Out in the Black Ch. 19

This is a book-length work, so not every chapter will involve sex. If you're just looking for a quick wank, this may not be your story.

Thanks for reading!

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Moving in together did not cause the outcry the captain had feared. For the most part, it was barely even noticed. The XO had her say, of course, but as I'd expected, the vast majority of the crew didn't give a shit. It wasn't like we made some big announcement; we just put the word out and let it spread organically through the ship. Cap wanted everyone to know so they were clear on where things stood, but otherwise figured it was none of their business. Most everyone seemed to agree.

"So, you and the captain, huh?" Bailey asked me one day when I was making some adjustments to the pilot console. I glanced up to see him leaning against the bulkhead, hands stuffed in his pockets, watching me work with his usual non-expression.

"Yup," I answered from where I lay on my back, halfway under his machine.

"Okay then." He shifted his feet, hitched at his clothes. "Think I could have your old quarters?"

"Why?" It wasn't that I expected them to stay empty, but other than Cap's and Li's, all the crew quarters were pretty much the same.

"Closer to the head."

"Ah. I don't see why not."

"Okay then," he said again, and that was it.

Really, I think a lot of the crew had already figured out that something was going on with me and Cap. I'd never really cared to hide it, and it wasn't like the Marzi was that big. The ship's atmosphere had changed while I was stuck in the hospital, though. Where before there was this kind of bubble around the captain and most folks felt they needed a good reason to talk to him, after I came back I noticed people greeting him like they would a friend, cracking jokes and shit.

The whole time we were stuck at Ring Station, waiting for the Enforcers or whoever to tell us we could go, my crewmates were bringing suggestions to the captain about all kinds of ship related stuff or things he'd maybe like to cover on his show. Even people like the new girl we'd picked up on Earth to do some graphic design - people who I'd seen looking at Cap like he was superhuman or something - would join us if we were eating in the galley and actually make conversation. It was weird. Good, but weird.

Of course, I was also twitchy since I was still on restricted duty and we weren't flying, so there wasn't all that much for me to do on the Marzi. I started spending more and more time in the Bottoms, helping out where I could with construction of the Rec - which got me about a thousand lectures from Matt and the doc - and working with Scrap and Adrenaline. And Lissa. Following my gut had been the right call with both boys and I was proud the captain's instincts were on point with the girl.

The Rec itself was an unexpected bonus. Cap told me about the whole Geeta sending money thing, but even so, the flood of donations after the explosion surprised the hell out of me. A bunch went to LowDRI, of course, which I was okay with as long as they actually used them to help the people of the Bottoms. Not that they asked my opinion. I don't know what changed - Cap insisted he didn't put anything out - but about two days before my release from Beacon, the credits started coming to us instead. Some of the messages were just addressed to the ship as a whole. A good number of them were sent to the captain. The vast majority of the donations were sent directly to me, though, and I knew fuck all about what to do with them.

Doc could tell something was bugging me when I went to see her for one of those damn checkups everyone kept insisting on; she wouldn't let me leave the med bay unless I spilled my guts. So I did. It was actually her suggestion to set up some sort of foundation for a community center on 184. I mentioned the idea to Cap and the XO over dinner that night, and by 0900 the next day, Li handed me a provisional charter for the Lower Decks Foundation and informed me I was to meet with the Secretaries of Health and Environment that afternoon. If I thought I'd been panicking before, well...

After watching me squirm for a good minute or so, the XO let me know she and the captain would be coming to the meetings as well, which was a good thing if they actually wanted something productive to come out of them. I'm good with my hands, but not so much with my mouth. At least not when talking is involved. Can't do nothing without bureaucracy, naturally, so the whole thing got way too complicated. But eventually we had the plans for the Deck 184 Recreation and Community Activity Center drawn up - including a clinic with a couple of DOTS - and were set to break ground, so to speak.

The boys went on a recruiting spree. Each of them built themselves a team and Lissa proved to be good at figuring out where to put people, so she acted as production manager for the whole gang. Her parents weren't exactly thrilled that their daughter was spending time in the Bottoms, but since she was sort of working with us and we were still big news, they didn't protest too much. Not where anyone could hear them, anyway. And they didn't quite dare forbid her from associating with us. I argued that it was better she was openly working at the Rec than sneaking down as a tourist, but I don't think they found that very convincing. Her dad especially was a real piece of work. Made me think perhaps I had the better deal as far as parents go.

