One Loving Mother Ch. 07

Jesse had a day off the next day, he took it on himself to try and understand Gwen more and figured the best way to do it would be to read her journal again. Carefully he had searched for it, sure it was moved from the last time, once found, to the living room to read it.

"Let's see now... last few days." He flipped backwards through it.

"Didn't get to write about this because he had me in his bed, then there was the other thing. I had no intention of sleeping with Jesse that night he came home drunk. He woke me up and I really wanted to just get him in his bed. I wasn't going to turn down an offer if he was drunk enough to want to, he was, so I did it. We have been coming on too strong, but we agree it has to be this way. Jesse never got the hints before I started trying to get physical. I was a little drunk off wine that night and that helped some. The sex was great and I didn't think he was so drunk that he thought I was that other girl. Looked her up online and we do kinda look alike.

I bet sober sex would be better. Anyway by the time he woke up, it was back to his normal self. Truth is I could think straight after, I tried to go back to my own bed, but he wouldn't let me. After a while I was too tired and just gave up. He was drunk enough he probably wouldn't have remembered if I wasn't still there. I couldn't lie, be a waste of time.

The way he lost it, was bad. I'm still in shock. He hit me. I was, no we went too far I guess. I don't know. In my head it was different. All I could do is cry. If he wants me to leave him alone, okay. I'm not taking those pills. I remember how this turns out with Damon. He used to hit me sometimes if I wasn't acting right. Called it having a talk. I'll try to control myself on my own and do what I need to do and stay out of his way."

"Oooooh... that's what she meant by knowing how whatever goes."

"Jesse tried to say he was sorry. I'm not sure if I believe him and they don't. He said I could hit him back, but that won't fix anything. They keep saying to hurt him for his betrayal and I refuse to hurt my own son. He keeps trying and I do not get why. Oh yes, thanks for reminding me. He's just feeling guilty. I'm still not going to hit him back. I'm just going to keep what I should be."

"He's getting what he wanted, it's hard but I'm doing it. Every time he tries to talk to me I can barely hear him over the others. They just won't shut up about him and me. I can't find my own thoughts tonight. Can't concentrate."

"I think they are starting to hate him. Or maybe I do. He can't be like Damon like they say. No this is my choice! I'm myself! I love Jesse and because I do, I am doing this for him and me..."

"I'm starting to struggle. They know I know what they want. I won't let them hurt him. They don't like when I hurt them, so that's what I'm going to do to put them in their place. I can be strong."

"That's why she cuts herself‽"

"He's started being nicer to me. Rather we keep trying to push him than ignore him. It warms my heart to see he still loves me. I don't trust myself to speak and ruin it but I need him to know that I appreciate it. I know he's trying and he probably thinks I'm mad at him. I was never mad, I was hurt. If I could get him to understand me better. I've already forgave him, I know I'm not easy to deal with even if I wasn't in love with him. I'm surprised I haven't got fired with how I am. They're just happy to give me the days off I need. He came home mad for some reason. Jesse thinks I'm trying to trick him. I'm trying to keep him happy. I thought he was going to hit me again. I took a chance and finally speaking to him. I know they would start things all over again the way they were yelling. If I gave them a chance to talk everything would be messed up. They want him to think he is crazy as I am. He's not. After I found out about this, the first thing I did was have him looked at and pray he wasn't cursed like this."

"They keep pushing me and pushing me since then. No you can't talk. I think I should just shut down. As bad as it is, those pills make things worse. When we had sex I felt normal. I feel like Jesse is better than those pills. They won't admit it but I think they know that they go away when something like that happens. Maybe they actually don't want to be here. Maybe the diagnosis was wrong and it's all me. It was just me and Jesse that night and after. They were just there when he rejected me and I didn't have control. Just like the date he took me on tonight. I had a good time and no voices. I was hoping he would give up when I didn't get dressed for it and I admit I kinda wanted him to work for it. I can't believe he dressed me like that. I didn't want to fight back and make him mad. I think we were both nervous. For some reason I just stayed shut down. He was so sweet telling that woman we were a couple, I know he was trying to give me a good time and I had one. It's hard to undo what I've been doing.

