Ozzy Ch. 01

Ozzy 01

Well, to me, I was just going across the street, so wearing barely more than a normal Saturday night pair of shorts and tall socks seemed okay to me. And it doesn't matter that across the street means that I drove from four streets deeper in the neighborhood and had to make a couple of left turns to get to Jack and Stan's place. What mattered was that Stan was injured and leaving an injured old friend alone with a roomie like Jack was nothing short of a disaster in making. I mean, it mattered that I swung through the "Burnt Burger" joint first, but only because, well, two young adult male roomies, right? It's all work, weed, sports first and if food comes along, then sobeit, but after the game, LOL.

Oh, and it also mattered that I knew enough to swing through the "Burnt Burger" joint first on my way to visit with my friend, Stan.

[Knock, knock, door opens]

"Well, Jack, are you going to invite me in or just let me stand out here on your front porch then, hmm?"

[Flashes a couple of "Burnt Burger" bags around like kicking a leg out]

"Ozzy, not only can you come inside, you better get inside quick!"

Or the standard response when a dressed Tranny is standing on your front porch for short, LOL.

[Hands one bag to Jack with a smile, Jack gently snatches]

"Is he in his bedroom then, Jack?"

[Munch, munch, munch, munch]

Or the standard young adult male with burgers in his hand response for short.

"See you in a minute, Jack."

[Knock, knock, barge in bedroom, plops down on the bed with a, ah, a flopping plop?]

"Oh, Ozzy, I'm all busted up and dying, Ozzy. Oh, cool, burgers."

"Stan, you're not all busted up! What did the doctor say exactly then?"

"Oh, I have acute this and acute that and some other acute something. Oh, and a cute MILF nurse. It's all official. Ooh, fries!"

[Ozzy snatches the "official" medical release form]

"Oh, Stan, it officially says right here in the doctors hand writing, that you have an acute case of being a dumbass for thinking you could beat the "hill" while out on your runs! Oh, oh my, well."

"Well? What does "well" mean, Ozzy? My last testament is not up to date!"

"Oh, well, it seems that Nurse Gulps left you a hand written medical note too! And her phone number! But listen, Stan..."

"Ooh, a milk shake! Oops, I'm dying when then, Ozzy?"

"Stan, the "hill" beat you and you pulled a groin muscle or two and I highly doubt that Nurse Gulps' personal hand massage therapy suggestions are right for you. At least not for another couple of days. Here, take this."

"Ooh, the toy prize!"

"So, does it hurt, um, down there in the, um, the "V" area of your crotch and all then, Stan?"

"[Vroom, vroom] Well, I walk like I'm, you know, 30 or something, so yeah, Ozzy, I guess [vroom]."

"Well, Stan, stay mostly in bed for a couple days, you know, until you at least start walking like you're 27 or 28, okay?"

[Vroom, vroom] What Ozzy?"

Well, it doesn't matter that I tucked Stan "in" a little just before I left him. What does matter is that I scribbled out and changed the exchange prefix on Nurse Gulps phone number, but I remembered it for when Stan fully recovers, so. I also remember her technique of "doubling down" with her hand massage suggestion, but only because, well, it sounded like something a guy might like, that's all.

[Causes trouble in the living room for no good reason by gathering up the empty burger bag and falling back onto to Jack's lap]

"Jack, I sort of have an ID card issue when I'm dressed, so would you run me up to the pharmacy so we can re-fill Stan's muscle relaxation prescription, hmm?"

[Oh, grinding a little]

"It will take like 15 minutes tops, Jack."

[Grind, gentle hump back, grind, gentle hump back]

"Hmph, grunt, groan, growl. Stop it, Ozzy!"

"(Hump me, Jack, hump me like we were naked and alone then.)"

Or how to get a guy's attention for short.

"Hmph, grunt, groan, growl. Fine, Ozzy, I'll drive you to the pharmacy."

[Bump and roll increases pace, huh, it's fun?]

Anyways, nah, Jack's just a guy and I was rolling on his lap in my shorts, so, nah, that was just for the fun of it. Jack is more of a man's man than a fem boy's man, so. But he was a guy with a lap grinding boner, so, LOL, Jack is a man.

