Parts of Desire Ch. 05

Last night had felt like the culmination of a dream I had been holding on to for over a year. Today felt like a hangover. I'd driven six hours in occasionally heavy traffic, and the Middle East's aggressive drivers weren't exactly known for making long road trips relaxing. I was tired, I hadn't showered, I felt gross. The harsh beauty of the land that we were cruising past did nothing to help my mood, and I decided to go inside and try to find a place to order a cup of tea and be alone.

The girls weren't in the ferry cafeteria, so I acquired my tea and made myself comfortable in a padded chair by the window, pulling out my book and mulling over the conflicting thoughts in my head as the ship bobbed and rolled in the choppy sea. I was feeling used, betrayed, and hurt, and I wanted to deal with it as best I could before I had to see anyone else.

A couple of hours later, the sun was setting behind mountains that were growing larger and more jagged, so I got my camera out and went up on deck. A single Arab woman stood at the ship's rail, watching the sea. Arabian women were hard to tell apart from the rear, but I could recognize Rania anywhere, not just by her size and figure, but also by her pink flip-flops peeking out from under the abeya.

"How was your alone time?" I asked.

She turned to face me and smiled. "It was okay. I needed some time to think."

"About?"

"Khadija said something to me at the market in Nizwa while you were in the bathroom that rubbed me the wrong way", Rania began. She looked around, confirming no one was eavesdropping. "When we were taking in Arabic, I'd spent most of that time on the drive talking about how good you were, and how good last night was. It was everything I'd ever dreamed it would be. So just casually, she mentioned that she couldn't wait for tonight because it would be 'her turn'. I don't know, Ryan, it just really bothered me that she's thinking of it in those terms. I just fulfilled a dream last night, I only have a couple days left to spend with you here, and I love you, and it bothers me to see her treating you like you're a plaything. Like this is no big deal what we're doing."

I thought for a minute. "I understand what you're saying, but it also sounds like she meant it innocently."

"She did", Rania confirmed. "I know her, I know she didn't mean anything by it. I'm just hot, and sweaty, and dirty, and I'm sore inside. I also didn't sleep well last night, and I haven't had the time to process anything about what's happened so far. We're past the halfway point, and the closer we get to you having to fly home, the less inclined I am to want to share you. And I also know that Khadija and I both promised each other we were treating this entire trip like a surprise for you, but at the risk of spoiling it, we're sleeping in the car again tonight, and that's the last thing I want. I want to have a hot shower, and sleep in a bed, with you, and talk to you without her listening. Khadija and I are starting to get on each other's nerves, and I just wish we were able to be together the rest of the trip, just us."

I fought off the urge to give her a hug. "I feel all of those things too. I'm a little disappointed about the fact we're camping again tonight, but the only saving grace of that is that we're going to get to fall asleep and wake up together."

Rania smiled. "I had had that thought." She paused. "How are you doing, Ryan? I haven't asked you that recently."

I considered saying I was fine, but I decided to be honest.

"I'm conflicted, I'm hurt, and I'm feeling a lot of negative things right now. I'm worried about the fact that we've been doing all this sexual stuff without really talking about it. You and I had a dynamic last year where every time we crossed a line, we would talk about it in depth. We haven't really been doing that this trip. I know you girls are inexperienced, and I promise you that I trust your judgment, but I'd feel better about it if we were talking more. I worry that you'll have regrets once you have the chance to think this all over. I think we've been suffering by not having any pillow talk time. You said you haven't had any time to process what's happened; I feel the same way. I don't want there to be any regrets."

"I don't regret giving you my virginity", Rania said seriously. "I considered that decision for over a year. It was the right decision."

"I have no regrets either."

"But it sounds like we're on the same page, we need to talk about everything we've done so far." Rania looked around again. "I just don't feel comfortable talking it in that amount of detail unless I know we're truly alone."

"I'll respect that, but I think we need to talk it all over before we separate, even if it means kicking Khadija out."

"Deal." She smiled. "There should be an opportunity on the last day. We have plans."

"So, would I be right in saying you and Khadija planned everything on this trip in advance, not just the travel stuff, but the sexual stuff too?"

