Out in the Black Ch. 09

This is a book-length work, so not every chapter will involve sex. If you're just looking for a quick wank, this probably isn't your story.

Thanks for reading!

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While the captain had prepared to address the crew, me and the XO had pulled a diagram of the ship's surveillance system and spent a couple hours arguing over which cams could go and where the rest should be placed. Cap had given us free reign, I guess figuring if his XO and me agreed on something, it was probably the right call. Then again, he did have other shit on his mind, so maybe he didn't have the bandwidth to deal with the details. I tried to get him to wait a few days, give himself some time to get through telling the crew before pulling out my girl's eyes, but he was sure the gesture would go a long way with the crew and Li agreed, so I was outvoted.

Since the whole idea was proving he wasn't hiding nothing anymore, I had the thought of putting squares of reflective tape around the lenses of the remaining cameras. The ones we were moving were easy: I could just stick it up there while I was already on the ladder. The few that stayed in place, I figured I'd just handle when I got to them. Instead, Li hacked her damn magboots and climbed the fucking wall to apply the tape. It was something to see and reminded me that, until all this with the captain had gone down, I'd actually admired the XO. She didn't take shit from anybody. And looking like she did, all short and tiny, I imagined she had been the target of a fair amount.

Once we got going on tearing down the cams, I just figured she'd hit me with the question right away, but we got all the way to the gym before she spoke up. She was sitting on top of an equipment cabinet after sticking shiny yellow tape to the wall above her head, kicking her heels against the side as she watched me wind cables. "Did you do it?"

"No," I said, not bothering to pretend I didn't know what she was talking about. She gave me this skeptical look and I started to get pissed but forced myself to stay cool. The captain was counting on us to work together on this and it wasn't going to be me letting him down. "Look, you really think Cap would be sitting right there with me in the room if I sent that video out?"

Li shrugged. "Maybe your dick is magic."

"Well, yeah. But there's a limit to its powers. And not getting myself spaced for tanking Cap's career and humiliating him in front of the galaxy is a big ask." I almost got a smile out of her with that one. "Anyway, ask him if you don't believe me. He knows what happened."

"I might do that." She watched me pack away my tools. This was our last room on this deck and it was getting late. "Look, assuming you're telling the truth, I guess I owe you an apology for how I was at the station." I shrugged it off. "No, really. I'm just - Mac and I go way back and I'm protective. But that doesn't mean I can get the personal all mixed up with the professional and treat a crewmember poorly because I'm pissed about the way he's acting toward my friend."

I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned against the treadmill, staring up at her. "I don't know what he said to you - "

"Nothing," she interrupted, throwing up her hands. "That's another problem. He never mentioned anything about the two of you until after he got back, and that was just to tell me not to be a bitch. But like I said, I've known the captain for a long time. The signs were there." She sighed and hopped down from the cabinet. "I just don't like to see him get hurt." The XO hoisted a coil of cables onto her shoulder and grabbed the camera we'd just removed, heading for the storage crate we were packing everything into. I grabbed my tools and went the opposite direction.

I don't know what made me do it, but when I reached the ladder I turned and called back to her. "Me neither." Li squinted and tilted her head, probably trying to figure out how to place my comment in what we'd been talking about. When it clicked into place, she got this weird expression on her face and nodded once before punching the button for the lift.

Cap wasn't in his office when I went by, so I headed down to grab something to eat. Bailey and a couple of the editing crew were sitting together. They stopped talking when they saw me walk in, which gave me a pretty good idea of what they'd been discussing. Not that it took a genius to guess what everyone on the ship was saying. I gave them a nod and dug in the cabinet, fumbling through the meals as I pretended not to understand why the room was suddenly silent. My hand stilled: since when did I feel the need to pretend anything with these people?

"Go on." My voice sounded loud in the empty air. I turned to face the crew. "Get it out. I'm sure whatever you have to say on the matter is fascinating." The creatives sank into themselves. To his credit, Bailey met my eyes, his expression calm.

"Come on, Rust, don't bust our balls," he said. I raised an eyebrow. "You gotta know people are gonna talk."

"Talk, then. I ain't stopping you."