"[Mwah] Time to go, Jack, LOL, or is it getting close to time to come then, hmm?"

Or how to get a straight guy to flip you off of his lap just in time for short. And it's not like I use Jack as my practice thingy or anything from time to time. I mean, my main concern has always been for my old friend, Stan. Who was all busted up and walking like he was 30, so.

"Well, snap, it looks like we're 10 minutes late, Ozzy. The pharmacy lights are off."

Oh, 10 minutes, 2 hours, it's all the same thing, right? Or my bad for short. Or not.

"Oh, um, Jack, pull us around to the alley behind the pharmacy building then. Um, just pull around and park."

[SUV slowly creeps into the alley and pulls over. Four eyes scan the alley]

"Hey, what is this, Ozzy?"

"It's the Pharmacy crew, Jack and before you start bitching, 15 minutes tops and look, there are like four girls here, so go swing your charm around for like 20 minutes then, okay Jack?"

"OMG, one of these days, Ozzy, one of these days!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Jack, 25 minutes tops and wipe my lip gloss off of your lips!"

[An OMG feverish mouth swipe from Jack!]

[Also, huh, all of a sudden, Jack was cool with like four girls available for 30 minutes tops]

"Hey, Robby, what's the haps then?"

"Ozzy, apparently the "haps" is that you're back dooring your way into our crew by tricking Jack to bring you down here, so?"

"That almost sounds angry, Robby. Is it because I call you Robby instead of Rob then, hmm?"

"Nah, the girls call me that anyways and it, well, it suits coming from you, so."

"Yep, these are new Denim shorts that I'm wearing tonight, Robby."

"Which I didn't ask about, Ozzy, but alright then."

"And they tell my story, Robby. Some like me couldn't wear them this high cut, so?"

"Again, Ozzy, another thing that I didn't ask about, but (I can see that, so.)"

"Robby, can I come around the Pharmacy crew now? Are we playing nice?"

LOL, or how to get a guy to agree to almost anything to shut you up for short!

"Hi guys, I'm Ozzy and I'm introducing myself around and I'm announcing that I might be coming around more often now, so?"

"(Grumble, mumble, spit, grabble) give him the Kayla test first. Kayla!"

[Side eyes for Kayla, LOL, spies Jack seemingly happy and busy with a brunette though]

Also, damn, a 20-20 from any of the crew girls wasn't part of part for short! Especially since three of them formed a circle around me as the guys seemingly backed off! I mean, it's the Lionesses who hunt the prey for the Lions, right? Also, gulp.

"Damn, if it isn't pretty boy Ozzy then. Guys, I'm cool with him. I mean, unless you guys really want us girls to transform him into more of a girl with our blades, so?"

"(Gulp.)"

"I'm just kidding, Ozzy, I mean, ahem, some of these "guys" will enjoy having you around, so?"

Well, saying that the way she said that was still a "gulp" moment, so.

"But only on the first Friday of the month. We're not really that kind of crew, so."

[Huh, what? There was a fast and quick slight of hand movement then?]

"Oh, well, I know that some guys like it when their women make them a morning coffee and all, but that was quite an aggressive hand move there, Ozzy, even from a pretty fem boy, so I know you had better have an explanation, so?"

"Kayla, I know you want to know what I know and what know I is the answer that you've wanted to know for the longest time, so?"

"Oh, Ozzy, I know that the more you talk in circles that the guys keep checking out your ass, I mean, the more circles you talk in is getting you closer to circling your ass out of here or, well, all this circle talking has me confused, so what do you know that is something that I need to know to keep Andrea here from cutting your balls off, huh? Although your voice couldn't get any higher and maybe someday, we can talk about a morning coffee because that wasn't the worst quick and sneaky move, but we can talk about that later. Also, tee, he, am I still talking, tee he?"

[Side eyes this Andrea babe and gulps]

"Kayla, I know that you want to know the answer to the Club Feb riddle and I know that I know the correct response to make the brown door open and you need to know what I know, so?"

"Hah! Cut him, Andrea! Every crew in Middleton for eons has knocked on the brown door and said "February" and the only door to ever open is the red door which leads to the old folk's weekend card game club, so Andrea, make pretty boy Ozzy my new girlfriend!"