Rania blushed. "Not all of it."

"But you did decide in advance a lot of what would happen? Like that you two were going to share me?"

"Yes, we did. We talked a lot about it."

I suddenly was annoyed. "And you never thought to ask me in advance about how I felt about any of this?"

Rania stared, not speaking.

"Look, I know our relationship suffered a great deal by the distance. I know we couldn't put anything in writing. But we spoke on Skype enough over the past year. You really couldn't have asked me in advance if I was okay with playing stud for you and your best friend, rather than springing it on me? We've all been hormonal as fuck over the past couple of days, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't had fun, but I didn't fly 13,000 kilometres to hook up with Khadija. I came to be with you. It would have been nice to have had the choice whether or not I wanted to be a sexual prop."

Rania had her eyes locked on me, not moving.

"And another thing. I know I said I forgave you about the fiancé thing, and I understand why you lied to me originally. I promise you I'm not mad about the fact that you didn't tell me before you left Canada."

Rania nodded, expectantly.

"I think both of us were expecting things to end when you went home, even though neither of us wanted that", I continued. "But we stayed in contact for a year, we kept talking, almost every day. Was there never a single opportunity for you to tell me you weren't engaged? I spent a year trying to talk myself out of my feelings, because as if you weren't inaccessible enough in Saudi Arabia, you were also taken. I get why you lied originally. But I don't understand why you kept going with the lie."

Rania turned and wordlessly stared out at the setting sun, which was gradually disappearing over the jagged peaks of the Emirate of Fujairah. Finally, at length, she turned to face me, clearly fighting back tears. "I don't know what to tell you, Ryan. I'm sorry." She took a deep breath. "I told you last year that I thought that relationships were so much more complicated than I ever expected. I'm finally finding out that I had no idea just how right I was."

I held back, waiting.

"With respect to telling you of our plans to hook up, I agree I should have done that. I could have brought it up on Skype, somehow." She turned to face me. "Ryan, you don't really understand what it's like living in such a conservative culture. Your openness changed me, and then I flew home, and nothing had changed. I was still living away at school with Khadija, I still saw my parents on weekends. I went back to the exact same life I used to lead, only I felt like a stranger, an actor inhabiting my old life's role.

"I wasn't the same person inside at all. But pretending to be the same person outside was more comfortable than trying to figure out how to incorporate the change I felt into a society that wouldn't really have allowed it. I didn't know how to reconcile the new and old Ranias, and while I was figuring that out, I fell back into a lot of old habits. Once I was out of the habit of talking openly, deeply, truly with someone, it didn't come back again. It didn't until I saw you again this week. You were the catalyst for that, and I regret that being the conservative, modest Saudi woman that I was when we first met may have caused us to fight. I honestly never thought to mention any of this to you, because I wasn't in the habit of talking to men about, well, anything, if I'm being honest."

"Just to be clear, I don't regret anything that's happened this week", I said. "I'm just cranky, and I'm feeling a little used. What you say makes sense, and I can forgive you for it. There are going to be cultural issues with our relationship from time to time. For the record, I would have said yes if you'd told me in advance. But I wish you'd asked."

"I'm sorry. I really didn't know how to approach the situation at all." She appeared lost in thought. "To speak of my fiancé, I don't have an explanation for you, apart from that I was still insecure, nervous, inexperienced. I didn't know, and on some level, still had trouble believing you wanted me, and still wanted me, even after I went back home. You said earlier that you were expecting we'd break up after I went back. I felt the same way. To be honest, I just kept waiting for the first couple of months for you to email me that you'd met someone new, and that would be that. I didn't believe I was worth waiting for." The tears started, and she quickly wiped one away with her headscarf.

"In Canada, we were only together as a couple for a few weeks. I knew I should tell you the truth, but it was easier not to. I had all these new feelings that I didn't know how to deal with, and I was having the best time of my life, and I worried that I'd ruin it. Like I said the other day, I was also worried about word getting out. I couldn't risk my apartment."

"I get that part", I said. "Like I said, I know why you lied originally, and I know why you kept it going until you went home. None of that bothers me. It's the fact that it took another year for the truth to come out."