"It's just - " one of the editing crew piped up, then cowered when I looked at him. Fucking hell, he was young. Couldn't have been more than 22, and that was stretching it.

"Spit it out, kid."

He looked to Bailey, who gave him a nod. "I mean, you were right up there with him. It kinda makes it look like you're on his side, you know?"

Careful to keep the anger from my face, I shrugged casually. "He's the captain."

"It doesn't bother you?" The kid's face was turning red. "What he did? What everyone saw him do?"

I looked at Bailey, wondering where the fuck we had managed to find this guy, and it was the pilot's turn to shrug, broad shoulders rising and falling heavily in a jumpsuit zipped to the neck. "So he took a little time for himself. He wasn't hurting nobody."

"But it's a sin!" the kid cried. His friend had finally had enough and dragged him out by his arm. His yelling cut off with a muffled "ouch," and I could hear the two arguing in whispers as they continued down the passageway.

"A sin, huh?" Abruptly I felt incredibly old. And very tired.

"All types in the system, man," Bailey said, shaking his head. The first signs of gray were starting to show at his temples, only really noticeable because his skin and the rest of the tight curls that hugged his scalp were so dark. The pilot had at least a decacycle on me, most of it spent flying nicer ships like the Marzi; top marks in flight school got his foot in the door and his laid-back attitude made him easy to work with. Plus he'd done some pretty impressive flying over the cycles, if even half of what I'd heard was true. I watched him push away from the table and wondered briefly if he was bored here. The jumpsuit pulled tight across his belly as he stood and stretched his back before throwing the remains of his meal and the discarded leavings of the other crewmembers into the recycler.

"I guess I know one guy who will be leaving us at Luna," I muttered. Bailey snorted and clapped me on the back before leaving me to my food.

The scene in the galley had gotten under my skin and I imagined the kid's face on the suspended gel pad I was pummeling later that evening. I'd been slacking on my gym time with everything that had happened with Cap. Burning off the excess energy from being pissed at the guy's words, the disgust on his face, was excellent motivation to mend that lapse. Ninety minutes later, I was dripping with sweat, my muscles were destroyed, and I still wanted to pound the little shit into paste. But at least now I couldn't lift my hand that high.

Things had been weird with the captain since that night in his quarters, and I figured that was mainly my doing. As far as I could tell, he didn't remember what he'd said, so if I could have just made myself ignore it, everything would have been fine. Until he got the courage to say it when he wasn't sloshed. Then there would be the anger and bitterness and awfulness that maybe I could avoid if I just ended things. I hadn't been so successful at that, though. I really fought the urge to open the door last night when he knocked, but I knew the whole time it was going to happen. Fuck, I'd been off the bed and halfway to the panel before I even thought to pause.

After hearing what he had to say, I was glad I'd opened up. And it wasn't like we had sex, though upon further consideration, I wasn't sure that was something to put in the win column. Two nights in a row I'd shared a bed with the guy without fucking. That was not my typical MO. I had perfectly good reasons each time, but it wasn't something I wanted to make a habit out of.

In an attempt to create distance as I showered off after my workout, I used the stall opposite the one we'd shared, which turned out to be a mistake. If I'd gone in and just washed off without thinking about it, I would have been fine. Instead, making a deliberate effort kept my mind on why I chose the stall I did, and the more I tried not to think about what had happened in the other one, the less I could think about anything else.

"Stop that," I growled down at my stiffening dick. Predictably, it ignored me.

I went to bed in my room, alone, with my back to the door. If he knocked tonight, I just wouldn't answer.

He didn't knock.

The ship had that expectant hush that only happens very late when its crew is asleep - it seemed like the Marzi herself was holding her breath, waiting to see what we'd do next - and I realized I was still lying there, muscles tense, waiting to hear the captain's knock at my door so I could ignore it. I tried to force myself to relax which, naturally, is about the worst way to go about it.

"Fuck it," I mumbled, flopping over onto my back. I told myself I was just concerned, that it had been a rough day and checking on my captain was the right thing to do as a member of his crew. It didn't pass the sniff test, not remotely, but it was enough to get me out of bed. Not even bothering to dress, I padded barefoot down the corridor in my shorts. Stopping in front of the captain's door, I stood there for a long moment, telling my feet to turn around and take me back to bed. The minute that followed was the longest of my life as I waited to see if Cap would answer my quiet knock. It gave me some sympathy for how he'd probably felt the night before.

