One More Year Ch. 19

My jaw nearly hit the floor. If I had been feeling sorry for him, I wasn't any more. I felt tainted. This whole thing had been such a mess. I'd fucked a guy that had pretty much hated me. And his boyfriend, who loved me. I didn't feel anything for either of them now, really. Except maybe disdain.

Eric wanted me, but couldn't even be faithful. Nick wanted Eric so much he didn't even care that it wasn't mutual. So the two of them had just cynically carried on with each other, and both tried to make me some sort of battleground for their relationship.

I pitied both of them, but I couldn't bring myself to care any more. It made me feel like such an asshole. "I should go."

"Yeah, why suffer a single fucking consequence for getting what you want? You can just go slutting your way around from guy to guy, and not give a shit about how anyone else feels." He was practically shouting. "I should just fucking tell everyone you're gay!"

I froze where I was. He'd crossed a line, but panic didn't well up in me - anger did. It was mostly directed at Eric. More abstractly at his dad, and possibly at society and religion in general. That Eric could be so messed up that it hurt other people like this. That my sexuality could be used against me as a threat at all. That we even lived in a world where there could be any negative consequences for just being who you were.

It wasn't really anger at Nick. But Nick was there, and he'd just threatened me. I grabbed the door tightly, and slammed it shut, turning around on the spot. He flinched, and his eyes widened. Maybe he thought I was going to hit him - really hurt him, with no one around to help. The panic on his face calmed me down, but not enough to stop the venom in me from spilling out.

"You know what really happened with Eric and me? Yes, I fucked him. Sorry, I didn't know that was a big deal. But he did, and he didn't give a shit about your feelings." He flinched at that, but I kept going. "And I didn't even finish fucking him, because he told me he loved me. So congrats for that. You're right. He wanted me. And he doesn't want you. No one does."

Now I'd crossed the line too, but I couldn't stop. I might as well have punched him. He looked like I had - his eyes were wide, and his jaw was slack.

"So go ahead. Tell 'everyone' I'm gay. It's not like I hang around anyone who doesn't already know. Prelims are over, so I have to grit my teeth for a few finals. That's all you'll be able to ruin for me. If people even believe you. Maybe your pathetic little pod of gal pals will, but you'd have to tell them about you first."

I should have left off there, too, but I was angry and scared. And determined to not let him see that. "Whatever. Out me and I'll out you too. But don't be surprised when I'm fine, while you're getting slurs painted on your locker and sent to counselling with a priest. I think we both know who everyone hates more, and it's not me. So go fuck yourself, Nick. No one else seems to want to."

He'd started crying, and it brought me back to myself. I almost wanted to apologise, but Nick was dangerous, and showing the slightest hint of weakness would probably be a mistake. Maybe I'd just seriously fucked up - maybe he'd do it anyway, and probably call my bluff. I had no way of knowing, but I couldn't back down.

My only real option was to get out of there as quickly as I could. I stomped out of his room, slammed the door behind me, and shuffled to the front door as fast as I could. I practically ran to my car. My hands were shaking as I drove over to the next street, and pulled onto the curb.

I felt sick. My heart was pounding in my ears, and my vision felt like it was tinted red. I took deep, gasping breaths of air to steady myself. It felt like the drive home was going to be impossible, so I phoned Louis.

"Hey. Nick just blocked me. Is everything okay?"

I exhaled sharply. "Yeah, um, well, no. Sorry, I know I just dropped you off, but can I come talk? I need to talk."

He must have heard the tremble in my voice. "Yeah, of course. Do you want to go somewhere or just come here?"

"Uh, there, I guess."

"Okay. I'll open up, and you can park inside."

Given how close it was, it felt like it took me forever to get to Louis' house. He appeared in the doorway without me having to message or call him, and he opened the gate. I rolled my car onto the driveway and pulled to a stop.

I didn't immediately get out, so he walked up to the car, opened the passenger door, and got in. He didn't say anything at first, just gave me a concerned look and put a hand on my shoulder when he saw me shaking. Then he pulled me into a hug.

I told him everything. Not in graphic detail, but I mentioned the threesome and that I'd done things with them separately, and Eric's confession. I told him about Nick's revelation from earlier, and the way I'd lashed out after.

I apologised, repetitively - for not telling him, for making bad choices, for anything and everything. It was hard to even look at him. I felt so ashamed, and I burst out crying at the end. He just held me while I sobbed, and I felt so ridiculous.