"Ryan, I never thought I would hear from you again", she sniffled. "When I got home, and you had written me that lovely email welcoming me home, telling me you'd miss me and wanted to stay in contact, I couldn't believe it. The first time we spoke on Skype, it broke my heart that we were so far away, but I was just so happy to see you again. Really, though, it was a couple of months before I realized that you weren't going anywhere, and neither were my feelings. I was in love with a man on the other side of the world that my culture wouldn't allow me to be with. The even bigger surprise, at least for me, was that that man actually seemed to feel the same way about me. The longer the lie went on, the harder it was to tell you the truth. I still didn't believe we'd ever see each other again, until you told me you'd bought plane tickets, and all that time I was scared that I'd ruin things by telling you I'd never been engaged."

"So you decided the best plan was to wait until I'd flown 13,000 kilometres to tell me the truth because I wasn't likely to turn around and go home?"

"I don't know, okay?!" Rania exploded. "I don't know why I couldn't tell you. I don't know why it was so hard. I don't know why things happened the way they did. I should have said something. This is all so new to me. I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I don't know what parts of me are being driven by my heart and which parts are my hormones. All I know is that being with you changed me, and I couldn't accept that we weren't meant to be. I just wanted to be with you, in whatever way that meant. Telling you the truth meant that maybe you'd leave me, so it was easier to lie. But now I see that it could be the other way around, too." She sighed deeply. "I'm so confused. All I wanted to be with you, but both paths could have led to us breaking up. How was I to choose?"

I looked around. We were in a sheltered part of the ship, underneath an overhang, and the area we were in was mostly deserted, apart from an older, white tourist couple a few dozen feet away, paying us no attention. I reached over and gave Rania a hug. She fell apart at that moment, sobbing uncontrollably, burying her face in my chest, her body quaking and heaving.

We stood like that for a minute or so, until her sobs gradually slowed down, and I released her from the embrace. She quickly looked around, making sure we were still reasonably alone. The older couple were still in their own world, and they hadn't even looked at us.

"Look", I began, as she wiped her tears away. "I know you're inexperienced, and I know you're a decade younger than I am, and with our ages, experience, and cultures all being so different, maybe I should have expected some growing pains in this relationship. When you're in a long-distance relationship, it's very easy to paper over the cracks, because of the euphoria you feel every time you're together."

"Euphoria is a good word for it." Rania managed a small smile.

"I need some time to think this over", I started, "but I don't want you to worry. Having our first fight doesn't change the fact that we are still a couple, and I still love you."

"I love you too."

"Are you okay?"

"I will be." Rania pulled out a Kleenex and wiped her eyes.

"Then I'll come find you when I'm ready to talk further. I just need some time."

Rania let me go, and I walked around to the stern of the catamaran, staring out at the twin wakes rapidly appearing underneath the ship, the open sea of the Gulf of Oman on three sides, the ubiquitous mountains off to the right. The sun had dropped below the mountains, though there was still enough residual light to see.

I must have spent a good forty minutes staring off into space, thinking, waiting, watching the sea. As the light disappeared and the wind died down, I suddenly realized to my delight that the sea was alive with bioluminescent jellyfish, gently floating in the waves. Millions of stars danced overhead, matching the pinpricks of light twinkling in the sea below. As I watched the sea and sky dancing in the darkness, reflecting on what had led me to being at sea on the Indian Ocean on a warm February night, I made my decision.

I finally made my way inside to the cafeteria, buying a plate of chicken and rice and a 7Up from the canteen. I scanned the cafeteria and noticed Rania sitting alone at a table, nearly finished her dinner. I made my way over and joined her.

"Where's Khadija?" I asked.

"Seasick." She made a face. "I think all of us are a little worse for wear today."

"Is she okay?"

"She'll be fine." Rania locked eyes with me. "I'm more concerned with the question of whether or not you're okay."

I smiled at her. "I'm okay. It's normal to have disagreements and fights in relationships. You just have to learn how to handle them. Focus on the issue, don't make it personal."

"So, what have you decided?" Rania bit her lip nervously.

