Out in the Black Ch. 19

"No, it's not - I just haven't been sleeping well, that's all." Nothing. "You know they were always at their worst when I wasn't getting enough sleep." More silence. "Alix?"

"You're telling me you fucked your way to a migraine?" Her voice was flat and I winced, knowing that tone meant an epic dressing-down was on the way.

"I wish," I mumbled, against my better judgment. Better she think I was taking advantage of officially sharing a bed with Rusty than learn the truth.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it. The meds will kick in and knock me out and I'll be fine when I wake up."

"Mac," she responded, clear warning in her tone.

"Alix, it's nothing." Even I could tell I didn't sound convincing. "Rusty's not - he's stressed and it's interrupting his sleep, so I'm not getting enough rest, either. Don't worry about it. Things will settle down and - "

"So, not only is he terrorizing the crew," my best friend interrupted, "but he's also harassing you into migraines. This isn't good, Mac."

"He's not 'harassing' me," I snapped, then groaned as my head throbbed in retaliation. "Fuck." It took me a few moments of breathing through the pain before it settled again. "It's just - " I sighed. "It's taking him longer to recover than he likes, so he's grumpy."

"Grumpy," she repeated skeptically.

"Hey," I objected, "I remember when you broke your arm that time and they kept you off of flight duty for two weeks. I started taking extra tutoring jobs to keep me out of our room because you were impossible to live with."

"That's not the same - "

"You're right, it's not." I could tell my meds were kicking in because the anger seeping into my voice no longer made me feel nauseous. "We were drunk and being stupid kids, thinking we were invincible. Rusty was nearly killed saving my life. I think he's earned the right to be grumpy. Or pissy. Or whatever you want to call it."

"I'm not saying - "

"Yes, you are," I interrupted again, defensiveness swamping the guilt I felt, knowing I was being a jerk to my best friend. "You're getting involved in something that's honestly none of your business." The silence following that remark was absolute. My voice echoed in my ears and suddenly I felt like shit. "Leelee, I'm sorry - "

"No," she cut me off. "You're right. Your relationship is none of my business."

"I didn't mean it like that," I protested weakly.

"What is my business," she continued as if I hadn't spoken, "is the crew of this ship. The person in this relationship with you - this relationship that is none of my business - that person is negatively affecting the morale of this crew. The crew that is my business."

"Hell." I dug my thumbs into the ridge of bone above my eye sockets. "Leelee." I groaned. "I'm sorry, okay? I feel awful and I'm tired and I acted like an asshole." She let me twist a few moments longer before relenting and sitting on the edge of the bunk. Alix placed a cool hand against my cheek before taking the cloth and rewetting it. "I am sorry," I repeated when she returned.

"I know, Mac. Me too." She had dimmed the lights at some point and I was able to look at her without feeling like my head was going to explode, which was a nice change.

"Thank you for taking care of me." The XO placed the folded cloth on my forehead again. Fine-boned fingers combed gently through my hair and I hummed in appreciation. "I'll talk to Rusty, okay? Let him know to take it easy on the crew." She snorted. "Well, easier," I amended.

"I appreciate it. Get some sleep, kiddo."

I may have mumbled something in response, but I have no idea what. I was out by the time she left the room. I woke up sometime later to my favorite smell in the system.

"Gimme," I demanded before even opening my eyes.

"Hello to you, too." Rusty's voice held amusement as he helped me sit up and pressed a warm mug into my hand. I inhaled the fragrant steam and made a noise that may have bordered on obscene. "How are you, babe?" The fingers that brushed my hair back from my face were noticeably larger and more callused than those that had helped me sleep earlier, but they were no less welcome. "The XO told me you were sleeping off a migraine?"

I made a vague noise in response, my entire focus on enjoying my first pain-free moments of the day. Of the last few days, if I was being honest. As I sipped my coffee, I scolded myself for ignoring the warning signs. I knew what the lead-up to one of my headaches felt like. If I had stopped denying what was going on and taken the proper steps, I could have avoided losing an entire day to a migraine and acting like an ass with Alix.

"Matt?" I opened my eyes to find Rusty watching me.

"Sorry, yeah." I rubbed my forehead, more out of habit than anything. The drugs had done their work, though the sleep surely hadn't hurt. "I used to get them all the time when I was younger. I haven't had one in cycles, though."

"Oh." He gave me an indecipherable look before retrieving the cloth that had fallen to the floor and taking it to the wardrobe. He busied himself there for longer than expected, keeping his back to me, and it dawned on me what I'd said.

"It's not your fault, Rusty."

"Yeah." Those big shoulders gave a small shrug. Forcing myself out of bed, I realized I was going to have to do something about my bladder soon, but first I needed to do something about Rusty's hurt feelings. Shuffling barefoot across the room, I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist. My cheek pressed against his back and I could feel my head move with his breathing. We stayed like that for some time. Every once in a while, I was sure he was going to say something, but he stayed stubbornly quiet.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked finally.

"No." Rusty turned in my arms and hugged me close. "No, I don't. But I think I have to."

"Okay." I pulled away. "Just give me a sec."

Bodily needs taken care of, I found Rusty seated cross-legged on our bed. Rather than taking up my usual conversational position facing him, I crawled into his lap and tucked my head under his chin. He jerked in surprise, but didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around me.

"I'm listening. Whenever you're ready." Those arms tightened and Rusty took a deep breath. And then he talked.