"Jay, it's okay," he said softly. "You could have told me, you know."

"I just felt..."

"What?"

"Like you'd think less of me."

"Why?" He frowned.

"Because I'm... Easy." I grimaced. "Or slutty, like Nick said."

Louis laughed. "Oh come on. Like he can talk." He quickly pulled me into another hug. "Besides, do you really think I'm one of those idiots who cares about dumb stuff like that?"

"I don't know." I shrugged and sighed.

"It could be a bit of an economic issue, though." He turned to me and grinned. "You know, with your virtue tarnished like this, you'll never find a rich husband. I guess you're just going to have to make peace with the fact that you're going to wind up a spinster. And your parents might have to sell the farm now."

I couldn't help but laugh at that. "Shut up."

"Seriously, though. I know you've got a weird repression thing. At least a bit. Probably because your school keeps telling you to hate yourself for having sex."

"Yeah." I couldn't argue with that - they kind of did.

"But, you know - safe sex, consenting adults. Right?"

"Yeah."

"But just tell me about it next time, okay? You don't need to feel like you need to deal with this stuff on your own, because you think I'll judge you." He grabbed my shoulder. "I won't."

"Okay."

"Did you at least tell Ellie?"

"Only after the thing with Eric." I shook my head. "Fuck. I'm just as bad as him, aren't I?"

"You're absolutely not." His voice was serious. "Jay, you did nothing wrong."

"I shouldn't have said that stuff to Nick."

"Probably not, no. But then, he shouldn't have threatened to out you."

"Why are you always so nice to me? I feel like a fucking monster."

"Jay." He put his hand on my neck, and looked right into my eyes. "This is a mess, sure. But it's Eric's. You didn't do this, you just reacted. And maybe you reacted badly. But so did Eric, and so did Nick." He sighed. "And so did I. So please don't feel guilty about it."

I snorted. "How did YOU react badly?"

"It doesn't matter." He grinned ruefully. "But trust me. If I could go back a year and do everything differently, I would."

"Yeah, me too." I took a deep, steadying breath, and smiled up at him. "Thanks. I should have talked to you much earlier."

"My point exactly. And no problem." He pulled his arm back. "Now, do you want to have tea and watch a movie or something before you have to head home?"

"Yeah." I still felt a bit shaken, but just seeing him had already helped. It would be nice to calm down a bit more before going home. "That would be nice."

"Okay, well then come inside."

We got out of the car, and he led me through the front door. His house was fairly old-fashioned, everything sectioned off into rooms, no open-plan spaces. There was a lot of wood, and antique furniture, and the walls were cream. I could have told you Louis lived there - it just matched him so well. It was so mature, well-thought-out, and neat. He led me past a stairway to a door at the end of the hall.

"Sorry, my mom's here. You're going to have to say hi."

I nodded, and he took me into the room which turned out to be a kitchen. His mom, a willowy blond woman with a warm smile, looked up from her laptop as we entered.

"Mom, this is Jay."

"Hi Jay. You can call me Mara." She smiled and shook my hand. "It's nice to see you and Louis are friends. That science project was just wonderful. Louis said it was your idea."

"We decided as a group, I guess." I shrugged.

"You can pick out a movie so long, Jay." Louis indicated a door at the other end of the kitchen. "The living room is just through there, and the remote's on the coffee table. I'll make the tea."

"Okay, thanks," I said. Louis's mom smiled at me, and I attempted to smile back.

I went through into the next room, sat down on the couch, and could still hear Louis' voice through the wall as he talked with her, but hers was muffled.

"No, he's okay. Just a bit of personal stuff."

Muffled response. She sounded worried. Which was fair - I probably looked like a mess, and had shown up out of nowhere.

"No, nothing like that. Just relationship stuff."

Muffled response. Curious, maybe?

"None of your business."

I laughed quietly at that.

"No, we're just friends."

Muffled response, amused tone.

"MOM!"

At that point I started thumbing through the channels. It sounded like Louis was finishing up the tea. A lot of the responses were quieter, and I couldn't make anything out. I felt a little guilty for having overheard, but I would have had to blast the TV at full volume to have drowned out his voice.

Louis came out of the door, shuffling slowly with a cup of tea in each hand. He set them down gently on the table, and settled on the couch next to me.

