All Comments on 'Outlander'

I generally like these kinds of stories, but I'd caution you to slow things down and try to keep things more realistic. Nobody really likes a Gary Stu character.

For instance, while the guy's SWAT and that would obviously give him a level of competence and knowledge.... making him a master of three unarmed combat arts and expert at a handful more.... come on! Who can really lay claim to titles like that without dedicating their life to the study of such things? Would that person be working as a police officer? Doesn't the latter keep him plenty busy enough?

On top of that, he's seemingly moving into the fast lane, the top of society, without a hitch. Sure, it's reasonable that he'd help out the humans in the wagon rather than the ugly trolls or ogres, and it's reasonable that he'd make decent fatal hits with his pistol. But.... to then just happily fall into a friendship with the group, even maybe falling in love with the princess he's only met a couple hours ago? Does that sound realistic?

Finally, in the fight with the brigands, he goes hand-to-hand when he has a carbine right there. He uses his 5.56 to drop the lead baddie, but then decides to help out by pulling a 4" folding knife on someone wielding armor and a battle axe? No. That's so far over the top that it's not even funny. Nobody who is a "master" at any form of combat would have set aside a carbine so they could go up against an armed opponent of unknown skill with what amounts to a butter knife.

Maybe you were trying to make it a scary moment or add some tension, but it came across as amazingly silly. The M4 can reach out to 100yds with pinpoint accuracy. It could easily punch through medieval-style armor. There was no logic or realism to that scene because there wasn't any need for the hero to get within range of swords and axes. As soon as the lead bad guy said something mean, the hero could have dropped all nine of the smelly bastards with a few pulls of the trigger.

Again, this ties back to the notion that he's supposed to be a trained professional. As such, he'd know to keep his distance. He'd be aware of the 21-foot Rule. He'd know the risks, and he'd want to keep the upper hand in the confrontation. There's nothing about his training that would say it is a good idea to have a melee when he's holding an M4 and already dropped several guys with it. What happened to his pistol? Why drop the M4 and go for a small knife when his pistol should be on his duty belt right by his handcuffs?

So, that's my take. Lots of potential, but too much of the Gary Stu and general lack of realism. Slow the pace down a good bit. Give your lead character time to acclimate, to get the sense of his surroundings, figuring out what in the world just happened to him, and then introduce other characters and love interests. Were it me, this entire installment would have involved the Hero simply walking the land, trying to find shelter and stay hidden until he'd gotten a better understanding of the topography and all the other jive that goes with surviving in a hostile environment -- exactly what his SERE School training would have taught him. To just jump right into a fight moments after he's describing serious pain from the crash, and then start falling in love with the princess.... it's just too much too soon.

Hey there, welcome to the site!

For your first story, this is a pretty good start, and I love this sort of "stranger in a storage land" plotline. There's definitely some room for improvement, though:

Editing. Did you do an editing pass on this before you published it, or did you just write it and hit upload? There are a number of small errors that could have been caught - I reccomend printing out a physical copy and reading it out loud to yourself. It's a little cheat sheet to bypass the bit of your brain that knew what you *meant* to write, and instead tells you what's actually on the page.

One big thing that needs to be fixed is the spacing in dialog. Remember that every time the speaker changes, it should be the start of a new paragraph. There was one interaction with the princess in particular that confused the heck out of me before I realized that it was Shaun speaking in the second half.

Finally, exposition. As a writer, one of the best things you can do to make your story and world engaging is to follow the adage, "show, don't tell." There's lots of information about what that means online, but the gist of it is that getting information through description will always be more engaging. "The slim man looked around nervously before licking his lips and replying, 'yes, yes, of course that's what's best.'" That gives the same information as, "He seemed untrustworthy," but both tells the reader why, fleshes out the character, and lets the reader draw that conclusion themselves. (Same thing for, say, "the city stank." Instead you could describe the smell, the masses of people pressing against each other in the sweltering heat, and so forth.)

Anyways, I look forward to your progress as a writer. Keep it up!

Not a bad story. A few grammatical errors. But otherwise pretty good.

More please!

Great start. I like this type of story.

I liked the story Concept but the story pacing felt very rushed. This chapter could have just as easily been three by adding more details and developing the characters more.

For example...

The first chapter could be about the main characters back story and end with him falling into the next universe.

The second chapter could have been about the rescue of the princess and learning about their world in more detail.

The third chapter could have been about the discovery of his magic, the danger he is in and by who and the attempted assassination.

Each chapter should have been about 2-3 pages. I think you had enough scenes in this chapter that if you would have drawn it out could have been 6 or 7 pages.

Great story i have really enjoyed it so far , Please keep it going

I will be eagerly awaiting each portion of your story! Great start, and great potential...