The door slid open and he just stood there, blinking up at me, as if confused by my presence. I guess he had reason to be: I'd never sought him out before. Well, not in his room anyway. "I, uh, just wanted to check, make sure you're okay."

He stared at me a few moments more and then his face crumpled. Shaking his head, he finally moved to step aside, but I was already there, the door hissing shut behind me as I held him close. "I got you," I whispered into his hair. "I'm here. I got you." Matt's shoulders shook with sobs as he clung to me and I could feel his tears wetting my neck. Eventually the storm passed and we settled in bed. I snugged his back against my chest and wrapped an arm around him protectively.

"I screwed everything up, didn't I?" he asked in a watery voice.

"What? No! No, of course not."

He made a skeptical noise and turned to face me. "How can you say that? I lost the job that pays for all of this - the ship, the air, the food, all of it. Not to mention the salaries of the crew. You and the others, you all depend on me and I let you down."

"Not possible," I responded, brushing his hair back from his face and pressing a kiss to his brow. "You didn't lose some great job, Matt; you quit a job that was making you miserable. As for the rest, well, we'll figure it out." Blue eyes searched mine and I tried to push forward every bit of sincerity I possessed. Sure, I had my doubts, but putting those out there wasn't going to help either of us right then. "We'll figure it out," I repeated softly.

"Three people quit already." Shit.

"Who?"

"A couple of guys from the editing crew." I was willing to bet I knew those two. "One of the writers."

"That's not too bad. Who needs writers anyway?" I joked. Matt gave a weak chuckle. "Can you do without them?"

"Haven't you heard? I'm canceled," he said bitterly. "I can do without the entire creative team since there's no show for them to produce."

"So you're leaving half our people on Luna, then?"

"What? No! I said only three of them had - oh, I see what you're doing. Nice try." He glared at me and I shrugged a shoulder. "Just because I'm not firing a bunch of people doesn't mean I don't think I'm done."

"What comes next? After Luna, I mean."

"Does it matter?" I didn't answer right away. As we had been talking, I'd found myself focusing more and more on his mouth, specifically his lips. More specifically, my desire to kiss his lips. Taking a deep breath, I rolled onto my back and tried to remember what we'd been discussing. Oh, right. After.

"Well, we filled up on the essentials at the station, so why not just go nowhere? Head out into the black for a time, let the heat die down." Matt lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling as he considered my suggestion. I added that it would give him time to start putting out feelers to the places he wanted to work. He looked unconvinced, but tilted his head back and forth and said he would think about it. We lay quietly after that, not quite touching, and I didn't realize I was a tangle of anticipation and dread until I heard the change in his breathing that meant he was asleep. He hadn't said it again. My shoulders relaxed and I insisted to myself I wasn't even a little disappointed as I dropped off soon after.

It turned out that I was more selfish than I liked to think. The idea of going back to sleeping alone was unappealing, when I was honest with myself, so I didn't bother to keep trying. Without either of us saying anything out loud, we settled into a schedule in the days it took us to get to Luna: long after the rest of the crew was in bed, Cap would show up, knocking quietly at my door. Neither of us spoke much those nights. I would let him in and he would follow me back to bed, both of us crashing soon after. He was always up and heading back to his room by 0500. I didn't care if anyone else knew he was spending nights in my bunk, but he seemed to want to keep it quiet, so I went along.

Li gave me endless hell once she realized Matt and I were both half asleep most days. I didn't know if she'd ever talked to the captain about the leak or not, but for whatever reason, me and her were on much friendlier terms as we continued to work our way through the ship, blinding camera after camera. Never saying nothing to confirm or deny her speculations about why we were both short on sleep allowed me to keep quiet and work while she spun some pretty creative scenarios. Once or twice she almost made me blush.

