One More Year Ch. 14

[Hey]

I'd been expecting a message from Eric for a while, so I'd had time to plan what I wanted to do about it. I didn't respond, but I did leave it on read. It was a little childish, but he wasn't exactly above that tactic either. I wasn't sure how I felt about the whole thing, because I still had mostly good memories of us.

It had only been about two months from meeting him to the breakup, but most of that had been great. And in the weeks since, I'd gone from furious and miserable to kind of okay about the whole thing. No one's first relationship lasts, and at least Eric had made that quick for me.

Then there was the thing going on with Jamie, which I hadn't even told Ellie about yet. That complicated things, in ways I couldn't quite wrap my head around. I didn't think I was in love with him, or even in danger of going down that path. There were enough signs there to tell me that he didn't think of it as anything more than casual physical fun between friends, and I'd begun to suspect that's exactly how I felt about it too.

There was some power in not being the sex-starved, lonely nerd I'd been before, and I probably had Jamie to thank for that. Maybe that - and needing that to deal with Eric being back in the picture - kind of made the whole situation with Jamie seem more appealing. Eric's message had me confused, a little annoyed, and a little wistful. But one thing I wasn't feeling was desperation.

I let him stew for almost the entire day, and it felt pretty amazing. Like I'd learned how to respect myself. When I eventually relented, it was mostly out of boredom. Sure, I could ride it out and maybe make him grovel, but I just wasn't sure how much I cared about that. I had nothing else to do, and I wanted to see what he was going to say.

______________[Hi.]

[Listen, I realise I put you through a lot, and I've been feeling awful about it. I've been going through some things, which is why I did what I did, but none of it was a good reason for all of that.]

[I'd understand if you never wanted to talk to me again, but if there's any chance you can tolerate me, even for a bit, I'd like the chance to give you a proper apology and try to explain what happened.]

There didn't seem to be more than that coming. I let him stew again, keeping myself busy for half an hour tidying up my room. It seemed appropriate to make him wait a bit, and I wanted to see if he'd offer up anything else. When I got back to my phone and saw that he hadn't, I responded.

______________[In person?]

[Yes.]

That felt like another good point to leave him hanging, but I was already out of things to do. So I typed and erased a few responses - most of them not even real messages. I just wanted it to look like I was typing a paragraph to him and stress him out, if I couldn't make him wait. I was still feeling a little bit petty, and willing to indulge that impulse. Eventually, I settled on what I knew I was going to send him anyway.

______________[I don't know. How about a preview?]

[Hahah]

[Okay, yeah, that's fair]

[Well, Sorry.]

[I fucked up - I did a stupid thing, and then I did a worse thing, and the whole time I should have been more considerate of your feelings.]

[I'm messed up inside, and I shouldn't have let it spill out to hurt you.]

I let out a deep breath. I hadn't been quite prepared for him to say something like that. It's not like he'd ever been really honest or introspective, so hearing it now was oddly comforting. I was almost expecting him to brush the whole thing off, as if it had never happened. When he didn't, it made me miss him quite intensely, if only for a second.

______________[Wow.]

______________[Good preview.]

[Yeah?]

[Can I see you?]

______________[Okay.]

[When are you free?]

With prelims approaching, I'd actually started marking my calendar with what I was doing each day. Louis and Angela's influence, I guess. We were planning regular study groups, here at my house, so I'd had to make sure I could keep track of all of them. Nothing derails me more than people unexpectedly showing up at my door. My week actually was mostly booked - either AP maths classes or study group meetings on the days between. It was only Saturday afternoon though, and I didn't have anything planned tomorrow, but I wanted to test a theory.

______________[Next Friday only, I guess. Or maybe tonight.]

[Wow, okay]

[I could do tonight]

I don't know if it told me much that he wasn't doing something on a Saturday. Half his friends weren't talking to him, and school was starting to get more serious as we approached prelims - even for the North Grove kids. But it was at least a little gratifying. A moment of panic flared in me - it occurred to me that I'd need to look good. I messaged Ellie.

______________[What are you doing?]

[Unfortunately nothing]

[Don't tell anyone]

[I have a reputation to maintain]

______________[I have a need-to-look-nice emergency.]

______________[Can you come over?]

[Sure!]

[What, like a date?]