Cap okayed me setting them all up with pretty decent stuff: he planned to upgrade the equipment we used, so I had free rein with all the leftovers from our de-camarafying of the ship. On top of the med clinic and classrooms and other general areas in the Rec, we claimed a small corner as a media studio. After seeing how useful the kids' footage could be, the creative team was plenty happy to help give them some training on lighting and angles and editing and a bunch of other crap. We agreed to air their vids on our feed -- subject to approval by Cap and the XO, of course - until the Rec could get something of their own up and running.

Overall, by the time we were set to leave the station, it started to seem like nearly being blown up had done more positive than not. Cap's ribs were good as new and I was back to about 90% and getting better each day. Plus we were feeling rather pleased about helping the people of the Bottoms improve their lot. I'd been a bit worried the shits from the uppers would swoop in and undo everything once we were gone, but after the XO announced that content broadcast from the Bottoms would be licensed by Alix Li Productions, I figured they were put on notice that we'd be watching.

So the kids were doing good, people in the Bottoms would have permanent access to actual medical facilities - limited as they may be - and things were looking up. I'd run every diagnostic I possibly could a dozen times over to make sure my girl was ready to fly. Me and Cap were settling into sharing space and the XO even stayed off my ass most of the time. Life was running pretty smooth, so of course Cap had to go and short everything out.

See, he had already developed a plan for the next two projects and a third was coming together. Sounded like progress until he broke the news that our next stop was Mars so he could talk to the family of the guy who had tried to explode us. Cap's got a giant pair of titanium balls, I'll say that for him. The man never ceases to surprise me.

"You know this is a bad idea, right?"

My mouth was full of food, so I just pointed at the XO and nodded emphatically. Matt gave me a look like I'd betrayed him. "Sorry, but she's right," I said once I had swallowed the bite.

He once again ran through his reasons, how he thought it was important we show kindness to the parents of Drake Harmony and use the opportunity to spotlight how different colonies were dealing with mental health issues. Or not dealing with them, as seemed to be the case with this Harmony guy. Cap told me not to be so quick to judge, but the guy had tried to murder him, so I was feeling pretty fucking judgy.

"Mac," Li interrupted, "we heard you the first three times. I just don't think any of those arguments are compelling enough to risk putting you in the presence of the family of the man who tried to kill you. Am I right?" The last bit was aimed at me. I closed my eyes and resigned myself to never getting laid again.

"I only want to keep you safe, Matt," I said, once more not taking my guy's side.

"Fine. Lucky for me, I don't need your permission." Matt looked down at his plate and focused on pushing his food around. It didn't look like he'd eaten much of anything.

"Not exactly true," the XO said quietly. She wasn't wrong. The captain didn't need my approval, but our equipment, the Marzi, even the feed that housed our content, were all technically owned by Alix Li Productions. That fact had surprised the hell out of me when Matt finally clued me in. It was something they set up while I was in the hospital. Actually, it was something that they had to set up because I was in the hospital. Matt kept trying to convince me they were going to do it anyway, but there was no way I believed the arrangement would have been the same.

The captain didn't tell me how much the transfer and surgery and hospital stay had cost until a few days after I was released. He wouldn't have told me at all, but I happened to be in the room while he was upstairs discussing it with Li in his office and I overheard. Okay, I might have been eavesdropping just a little. Before donations started pouring in, the Beacon needed some assurances we were good for the credits; Matt agreed to sign the ship over to Li if she would allow him to put it up as collateral. More accurately, the captain insisted on signing it over, something he was probably regretting at this point.

"Just - " he sighed. "Just give me a chance to put something together before you shut me down. Please."

Alix groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Fine. You have one tenday to wow me or we're pulling the plug on the Harmony thing. I think the rest of it is a good idea, though." Matt seemed to accept this as fair and the rest of the meal went by relatively peacefully. He took off with our dishes rather abruptly once we had finished, however, so I didn't let myself relax and assume I wasn't going to get an earful later. Instead, I took the opportunity to express something I'd been meaning to tell the XO.

