizabeth thread so suddenly it seemed like she had been beamed up by the Enterprise 🥳

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Sigh…..the plot tangents this meandered off into really hurt it…..and tne score.

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3 ***

Great story, a little long, but I liked it.

You need to get another editor, this one (Turning502019) didn't do so well. I've help quite a few writers here at Literotica but when I was the Editor in Chief for for an unmentioned Publishing House, I wished I could have had the use of Text Aloud text reader. It has helped many people. You write your story and listen to it as you go and you produce a well proofread manuscript. Simple, I can't live without it and I caught every one of your mistakes and yes, there were more than a few! I don't read these stories but use Text Aloud to read them to me and it has a wonderful Dictionary you can add to. I really liked the story and it's great not hearing the dot dot dots that have to be edited out and adding a sexy voice like Jennifer's (hard to get now), makes it a joy to listen to! 5 BIG ASS FUCKING HUGE FLAMING NOVA STARS for the story! Well written, Thanks.

LoL, Tai Chi might be considered a martial art, but it certainly isn't a fighting art. That's just hilarious.

Overall, I wasn't much of a fan of this story. It just veered into the unbelievable right from the get go. Nobody, and I do mean nobody, walks eight hours to a get-together. Were you going for some kind of Keradine Kung fu Master theme, maybe?

What she did, while I can definitely understand the anger, ultimately isn't an unforgivable offense, in my opinion. Not once did she truly realize the depth of her trespass.

Everything after he left was just ... ugh. That's a good way to express it. Ugh.

Really good story and could have been great. It seems as if English is not your native language. The dialog is stilted and not smooth. This needs a ghost writer to clean up and make it what the story should be. Other than that it was enjoyable and entertaining.

4.5 stars for the story, 2 stars for the way it was written. Keep writing you will only get better with practice.

You stole someone else's story and then made it infinitely worse, why bother?

4.3 stars. The story overall was amazing, but there was no negative fallout for the asshole wife - she got tons of money, house, even new job, and ZERO punishment for basically being the reason he was almost killed by her asshat family.

Too much boring filler and you don't follow your own storyline. 1*

Sorry. It was too far beyond the pale to enjoy. I stopped after the first half page. As other commenters have already said, get a bloody editor. Or several.

Good story that is well written but a bit devoid of emotion. 4 stars.

"Grinning Gloria walked into the garden and asked, "Did he fall for it?"" Is Gloria some sort of Dutch term for Victoria, or a mixed up use of names?

Azerbaijan in Central Asia? I think the Caspian Sea gets in the way and places it in Western Asia. You're a Nederlander, for good or ill I tend to expect more geographic accuracy from Europeans than our American cousins. Using American as a term for a US citizen, therefore introducing my own inaccuracy.

The story was more like a shotgun blast scattered everywhere. I only made it through 4 pages before fast forwarding. Too ridiculous to be taken seriously

This was really difficult to read.

I was so happy to participate in a story written so well by someone who speaks English so well as their second language! Spoken more eloquent than many born here in my country, lol. Other than high praise, when I taught English Literature years ago, I tried to encourage my students to shy away from using compound words, shitheat, asshole, etc. Sure some are readily used in everyday speech. Any way I loved your story and am glad I have followed you. Thank you for one hell of a story! 5 BIG ASS FUCKING HUGE FLAMING NOVA STARS for a score.

Wow! after the basic LW beginning, your story continued to evolve and branch out.

Great story! a lot of fun and intrigue!

5 stars

Wordy.

Repetitive.

Murky in storyline.

Lacking in streamlining.

Many technical errors.

It needs reworking, and maybe broken up into chapters.

Oh, by the way… “ You need to get another editor, this one (Turning502019) didn't do so well. I've help quite a few writers here at Literotica but when I was the Editor in Chief for for an unmentioned Publishing House, I wished I could have had the use of Text Aloud text reader. It has helped many people. You write your story and listen to it as you go and you produce a well proofread manuscript. Simple, I can't live without it and I caught every one of your mistakes and yes, there were more than a few! I don't read these stories but use Text Aloud to read them to me and it has a wonderful Dictionary you can add to. I really liked the story and it's great not hearing the dot dot dots that have to be edited out and adding a sexy voice like Jennifer's (hard to get now), makes it a joy to listen to! 5 BIG ASS FUCKING HUGE FLAMING NOVA STARS for the story! Well written, Thanks”

…randog025 is a vainglorious dolt. Don’t listen to him.

Like several stories thrown together.

Decent story. It would seem from the dialogue that English is a second language for the author. Never the less, this was a good effort.