Thanx for all the great feedback. I will eventually update this part of the story. All feedback is being considered for the next part and after. If you are going to leave an indepth critic, please don't be anonymous. I will respond directly to you through the direct contact option on your profile. I hope to have the next part submitted around 7/28/20, keep an eye on my profile for updates!!

Geez, you really need to keep this story going. The premise is really engaging, well written & you’ve left us on a cliff hanger. Hope you intend to keep up the good work! I’d definitely like to read more. 5 stars

no you suck

Well, you did say please. Most of my comments have already been covered by others below. What was the point of the 'pre chapter 1' stuff? Cut that part out, you don't need it. The other thing is this guy is now a demigod with the arsenal of a small army. It is like Star Wars but Luke skips the whole training deal and just becomes Darth Vader at full power. He is so overpowered it will make it difficult to find him a challenge--super heroes need super villains.

Finally, I would recommend you think harder about tagging. Many people use tags to find stories or decide if they want to read them. Use all 10 if possible. Go to tags.literotica, click on sci-fi and pick from those tags.

Keep writing!

The comment under this physically hurt to read,

First off, Luke didn't become Darth Vader, his father Anakin did, hence the quote, "I' am your father". Such a noob mistake.

Secondly I think he found 4 rifles, 3 or 4 submachine guns, a couple pistols and explosives, that's not a small army's worth of weapons, maybe a squad or two worth.

I've read a few stories like this, the MC goes to a new world and he has everything he'll need and is really powerful, its fun but doesn't make a good read, it's like playing a game with all the cheats, fun but boring.

Just read this first chapter, and i have to say, very nice start to what seems like a very entertaining story, unfortunately i do have to agree with some of the previous comments.

You really need to take your time, the chapter felt incredibly rushed. The back story to Shaun was unnecessary in this chapter, or it could've been used in a dialogue with the princess as a means to bring them closer (it being a sore subject for the MC) and a catalyst for their romance. The romance itself can be influenced by whatever force brought Shaun to the world he’s in now, along with the veritable armory and stupid amount of magic he’s received.

The relationship with the remaining characters laos feels a little rushed, not quite as bad as the whirlwind romance with the princess, but going from veritable strangers to family in a single day is a bit speedy to say the least.

Those things, along with better editing passes, come with time and experience, but the one thing that really REALLY irked me was the use of “ok” by the princess and the catgirl. Keep the modern expressions to Shaun if you please.

A shame I didn’t read the chapter when it first came out, the good of it is I get to read the next 2 chapters in quick succession hehe.

remembered after submiting my last comment. When enumerating objects try to use the written number. For example:

"Inside was 20 9-bang flash bangs and 30 M61 Fragmentation grenades"

would become:

"Inside were twenty 9-bang flash bangs and thirty M61 Fragmentation grenades"

i know it a bit of a chore but it eases the reading process. When i first read that passage i had to go back and re-read it a couple times beacuse i though i'd missed something.

A very interesting story. Some typos, but the story has legs. Good work.

Liked it a lot, won’t leave any constructive feedback because everyone else has said what I would have. Quick question I see nothing in this chapter,is my phone screwing up again,or is it on to chapter two?

Thank you for creating this, I am looking forward to the next chapter!

Good stuff so far. One minor quibble, having the brigand taken out like that raises the question of why the hidden assassin didn't just kill or hero the rest of the guards and then finish off the princess. If he can hit a prone man through the skull while remaining completely undetected then there should be a reason that he doesn't try to finish the mission. Shaun and the guards didn't even take cover from a hidden sniper.

I agree with the previous criticisms, it feels rushed; like you could have expounded on his assessment, he could have checked himself, checked his supplies in detail, then investigated his immediate surroundings so we get a solid description of the world before he comes across the fight. Then there’s the relationship development which is progressing insanely fast for someone who is amazed at having friends already even though it’s been a day and not having much more than an introductory conversation.

The last niggles I noticed is he prays to get back to his family while the van falls but then informs everyone that he doesn’t any family left. Also instead of the remarkable arrow sniper shot to kill the bandit you could have explained the bandits death with magic, he could have been “cursed” if he revealed any details about his employer, he would die instantly.

Otherwise interesting start looking forward to where it goes

It's a real shame that the author treated this like an extended synopsis rather than an actual novel. So many good themes going on but the whole love at first sight thing is overly rushed and even the dialogue in general is more a summary of things rather than any type of organic conversation. The lack of description of the place he finds himself is quite telling as well everything is the absolute minimum to escape to the next scene.

I read this before and have a similar sense of disapointment like others. This is a good start to what could be a great story.