One More Sunset Pt. 05

"She seemed nervous, and we were still getting to know each other. Savannah really, um, trusted me I suppose."

"I think so. Do you feel like you're betraying that trust by being here today?"

"I guess I hadn't thought about that."

The room's beige and plain walls made me uncomfortable. I wished there was any color to the room. I fidgeted with my nails.

"Are you embarrassed about the nails?"

"What? Oh, these long and very feminine nails? Only a lot actually. It's going to be a long month with these on."

"I think they look lovely, and I'm sure that most people would agree. What makes you so uncomfortable about having them? Do you have people in your life that will judge you for these?"

"Nobody that I know would care. They'd tease me of course at first, but after a day they wouldn't give it much thought." I curled my fingers and looked at how nice they looked all lined up. "I guess I'm not really uncomfortable by them."

"Then why did you just make a statement that seems like it will be a hassle to you by having those manicured nails?"

"Um, I guess, I don't know exactly."

"That's fine. That's what we are here to work on. Today I just want you to ask yourself some questions, and if you don't know the answers, then hopefully you just keep asking yourself the questions until you find the answers. Can we talk about Savannah for a minute?"

"Go ahead."

"She seems like a lovely girl."

That word again. Lovely. She had used it to describe my nails. Was she genuine?

"What if Savannah came to you today, and said she was no longer interested in this crossdressing? Maybe she said she just didn't want to do it anymore? What would your reaction be?"

"I'd support her and go along with it."

"Go along with it? Like, you're pretending?"

"No, I mean... I'd be with her and support her decision."

"Support her decision to have you reprise the role of a more masculine image in her life? It seems like she would be supporting you."

"To some extent, I follow you, but she was vulnerable to me once, and I want to make her feel safe to say things like that to me again."

"So, you came to me with turmoil about Savannah's insecurities? That's a fairly protective thing to do."

I assumed that was sarcasm. "No, I didn't come here for her."

"I don't mean to be blunt and sound harsh toward you or Savannah, but let me say this sentence clearly, as I also don't want to waste your time. Evan, you have started actively crossdressing for your partner, and you seem to have some very real and very emotionally exhausting conflict within you. I don't blame you. There's a lot to unpack there at large, but we can get there as we go. Can I ask you something personal?"

"Go ahead."

"Are you currently wearing women's clothes at all? You don't have to be specific on what you are wearing."

I didn't want to admit it. "I am."

"And does it feel different than normal clothes? For large groups of people, there is a very natural feeling of arousal by being in the clothes of those we are attracted to. Young women love wearing their partner's hoodies as a sense of safety and security. For some men, there is a connection to the way they perceive women, thus that feeling becomes mirrored onto themselves. There's no shame in any attraction to it from a sexual nature."

"Okay, that's good to know. But I don't really get a sexual feeling from it. At least not all the time."

"What feeling would you describe it as?"

"Sometimes there's a sexual feeling with it, but sometimes, it just feels more natural. No that's the wrong word. Savannah described it once by saying it's just 'normal,' and that's the word that's been going around in my head for a few weeks now. It feels normal, and then when I have to change clothes and leave her place, I start to feel like a face. After I leave, and even now, I sorta feel like I'm acting."

"Let's do a mental experiment for a moment. Close your eyes, and I'm going to paint a scenario for you. I'll give you two choices, and I want you to answer candidly."

"Alright."

"Imagine your long day of schoolwork is done on campus, and you're coming home. Would you prefer to come home to your own place where nobody else is, or one where a partner is?"

"The one with Savannah."

"You walk through the door, and your partner is somewhere at home already. Do you prefer to come home to the smell of food already being prepared for dinner, or do you want to cook for yourself?"

"I guess it depends on the day. Can that be the answer?

Dr. Moira laughed. "Sure, it can. Its time to unwind. Whether you're reading a book, or maybe you watch a movie. As you are now and have been the last few weeks, would you prefer to be dressed as a man, or dressed as a woman?"

"Being completely honest, I would want to be dressed as a woman."

"Thank you for being honest with me and yourself. Today you're dressed as a man, but when you left Savannah's apartment today, did you have some regret about dressing as a man?"

"To some extent."

"You can open your eyes, Evan." The beige claimed my sight.

---

"Evan, honey? I love you; you can tell me anything."

My body struggled to work, and every word I had ever spoken now seemed to be coming from the wrong person.

