One More Year Ch. 14

It might have been easier if he'd been less mature about it. But he'd acknowledged my feelings and accepted my choice, and it kind of felt like that was exactly the correct response.

I really wanted to give him another chance. But the practical part of me knew it was a bad idea, and even the more reckless, impulsive part of my mind couldn't figure out a pathway to go back on what I'd just said. So for once I'd locked myself into a what seemed like a good decision.

Something about his story still didn't sit right with me, and after wondering about it for a second, I realised what it was. I looked over at him. "So, what's changed?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've done this before." I shrugged. "Are you going to do it again?"

"No, I won't. I'm better now. I'm not going to let my dad run my life."

"Did you come out to your mom?"

He grimaced. "No, not yet. I want to, but I'm just not quite ready yet to tell her I'm bi."

"You're calling yourself bi now?"

"Yeah, is that a problem?"

"I just thought you hated labels."

"Oh, yeah. I think I'm like... Happy to subscribe to it now, if it's easier for people to understand. I can use it, without it defining me, you know?"

"Yeah, kind of." I smiled, a little surprised. "I think that's a good way to think of it."

"Thanks." He shook his head. "I've been talking to Louis a lot since... Yeah. He's very good at giving advice."

"Yeah," I said. "He's been around for me a lot lately."

"He's a great guy." He sighed and looked away.

"He is." I sipped absently on my hot chocolate, and we spent another few moments in complete silence.

Eric seemed different. A lot less confident, and more jittery. It was almost making me nervous, and I didn't know what I was supposed to say to make him relax. But a voice in my head shut that line of thought down, because it meant I'd started to care - at least a bit - again. It wasn't my job any more to make Eric comfortable. I felt bad for him, but I wasn't about to let myself feel responsible.

"Jay..." He sighed. "I am trying, you know. To be a better person."

I nodded. "Yeah, I can see that. That's good."

"Thanks."

"I think I might go now, if that's okay." I got out my wallet. "I just need a bit of time."

"Yeah, of course. Put that away." He waved his hand. "I'll cover the hot chocolate. I'm the one who dragged you out here."

"Okay. Thanks."

"No problem." He stood up, and reached out to hug me.

I might have kissed him at that point, if he'd tried. There was just something about the contact - smelling his scent, feeling his body pressed against mine - that sent me right back. It was like I had been transported back in time, and nothing bad had ever happened between us. But I carefully held my face away from his, he let me go. The moment, if there even had been one, passed.

"Okay, bye." I tried to make my smile convincing.

His wasn't. "Bye."

I got in my car and drove home. I still wasn't sure how I was feeling. Or, rather, I still wasn't sure why I wasn't feeling more. I thought I'd either get enraged at him, the way I'd been when we'd broken up, or that I'd be longing for him so much that I wouldn't be able to help myself.

But I was still feeling something - a little annoyed, a little sad and a little confused - so it wasn't as if I'd gone numb or anything. It was just massively underwhelming. I messaged Louis immediately once I got back, giving him the rough details.

[Well that's good]

[Do you think you guys will get back together?]

______________[No.]

______________[I don't know.]

______________[I'm not sure I'm willing to risk it, you know?]

[Yeah, I get it]

[I made a similar choice.]

______________[Yeah.]

[But you're going to try being friends?]

______________[I did offer that, I guess.]

[Would it be okay if I invited him to movies on Friday?]

______________[Sure.]

______________[Mel might have... thoughts.]

[I'll deal with Mel]

[I don't want to invite him if it's going to make you feel awkward, though.]

[I just won't if it's even going to slightly ruin your night.]

______________[No, I'll be fine.]

______________[I really don't mind.]

______________[I said I'd be his friend, and that's probably easier in a group setting anyway.]

[Okay]

[Then I'll invite him, right?]

______________[Yes. Good.]

[Thanks]

[I'm going to be doing moderation at your school after prelims, so this kind of feels like the last few weeks of real high school for me.]

[I just don't want all my friends awkward and fighting right at the end.]

[That would suck.]

______________[Yeah.]

______________[Well, I promise to behave.]

______________[And I'll tell Ellie to be nice.]

[She's always nice]

______________[To you, maybe.]

[Well, I'm always nice too]

______________[Hahah. That's true.]

______________[Okay, I'm off to bed.]

______________[Night.]

[Night]

***

We went to the movies that Friday, like we were always going to, but things definitely got tense when Eric arrived. Melissa and John were openly hostile, although Vince managed to occupy them and soften the tense atmosphere slightly - as Eric's best friend, it had been a while since they'd seen him too.