______________[Not exactly. I'll explain when you get here.]

I messaged Eric.

______________[Okay.]

______________[Vecchio? At like 7?]

[Sure]

[See you there]

That gave me just over an hour to get ready. Ellie showed up after a few minutes, and I explained the situation to her. She wasn't happy, but she reluctantly agreed that I'd need to look good if I was seeing him again - even if she really disapproved of it in the first place.

"Why are you even doing this?" She flicked through my shirts with a frown on her face.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because he's a bastard."

"He's not a bastard, he's just got stuff going on." I shrugged, and tugged a shirt from the rail. "Besides, I'm not just automatically going to take him back. I just want to hear what he has to say."

"I suppose." She sighed. "Not that one. You need to wear something more casual. You can't make it look like you tried to dress up."

"Okay, thanks." I put it back, and she moved over to the folded clothing on my shelves.

"What if he wants to get back together?"

"I'll probably say no." I shrugged.

"Probably?"

"I don't know. In theory, yeah." I scratched my chin. "But I also never wanted to start dating this year at all, and look how that worked out."

"Yeah." She looked worried. "Just be careful, okay. Don't go running back to him just because he smiles and says everything is good now."

"I'll definitely try." I sighed. "I do have to do this though. I feel like I need to."

"Yeah, I know." She shook her head slowly. "Go shower, I'll pick something out."

"Thanks."

Once I got out, I put on the clothes that she'd set out for me and let her start working on my hair. She was in no mood to be sentimental, but I, at least, was really glad I had Elllie for stuff like this. She'd fussed a bit over my styling, and a lot over my emotional state. Then she'd headed home, and I was ready to face Eric. On the surface, anyway.

***

"You look good," he said as I sat down at the table on Vecchio's balcony. He'd chosen a much more private spot than one we'd been at in the cafe for the breakup. I guess I could give him points for that, at least. I could probably safely yell at him now, if I wanted to.

"Thanks." I wasn't about to tell him that I thought he looked good too. He'd had a haircut, so it was much shorter than it had been last time I saw him, and I kind of liked it. We sat there for a few seconds without saying anything, the distant crash of the waves the only thing breaking the silence.

He tapped his fingers on the table. "I didn't know if I should order you something, so I just got you a hot chocolate. Is that okay? Are you going to stay for dinner?"

"I've already eaten. The hot chocolate is fine."

"Okay," he said quickly. "Awesome."

More silence. For once, I didn't feel like I had to be the uncomfortable one. He was being fidgety enough for both of us. That type of thing would usually have freaked me out, but I sort of wanted him to be uneasy around me. It felt appropriate.

He sighed. "Sorry, I don't really know where to start."

"I have time." I shrugged.

"You don't seem mad."

I thought about that for a second. "I'm not. I'm bad at holding grudges."

"Yeah," he smiled. "I guess you are."

"But we'll see how this goes before I rule it out."

"Hah. Fair." He chuckled.

My hot chocolate arrived, and after the waiter left, he looked at me intensely, but didn't say anything.

"Yes?" I asked.

"I've got quite a lot to say."

"Good."

"But you kind of need to rein yourself in."

"What?" I laughed.

"You like to make... comments. Jokes." He grinned ruefully. "It'll make it hard for me to keep going."

"But sometimes something funny pops into my head and it's hard to keep quiet." I took a deep breath, and stared at him expectantly. "Okay, fine. I'll try to be serious."

"I don't really know where to start."

I smiled slightly. "When I was a young boy... dot dot dot."

He laughed. "Okay, fine. When I was a young boy, I felt different. Probably not the way you're thinking. I think it was because my first exposure to other people, that I can remember, was as a kid at church. My mom and I always sat in the front row, and when my dad was done speaking - oh, and that was another thing, he was also the only dad who went up to the front to speak. But anyway, when he finished, we would always stand next to him while everyone came up to talk to us. I didn't feel important or anything, but I knew we weren't quite like the rest of the families.

"I don't know where I'm going with that, actually. But I probably should be talking about my dad. I really used to think he was a weird guy when I was little. I guess I do now, too. Maybe. But back then he was always confusing me. I never quite got why he reacted to stuff the way he did. I remember when I put on my mom's big, floppy sun-hat, he laughed. But when he saw me walking around in her high heels, he got mad. They were both her things, so I had no idea what was making him freak out about it. Don't say it - I know what it means now, obviously.