The five crewmembers who ended up leaving us at Luna did so in a shuttle. The captain had Bailey park the Marzi half a day out and the XO took them in and made all the arrangements for their payment. Meanwhile, I did what I could to optimize our resource consumption until we reentered settled space. Though neither Matt or Li cared much for my idea of retreating to the black - unsurprising, since terrans have a hard time with the void - they didn't come up with anything they liked better by the time she'd returned from Earth's moon.

~*~

"I hate this."

"Tell me about it."

Alix and I were hiding in my room. I tried to pretend we were just having a discussion, that we'd decided on my quarters because they were more comfortable than either of our offices, but the truth was that neither of us could bear to face the command deck at the moment. Knowing we were heading deep into the black was one thing; watching the displays as we left human-settled space behind and drifted into the great void that yawned between the last of the colonies and the far-flung mining stations at the edge of the system was another. Rusty said our desire to hug settled space was "cute." Asshole.

"So you guys really aren't doing it?" my XO asked again.

"I've told you a million times, Leelee, no, we're not."

"I just don't get it - "

"I know." Whatever this thing with Rusty was, I didn't completely get it either. We were sleeping together, but we weren't having sex. We were basically strangers all day and then held each other close at night. And we didn't talk about it. I came to his room, he let me in, we slept, and I left. Rinse and repeat.

No matter how I tried to make things right between us, I was met with smiles and deflection. My offer to send a message for him, to clear his name to his friend, Buchanan, was gently refused. When I made it a point to work out while he was in the gym, he greeted me politely and then ignored me completely. Meals were a no-go: my entrance into the galley was the universal sign for all conversations to stop and everyone to begin filtering out as quickly as possible. If Rusty happened to be in there, he would stick around long enough to finish his food, and he would respond to questions or comments, but he was unwilling to initiate conversation.

All of this felt like he was putting distance between us, and I would have taken the hint and moved on, except for our nights together. After intruding on him that night I needed his advice, I forced myself to leave him alone the following night. Then the guy had shown up at my door and held me as I lost my shit, promising we would find a way through. We.

When my timid knock the night after had been answered almost immediately, like he was waiting for me, and then he led me to the bed and held me so tightly, I was left with no doubts about whether he wanted me there. And I wanted to be there. His very presence was reassuring; I knew he could handle whatever came along, so for a few short hours I could put aside the burden of leadership and just be.

And yet, no sex.

I knew he wanted me. Beyond the obvious physical tell, he made it clear in the way he touched me, the soft kisses he planted on my head or neck or back, but never my lips. I was painfully aware of how much I wanted him. Something had created a barrier between us, however. One that I would not cross, not until I was sure I was welcome on the other side.

Losing people from the crew had hurt more than anticipated. I was doubting myself more often, constantly seeking reassurance from my best friend and the guy who, despite my best efforts at restraint, I had started to think of as my boyfriend. Having him pull away from me without explanation at this moment undermined my already-crumbling confidence. I refused to invite more hurt. Instead, I just got endless hell from my best friend because both the engineer and I were walking around like zombies half the time.

There was a knock and I triggered the door control on my handheld. "Speak of the devil," I muttered when Rusty poked his head in and grinned at us. Li stifled a laugh.

"It's probably safe to come out now," he said, smirking. "The maps are clear and it's just us and the starshine out here." My stomach did a little flip and I noticed Alix was looking a bit green as well.

"So that's it? We're alone in the void?" Rusty confirmed that was the case. He winked at me before withdrawing, and I heard his boots thudding against the floor as he retreated down the corridor.

"Fuck," my XO whispered. I fully agreed.

As we drifted in the middle of nowhere, close to nothing and observed by nobody, I tried to figure out what the hell I was doing. Rusty and Li had finished removing the cameras on our way to Luna and they spent the first few days in the black moving the rest to better positions and rewiring the system to more efficiently focus on security. The original intent had been constant surveillance, with an eye toward usable footage, so the designers had stuffed kilometers of cables into the walls. With the aid of my remaining producer, they reconfigured the system and wrote a new protocol to make better use of our on-board data storage. My sound crew was intact and had volunteered to help the engineer with the comms so the Marzi was no longer listening in on everyone's conversations. One of the graphic designers turned out to be a whiz at developing algorithms; she and Alix completely gutted and rewrote our external communications so that text and video messages could be sent and received freely.