Good start but it was all over the top. After 23 years she did not know her husband AT ALL? That was too over the top, and then how he fell in love immediately and they with him in an instant wherever he goes. That's too much.

Great start though.

From 5 star to 3.

It was a good read

This is make a living from writing good. Helluva tale

Read a few comments.

I found it an easy read. Perhaps some of you are too used to reading short spank stories.

As for revenge on wife one, what worse revenge than watching another woman enjoy her place for years to come?

Really dug the first part but as soon as he became international man of corporate mystery the bottom fell out for me. All the momentum and agon built up in the first part was short-circuited by the second plot and never reached a satisfying conclusion.

You do write a wonderful well written story. It was on the order of a short book. Characters well defined, proper language, and the story flowed well with numerous exciting events. Well Done! 5*+. Thank you for sharing your work with us.

Agena's classic

deserves all the attention it's gotten

through the tears.

Sadly this tribute was well over the top.

3 out of 5 from me.

Good story, well told. Thank you

What a great story. I liked the way you did the original story, and then the next part was absolutely awesome. This has become a favored story and I look for others to be good. Thank you for your efforts. John

I was never a fan of the original. It was okay, just not to my taste. This story is far better. I don't mean to knock Agena either; I have read most of his work, and he (or she) is quite good. Five stars

Well. Adventure time.

I enjoyed the wandering plot that began in suburban America and evolved into international intrigue. The characters could have benefited from more development. And the geographic information offered felt like it was chosen on a dartboard. Tblisi is the capital of Georgia, so why would Peter fly there to drive to Azerbaijan? Neither a Georgia nor Azerbaijan are in Central Asia. They are considered to be in West Asia or the Near East, or specifically in the Caucasus. Central Asia consists of the ‘Stan’s.

Pretty fun adventure, refreshing tale for a worn genre. Only plot gap was Alyana intimated she was used by GC employees for sexual favors but she tells Peter she had only been with one man. Other than that it was pretty well done. 4.6*

I gave up midway through the second page.

It appears that you are not a native speaker of English and you are to be commended for writing as well as you do. I certainly can’t write in another language and i appreciate anyone who can.

That said, the writing was too stilted and the sentence structure and punctuation too poorly done for me to enjoy reading the story.

I won’t give it a low score, but I cannot give it a high score.

Interesting enough story, decent character development, but your writing is so akimbo makes me wonder if English is not your first language, or are you a literoticabot?

@Demosthenes384bc

I think the issue was more that she was relegated to being only a housekeeper/maid when her skills and education would have allowed her to be much more, if only she'd played the game and had sex with some of the company men. She didn't, so had the "menial" position.

This was difficult to enjoy.

So many issues, covered by the commentaries.

Thank you for the hard work.

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AMerryman

As long as it followed Agena it was fine. The construction bit was pointless and ludicrous. He was a planner and estimator. Construction management is totally different. Success in one would about guarantee failure in the other. Then he goes abroad and what does he do? He sets up an office with his housekeeper. The timeline is not clear, but appears that he didn't visit the company office until he sneaked through the back door after hours. So, he has not met met the local management and has never visited the site. What kind of manager is this? But it all came right in the end because the ONLY problem was that this Kevin chap was skimming the payroll. Fix that, and he's the HERO.

Did somebody say this was better than the Agena story?

It kept enough interest to hold me to the end,but I think I'm generous to give 3*

This felt like two stories tagged together. The trip abroad and the coincidence that his in law was the villain was a step too far.

I'm still giving 4 stars for the huge effort and it was quite entertaining.

I have always liked to see variations on authors stories. Thank you for a new perspective

A very good story. It could be great but it needs to be pulled and major editing done to it. Not only spelling but grammatical and story flow.

I love this story. It has a little bit of everything and is very well written. 5 stars from Xluckylee

Four pages too many.

Well written. Could be expanded out to a true novella !

Don't be afraid to post in romance

SUPER AMAZING WONDERFUL STORY!!!!

You deserved much many more than only 5 stars!

Congratulations!

That would have worked just as well in Romance. You made a really good “throw”. Bravo, very well told story!

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I just started this story, yet I already have to leave the following here, even though I seriously doubt I'm the first one to do so:

"Of average height with his 6ft.."

Yet another erotic author that isn't that good with with measurement. So, like his '6-inch' counterpart down there, being 6 feets tall is anything, but average. The worldwide average size of the male specy is 5"9, and only 14% of the male population in the US are 6 ft tall and over.

I know that the author stated, at the very beginning, that the story has no bearing with reality... but how about the minimum level of effort to still make it believable? That's how we ask, really!

Alright, done with this rant. Going back to the story...