Sara was overcompensating, because she seemed to feel responsible for John's behaviour, and Ellie was doing such a good job of being polite that I was the only one who could probably tell she was fake-laughing every time.

"Yikes." Louis said, as he, Ellie and I made our way to the concessions stand.

Everyone else had already eaten, but Ellie and I'd had to go to her brother's birthday party at her house, so we were only joining for the movie. Louis had come with us for no apparent reason. I suspected he just needed a break from the tension.

"Mel and John don't mess around, do they?" Ellie asked.

"No." Louis sighed, sounding tense and worried.

"They'll cool down, right?" I asked.

"I hope so." He shrugged.

The line was short, and I quickly got my popcorn and drink, and Ellie got her chocolate.

"Don't mention Jess." Louis said quietly as we walked back to the group.

"Why not?" Ellie asked. "Where is she, anyway?"

"I don't think we'll see Jess again." I whispered. Ellie's eyes went wide and she pursed her lips, but we'd reached the group, so she didn't respond.

The whole thing was a little hard to watch. Louis and Vince were working so hard to try and make everyone get along, but Melissa was clearly not convinced. She warmed to Vincent, but it became clear that it was going to be a while before Eric could be around her again. A lot of John's earlier behaviour now made sense. When Eric had been gone, I'd seen John open up to the group, but now he'd shut down again. He only talked to people one-on-one, and avoided ever addressing Eric directly.

Ellie and Sara were probably doing the best to smooth things over, the easy chatter of their long-standing friendship filling any awkward silences. I was trying to be helpful, chatting pleasantly with Eric when I could - to show there were no hard feelings there - and chatting with Louis a lot to try and enforce a sense of normalcy. It was exhausting, and a feeling of tension persisted anyway.

It was a little easier after the movie, when we'd all gone back to Sara's house to lounge around the beach again. Everyone could branch out into smaller groups that worked - Vincent, Eric and Louis played in the sand, Melissa and John sat near the house in camp chairs talking quietly.

Ellie, Sara and I had arranged ourselves around the fire. I hadn't been back here since the night of Louis' birthday, and I had to fight off my nostalgia about how great that night was. Especially if I was going to have any chance of behaving reasonably around Eric.

Vince, as usual, decided at a certain point that it was time for another foray into the water, and went around gathering people. Ellie and Sara both got up to go, but I stayed put. Melissa and John also declined, and when Vince, Eric, Ellie and Sara made their way down to the water, Louis didn't join them. He came to sit down next to me.

"I think it's going well." I said.

"What?" he asked. "Oh, yeah. The Eric thing."

"Melissa hasn't killed him yet, so that's good."

"The night's still young." He laughed. "You okay?"

"Yeah, of course." I said. "You?"

"Well..." He stared into the fire, but shook his head. "No, never mind."

"Tell me." I turned towards him. "Please."

"It's just..." He sighed "It's a little stupid, after all this effort I've put in to get him back in the group. But... I'm still a little annoyed with Eric."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, he stopped talking to me during the whole thing too."

"Oh." I felt a flare of annoyance at Eric. I didn't realise Louis would have felt it that much, but it made sense. "Sorry. I didn't realise."

"I didn't want to whine." He shrugged. "You were the one dealing with an actual breakup."

"I suppose. But still, that's fucked up."

"Yeah. It just kind of brought back when we broke up." He shook his head. "Don't get me wrong, I'm very much over that. It's just... it kind of makes his line about it being his 'own, personal thing' sound like bullshit, right? I was just his friend this time round. Our relationship should have had nothing to do with his sexuality, other than that we have it in common. But, you know, he makes that decision and then he can't talk to me because I'm gay. It didn't feel great. If I came out to someone, and they ditched me for it, I would stop being friends with them unless they apologised, you know?"

"Yeah."

"Shit, sorry. I probably shouldn't have said that." He grimaced. "I don't want to influence what you're thinking about him right now... you know."

"No, it's fine. I don't think it changes anything." I sighed. "To be honest, I think I already know exactly how I feel."

"Right." He stared back into the fire, and went quiet.

I hadn't really made that realisation consciously until I'd acknowledged it to Louis. The more I saw of Eric, the more it was becoming apparent to me that I no longer felt the same way. Part of what had drawn me to him in the first place was that I thought he'd had something I didn't - the unbridled confidence to be himself, with no regrets and no apologies.