"I'm fine. I think I'm just a little hungover still from yesterday." I sipped at the glass of water and asked, "So what's tonight all about? I'm dying to hear about your day."

Savannah's body language shifted to some dead tongue that hadn't been heard aloud in centuries. She gulped back some wine. "Well, its sorta a long story."

"Believe it or not, we might be here for a minute."

"Well, my boss wanted to talk to me today, and we had a pretty interesting conversation."

"Don't just tease me. What about?"

"Just in case you decide to blast this info to the entire world, you didn't hear it from me. Mr. Wolfe is going to retire at Christmas."

"The old man? He was really nice when I met him there."

"Yeah, he was telling me that he is just getting too old for it, so he is going to retire to some extent. He'll still be working behind the scenes."

"So, we came here to toast his well-earned retirement?"

"Not exactly... As he retires, Mr. Wolfe asked me if I would be interested in a little promotion."

"Oh shit!" I covered my mouth and lowered my voice. "Oh shit," I whispered, "So what's the title? Manager? Womanager? Slicer of Lives?"

Savannah sipped her wine to add a dramatic pause.

"Don't leave me hanging here." She smiled and reached across the table and motioned for me to hold her hands. I loved seeing my nails and her nails intertwined.

Slowly, she said, "Mr. Wolfe asked me to be a co-owner, and literally learn how to run the entire thing."

I mouthed, "Shut the fuck up!"

She mouthed back, "I KNOW!"

We both silently cheered at the table.

Savannah continued, "So then I texted you. After work I went to the mall and grabbed this snazzy piece."

"Oh my gosh I didn't even take it in! Stand up for me. Do a little spin!"

"I'm not doing a dance for you here!"

"You're a freaking co-owner! You've earned a dance! Come on! I want to see my beautiful girlfriend show off her body and new dress." Savannah stood up and did a little twirl, which made the sparkles from the dress create a disco ball effect on the walls. "I love it! You look wonderful, honey!"

"Thank you," she said as she sat down. Savannah's smile slipped from her face, and she awkwardly started to stammer out, "Evan. Um, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, for sure."

"Why did you lie about being in class today? I wasn't stalking you or anything, but I happened to see Kate today at the mall, and she said you weren't in class at almost the exact second you texted me about having been in class. Did I do something? Is there something I can do to help? I don't know what's happening, but I don't want this to end, so if I need to change something, we can change anything. If you see what I'm getting at?"

"Oh. I um."

"Welcome to Avanti's Italian Dinners, have you had a moment to look at the menus?"

Our waitress could not have picked a worse time to show up. "Can you give us five minutes?"

"Of course!" She vanished into the busy room.

"Savannah, I'm sorry I lied to you, but I actually had a pretty interesting day for myself, and I wasn't going to tell you about it at first. Maybe later, but I was going to tell you."

"What happened?"

"The school has therapy available for students, so I signed up for a session and spent a bit of the day talking to someone."

"Oh God." Savannah put her head in her hands. "If you want to break up, can we just go? I don't want to do this here."

"Woah woah woah. No not at all! Hey, Savannah, actually, lets leave either way. What do you say about ordering a really greasy pizza and vegging out on the couch tonight. We can talk there?"

Savannah looked up and her mascara was starting to run.

"I've never wanted to do that more in my life."

---

November 1^st, Savannah and Evan's Final Night:

I sat on the couch with Evan next to me, and a story came to me from one of our first nights together. Evan had just read a fascinating theory about the limits of space, and he was explaining it to me, as this idea had been jumping around in his mind for days until that point.

"The story starts like this: There's this guy, and he is up in front of a large lecture hall of scholars. He sets his binder down on the podium, and he addresses the crowd with a question. Is space, with its heavenly bodies and physical limits, infinite? Before giving them even a moment to think on the question, the man says no with a confidence that makes some people chuckle, but he adds to this saying that he can prove it with a simple thought experiment.

"Infinity is something too grand for our minds to comprehend, but we know that there are only so many things within our universe, be it planets, stars, moons. There are only so many heavenly bodies in our universe, and inversely, there can only be so many places for them to go off and exist within. If space was infinite, he said that we as a people would already know it is infinite because our sky would be white, and not black.