"I'm hurt by the fact it took you so long to tell me the truth. I'm not going to pretend otherwise."

"I'm so sorry, Ryan."

"But, I understand why you did what you did", I continued. "I think you recognize now that mistakes were made, but they came from insecurity and inexperience. I know this is new for you, and I'm going to try hard to forgive you for mistakes that come from that inexperience. But please don't lie to me like that again."

"I won't ever lie to you again", she said emotively. "I promise. I didn't know how to handle the situation before. But I think that going forward, the truth is never the wrong answer." She paused. "I can't hug or kiss you here in public, but please know that's all I want to do right now."

"That would be nice", I responded, then thought for a moment. "I think I'm ready to be done with the surprises. I'd like to know what else you two have up your sleeves, at least in the abstract sense. I don't need a lot of detail, but I'd like to feel like I'm a partner in this."

"Deal", Rania said. "Tonight, we camp on the beach in Musandam. Tomorrow we swim and hike in the mountains. The ferry back to Shinas leaves tomorrow in the late afternoon, and we drive back to Muscat." She paused for a moment, thinking. "I had really wanted this to be a surprise, but I'll respect your wishes. We're spending the last night at the nicest resort in Oman, just outside of town. We'll be there for most of the last day, then we go to the airport and fly home."

"That sounds lovely, and I don't need to know any more that that", I said. "What about Khadija?"

Rania sighed. "I don't know. We talked more about it. She thinks you're cute, but she doesn't have any feelings for you beyond attraction. Whenever we've fought in the past, it's usually been because I've gotten offended at something she's said. She's very black and white, right or wrong, and she's not particularly empathetic towards other people's feelings. She says I'm being too emotional getting offended at her treating you like a sex toy. I haven't felt jealous on this trip at all, and I still don't. I know that neither of you see each other as competition. But her callousness offended me a little. She's just assuming she's going to have sex with you tonight, as if it's not up to you, and to some extent to me, to give her permission."

"I don't really want to have sex with her tonight, or with anyone", I said truthfully. "I feel disgusting. I wish we were staying in a hotel."

"Me too. There's not a lot of lodging in Khasab, and they were booked up before we got around to it." Rania sighed. "It's going to be a sweaty, stinky night in the back of that Land Cruiser."

"You said people can camp pretty much anywhere in the Middle East, right?" I asked. "Why not on the beach?"

"There's an idea..." Rania mused. "We'll see what we find. But I like the thought." She smiled. "The truth is that I don't think anyone's going to want sex tonight. We're all feeling gross, I'm still a little sore inside, and Khadija's seasick. The perfection of this trip seems to have worn off all at once."

"It's perfect because we're here together", I said truthfully. "I'm never going to overlook how lucky we are to be here together tonight."

"You're so sweet."

"Are we okay?" I asked, hopeful.

"I think so", she answered. "Do you?"

"I think we are."

"I've heard makeup sex is a thing people have after a fight", she mused. "I guess I have that to look forward to."

I winked at her as I finished my supper, and suddenly a buzzer sounded, then a voice on the loudspeaker started speaking in Arabic. All around us, people started getting up and filing towards the exit.

"What's going on?"

"We're almost at Khasab. Come on. Back to the car."

We filed out as the announcement began repeating in English, making our way down the stairs. When I hit the Land Cruiser, Khadija was already there, looking green and unsteady on her feet, waiting for the car to be unlocked.

"How are you?" I asked.

Khadija groaned. "I'll live."

In time, the ferry shuddered, indicating it had docked, then suddenly the gates in front of us opened and the cars in front of us started to file off the ship.

Khasab wasn't much of a town, about 15,000 people clustered around a small natural harbour. I got in the line of traffic, such as it was, and within a few minutes we were out of town and climbing a massive, treacherous mountain road. After a few minutes of negotiating switchbacks, I noticed a scenic overlook and pulled over. Whatever the overlook was overlooking wasn't obvious in the inky black night.

"Okay, ladies, I'm fine with not knowing exactly where I'm going here, but if I'm going to have to drive a scary and unfamiliar mountain road after dark and following a long day, I'd like to know that someone has a destination in mind."