He'd talked about his sexuality sometimes like he was daring you to argue with him. He wouldn't budge for a second on his opinions on which bands were awesome and which ones sucked, or what console or cellphone was better than its competitor. Regardless of the topic, he could debate you for hours on why you were wrong, and he was right.

But all it took was some pressure from his deadbeat dad - and maybe his church buddies - and he was willing to dust aside something so fundamental to himself, something he couldn't change and otherwise didn't even pretend at trying. Pathetic. The word rang out in my head - I couldn't help it. But it was there now, like a burning brand.

I looked over at Louis - he was staring into the fire, completely unaware of my epiphany. Clearly lost in his own thoughts. I cleared my throat. "So he hasn't apologised to you?"

"Um, no." He shrugged. "Not personally. Not about that. I don't think he will. I guess that's okay. It kind of has to be."

I said nothing. Louis had made it too effortless for Eric. Louis was always making everyone around him feel at ease, even if it wasn't the best thing for him. Eric had probably apologised to the group as a whole, for 'causing drama' or something like that. Louis had probably told him to. But no one had been around to tell him Louis might deserve an apology too. It annoyed me - another dark thought to lay at the altar of Eric.

Other people's feelings weren't a priority to him. It reminded me how, after he'd kissed Jess, my feelings didn't matter. Something about all of his apologies felt off to me now. How had he known where he'd gone wrong, when he'd always been so oblivious in the moment?

I looked over at Louis, who only ever wanted his friends to get along. I couldn't ask him if he'd been helping Eric pretend to have a real, working conscience - he'd probably feel awkward about it. But it almost felt like I didn't need to. Caring about the feelings of others, and giving people good advice was just what he did.

He was probably the most trustworthy person I knew.

"Louis." I said quietly.

"Yeah?" He turned towards me, taking a sip of his drink.

"I've been hooking up with another guy."

He started coughing violently.

"Oh no, that poison was meant for Eric." Melissa shouted from her chair. "Sorry Lou!"

He shook his head at her and smiled, thumping his chest slightly and taking some deep breaths. He turned back to me. "Sorry. Oh god, sorry. That looked bad. Rotten timing. I inhaled some beer."

"It's fine." I laughed softly. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good." He took another careful sip of his drink. "So... this guy. Is it serious?"

"Define 'serious'," I said.

"I don't know. Dating, basically."

"Oh, no. He won't even kiss me."

"But if you haven't kissed, then-" He shook his head. "Never mind, stupid question."

"It's weird, right?"

"That he won't kiss you?"

"Yeah."

"I guess." He smiled. "It's pretty much my favourite part."

"I wouldn't go quite that far." I chuckled. "But I do miss it. Plus, it's just bizarre to me that he's had my dick in his mouth, but my tongue is apparently gross."

"Right." Louis blushed.

"Too much info?" I asked.

"Maybe a little."

"Sorry."

"It's okay. And for the record, I'm sure your tongue is fantastic and he's missing out."

"Thanks." I laughed.

"So how long have you been..." He tilted his head to the side and grimaced. "You know, 'doing stuff' with him?"

"Since about... a week into the break."

"Wow, for that long?" He raised his eyebrows. "No wonder you got over Eric so quickly."

"I like to think that was more due to a healthy support system and a rational approach to life."

"Still, the blowjobs can't hurt."

"I've heard they can, if you do them wrong." I snorted.

He laughed softly, and sat back, turning to face me fully. "Do you want it to get serious?"

I thought about that for a second. "Probably not. I like him as a friend, and I find him attractive, but those two things don't really connect. Does that make sense?"

"Well, some people think that romantic love and sexuality can be separated very easily."

"Like Eric."

"Yeah, he's a big proponent of that. I think it could work, for some people. I'm probably not one of them, though."

"Is it bad that I'm doing this?" I asked. "I feel like I should feel more guilty."

"I don't know." He frowned slightly. "If it's making you feel good, and it's not getting in the way of anything else, keep doing it. If it's not making you feel good, or it's getting in the way, then stop."

"Right."

"Hey - this is what you tried to talk to me after we painted the catapults, wasn't it?" He grinned.

"Yeah. Guess I'm not slick."

"No." He grinned. "I hope I'm giving you good advice. I probably tell people what to do too much."

