Out in the Black Ch. 09

Observing the way my crew pulled together, it was hard not to get the idea that leaking the video had been the best thing that could have happened to the Marzipan Dream. It also went a long way toward restoring my faith in my own decisions. I still wasn't going to be jumping feet first at any point in the near future, but my foundation wasn't nearly as shaky. Now I just had to find a way to keep us afloat.

I had been extending cautious feelers to a few people I knew in the industry, trying to judge the way the winds were blowing, see if I could find the right time to jump back in. When I got a response at all - which was not often - it was always some version of "not yet." It was discouraging, to say the least, but I tried to put a good face on it for the crew.

Closing out the first tenday since the video's release, I was getting antsy. Waiting had never been my forte and no one who knew me would list patience among my virtues. I was simultaneously exhausted and wired and I could feel that before long, something was going to snap. As I made my way to Rusty's that night, I almost turned back twice. What were we doing? And why? I was in limbo with my crew, my career was in a holding pattern, and this thing with my engineer felt like relationship purgatory. Nothing was going anywhere and I'd had it up to my eyeballs with treading water.

I leaned against the wall and looked at the door, which surprised me by sliding open even as I registered the cool smoothness of the panel against my hand. I entered hesitantly, my eyes immediately locking on Rusty, who was naked from the waist up and reading in his bunk.

"Hey," he said, looking up with a small smile.

"What?" I gestured behind me where the door had slid shut. "How?"

Rusty chuckled softly. "Yeah, about that - " He rubbed the back of his neck and looked up at me through his eyelashes. "I added you a while back. When I went to tell you, though, I got - I don't know - embarrassed? It seemed stupid, so I just never said anything."

My heart was suddenly doing acrobatics, but I kept my face carefully neutral. He had told the ship to allow me in his room as if I lived there. In some of the old books I read growing up, there had been a point in a relationship when one person gave the other a key to their place. This always seemed like a big step, like they were declaring their intention to share their lives with one another. The way things had been between us, Rusty couldn't be viewing this with the same context, but that didn't stop me from celebrating internally.

The engineer was still looking at me and I realized I had just been standing there, not saying anything. "Guess now that I know, I can save you the effort of getting up to let me in." There, that sounded casual enough.

"Guess so." He gave me a crooked smile, his eyes lingering on my face before he dragged them back to his handheld. "You coming to bed?" He didn't have to ask me twice. I climbed in next to him and lay on my side, head propped on my hand while I watched him read for a while.

"What's got you so absorbed tonight?" I asked when it seemed he had no intention of putting the screen away.

"Huh?" He blinked and glanced over at me. "Oh, it's just news from some folks I know back on the Ring."

"Anything you feel like sharing?"

"Nothing you want to hear."

"Try me," I challenged him. Rusty studied my face for a moment before making his decision.

"Okay then. The kids on the station are getting sick. Nobody knows what's causing it, but some folks suspect it's the new cleaning mix they're using to hose down the corridors. It's supposed to be some all-purpose shit, gets rid of graffiti and germs, but the smell has been bugging some of the less-healthy residents and now this mystery illness shows up." He tucked the handheld away and turned to face me, expression grim.

"Shit. That sounds awful. Can they treat it? Nobody's dying, right? Or it would be on all the newsfeeds."

Rusty barked a humorless laugh. "Might be, Cap, if it were happening to people on the upper decks. These kids, though, they're in the Bottoms. Nobody's gonna report on that." I felt the urge to argue, deny what he had claimed, but I swallowed it. We both knew he wasn't wrong.

"Damn, Rusty. I'm sorry. Is there anything they can do?"

"They who?" His lips twisted bitterly. "The doctors that don't go below the mid decks? The relief workers that come and go, looking for a feel-good hit? The fucking governor? Who exactly is gonna do shit for these kids?" Rusty's voice had risen as he spoke until he was nearly yelling. Eyes and lips shut tight, he inhaled and exhaled through his nose. "Sorry, Cap. I don't mean to take it out on you. It's the same fuckery as always. You'd think I'd be used to it by now."

I reached over and put a hand on his knee. "It's not something you should have to get used to." He stared at my fingers for a moment before his hand moved to cover mine. I was sure he was going to push me away, thanks but no thanks, and I was steeling myself for having yet another layer added to the barrier. Instead, he wrapped his hand around mine and left it there. I looked up into his eyes and forgot how to breathe.

"Thank you," he whispered. The kiss was coming. I could feel it, the tension between us, drawing us together. Rusty blinked and looked away, shifting and clearing his throat, and the moment was broken. "Fuck, it's late," he said loudly, making a show of getting into a comfortable sleeping position. Sighing, I followed suit. "Goodnight, Cap." I grumbled a response.

Our bodies were pressed together and the heat of him was incredible, but there were no kisses along the back of my neck tonight. The arm that usually held me close, the hand that often lay flat against my stomach, were draped loosely along my side. I felt a wave of irritation at the stubborn man behind me and my skin prickled in its wake. Despite that and my earlier restlessness, I still fell into an uneasy sleep soon after Rusty's breathing had deepened.

Something woke me. A noise of some kind, though I couldn't hear it at the moment. I lay there, straining my ears, until it came again: a sharp cry behind me, this time followed by quiet weeping. Moving cautiously, I rolled to find Rusty curled up into himself, his knees and forehead pressed to the wall. He cried out again and his body flinched as if struck. He was still crying, whispering the word "no" repeatedly as his breath shuddered in and out.

"Rusty," I called softly, hoping to wake him without startling him. "Rusty." A little louder that time, but there was still no response. I lay a tentative hand against his shoulder blade and he jerked like I had shocked him.

"No. No, please. No more," he whimpered, trying to pull away from me. Tears pricked my eyes. The light caught the line of scar tissue that slashed across his back. My fingers traced delicately along the ridged flesh and he cried out again.

"It's okay, Rusty," I murmured. "You're safe now. Everything will be okay." He shook his head and pressed closer to the wall. I kept my touch gentle as I slowly stroked his arm and repeated that he was safe, that nobody was going to hurt him anymore. Sudden, violent movement saw him clinging to me, his face pushing against my chest, the tears wetting my bare skin. I wrapped my arms around him and held him as he sobbed.

When he quieted, I pulled away just enough to look into his face. His eyes were open, staring vacantly into the past. Tightening my grip, I pressed my cheek against his head and my own tears fell unnoticed into his hair. Eventually the nightmare receded and he slept deeply once more, but even then his hold on me did not ease.