"But yeah, there was always stuff like that. It's why I've always been closer to my mom. I used to think he hated me, or something. Eventually, I realised he's like that with everyone. He'd be really sweet with mom whenever we were around church people, but whenever we got home it was like this wall of silence dropped. Like being nice was his job. I guess it was. Is."

He took a deep breath. "So... the divorce sucked. You always tried to get me to talk about it more, but I never really wanted to dwell. But yeah. My dad kind of went crazy - which was pretty much the least surprising thing in the world. And yeah, I hate to whine, because it was my mom who went through the worst of it. But my life fell apart, in a massive way. I got moved away from Vince, and Jess and Mel. Yeah, her and I were much closer back then.

"Anyway, it was pretty lonely. I didn't have a lot of friends at church, really - Jess and I just hung out most of the time. My mom also didn't want to keep sending me to my dad's camps - she was kind of worried he'd kidnap me. But I fought her on that - I guess I thought I'd get a pat on the back from him for coming. That didn't really work out. After the divorce, he barely even kept going to them. He'd passed on the leadership to some other guy, and that guy's son..."

I nodded. "Was this the one that you traded handjobs with?"

He rubbed the back of his neck, and grinned. "Yup. And then the next year's camp was the one where I met my first boyfriend. Ian. The guy who lived in the same building as us, back in Avalon."

"Right. You realise this is terrible PR for church camp." I smirked.

He laughed. "Yeah, I know. Shut up. I'm not going to thrill you with tales of gay hookups, so wipe that smug look off your face." He shook his head and grinned. "The point is, the church camps were my way of trying to reach out to my dad, and that stuff happened after he ignored me. I don't know if it was why I did it - but it definitely felt like I was rebelling.

"So yeah. But then my mom got remarried, and we moved back out this way. It had been over two years, and I hadn't seen the rest of the guys - and I was trying to cling to Ian, which turned out to be just as impossible as holding onto my friends had been. But by the time the next camp rolled around, Jess was there. Which was amazing - I had her back.

"And things with Ian had finally died out, so I was... I don't know. I felt like I needed something. And Jess had gotten surprisingly hot. You didn't know her as a kid, but man... those two years we were apart, she'd- Ah, sorry. Maybe I shouldn't mention Jess."

I shrugged. When he'd mentioned her name, I'd pictured the way she'd looked at me in the grocery store, and that had probably shown on my face. I did my best to shake off the thought. "No, it's okay. I'm fine. Really. I mean, she's been a big part of your life."

"Yeah. So I think I told you about most of that - her and I ended up dating. But then I told her about Ian, and the guy before him and... She was fine, I guess. She freaked out a bit, but then sort of ended things with me in a good way. We stayed friends, and she brought me back into the fold with the rest of them.

"But then Louis... Well, you know what he's like. So stable and together. He immediately noticed something was weird between me and Jess, and he didn't push, but he let me know I could talk to him. Something was weird between him and John then too - so Lou and I kind of ended up hanging out together more anyway. One day, I eventually told him the whole story, and he came out to me. I'm guessing he's told you about most of this."

"Yeah, we've talked about it."

"Well, yeah. Knowing Louis, he probably didn't tell you that Jess freaked out when she found out the two of us were doing stuff. Which - by the way - wasn't much. We only kissed and jerked off together once."

I crossed my arms, feeling slightly annoyed for a reason I couldn't quite pin down. "Is this important to the story?"

"No. I just don't want you worrying that I have another ex lying around to make you nervous."

"Yeah, I think I can trust Louis not to do anything like that, at least."

"Ouch."

I just shrugged.

He sighed. "Yeah, that's probably fair. Sorry. Anyway, Jess freaked out and told my dad."

"Fuck. Seriously?"

"Yeah. And... this is probably the most fucked up thing, but when my dad stormed back into town, full of God's wrath and a newly-found desire to be a parent, I was kind of happy."

"Shit."

"Yeah, so I blocked Louis out of my life - really harshly, actually. And I tried to live up to my dad's expectations. But basically the second I was back on the straight and narrow, he upped and disappeared again. Job done. Son fixed." He looked down, and inhaled deeply.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay." He shrugged. "It was kind of my fault anyway. And kind of Jess's, but she apologised, and we got over it and started hanging out again. I thought I could pick up where I'd left off with Louis - but he wasn't interested. He kind of got as mad as I'd ever seen him. Which was entirely fair. I'd treated him like shit. But John fucking punched me, and Mel was... hostile."