[Gulp, gulp, oh snap, that Andrea girl is reaching into her boot!]

So, listen folks, I'm sure we have all watched an episode of Wheel of Misfortune where the contestant just over thought the easy answer and then slapped themselves up side of the head when it was so obvious that they just tried to hard and over though things, right? Also, LOL, some of those self-induced head slaps, right? Pow!

"(Gulp) Kayla, has anyone ever, ever simply replied with "all of them" when the bouncer asks the riddle which month has 28 days in it, hmm? Every month has 28 days in it, so?"

"Andrea, hold! And search for how to make coffee. Also, Ozzy, SOB! Also, also, crew guys, you're all fricking stupid! Also, also, also, Ozzy, if that was a credit card that you slipped into my bra, well, we can still talk about a morning coffee in a couple of weeks, so?"

"Well, Kayla and lady crew gals, there is a clothing gift shop and all in basement and I'm pretty sure that the theme matches with people and dim lighting and the dancing and the risky club skin exposure and the bras for club shirts...."

[Swish, swoosh, woosh, three girls gone!]

"Well, what the hell, Ozzy?"

"Hi, Robby."

[Beep, beep]

"Thanks, Ozzy, bye, Ozzy, these are the girls, Ozzy, bye Ozzy."

[Screech, squeal, fish tailing]

[Oops, A brunette and Jack follow????]

[Beep, beep]

"You got a ride back home, Ozzy? I have a Tina as my ride, so?"

"Robby????"

"Grump, spit, kick dirt, grabble, mumble."

"Bye, Jack. And hello, Tina the sexy brunette."

"Hi, sweetie and welcome to the crew. Peel out, stud."

[Screech, squeal, fish tailing]

"Huh, what do you know then, Robby? Lightning didn't strike through your truck window hen, so, huh."

"You made all this happen on purpose, didn't you, Ozzy?"

"Spank me if things are that bad, Robby or smack lips with me if things may not be all that bad then. And it's totally legit that a crew guy watches out for another crew guy, um, me and none of your "boys" seemed to raise an eyebrow and all, so?"

[Phone key pad tapping]

"It's not totally legit if you're posting about this, Ozzy!"

"Oh, hush, Robbie and it's totally legit if you want to take the north river drive back to my place, so?"

Or how to get a guy to think about things for short!

[Weep]

"Ur responsible for the girls, Jack!"

[Whoop]

"Yea I am, baby!"

[Whoop]

"I mean, Ozzy."

[Whoop]

"But yea I am baby!"

[Weep]

"Sneak photos, bye."

I mean, maybe, well, I'm still a guy and that underground club has a rep, so.

"Oh, Robby, I'm not saying anything, but turn, turn, turn, turn and park then."

Or sometimes a guy needs a little push when driving a dresser guy home for short.

"Ozzy [smooch] you need to [smooch] wear boots and [smooch] darker clothing [smooch], so?"

"Robby [smooch] I'm a high-top [smooch] and hoodie [smooch] dresser, but I'll [smooch] work on it."

"Ozzy [smooch] you can't play [smooch] favorites to the [smooch] girls like that [smooch], so?"

"Robby [smooch] I should be free [smooch] to do as I please [smooch] as a crew member [smooch], so?"

"Ozzy [smooch] that crew member thing [smooch] hasn't been called [smooch] yet, so?"

"Robby [smooch] I assume that's why we [smooch] doing this then [smooch] and I have a confession."

"Ozzy [smooch] then confess to [smooch] to your soon to be [smooch] crew leader then, so?"

[Incoming Alert text from 881992]

"Alert, high credit card spending alert."

[Weep]

"Approved to ooh, la, la level."

"Robby [smooch] this is my [smooch] revenge for [smooch] ignoring me at [smooch] Brad's party."

"Ozzy [smooch] this is hardly [smooch] revenge, but keep [smooch] confessing [smooch] then, so."

"Robby [smooch] your mess will [smooch] stay in your pants [smooch] tonight [smooch], so?"

"Ozzy [smooch] that's just mean [smooch] revenge [smooch] especially for our newest crew member."