"You're less of a disaster than me, so please always tell me what to do." I laughed. "But seriously, your advice is great. It always makes sense. Whether I'm smart enough to take it is another issue."

He put his hand on my shoulder. "You're smart."

"I can't calculus my way out of this one."

"No, I mean it," he said seriously, shaking me for emphasis. "I get that you think you're good at school and nothing else, but you're a very introspective person, and you know how to think things through, when you try. Give yourself time. You'll figure it out."

"Thanks." I beamed.

"No problem." He smiled, and slowly pulled his hand away. "I'm just going to go double check Mel and John aren't really plotting Eric's murder over there."

"You never know."

"Right?" He grinned broadly.

"Good luck."

He nodded and got up, going over to talk to the two of them. I just sat staring into the fire and thinking about Eric. It didn't seem like I could be anything more than friends with him now, and I was going to have to tell him that. I was still attracted to him, which was the weirdest part. We could probably hook up - like Jamie and I were doing. But I knew Eric would want more, and I couldn't give it to him. Not again.

I almost didn't notice when Ellie settled down next to me again. She delicately leaned her head on my shoulder. "You doing okay?"

I grinned. "That's only the first time you've asked me that tonight."

"You hate being asked that."

"I do." I laughed. "But still. I'm feeling a little unloved."

"Well, sorry." She smiled. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"That didn't sound happy."

"Well, I didn't say I'm happy. I said I'm okay."

She leaned over and hugged me. "At what point do you want to go home?"

"Whenever. I don't really mind."

"You're taking this too well." Ellie brushed her hair back. "I'm going to need you to scream at Eric and make a scene."

"I've kind of been waiting for Mel to go first."

She laughed. "Let's go now then. Yes?"

"Okay."

"Walking or Uber?" she asked.

"Either."

"Walking then. It's still early, and I'm full of energy." She bounced to her feet, and raised her voice. "Jay and I are going home. I'm tired."

"Lame!" Melissa set her drinkdown, slowly getting up and wondering over. She wrapped Ellie in a tight hug.

"I'll walk with you guys." Eric said.

"We were going to catch an Uber." Ellie said quickly, and avoided my gaze when I raised my eyebrows at her.

"Okay, cool, I'll order it." He pulled out his phone.

Melissa and Ellie gave each other a look, and then both looked over at me. I mouthed the word 'I'm fine' and went over to Melissa.

She hugged me. "If he tries to touch you, let me know and I'll kill him."

"Will do. Take care of Louis, okay?"

She fake-scowled at me, and pushed at my shoulder. "Don't tell me how to raise my kid."

I laughed. Louis and Sara came over to hug me, I shook hands with John and Vince, and we made our way up to the road. It was an awkward and quiet walk. I couldn't think of something I wanted to say to Ellie with Eric around. And I felt nervous to say anything at all to Eric in case Ellie read too much into it. She looked as tense as I'd ever seen her.

Fortunately, we didn't have to wait long for the Uber to arrive. Eric got in the front seat, while Ellie curled against me in the back. We got dropped off outside her house, and she stood there for a second, so I hugged her - not something I usually initiated.

"I hope you know what you're doing." She whispered into my ear. I just pulled away and subtly shrugged. Eric and I waved goodnight to her, and she gave me a worried look before heading up the path to her front door. We turned and walked down the road towards my gate.

"So me joining you guys on the way home was... not well-received." Eric grinned.

"That's one way of putting it."

"Sorry, I panicked." He laughed nervously. "It's still kind of tense, and you two were basically half of the people who were trying to be nice to me."

"It's okay. They'll get over it."

"Yeah." He looked over at me. "I also wanted to be alone with you."

As we turned the corner, he stepped towards me and pressed his face against mine. His warmth was intense in the cool night, and my whole face tingled at the contact. His lips were desperate, and searching, and I felt myself beginning to melt at his touch. I ran my hand along the denim jacket that he was wearing, and I gently pushed him away.

Fuck. I forgot how good he was at that. But it didn't change anything, although it definitely made it harder to think. I sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I know." His head dropped. "It's okay. I don't blame you. At all."

"I'm not saying never." I shouldn't have said that. I didn't know that. In fact, I was pretty sure that it was over between us. But the kiss had confused me. The one thing Jamie couldn't give me that Eric could. It didn't change what he'd done though, or the uncomfortable feeling that I didn't think I could ever really trust him again. "But I'm going to need more time than a couple of weeks, okay?"