"I'm familiar." I grinned.

He let out a bark of laughter. "But yeah. We all made our peace, eventually. It was pretty clear Louis wasn't pining for me, and Jess got a boyfriend, so I just tried to be happy with being single. But then I met someone new."

"Me?"

He smiled broadly - and maybe a little sadly. "Yeah. You."

"And then it all went to shit."

He winced. "We had some good times first though, right?"

I shrugged and grinned. "They weren't terrible."

"Gee, thanks. But yeah, I don't blame you for thinking I fucked things up. So you know the rest, except..." He paused, looking up at me.

"Except what?"

"I, uh..." He cleared his throat. "I... I think Jess told my dad again. He came down on me like a tonne of bricks, telling me I needed to 'get on a more righteous path' or something like that. I promise you I wanted to ignore him. I was going to. He even recruited this horde of guys my age to try and encourage me to be a bit... Ugh. I don't know. 'More Christian', I guess.

"But I wasn't feeling great about it, and I was just trying to ignore them and get out of there and back to you as quickly as possible. But then you were a bit... I don't know. You made me mad. So I stayed, got drunk, and I don't know what is was about what they said, but I went home ready to break up with you."

"So you're saying it's my fault, for fighting with you?" I pursed my lips.

"What? No, Jay. No. I... Listen, I think it was more that I felt like I was being a shitty person in your life, and you deserved better than me. So I could let you get on to better things, and I could try and live the way my dad wanted me to."

I scoffed, feeling a slight welling up of rage in the pit of my stomach. "That's so fucking condescending."

"I'm sorry."

"So you want to be back in my life now, though?"

"Yeah. In whatever way you'll have me."

I turned my head away. "And do you think you're a less shitty person now, or do you just think I deserve worse?"

He sighed. "The first one, obviously. Or... I'm trying, anyway."

"Okay." I shrugged.

"You're still mad."

"That's fair, right?" It had come upon me as a bit of a surprise. But I was almost happy that I was at least feeling something.

He nodded sadly. "Yeah. Listen, I get it. After that thing happened with Jess, I was an idiot. And then I was an asshole to you after I got back from camp. So when I took you to that coffee place-"

"Because you didn't want me to make a scene."

He frowned. "That wasn't what it was about at all."

"Didn't feel that way."

"Jay... Hell. If I'd been alone in a room with you, there was no way I was going to be able to resist you."

"Oh." That sort of hit me. I'd almost forgotten the way we'd been around each other physically. He'd always seemed - for whatever reason - to struggle to control himself around me, as much as I did around him.

"Yeah." He shook his head. "Anyway, I thought it was this big, noble gesture of letting you go. But it was just me hurting you more, after weeks of already hurting you. And I'm really sorry I did that."

"Right," I said. "Thank you."

"Are there other things you're still mad about?"

"I guess." I leaned back in my chair, and tapped my fingers on the table, staring at him. "I'm still a little annoyed about the Jess thing."

"Oh, yeah." He nodded. "That. I'm sorry, you were right. I mean, you would have been right just on principle, even if it was a misunderstanding. But she definitely... I don't know. Jess is not a very good person. I won't be seeing her ever again."

I didn't know what to say to that. It almost felt like I should have mentioned seeing her over the holidays - and the way she'd reacted. And I wanted to remind him that what they'd done had taken two people, and the way he'd reacted had been almost worse than the fact she'd kissed him. But him writing off his best friend was a big step - even if she had done something really shitty - and I wasn't really in the mood to defend Jess, of all people. So I let it drop.

"So what do you think?" he asked, after a few minutes of silence.

"Eric..." I began, but didn't really know what to say.

"I'm not trying to force forgiveness out of you, or try and make you be my friend, or... anything. I just want to know what you want."

"I don't want to get back together." I forced myself to continue despite the hurt look on his face. "Not right now, and maybe not ever. Sorry."

"No, that's fine. And fair." He nodded. "I get it."

"I think I can be your friend, though."

"Thanks." He smiled. "That means a lot."