All Comments on 'Our Secret Ch. 05'

While this was a good story, to a point, there were some problems. In one part you began referring to actions between Tom and Allison when you obviously meant Craig and his mother. In your epilogue (4 months later) you used the name Hamilton's rather than Hanlon (for family's surname). Second problem (early in story) you state that Craig's mouth had been taped over, yet you the say that Allison could see him lick his lips. How? If his mouth is taped over there is no way he could part his lips to lick them, much less for her to see them being licked. This also means that he cannot breath through his mouth, thus cannot breath and swallow water through the mouth.

You also had problems with pronoun usage in a few places, and missing quotation marks during dialogs: example -- "I appreciate it, Tom, Craig said, the size of the Hanlon family is about to explode!" should read "I appreciate it, Tom," Craig said, "the size of the Hanlon family is about to explode!"

Paying attention to the small details makes the story more realistic, and easier to read. Aside from these things, as I said at the beginning, this was a good story (4*), and I would hope you intend to tie all of these chapters (past and future) together in a way that feels realistic -- and as good as the first two chapters (5* from me).

no continuity from chapter to chapter. names change as often as the pages turn. there is absolutely no connection to reality. the make up of the community is as illusive as the fact checking (or absence thereof) permits. and this last chapter is a VERY cheap attempt to bring unrelated incidents together, and it fails miserably.

Anyone thinking they are going to read a story from start to finish should go some where else.

I ask again, did the author read this story? or was it submitted by remote robots?

You need to work on the way your story flows. You speak of how events unconnected with each other affect various outcomes, but much of your story has nothing to do with the other. All that is common is the cul de sac that the various families end up in. This is a too obvious ruse to make many separate stories into one saga and it doesn't work. A better move would be to take the separate tales, develop them, and wind them each up with a proper finish for each. Be mindful of names. Sometimes you trade them around improperly and it is confusing to your readers. This is in all of your work. You also need to learn how to use punctuation marks. You seem foreign to the use of quotation marks and commas. Individually, these are good stories. It is the storyteller that needs work.

Would enjoy these stories (Our Secret Chapter 1 through 4) become a series or mini-novel.

A little too messy for me. Son has one name and then he has another name a few chapters later. Always like the thought of a son fucking his baby into his mother. Always erotic and hot.