Out in the Black Ch. 06

The noise level outside the room ebbed and flowed. When the viewing ended and the crew flooded out of the galley, the sound of magboots tromping through the corridor was loud enough to drown out our conversation. People wandered back and forth for a while, wrapping up their prep for the next day's launch and taking advantage of the final night of relaxed water rations, but eventually the others found their way to their beds or out onto the station. When it had been quiet for a time, I went to grab food, this time pulling on my shorts so I could get something for both of us. Matt laughed when I triumphantly brandished two sandwiches on my return.

Tugging on his own shorts, the captain joined me at the little table. I'm not a neat freak or nothing, but crumbs in bed tend to lead to crumbs in more uncomfortable places and that ain't my idea of fun. So we ate at the table. Maybe it was the interruption of getting food or the change in location, or possibly it was some sort of barrier from our shorts - like we'd lost the connection we'd had when we were naked - but our conversation lagged out and that weird tension started creeping back in. I could see it in the way Matt held himself. Hell, I could feel it in my own posture. It was bullshit. Desperate to stop it, to put things back to how they were, I lunged across the table and kissed the captain.

Unfortunately, he had just taken a giant bite of his sandwich, so the whole thing was awkward and kind of gross. Since I'd surprised him, he inhaled and sucked his food into his lungs, which led to choking and coughing and backslapping and general fuckery that only made everything even more ridiculous. But I had managed to break the tension, so I considered it a win even as I retook my seat with my cheeks burning, Matt still chuckling and coughing across from me.

"That was - " he waved a hand vaguely, understandably stuck for words.

"Yeah." I cleared my throat and pushed my food around a bit. "Sorry." Glancing up at him, I sighed. "Things were just getting weird again, you know?" I am such a fucking tool.

"You definitely fixed that." He smirked and I could feel the blush spreading. I opened my mouth, though I didn't have any idea what I was going to say. Probably another fucking apology. Didn't matter, though, because when Matt reached over and took my hand, I forgot how to talk. "All joking aside, you're right, Rusty. I felt it and didn't know how to do anything about it." He squeezed my hand and waited until I looked up and met his eyes. "Thank you."

Matt rolled his eyes when I shrugged, but he didn't let go of my hand. Not having a lot of experience with compliments or praise, I didn't know how to deal with them. The captain wasn't going to let me get away with my usual tactic of avoidance this time. "I mean sure. Yeah. No problem." Fucking hell, just kill me. Matt laughed quietly and squeezed my hand once more before letting me off the hook.

"So, tell me what's been going on around here."

I just sat there and stared for a bit. I couldn't think of a single thing worth talking about. And I sure as hell didn't want to tell him how I'd gone out looking to hook up - especially since I wasn't sure if it was better or worse that it hadn't happened. "It's been pretty quiet," I finally managed. The captain lifted an eyebrow and went back to his sandwich. "Really," I continued, still digging a hole for myself, "not much has happened. You know the Marzi: she don't need much so most of the crew hung out dockside."

"But not you?" Oh, shit.

"Um, what?" Yeah, good save, Rusty.

"The way you said it - 'most of the crew' - didn't sound like you were included there." He kept his tone even and his expression neutral, but I was sure the smug fuck was smirking inside. He knew I had spent most of my time on the ship and he knew just why that was. Naturally, I was enough of an asshole to try and keep up the farce.

"Oh, right. No, I wasn't really feeling the pull. I like it here on my girl."

"Ah." That was it. That one little syllable was all I got. That and the knowing look in Matt's eyes.

"Yeah, got some work done, did a few workouts. And dinner with everyone last night." This time I didn't even get a syllable. He just looked at me. "Okay, yes, I did go out drinking one night. But I didn't really talk to no one." Matt had finished his food at some point while I'd been busy burying myself. He took a drink, each movement precise, and then stood. I watched as he stepped around the table and I ain't too proud to admit I was a little terrified. As much as I like to think I can read him like a book, there was something in his face right then that I could not parse to save my life. And that scared the hell out of me.

"You're sweet," the captain said, straddling my legs to sit in my lap.

"Um, no I'm not," I argued even as my brain was screaming for my mouth to stop talking. It didn't matter, I guess, because Matt just smiled at me and wrapped his arms around my neck. I still wasn't sure what was going on. Some vague suspicion floated around the back of my mind, but a very fucking vocal part of my body was perfectly fine with the stuff the captain was doing and wasn't listening to no arguments otherwise. Turned out having a hot guy basically sit on my junk and kiss me stupid - because yeah, he was definitely doing that - was a great way to get me to put down the damn shovel.

So we made out for a while, which was kind of weird. Good weird, but still. I couldn't remember the last time I'd spent long minutes just kissing someone and touching them without trying to get one or both of us off. Maybe I never had. It was new and that little voice in my head was going on about how I was entering dangerous territory, but fuck me if I wasn't enjoying myself enough to tune that little shithead out.

"Why did you say that? About owing me an apology?" I asked later as we lay facing one another. Our make-out session had somehow led to a shower. There was a lot of touching, but not so much talking. Matt's words from before came back to me after we'd crawled into bed.

"I shouldn't have left like that and stayed away."

"You were working," I said, shrugging it off as if every moment of his absence hadn't settled under my skin and made me itch. Which was not something I planned to admit to anyone ever.

"I could have made time. I should have made time. But I was mad at you and decided to be a jerk instead."

The tip of my finger brushed his cheek as I tucked a stray bit of hair away from his face. "I may have been guilty of a bit of that myself." It was as close as I was going to get to admitting to some regret about the argument that last morning. Kells's words still echoed in my head and, while I wasn't agreeing with everything she said, something had put a bug up my ass and made me lash out at him. The captain had never said or done anything that made me think he saw me as less than him and it had been unfair to act like all of the bullshit was coming from his direction.

Matt cupped a hand against my face and looked into my eyes, his focus shifting from one to another like he was reading something in my irises. "Fuck, I missed you," he said, each word falling heavy between us. Hearing that made me happier than it had any right to. Before he could see my reaction, and to get him to stop that shit with my eyes, I kissed him. Hindsight being what it is, that probably wasn't the best way to keep him from finding out I liked being missed, but it was all I had in the moment. Plus, that kissing led to other stuff that kept us from talking for a good long while.