"Robby [smooch] ask me for the [smooch] boyfriend experience [smooch] then, ask for [smooch] it."

"Ozzy [smooch] we're parked in the [smooch] boyfriend experience [smooch] pull off [smooch], so?"

"Robby [smooch] uh-huh [smooch], ask me to be your [smooch] boyfriend tonight [smooch] Robby."

"Ozzy [smooch] oh, that's the [smooch] revenge then [smooch], the [smooch] words, Ozzy?"

[Incoming Alert text from 881992]

"Alert, ooh la, la level achieved alert."

[Weep]

"Approved to club nip slip level."

"Robby [smooch] I won't disappoint [smooch] well, I won't [smooch] quit anyways [smooch], so?"

"Ozzy [smooch] can I have the [smooch] boyfriend experience [smooch] from you [smooch] tonight?"

Or, OMG, what the hell do I do now for short! Cucumbers don't throb and bounce and flex like that! But I had been crushing on Robby for a while, so. Oops, I mean, I really wanted to have a crew, so.

[Gluck, oh, ooh, ow, slurp, revenge my ass, ow, mph, slurp, gag, oh, ag, ag, ug, ug, argh, oh]

"Oh, I guess I missed out at Brad's party then, Ozzy, this feels amazing, oh, oh, but between us, oh."

[Gluck, oh, ooh, ow, slurp, hm, hm, hm, hm, ow, ow, mph, slurp, gag, oh, ag, ag, ug, ug, argh, oh]

"[Deep breath, deep breath] OMG, air, air, Robby, oh."

Well, I promised that I wouldn't quit, so. Plus, Robby just pushed my head back down, so.

[Gluck, slurp, whoa, gulp, geez, ug, ow, slurp, ug, ug, ug, woo, gag, ug, ugh, ugh, ooh, ow, gag, gag]

"Oh, you're my boyfriend tonight, Ozzy, like right now! Argh, argh, ugh, Ozzy, ooh, oh, oh, oh, ahh."

[Ka-pow! Ka-boom! Ka-phew! Gulp, gulp, gulp, oh, oh, gulp, oh, gulp, troop on, gulp]

"(Wheeze) Ahh, welcome to the crew then, Ozzy. Also, does the boyfriend experience include the last drizzle drops too, Ozzy?"

[Aww snap! Guys and their last remaining drizzle drops! Slurp, kiss, slurp, kiss, slurp]

"Huff, I need a minute now, Robby, huff, that was my first, huff and that was a lot! Huff."

But I didn't quit, folks! I mean, I choked and gagged and nearly died, but I didn't quit!

"Ozzy, does the boyfriend experience include me driving you home while you ride shotgun in just your undies then, hmm? I mean, we've come this far and all, so?"

"You better not get pulled over, Robby!"

[Unbuttoned, wiggle, shimmy, wiggle, push, shimmy]

"Oh, oh, holy snap, Ozzy! Those are the undies that you wear? All I see is side cheek and thighs and a thin strap!"

"Well, I kind of can wear things like these, Robby, so, um, shall we go?"

[Mwah, ummah, mwah, smooch, lip smack, lip lock, mwah, ah, rub, rub, mwah, ah, oops, ahh, ahh]

"Oh, or you can lip smack attack me across your truck seat then, I guess, Robby."

[Mwah, ummah, mwah, smooch, lip smack, lip lock, mwah, ah, rub, rub, mwah, ah, oops, ahh, ahh]

"Okay, okay, Robby, no more sex tonight, okay?"

[Mwah, ummah, mwah, smooch, lip smack, lip lock, mwah, ah, rub, rub, mwah, ah, oops, ahh, ahh]

"Just my last welcome to the crew gesture, Ozzy."

I mean, I knew that was a one-time thing and all, but hey, maybe I could get him to say some other words out loud another time, right?

[Incoming Alert text from 881992]

"Alert, club nip slips everywhere alert."

[Weep]

"Approved to club sex level."

And I wasn't playing favorites to crew girls like Robby implied, but I had to get rid of them or Robby would have never given me a ride for their smirking and sneering at the both of us, so the underground club riddle solution was legit.

End Ozzy 01