"Thanks for that, by the way. I meant to tell you forever ago."

"Thanks for what?" She gave me a confused look and I realized my thoughts had wandered pretty far from our actual conversation.

"The whole hospital stay collateral thing. I hated being away from my girl," I said, running a hand over the top of the table, "but I know recovering there got me healed up a hell of a lot faster."

Li nodded and considered me for a moment. "You know, if you really want to thank me, you'll figure your shit out." I winced and she stared at me, unrepentant. "And by your shit, I mean how you fucking feel about my fucking best friend."

"I know. I'm trying!" I protested.

"Try harder." She was half my size but the XO could put a person in their place without breaking a sweat. "I want this to work out. For all our sakes."

"I want that, too," I said. It was hard not to drop my eyes and avoid her glare, but I needed Alix to see that I was taking this seriously. I knew that, no matter what he said, Matt's patience wouldn't last forever. I truly didn't want to lose this thing that was happening between us, but I couldn't say whether that was because I was in love with him or due to a need for security or what. Li shook her head and gave me a mock salute as she left for her own quarters. I sat at the table alone, biting my lip and picking at a fingernail, once again going in circles in my head.

~*~

"Rusty, I can't!" My protest went unheeded. I might as well have saved my breath. I knew he wasn't going to listen to me, but I continued to try. I really did have a lot of work to do and it was never going to get done if he kept dragging me out to eat dinner with the crew. It wasn't that I was against having a meal with them, but it was never just a meal. It was dinner and then it was hours of sharing stories and laughing and, yes, it was always a good time. But I had work to get done to keep paying for the food we ate and the ship we ate it in. And my - well, Rusty - refused to let me do it.

"Come on, Matt." Tugging on my arm, he all but dragged me out of my - shit, our - our quarters. I hadn't lived with anyone since college, and I'd never shared space with a romantic partner, so it was an adjustment. One I was happy to make, of course. But still a big change in my life, one my mental vocabulary was not yet on board with.

As we crossed into the corridor, I briefly considered activating the heavy magnets in my boots. I figured Rusty would just pick me up, however, and being carried into the galley by the guy I was living with was not something I needed attached to my reputation. The scandal around how I left my previous job was largely forgotten in the wave of goodwill that washed over us from being the intended victims of such a horrific attack and the positive reception surrounding my reporting on the Bottoms. But Rusty tossing my ass over his shoulder and hauling me in for dinner would be a story that would get around the system faster than anything I could report.

"Fine," I said, giving in gracelessly. Rusty smirked at me and slid his hand down so he could interlace his fingers with mine. Damn. Heat built in my belly and I couldn't help but smile back at him. The engineer knew just how irresistible I found him, even when I was grumpy. We were still holding hands as we walked into the galley and, as expected, we didn't get back to our quarters until it was quite late.

"Come to bed, Matt," Rusty insisted, taking the tablet out of my hand and placing it on the table. "You've been yawning constantly for the last half hour. All the news will still be there tomorrow." I scowled at him, but the effect was somewhat ruined by yet another yawn. I started to climb under the sheets and he stopped me again, peeling off my undershirt and tossing it in the direction of the wardrobe. As per usual, he was already in just his shorts.

"Nope," I argued. "If I'm too tired for work, I'm too tired for - oh my god." In true Rusty fashion, he cut straight through whatever was keeping him from his goal. In this case, my objections. There are definite benefits to sleeping with someone who knows your body so well. The downside is that they know you well enough to shut you up by, say, nibbling on your collarbone. Or maybe licking the hollow of your throat. Or working their fingers inside the elastic of your undershorts...

"Rusty, I'm - " another yawn " - serious."

"Okay, okay." He gave in with more dignity than I had earlier, by far. Hugging me tightly, he planted a loud kiss on my forehead. I snuggled up to him and got comfortable, wriggling until my parts were resting in their favorite spots. Rusty hummed happily and kissed the top of my head before rubbing his cheek against my hair. It was nice. This. Us. Together in my bed. Fuck. Our bed.