"Imagine our sky at night. The stars are tiny little white dots that create light in the darkness, but there are only so many lights. If our universe was infinite, thus infinite heavenly bodies would exist. After a certain number of bodies existing, eventually they would exist enough to cover our entire skyline with light, so eventually at night, given enough heavenly bodies, our sky would be white, but it isn't. The black holes of our night sky exist as a definitive proof that there are a limited number of things within space."

I had said, "That doesn't make any sense, but I'm glad you're so passionate about it."

Now, we sat together in silence, and neither one of us wanted to break the silence. Instead, we picked at greasy slices of pizza, and a bottle of rum was being passed back and forth. We hadn't spoken outside of pleasantries for most of the night. Anytime I started to speak, I was terrified that it would be one sentence closer to a break-up. There was probably movie scene resembling two emotionally blunted people dressed in formal attire eating terrible food on a couch, but I couldn't figure out what movie scene this reminded me of.

"Savannah are you ready to talk?"

I almost passed out as he broke the silence. At the restaurant, Evan had said he wasn't breaking up with me, but I couldn't figure out why else he might have lied to me. The time was now though. I needed to push through.

"Okay, so you went to therapy?"

"Yeah. It was... fun, and ultimately, I think it did a lot of good. The lady I spoke to asked me a lot of good questions, and we talked about a lot of things. We talked about how you and I had, delved into crossdressing, and my nails, and growing my hair out long."

"I promise you, Evan, if its all too much, we can just get rid of all the clothes and go back to you and me."

"Just hold on. Slow down a second," Evan laughed and put his hand on my leg. "I don't know what the next steps are going to be with you and me, but I want them to be forward-moving. These last few months have been great, but they've been fast, and I started asking myself a lot of questions as we were doing this stuff." Evan motioned around broadly. I always thought it was cute that when he tried to explain things, he waved his hands around as if that helped.

"Questions? What kind of questions are you asking?" I was about to die if this was the 'I'm gay' speech.

"Can we test something out for this month? Maybe, float it in the waters with you and me here. It's a big ask, and it will completely redefine us going forth, but if we never try it, I'll never know."

"Evan, you can ask me anything."

He took my hand in his, and I pulled it to my mouth and kissed the back of his hand.

"I know it's only been two months, but there's something real between us, right?"

"Evan, I love you. I want to be with you, and I will support you with whatever you want from me."

"Because two months is too fast to ask this of you. I won't even sugar coat it. This isn't fair to ask you at all."

"Evan. What do you want?"

"I don't want to be Evan."

I leaned back slightly, and I waited for him to continue, but he didn't. He sat there and looked at the floor like he was in trouble.

"Not want to be Evan?"

"I uh... at the party. Everyone had joked, and said that I was Evelynn. I don't know how else to say it, but that's it."

I didn't know what to say.

We both sat in silence for a minute. I wanted to say that I was thinking, but my mind was blank. There were no bright spots to map my thoughts. It was literally blank.

"Savannah?"

"Hmm?"

"Will you say something?"

"I, well, um." Words stopped working.

"Um, okay." My eyes noticed Evan wipe a tear away from his eyes, but I wasn't in the room to see it. "How about we just watch a movie, or I can just go or something. Yeah, I can just go for the night. We can forget about this. It was nothing. Honestly, this was just some dumb joke or whatever." Evan let go of my hand and stood up quickly, and he made his way to the door, but my body was frozen. It was as if a bomb had gone off in my hand, but I had been the one to start the countdown clock. Suddenly, Evan was at the door, and I watched it close as I was alone.

"Wait," I mumbled. My body came back to life piece by piece, and I must have stood up, because I was suddenly moving across the room. I was stumbling as I walked, or perhaps I occasionally walked through my stumbles. "Wait," I said, this time a little louder. I felt my voice waver, and I realized I was crying. There were warm tears coming down my cheeks. "Wait!" I said again as I opened the door, but the hallway was empty. I left it open as I felt my feet move me further down the hall. I turned and saw the shape of Evan waiting near the elevator. It was fast, or maybe it was slow and my mind was only realizing I was there in a flash of forgotten movements. I grabbed him, and I pulled him to me, and he was sobbing. "Don't leave me," I said, "Don't you do that to me."             

"I'm sorry," Evan said as he cried, "I'm sorry."

"Hey, look at me," I pulled his chin up and looked into broken eyes. I had never felt the way I did in that moment before, and I suspected I would never feel that way again. I never said the words, but it felt like a farewell. "I love you." I was kissed hard, and I broke off to add one word, "Evelynn."