"So you're out to your mom?" I asked casually as he sat down.

"Oh god." He went bright red, and looked back at the thin kitchen walls. "You heard all that?"

"Not the whole thing. Just you. Sorry." I grinned. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop. You were just right by the wall and everything you said was very clear."

"No, it's fine. I should have realised." He smiled. "Sorry, my mom's very inappropriate sometimes. She thinks that every guy that comes by is my boyfriend."

"How many guys come by?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Thousands. You should see this place in summer. It's like Pride in every room."

I laughed, and continued flicking through movies.

"Why are you browsing the horror category?" he asked.

"I thought it might make me feel better."

"Fine, but just so you know, I'm a total baby about horror movies. So if there's a jump-scare I will scream and pass out on you."

I chuckled. "I'm looking forward to it."

"Well, as long as you're warned."

I settled on something that turned out to be a little disappointing, although Louis was exactly as skittish as advertised. I was laughing by the end, but the cheesy jump scares would actually make him jump, and the corny, overdramatic music would make him bury his head in my shoulder when it got too intense.

"I'm honestly a little worried about you." He laughed when the credits were rolling.

"Why?"

"You found that stuff funny."

"No, just your overreactions."

"I did warn you."

"Yeah." I smiled. "Thanks. This was a good movie night. Sorry for being such a mess."

"No, it's fine. I had fun." He grinned. "I'm going to have nightmares now, but it was fun."

"Sorry." I smirked. "Feel free to call me at 3AM if you need to."

"I definitely will."

"Great..." I looked down at the floor, and rubbed the back of my neck.

Louis' voice was gentle. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I just... I should probably get going. Don't want to waste your whole afternoon." I shifted in my seat, and looked up at him. I didn't really want to go. It felt like I'd left all my thoughts about Eric and Nick outside, and as soon as I left, I'd have to deal with them again.

"I'm seriously not doing anything." He shrugged. "It's fine. Do you want to watch another movie?"

"No." I smirked. "I think I've terrified you enough for one night."

"We could talk."

I shook my head. "I've talked too much already. You must be so bored."

"Bored? By you? Never." He smiled warmly.

"Unlikely, but thanks." I shifted on the couch.

"I could do the talking."

"About?"

"I don't know." He blushed slightly. "Well, yeah, I actually have a good topic. Might make you feel a bit less..."

"Like a walking disaster?"

He laughed. "Yeah, maybe."

"Well, now I'm curious."

He hopped up. "Hang on, I just want to check something."

I watched him move across the room, filled with curiosity. "Okay..."

He went to the door to the kitchen, opened it a crack, and stuck his head inside. He wasn't there for long, and quickly came to sit back down on the couch next to me. "Okay, my mom's in a call. We can talk about it."

"Oh my god." I chuckled. "What the hell are you going to tell me?"

He grimaced. "Nothing weird, don't worry. Just something I did that made her quite mad at me, so I don't want her to overhear and get reminded."

"Okay, well, now I have to know." I leaned forward.

"Okay, so I haven't ever really told you about how things went with my first boyfriend."

"Right."

He cleared his throat. "So, basically, we met and started dating, and then-"

"You can't try and make it a bit more of a story?" I couldn't help myself.

He rolled his eyes and smiled. "None of that's really the point. But fine, where do you want me to start?"

"I don't know. Like where you met, and how."

"Okay, I suppose I can do that." He sat back. "I was sixteen, and we went to stay with my grandparents for a couple of months. Mom was between jobs, so she had two months when she wasn't doing anything, and it was basically this big holiday."

"Good start."

"Thanks. So I don't know if I remember exactly how I met Nate, but his parents were my grandparents' neighbours. They did lots of things together, so we probably just ended up hanging out once at a dinner or something, and then we just found each other for everything after that. And then, one day, we were alone in his room... and he kissed me."

"Wow."

"Yeah. It was amazing, and I was so happy. Only thing was, he kind of freaked out. He knew he was gay, but he was a bit uncomfortable about it still. And, um, there was a bigger issue..." He grimaced. "He was two years older than me, so he kind of felt guilty about that, I guess."

I blinked. "Oh, okay. That's not that bad though."

"Yeah, I definitely didn't think so. Although, god, can you imagine dating a sixteen-year-old now? Even one you knew."

"Yeah, that'd be weird. Ellie's brother is sixteen, and I still kind of see him as a toddler."