I see him trying and maybe he'll feel how I feel. I know it's supposed to be wrong, we all know that. But it's not going to hurt anybody. It doesn't erase how I feel. If I could stop and love somebody else I would, but I can't. I tried over and over. One thing I learned with all this is that I truly am in love with Jesse, my own son. I'm going to try and talk to him. Force myself to do it."

Jesse now understood her more than he ever did. All the things she struggled to, or couldn't say. He went through passages in the beginning of the book to find she started writing it to record what was happening to her when the signs started showing.

"So I can see how hard Damon is taking this but he's trying. Everything was fine for a while, I'm on some meds that should work better. I hope they do so we can keep our normal life..."

"I'm about four months pregnant and they told me I might need to not take my pills for the baby's sake..."

"Things are getting really weird. I don't like this. I'm getting right back on these pills after Jesse is born..."

"Damon hit me. I was just trying to explain something. Was that me talking?..."

"I'm trying to hold it together, so I forget here and there. Remember not to slip up at this party tonight so Damon doesn't need to talk to us..."

Jesse took a break from reading to clear his mind after reading so much of what was going on when he was a kid, it started to piss him off even more.

"She really is going through some stuff."

Jesse made himself a lunch, grabbed a beer, tried to watch some tv, but he kept thinking about it all. The journal begged to be read more, his curiosity gotten the better of him, that no distraction would deter. After eating and with another beer, he picked the book up and read more.

--

It was late in the afternoon when Gwen came home, she was going to do her best to explain herself and mend whatever relationship they had. She walked in the door and found him sleep with three empty beer bottles.

"Maybe I should let him sleep. Wait... is that my...?"

Jesse nearly jumped off the couch when she yelled his name. "Mo—Gwen—hey welcome home! You're talking to me again? Great!"

She bent down to grab her journal and he pulled her in a hug that made her plop on the couch.

"Why did you read my journal," she demanded, still surprised from the hug.

"I didn't know you were going through so much, mom. I should've had more patience and listened."

She scoffed and tried to get free. "Now you care, huh? After what you did‽"

"That's right."

"Regardless of everything, you've been a shitty son."

"I know."

"You read this, our—my private thoughts and think you get it all‽"

"No and that's why I need my mom to explain it."

"I am your—"

"No, Gwen is my mom. You're not real. You're not my Gwen."

She hugged him back as tight as she could.

"I'm not Damon, I don't wanna hurt you again."

"I know. I know you don't," she whispered.

"If you wanna talk, I promise I won't get mad. Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry for how I've been with you."

"Mom." He let go. "I kinda understand that. Look at me."

She did as told.

"Last night was okay. I didn't die. You know we can't be boyfriend and girlfriend, we're mother and son."

"I get that, but—"

"We just can't." His voice was firm, then soft. "But it's not like we can't pretend sometimes. If that's what helps."

"When you say pretend...?"

"Dates like last night, for starters. But promise me something?"

"Yeah?"

"Please stop being so pushy with me."

"I promise. I'll try not to."

"Thanks mom."

"Jesse...?"

"I still feel weird calling you by your name... okay, at least at home."

"I want to know if you're feeling the same way I am?" She held his hand.

"I don't know."

"I know that... it's weird... and... it's taboo. Just know that you're not like me, so hopefully you didn't get that from me either and it's something you actually feel—not saying that because I want it. Honestly... what would it really hurt? Who? We have no friends, might as well have no family. Would it be the end if the world to love your old momma?"

"You did give me those dreams."

"I did not. I don't have a clue about making people dream, or if it's even possible. I'm curious... but I won't ask."

He smiled. "They were enjoyable as far as nightmares go. Do you dream about me?*

"I'm not answering that since your sex dreams about me were nightmares." She looked away.

"Gwen...?"

"Nope."

"But you love it when I say your name," he sung.

She sighed. "I don't think I ever dreamed sex dreams about you, the dreams I have—I guess you haven't found my dream journal? Best way I can describe them; you had to be there... ehhh... some of them you wouldn't. I've daydreamed about you, though."

"And masturbated?"

"...yes..." She blushed a little.

"This almost feels like a normal conversation," he stated.

"Does it? Even with the incest?"

"Not that. In general. Feels like our old conversations—now that I think about it; when you're on your meds... they don't feel all that normal."

