All Comments on 'Packages'

Not sure it was a LW story since they had gotten to the baby part and 6 weeks past her giving birth, but certainly not to Easter. So they weren't married. Your descriptions are dry to say the least. This read like an instruction manual. And without any type of background it made no sense. Why is she submitting to him? When you tell us she wants to go back to work why does she just lie still and allow him to try to impregnate her so soon after giving birth? (Not something any Doctor would approve of). How do they even know each other? It sounded like he was much older than she was, but who really knows - you didn't tell us. Why is he deceiving his family? Does she have a family or friends? This seems more like an opening to a story, rather than a complete story. No stars for all sorts of reasons. This simply wasn't any good. Neither interesting or entertaining.

@ Anon: thank you for your comments. The number of stars provided is entirely up to the reader. They were married (April) before the baby was born (September). I will admit that my descriptions are dry and I will try to work on that. I do find myself wanting to skip the rhetoric and BS and get down to it.

For background info about how they know each other, please feel free to read my previous submissions. That is if you don't want to become bored. She is submitting to him because as an adult, that is what she wants. Why wouldn't she lay there and take it when she chose not to take BC to prevent another pregnancy. Sometimes, it feels too good to argue and fight. Maybe breastfeeding will act as a BC and prevent another pregnancy. I dunno....(hehe) She may go back to work, but her husband's wishes came first.

Who listens to their doctors anyway, hence 11 month babies. I would not say that he's older than her, only more dominant/possessive. Who said he had a family to deceive? She has family and friends, but no family in the new city and just a few friends. She also has a son who is college aged. Perhaps they do not care about each other's families. They are old enough to make their own choices and live on their own terms.

As the author, I simply did not care about these specifics or logic. Perhaps you are some sort of expert. If you are, then next time, leave your name so that you can help me edit my next instruction manual.

....to like it. It reads a little news-report-ish...somewhat lacking in color and richness in character.....however, it was descriptive enough to have the desired effect.

Your efforts are improving. It appears more editorial effort would still be of help, although that part is also improved.

I think working on "fleshing out" the characters as people is vital to a rich, enjoyable story. Writers that get higher scores, tend to tell the story, not from the third person perspective, but from the Point of View of one or more of the characters. While that does complicate the task of telling the story, it also allows them to "run the character's internal dialogue". This mechanism, if done well, gives the reader insight into the character and their ideas, thoughts and motivations. It also gives readers someone to empathize with, connect to and care about.

Dangling participles aside, it's also much more challenging to write this way, because the writer has to, to a certain degree, assume the mindset of the character so as to be able to express their feelings with some authenticity. It's rare for a writer to be able to write the internal discussion of a character in any other way, IMO.

Anyway, food for thought.

I hope Hanna is not too lonely there in San Francisco, by herself with two children and a job. I think this went off into deep fantasy when you wrote her staying there alone and him back in L.A. (or wherever). 41 or 42, one infant with another coming......the high risk of Downs Syndrome aside, that is an extremely daunting situation to handle alone. The constant care and the enormous workload of caring for two infants would be daunting, to say the least.

I would think Hanna would have some despair, anger, many, many fears about her ability to cope with it all on her own (except when Shane decides to show up to fuck her silly). And living in SFO, she must have made a huge leap in salary, or be living in a refrigerator box near the wishbone......so also IMO, a more honest nod to the realities of the situation should be addressed to provide enough connection to.....reality to maintain the.....real-ness of the story, is necessary for readers to connect with the characters and the story. To have her hire a nanny, is very expensive and isolates her from her babies. Her nursing and resting cycles would be impossible to maintain, and she would be exhausted to a serious clinical level in only a couple of weeks. And certainly, unless both Shane's and Hanna's families are both all dead, it's going to be impossible to hide her two pregnancies and her new children from anyone for very long. Shane's frequent travel and Hanna's hermit-like isolation in a town the size of San Francisco, not to mention from her older daughter and not yet mentioned siblings is a big hole in this story.

It might be a grand idea to address these items and others in a fourth chapter, where you also put some "flesh on the bones" of these two people, telling us what's on their minds throughout all of this. It's an interesting kink for Hanna to want to be taken, owned and possessed by the presumably younger Shane. And his pregnant MILF kink is also interesting. To make it all work, you've got to provide mechanisms that "explain away" these real concerns, to allow readers to suspend their disbelief.....mechanisms that allow you to express the fantasies of the story without reality crashing in and killing reader's enthusiasm for the story and the players in it.

Looking to see these gaps bridged and to hear more from you....even if it takes a little longer for you to get something out that is more personable....

Thank you, and good luck.

Why do you need logic for someone else's story? Why do you care so much as to respond...anonymously? As the author, I will fill in the details as I see fit. If it is hard to follow along, it is quite simple to find another story to read. With your PhD in English and your formula for garnering high scores, I can't help but wonder: why are you here? Putter along because L'rotica is too small for you, dear. Please reply (to any of my stories) when you reach bestseller status...

You have 4 comments.Two by the author bashing the commenters.I get the impression you are some kind of pseudo intellectual bitch.You might want to take your own advise when YOU write a best seller not a mishmash of nothingness.I posted anonymously because the thought of you emailing me with one of your pre menstrual rants makes my skin crawl.Hate to say it hips I'm not an author but I am pretty well read.This is a mess no matter how you look at it.

counting comments? Pseudo-intellectual bitch? Well, how did you guess? Either read my nothingness or scram. If you are as well read as you claim to be, then surely that is easy to understand. Why on earth would I email someone as out of control as you are? You cannot express yourself without calling names. Please don't flatter yourself.

Let's make it clear here, these are MY stories. And my name is Ms. Hips. Not Lips, or Bitch. Now, the next time, bark when I pull your chain. If I don't mention Anonymous in my stories, then that means that it does not concern you. Wait patiently for the cue.