All Comments on 'OSO - Karen Ch. 01'

I'm not against slavery but it has to make sense.

Gary Gygax, of The Forgotten Realms series, told every aspiring author "You are writing about gods and men with the power to destroy the moon. DON'T destroy it." He understood that nothing happens in a vacuum, that every action has an unintended consequence and every paragraph builds the next one.

If you made a world where slavery is acceptable then you would make people paranoid about becoming slaves, so no one would be caught unaware. And if human life can be diminished so easily, then what does age have to do with it? Meaning that because you are limited by the confines of this site, your story is artificially constrained and no underaged persons are affected. Which doesn't make sense. History shows us that young, healthy children would fetch a higher price and be more valuable.

So because your story is only an excuse to force a slaver into slavery, I give you a well deserved one star.

Hardest read ever! Clearly english is a second language for you or you dropped out of school the in eighth grade. You need to understand that once you write it you, yourself, have to read it. Horrible! Please get a proof reader/editor for your work, always. This should have never been posted in its current state.

Anonymous, Thank for your comment.

You're right English is not my native language !

I'm writing part 6 of this, so I took time to read myself again and again. I had an Editor.

Perhaps the result is difficult to read, I cannot evaluate it.

If you want to be my editor for the following parts I will be happy to accept.

I won't stop, but I'll try to improve myself.

Panda

I can see what you're going for, but as previous commenters have tactfully pointed out, it needs work.

Some thoughts: no, the inner workings of your wacky porn story idea don't have to answer to the posthumous world-building standards of Gary Gygax, but it's probably a good idea to have some kind of explanation to hand (even a jokey one) for why something called a "slave organization" is allowed to operate in the open. Coming up with such an explanation might also help bring your setting to life a little more, which in turn would help the reader to better visualise what "slavery" actually means and what the stakes are for your character. (Does the OSO control all of society? Are they a Fortune 500 company? Are they a fly-by-night criminal organization trying to hide their existence from law enforcement? Are they a secret indulgence of an amoral corporate elite? A powerful monolith standing astride a post-apocalyptic landscape?)

Also, you should probably find a way to expand this chapter beyond the relatively bare-bones expository dialogue that currently dominates it. Don't be afraid of exposition per se, but remember that dialogue is also an opportunity to develop characters and setting. It's a chance to reveal how people react to each other, how they look, how they smile, little involuntary tics they might have, subtle by-play between some characters and whether other characters notice it, and so on. You can take this a lot further than you have, and IMO it would make the proceedings a lot more interesting.

Oh, and I'm fond of silly porn names, but personally I think they tend to work best when they could also double as actual names. There are tonnes of unintentionally hilarious and dirty-sounding surnames out there without having to resort to "Asslicked."

I'll refrain from rating for now. Good luck with it!

I love the premise of voluntary slavery and idea of the sophisticated and in control female Phd being subjected to the same slave training and conditioning she designed and perfected to be used on other, presumably "lesser" women.

Of course these tactics -- demeaning, animal like treatment, constant sexual arousal, humiliation, enforced nudity, collaring, and branding -- wouldn't work on HER. Would they?

I'm looking forward to seeing her use her considerable intellect to fight back against her own "processing" procedures, designed to strip a woman of her dignity and self worth. Of course she'll understand what is being done to her, but will that make the effect less powerful, or more.

If nothing else she might get a bit of empathy for her sisters, particularly as the date of her branding draws closer. I love that being held out as a threat, by the way. Please continue and feel free to look up my stories, many of which have similar themes of voluntary enslavement.

I'm afraid I'm a big fan of the "own work used against her" idea. Does anyone know of any other stories in this theme? The only other I've managed to find is the Sandy Foot Girl series.