---

"So, what are the rules, babe?" I sat on the couch with a pint of ice cream in one hand, and the spoon in the other, licking the cookies and cream off in between bites. Top Secret was playing on the television, but it was almost muted. Oversized sweatpants, no bra, big shirt. Man, my life was so good sometimes.

Evelynn sat next to me, and he- SHE, sipped on rum as she laughed at the visual gags in the movie. "No clue," she said. "I don't really have a training manual for this."

As we spoke, long gaps existed where we just sat together in a comfortable silence.

"Okay, how about we make the rules then. Grab your phone and jot these in the notes as we figure it out. Let's set a date, and until then, you're Evelynn in these walls and to me all the time."

"The first day of December?"

"You tell me."

"I'm putting it in my phone. December 1^st." Her nails clicked against the phone as she tapped on the keyboard.

"Okay, what do you want to do then? Its pretty easy for me to call you Evelynn, but what's changing?" I was mildly shocked to see how Evelynn seemed to be more focused on the movie, but maybe that was what she needed then. A mild distraction.

"I don't really know. I guess I want to just try this out, but I feel like we've already been doing most of it." Evelynn sat up and looked at me to say, "Thank you for testing this with me."

"You're welcome, Evelynn."

"Savannah, um. I wanted to ask you something else. You aren't a lesbian, so what if I still like being Evelynn in a month? Then what happens?"

My throat closed up a little, and I tried to answer candidly, "Well, if we are being truthful, then I can't say with a 100% truthful response that I'm not a lesbian. I mean, I really like having sex with emasculated men." And there was truth to that. The idea of feminizing Evan into Evelynn was driving me wild, but now wasn't the time to bring that up.

"And you've never been with a woman?"

"Outside of truth or dare in high school, I've never done more than a kiss. Not even a tongue."

"Okay," Evelynn laid back down and watched the television.

"Let's cross that bridge when we get there. Maybe there's more to this than we know."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, you think you might be transgender. Which again, I'm happy to support you with, but maybe you aren't. Maybe you just like being feminized. That's as normal as feeling trans, I think? Did you talk to your therapist about that?"

"Not really, but even then, she never really suggested that I was transgender. She just asked me questions and let me come to whatever conclusion I found."

"Well, what about sex?" I asked with worry to the answer.

"What about it?"

"I mean, do you want to still have sex with me?"

Evelynn turned and smiled at me, "Of course I do. I might be transgender, but I didn't just stop loving women."

"Oh great, so you're a lesbian too!" I laughed and hit her on the arm with my spoon. "Well, what do you say? Want to go consummate your first lesbian night of sex?"

She sat up and looked at me with lust like I'd never seen before.

"Only one thing," I added. "I bought something, and I want to test it out on you tonight."

---

The strap-on was nearly the same size as Evelynn's dick was, so to say it was above average was modest. Nine inches was a lot for a first time.

"When the hell did you get this?" Evelynn held it in her hands and her voice trembled.

"On my way to work today, I stopped by one of those adult stores on the other end of town. After last night, I figured you might want one of your own. Plus, this one has a fun little addition." I grabbed it out of her hands and showed the hole in the end of the shaft. "It comes with a hole in it, and a pipe here. I can pump your own cum into it if you want to try that."

Within minutes, we were making out on top of one another, and it felt so different. Evelynn felt fuller in my hands. Her body was mapped the same, but this time, she held me so much more gently. The words seemed to escape me, because every time she went to nibble on my ear, I got a little more wet. I had to brace myself that I wasn't going to be getting her dick tonight. I'd have to rely on an old friend in my nightstand tonight. That didn't stop her from gaining a raging hard on immediately, but she kept it tucked in her silk panties. I could tell she wanted me to grab it, but I wanted to treat her like a woman tonight. As much as this was her first lesbian encounter, I needed to start vetting this to see if this was something I might want in a month's time. Lifelong partnerships had never been something on my radar, but Evan had been different. My troubles with men had always found me alone the next morning, even the times I had never tried any feminization on them. Evan was the first in almost guy a year that hadn't left me empty the next day. Again, I still didn't see us lasting for too long until recently, but something about Evan had me wanting what we had forever. It had been a long time since romance had caused anything more than sparks to fly. To say that Evelynn had huge shoes to fill was an understatement. That being said, she still new how to make me wet like nobody ever had before.