He laughed. "Yeah. But anyway, I wouldn't let him get away. He avoided me for like a week, but then there was another dinner party, and it would have looked weird or rude if he didn't hang out with me. So I just kind of... wore him down."

"That does not sound like you." I chuckled.

"I got a bit carried away. But eventually he sort of... melted. I think he really liked me too, and eventually that won out. But he basically told me that anything we did together had to be my idea - he wouldn't try anything with me unless I suggested it first."

"That's kind of sweet."

"Yeah. And I..." He blushed furiously, and shrugged. "You know, I had an internet connection and a fertile imagination, so..."

"Oh my." I laughed. "Don't worry, I won't ask."

"Good." He grinned. "So there's your story. Now I'll get to my point."

"So efficient."

"Thank you. So, that happened over the two months I was there. He'd just finished high school, and was taking a gap year, so I saw him on most weekends after that - either we'd go visit my grandparents, or he'd come down here."

"Oh wow. Did your mom know?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "I've been out to her since I was thirteen, and she was pretty cool about the whole thing with him."

"Right."

"Yeah. So it was kind of nice. I only saw him on weekends, so it didn't get in the way of school, but it was enough. I think we really loved each other. We said it, anyway. And I was sure that I felt that way." He took a deep breath. "But then that year ended, and he went away to university. Which was about a ten-hour drive away."

"Ah."

"Yeah. So that was... rough. We decided we'd just do long distance. My grandparent's house is a couple of hours up the coast, so this didn't seem that much worse, and we'd already made that work. But this time it just... didn't."

"I'm sorry."

He shrugged. "I guess we were both just a bit naive. It was kind of hard to notice, at first. We thought he'd be driving back every weekend to visit me - and he did, for like the first month. Which was kind of insane, if you think about it - he'd rock up in the early hours of Saturday morning, and left in the middle of the day on the next Sunday. Driving for almost a day, just to spend a day and half with me."

"That's kind of sweet."

"Yeah, it really was. But not super practical. He was very tired and grouchy the whole time anyway. And after the third week, his car broke down, and he couldn't use it for a while. Then, after what it cost him to get it fixed, he didn't have enough money to spend on fuel for the drive. We sort of agreed it probably wasn't the best idea, and just decided to keep in touch online, and I'd see him around the holidays.

"But then... I don't know. We started drifting. Since we weren't physically together, we didn't really make time for each other. He'd go off to parties, I'd hang out with my friends, and we'd miss opportunities to talk. Eventually it got to the point where it could be a month between conversations."

"That's not good."

He shook his head. "No. And I think he realised it before I did. I was the one who had a cool, older boyfriend. It's not like high school was overflowing with options - I didn't even know about Eric back then. But Nate had friends, and went to parties - with other eligible gay guys around."

"Shit, did he cheat on you?"

"No. Or, at least, I don't think he did - he was a good guy. I think he just realised it was a bit weird to be stuck in a non-relationship with a high-schooler when he could have had something real. So he broke up with me."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. It made sense. Well, it does now." He scrunched up his face. "Okay, so here's the part that's meant to make you feel better. When he broke up with me, I didn't take it well. At all."

"What did you do?"

"I..." He laughed ruefully, shaking his head. "I stole money from my mom's bag, hopped on a bus and tracked him down at university, and refused to leave his dorm until he took me back."

"Oh god."

"Yeah. I still feel so guilty about it. He went into a flat panic - there was an underage kid in his dorm room, refusing to leave, halfway across the country from his family." He laughed. "My mom drove through the night to come pick me up. She was so mad. I was grounded for six months, and I had to get a job to pay her back for the money I stole."

"Wow." I smirked. "You're a mess."

He laughed. "And here I am trying to be nice to you. I was a mess. Past tense."

"Yeah, unlike me. I am a mess. Present tense." I sighed.

"I'd say you're in a better state than you think." He smiled softly. "But yeah, my point is you shouldn't worry. You're not the only one with problems."

"Thanks." I nodded. "And thanks for telling me that."

He shrugged. "It is actually nice to talk about it. I usually try not to."

"Yeah."

"It's probably the reason I haven't dated so much while you've known me. I kind of don't trust what I want any more, you know?"

"Yeah, absolutely." I nodded slowly. "I feel that way too. I need to write off dating. Or... guys in general, I guess. Until I can figure out what the hell I'm doing."