tagHumor & SatirePastor Bob

Pastor Bob


("Pastor Bob" is yet another true episode in the sexual story of my life. I am purging my soul. Telling of my past "sins" is part of my repentance.)

* * * * *

I told of my introduction to sexual intercourse in a true story, "The Rookie." I did, however, engage in oral sex prior to that. But that's not really sex. Just ask the President, or Pastor Bob.

I belonged to a church youth group in a very small rural community. You could even call it a backwoods kind of place. Mostly the church group consisted of naive teenage girls who certainly loved Jesus, but lacked sophistication in the ways of the world.

One day Pastor Bob showed up to be our youth minister. Although he wasn't all that much older than us, he had been to bible college, which to us resembled sainthood.

Pastor Bob liked to take us on nature outings. You know, walks in the woods. We’d all take our bibles and find a secluded spot to listen to Pastor Bob preach. He sure could spit fire and brimstone for such a young dude.

The first time I saw Pastor Bob’s huge penis our group consisted of Laurie, Karen, Rebecca, Kim and I. We girls sat under a large oak tree as Pastor Bob gave us his sermon.

That beautiful early fall afternoon, and seventy degree temperature, Pastor Bob preached on II Kings 18:4, “He removed the high places, and brake the images, and cut down the groves, and brake in pieces the brasen serpent that Moses had made: for unto those days the children of Israel did burn incense to it: and he called it Nehustan.”

“The word ‘asherah’ in the Hebrew is translated to ‘groves’ in this verse,” Pastor Bob explained. “It is rather obvious we are not talking about a tree or a bunch of trees in the 40 verses in the King James where ‘asherah’ is translated to ‘grove’ or ‘groves.’ This is definitely a translation error in the King James which biblical experts have tried to correct in some subsequent English translations, which translate the word ‘asherah’ to ‘sacred pillars’ or ‘sacred poles’ or the like.”

“Pastor Bob?” asked Rebecca, “what exactly is an ‘asherah’ I’m wondering.”

“Well, Rebecca,” Pastor Bob began in his best John Hagee impression, “an ‘asherah’ is a phallic symbol.”

“Pastor Bob?” asked Laurie, “what’s a phallic symbol?”

“Well, Laurie, a phallic symbol is some object that symbolizes a penis. The ‘asherah’ became an object of worship just as the Nehustan. That is what is being said in Ezekiel 16:17, ‘Thou hast also taken thy fair jewels of my gold and my silver which I have given thee, and madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them.’ Images of men are of course phallic symbols. Jewish princesses made smaller versions for their own personal use, if you get my drift. Just think of the splinter problem several thousand years ago! But I have no idea why girls would prefer a wooden dildo over the real thing.”

“Pastor Bob?” asked Kim, “I’ve never seen a penis. What does it look like? Could you show us yours?”

“Would you really like to see my penis?” Pastor Bob asked the group eagerly.

“Yes!” we screamed in unison.

Pastor Bob unzipped his pants and pulled out his one-eyed monster. And quite the monster it was. I never had seen a penis up close and personal. Sure, my girlfriends and I had seen pictures and movies, but never the real thing. My education was about to begin.

“Would you like to touch it?” Pastor Bob inquired, feigning innocence.

“Yes!” we squealed in unison.

“OK, Karen and Kim come on over here. Let me see your breasts, girls, it will provide you with even more of me to see, believe you me.”

Karen and Kim removed their blouses and bras, exposing their breasts. Kim is rather well-endowed but Karen looks like a boy but for her large nipples, which became quite erect quickly, as did Pastor Bob’s manhood.

“OK,” Pastor Bob ordered, “Kim, you put your left hand on my penis, on the base. With your right hand caress my balls. Karen, you form a circle with your hands and put your hands over the head of my penis.

“Now, Karen, put your mouth on my penis. Open wide. Now suck it. Kim, move your hand back and forth to follow Karen’s mouth. This is not sex; the President said so.”

Five minutes later Pastor Bob’s penis was throbbing and pulsating and shooting cum all over the place, especially down Karen’s throat. It was like a gusher. Kim just knelt there dumbfounded and Pastor Bob pulled out of Karen’s mouth and hit Kim with a splat of cum right between the eyes. Pastor Bob kept screaming out to God as all this transpired.

Over the course of the next several weeks we had many bible lessons in the woods, and Pastor Bob received many blowjobs. He seemed like a very happy camper, ‘er I mean youth minister.

But then Pastor Bob got bored with blowjobs. He decided he should be King Solomon and we his wives. He encouraged us girls to please each other. “Picture this,” he told us, “the king spends the night with the five of his wives who are currently ovulating. The king takes care of business with one, and while he rests for a short spell, the five ladies play with each other while the king watches. Do you really think this guy needs to spend $10 for a Viagra pill? The fivefold results of the activities of this evening make an appearance nine months later.”

Well, I had no intention of getting involved in this baby business. Giving a little head, or a big head in this case, was one thing, but I had hoped to save my virginity for marriage. The other girls, however, did not have as much willpower as I did.