"How do you feel right now?" Rusty's voice rumbled low in his chest.

"Tired." He chuckled and my head bounced with the movement. "Content."

"Content is good. I like content."

"Me too, darling." I inhaled deeply and let out a sigh, my body relaxing against his. "I love you." His arm tightened around me for a moment, but he didn't say anything. It was okay. I wasn't expecting him to. Not really. I knew he was trying, was working his way through his feelings. And I could be patient. I could. Did it still hurt a bit to say those words and not hear them back? Of course. But I firmly believed love shouldn't be a transaction. Love was something you gave freely, without expectation of anything in return. Even so, it was obviously more pleasant when there was a return.

I knew Rusty loved me. I was pretty sure he knew it, too, but he was attached to this project of his - to making sure that when he said "love" he knew what he meant. And I could appreciate that. Dedication was an admirable quality in a partner. Were there sometimes I just wanted to shake him until the words fell out? Yes, naturally. I wasn't perfect, after all. But it was more important to know I was loved, even if it was never explicitly stated, than to hear the words all the time and doubt the sincerity behind them.

"Matt." He spoke my name softly. I hummed in response. "If you keep that up, your dentites will be out of a job."

"What?" I rolled my head so I could see him.

"You're grinding your teeth so hard there won't be anything left." Oh. I forced my jaw to relax, not realizing how tense it had been until the soreness kicked in.

"Is everything okay?" Rusty asked. The way he lay perfectly still other than his chest rising and falling with his deep, even breathing combined with the level manner in which he'd voiced his question, devoid of emotion, to tell me he had an idea about what had gotten under my skin and was bracing for my answer. I knew the whole process he was going through with his emotions stressed him out. But when I'd asked if he'd prefer I not say the "L" word either, he told me absolutely not. He liked hearing it even as it made him feel guilty about not being able to say it back.

"I love you," I said, answering the question he hadn't asked.

"I know," Rusty responded, still in that even tone.

"I love you," I repeated, sitting up and moving to straddle him. He raised an eyebrow at me, but otherwise didn't respond. I leaned down to kiss him and his arms came around my ribs, holding me loosely as he kissed me back. There was still that hesitation, that guardedness in him. Pulling away just far enough I could look at him without going cross-eyed, I waited for Rusty to meet my gaze. Those brown eyes came up and I could see the maelstrom of emotion that was wracking the man I loved: confusion, fear, and hurt churned roughly, colliding with desire and affection. Dwarfing the rest was a need so powerful I nearly recoiled.

"I love you," I whispered to the man staring back at me, baring his soul. "I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart." This time Rusty initiated the kiss and he held me tight enough my ribs creaked.

"What in the fuck is up your boy's ass?" Alix demanded of me days later. I was slumped over the table in my quarters with my head pillowed on my forearms. Her voice sent a spike of agony shooting back through my brain and I just groaned and rocked my head slightly. "Seriously, Mac, it's not just me he's pissing off."

"I know!"

"I'm not sure you do." The table wobbled a bit as she dropped into a seat and the wash of pain from my jostled head made me swallow hard, fighting the urge to vomit. "Half the crew has taken to running when they see him coming and the other half wish they could do the same. Even Bailey has mentioned - wait, are you drunk?"

"No." I was afraid to risk more than a single syllable.

"You're looking pretty green there, Mac. Hungover?"

"Migraine," I mumbled. The fear had not been unfounded. My stomach heaved and I raced for the toilet cubicle. Alix made sympathetic noises that I could barely hear over the ringing in my ears between bouts of retching. When my gut finally accepted there was nothing left to throw up, she guided me to the bed and cleaned my face with a damp cloth. Retrieving my meds, she helped me sit up and take them with water before getting me settled once more, another damp cloth cool on my forehead and the lids of my eyes.

"It's been a while since you had one this bad," the XO observed quietly. I didn't bother to respond. "Have you seen the doc?" I could feel her looking at me, taking in the lines of pain bracketing my mouth and eyes. "I'll take your silence as a 'no.'" Alix sighed. "Mac, this isn't good. If your headaches are coming back, we need to know why."