Soo much of the dialogue is soo poorly written that entire paragraphs don't make sense. You also go back against things you've stated which is weird. Like the relationship with the security guard. You say they realized they weren't meant to be long term. Yet when he gets a job that required him to move all of a sudden they're in love with each otherand she's willing to wait? Makes no sense.

This should have been published in a comic book

Sorry but Victoria could never be a sympathetic character, She needed to pay for 23 years of cruelty.

Yeah u need to work on ur English or get an editor or a better editor

5 stars. Part of me wishes though that the story was two stories if that makes any sense, the rage and retribution against his former in laws including his sister-in-law who betrayed him last and the international crime stuff leading to new love. The two halves of the story felt like they could have worked better separately, most of the revenge against the family solved itself by the brothers being idiots and the crime stuff I felt was being weighed down by the MC's far away family stuff that kept rearing its ugly head. Still a great story though.

Thank you. You write much better in English than I do in Dutch. Great Five Star story.

There is a strong chance that Im not understanding the relationships between Victoria and her sister who was married to who Im confused . It sounded like there was some incest involved here. Apart form my understanding the story has merrit so dont give up.

At least at the end she is not one of the delusional LWs that think they were going to get back together.

Her family is messed up. They all need therapy.

JohnChild:

Victoria is married to Peter in the first few pages.

At which stage, her sister Elizabeth is married to Kevin.

The one joke too many involves Kevin "pretending" to bonk Victoria.

There is no incest involved.

Great story

Why would Peter decide to shower at some one else's home.?Whilst he was at the hospital with Meredith,who was providing security for the firm?.

wonderful story, great writer, thank you

I just had another question from reading this again. They were married for 23 years and had children. In that time I am sure she saw him without clothes, and she never understood he was stronger than he looked in his baggy clothes?

Is she even stupier than she acts?

Wonderful expression, "[She] chewed me a new hole."

Five supernovas.

So Elizabeth turned out to be a lying sack of shit anyway and helped her husband steal? Good riddance . I wish Pete had one final convo with her to pick her brain.

5 stars

Good but ill pick at the timeline a bit. How can he be at a remote build site for 6 months and not run into kevin? Thats a long time for the company superstar to be onsite and not fix the problem.

A very good story, although it was sketchy throughout. Four solid stars, though.

JPB

She loves him but as she said it herself it was her lack of respect that killed the marriage in the end. She was stupid enough to let her brother-in-law convince her that continually pranking her husband, even though it was obvious cruelty to anyone with a modicum of intelligence, was OK. Heck even Peter said to her if she pushed it one day the marriage was ended. But alas she was too stupid to listen to her husband and instead kept listening to the brother-in-law, and ultimately cost herself her marriage and the cushy life she could have led. Such a waste. At least Peter's life worked out in the end. Victoria understands now that if you play stupid games, you'll only win stupid prizes.

Yes, the story didn't always hang together, but it had interesting elements and the romance at the end was sweet. Thanks for sharing!

Decent story. English seemed to be a secondary language.

Things that made me scratch my head:

Meredith went from coffee barista to head of security? Also, didn't change her last name upon marriage (but was referred to as Mrs Green?)

Good but too long

Very enjoyable story!

5

It was a nicely written story. A little far out as some things did not work. I thought why talk about 3 beautiful women and include there physical bodies description. Also in the divorce case she would either buy his half out or sell the house as the kids were gone.if she had a decent salary why would she get alimony . Never mentioned was their net worth as this would be split. In the real world this would never happen. The x brother in law turn up in the foreign country to become of this criminal plot. Really. A bit of a stretch I would think!

Good story, I enjoyed the read. Thanks for your writing.

Extremely good, thank you for sharing. You did a great job with the details that some complain about - typos, spelling and punctuation, etc. Some really good stories on Lit suffer from those details. More importantly the consistency was excellent - character names weren’t changed (or a wrong name used) midstream. I only stumbled once, and it was my mistake: after introducing Miranda, a scene changed to Meredith, and initially I thought it a mistake until I realized daughter vs gf. Note that you didn’t identify Peter’s home country. Payment in Euros implied to me that his home was somewhere in Europe; the FBI implied it might be the US. You could have set it in the UK or Australia without any other changes - that might be useful to you. My only constructive suggestion is very minor: try to vary the character names a bit more. This story was a pleasure to read. I look forward to reading more of yours.

That was as well written as anything I have read, some story lines being a bit unlikely but i can see why and how i loved it thax

I enjoyed this, but I think it would have been better if it had been split into two separate stories: one about the disrespectful wife and her practical jokes, and another about the industrial espionage and the romance tale.