"Because my brains barely functioning. Sure it shuts up the voices, but it's a bit of friendly fire, Jesse."

"How is... up there?"

"I'm not hearing a whole lot right now. I feel—starting to feel like my old self."

"Good." He nodded.

"So... when you were dressing me yesterday, it looked like you wanted to do something else."

"I was kinda nervous touching you, sure we had drunk sex, and it shouldn't have, but it did... weird, I know. I guess it's because of that dream I had where I... had sex with you to make you talk."

"Oh...?"

"This is embarrassing but I kinda, maybe sorta thought about doing it for real."

"I'd have done more than talk, I promise."

He laughed. "Hopefully not sound like my phones alarm clock."

"I can't promise it wouldn't be close."

He laughed again, she gave a warm smile.

"This actually feels... right... I don't know why."

"Don't worry about the why... and don't think too hard about it all. Seems like you already have your toe in the pool."

"Maybe."

"Well what's your heart tells you? I'm going to start dinner." She patted his thigh and got up.

--

They did what they typically did; plopped in front of the tv, watching their shows. Jesse took the plates and things to the kitchen, once he was back on the couch, he swung an arm around her and pulled her close where she eventually fell asleep.

"Mom... wake up." He shook her gently.

"Hmmm?"

"Let's get you to bed, m'kay? C'mon."

"I'm comfortable," she moaned with other undecipherable things.

"No... bed, mom."

"Fine." She struggled to get up.

He guided her stumble to her bedroom, where she was ready to just crash out.

"Not in your clothes, mom. I know you probably had a stressful day with your head and all... but hopefully it's over like you said."

"You're my cure," she mumbled.

He took it on himself to undress her, and found it was somewhat easier than the first time, despite her being a ragdoll. He pulled her top off and then her bra, in no real hurry, he actually rather enjoyed it, and the sneaky touches on her breast. He pulled her shoes and pencil skirt away, and missed no moment to touch her butt and thighs, with her panties left on.

"On the fence my ass, Jesse. You're lying to yourself," she mumbled.

"What's that?"

"Ya heard me, Jesse boy. Touch me if you're gonna... all dat pokin' an proddin' is annoyin'."

He reached up and grabbed her breast fully.

"Mmmm... ain't that better, yeah?"

"Good night, Gwen." He started off to his bedroom.

--

That conversation between them stuck in his mind and he felt good about it, felt good that things might be a little more normal than they have been, ever have been, perhaps the better term is more than normal. Was he really her cure and was he really lying to himself? An attraction to Gwen had been tugging at his subconscious for quite some time. Those thoughts and those dreams swirled in his head, the more he thought, the less he cared for how wrong society deemed it, yet it was hard to just come to terms despite what his heart spoke of, his mind was mixed and there was still guilt lingering.

Jesse came home to Gwen already in her house clothes, cooking. Something panged within him; how oddly attractive she was in old sweatpants, an over sized t-shirt, and slides. He just stood and watched.

"Hi Jesse, I'm almost done. You can go on and get comfortable."

He just stared until she turned around.

"Mission control to Jesse. Are you okay?"

"Huh? Yeah... yeah, I'm okay." He blinked a few times. "Uhh how was work?"

"Better than usual. Yours?"

"Good... good." He nodded. "How about your... uhhh... head... stuff?"

"Same as last night, just me up there."

"Good, good, that's good."

She gave him a smile and went back to her cooking.

"Is this how she normally is, or supposed to be? I thought she would be all over me, or something, but she's acting so casual like nothing happened between us," he said to himself as he watched her cook.

Gwen noticed he was standing there still. "Jesse? Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Are you just gonna stand there until a fly lands in your mouth?"

"What? No." He quickly went to his room.

Jesse stripped down and prepared the shower. Along with everything else, her demeanor has added another variable. He wasn't expecting her to be so calm, almost expecting her to simply trying to throw him off before trying something like trying to sneak in the shower again. The thought of her pressed to his back turned him on, with her leaving little kisses on his back. When he finished, had made the choice of simply boxers, socks, and slides, to join her and find out what she might do.

"I thought the food would get cold before you came out."

"Nope. Here I am." He sat next to her.

As they ate and watched tv, he kept looking at her every so often, to the point she started to notice.

"Are you sure you're okay, Jesse? You've been acting kinda weird."

"Me? You're the one acting weird."

"How, this is the old me."

"I just thought after last night, maybe... ah dunno."

She glanced in his direction. "That'd I'd be all Pepe LePew on you?"

"I... guess...?"

"I thought you didn't like any of that?"

"I didn't think I did? I was kinda used to it?"

"I don't mind, if that's what you want."

"It's just I've been thinking about all of this and I know you want this. I'm just not sure how to go about starting things. I thought you'd take lead."

"I did promise I wouldn't be pushy. I don't want to be pushy. I guess start slow in your comfort zone. It's not like before."

"That's true."

"You could start with a kiss and go from there and stop trying to hold back when you know what you really want."

"I refused to believe it, but I did start to find you attractive a while ago. Pretty hard to deny when you were shoving it in my face. You... umm... don't have to stop shoving it in my face."

She laughed a little.

"Okay, so I'm a little nervous." He went back to eating.

"You don't need to be nervous. I'm not tricking you and I'm not some random girl. Think of it as me... getting the payout on my investment."

The desire had been growing on him, after everything what was a kiss? The worst she would do is not let him, but he knew she wouldn't deny him. Jesse was just going to go for it, deep down he wanted his Gwen all the same.

With mustered nerves, "Mom". He faced her.

"Hmm," she answered with a mouth full of food.

Jesse leaned in and planted his lips on hers, the kiss just lasted a few seconds, but he was fine with it. Gwen suppressed a laugh long enough to swallow.

"Oh, you were still eating. Sorry."

"No, no." She tried to hold back her laughter. "It's fine, have your moment, you just caught me off guard."

"I guess I should've waited for a better moment."

"Try again, I'm ready, I can kiss back now."

"You were laughing."

"I couldn't help it, you were so cute and awkward. C'mon kiss me again." She turned to face him.

Jesse scooted closer, leaned in for another kiss and when she kissed back, he suddenly didn't want to stop, but willed himself to pull back rather slow and reluctant.

"Jesse... you took my breath away." She held a hand up to her chest.

"I'm not that good of a kisser."

"I've wanted you to kiss me like that for so long. I love you."

"I love you too."

Gwen gave him a sultry smile. "I know, baby, I can tell."

He followed her eyes to the tent he pitched.

"Do you... want me to... take care of that?"

"I don't know if I'm ready to do that again," he replied with uncertainty.

"I won't make you do anything you don't want." She went to finish her food.

The thought of getting head from her again, didn't help his situation, on top of wanting to keep making out with her, but he decided to wait until they were done before making another move. She took everything to the kitchen and upon her return, she got comfortable and cuddled up next to him with her legs tucked on the couch.

"This okay?"

"It's more than okay." He went to kiss her again. "It feels like it's supposed to be."

"It does, doesn't it?"

"Did dad ever make you feel this way?"

"In the beginning when he thought his love had no limits. Then he was not the help he thought he was, or that I needed."

"I'm gonna do my best for you, okay?"

"It's all I ask."

"When I start college, are you going to be okay since I won't be living here?"

"Are you going to come see me?"

"It's just across town, I don't see why I wouldn't. Maybe I'll come home on the weekends. Depending on the dorm situation, maybe you can come visit. But in the mean time... let's just worry about this." He turned her head and kissed her.

Gwen readjusted herself and ended up on top of him. The tv show ignored as they kissed, his hands caressed her back, under her shirt. Her knee slipped, she grabbed him and both went tumbling to the floor.

"That was fun," he groaned. "You okay?"

"I'll live." She sat up and pulled him back into a kiss.

Jesse wasn't going to protest. Her personality just turned him on more, she wasn't bothered by falling, she didn't care how she looked outside of work, she was easy going. There they were, making out on the floor, she looked like a hot mess and loved it.

"I feel like a teenager! I need to feel you so bad." She pulled her shirt off and hugged him with a sigh. "Much better. Thank you for this... I'm so happy."

Jesse liked the contact and held her warm body tighter.

"Maybe you can take care of that... just not on the floor."

"You sure? I'm perfectly okay with just cuddling all night."

"Yeah, I'm just fooling myself with this waiting thing... I don't wanna wait."