Kim is a stunning young multi-racial woman. Her mother’s name was Tran Thi Kim Hong; Vietnamese. She died in an automobile accident when Kim was eight. Her father is a black Army officer.

I inquired when I first met Kim, “Do you speak Vietnamese at all?”

“No, after my mother died I really didn’t have much association with any Vietnamese. Just a matter of circumstances I guess. I do feel somewhat guilty about that. She didn’t have much family, a few distant relatives who remained in Vietnam. Hey, I speak French fluently, is that good enough for you?”

Kim surely did prove her proficiency at the French. She proved to be the only one of us who could get Pastor Bob’s entire cock in her mouth.

Pastor Bob’s exposition of the “Song of Solomon” infatuated Kim. “That is where many scriptural answers on the subject of sexuality are to be found,” he explained, with his eyes riveted on Kim’s long dark legs, usually displayed superbly by very short skirts.

“I’m just too tall!” Kim would offer as an excuse for displaying so much leg.

Pastor Bob initially did not become distracted by Kim’s flirtatious behavior. He just continued ranting and raging. “In this most erotic biblical escapade, King Solomon lusts after the Shulammite maiden. He just doesn’t have sexual fantasies about her. The point is what he does about them. The king attempts to buy the damsel’s love but she chooses erotic love and her shepherd. Had she forsaken erotic love and joined the king’s harem, she would have been just another one of the king’s harlots. God likes erotic. That’s what He is saying in the ‘Song of Solomon.’

“I am your shepherd, Kim,” Pastor Bob often insisted softly. “I will lead you to the promised land; multiple orgasms, ‘er I mean salvation.

“Now, Kim,” Pastor Bob continued, “let me explain to you why black is beautiful.” Pastor Bob began to quote from the bible, Song of Solomon, verse 1:5, “I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon.”

Kim hung on Pastor Bob’s words as he lectured, “You see, Kim, she is black. Dark. Dusky. How dark is she? ‘Kedar’ or the Hebrew ‘qedar’ means dusky or dark, of the skin or of the tents. We know from verses like 1:8, ‘O thou fairest among women’ that she was the most beautiful woman in the neighborhood. The word ‘fairest’ translated from the Hebrew ‘yapheh’ has nothing to do with skin color. It means beautiful, extraordinarily comely, very bright.

“The Shulamite maiden is from Shulem or Shunem. She is of the tribe of Issachar, a descendent of Adam and Eve, Shem, Abraham, Issac, Jacob and Issachar. Get it? It seems to me that God is sending us some important messages in these verses which the religious establishment and white society would certainly like not to be properly understood.”

“Let me get this straight, Pastor Bob,” Kim interrupted, “it is almost Thanksgiving and you like dark meat.” Kim hiked up her skirt a bit and spread her legs, and not revealing panties, revealed a very smooth pussy.

“Which, uh, uh, reminds me,” Pastor Bob stammered, “I have in my possession a Dead Sea Scroll fragment found in the caves at Qumran which reveals Jesus, as I do, liked his without. It goes like this …

November 19, 0031 My Dearest Mary Magdalene,

I’m happy you tried shaving. It makes me real horny just thinking about it. Your shaved pussy is absolutely wonderful to see, to touch, to massage and to lick – it is the ultimate turn-on for me and I can not wait to just look and admire it once again, as it is something I think about all the time.

You complained about the stubble and shaving bumps. Try Magic Powder, an invention of quite the rascal, Ezequeel, one of the fallen angels. Magic Powder will remove your hair below the skin surface without causing any skin bumps. It will make your hair, when it does grow back, much softer, thinner and less sharp. No more Brillo pads for me!

Love, Jesus

November 25, 0031

My Dearest Jesus,

The Magic Powder worked great! But the angel who brought it insisted on applying it himself with his tongue. What’s up with him? He kept making me drink this red milky stuff called Angeldew. Yeow and what a rush that stuff gave me, and then, well never mind. That Ezequeel sure made me squeal.

The “new” me, now that you solved the stubble trouble, is really cool. And I do mean really cool. It gets chilly down there without the fur coat. Hurry up and get back here and warm me up. Sweet Jesus I can’t wait.

Love, Mary Magdalene (keeping it smooth just for you)

Pastor Bob removed several gold cans of Magic powder from his briefcase. “This stuff will make your pussy smooth and it won’t hurt a bit. Now remove your clothes, at least your skirts and your panties if you are wearing them.” We did as our own personal savior commanded.

We mixed and applied the Magic as Pastor Bob instructed. Five minutes later we gently removed the paste with the edge of the spatulas he had provided.

“Now, I want a taste!” Pastor Bob demanded gleefully.

Pastor Bob began to quote again from the Song of Solomon. “I love this part, starting with verse 4:5, ‘Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.’ He ended with verse 4:16, ‘ … Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.’ The last verse is all about cunnilingus also known as eating pussy. I’ll show you. I need a volunteer.”

Kim lay back on the blanket and spread her legs. “Right here baby,” she cooed.

“Now,” Pastor Bob ordered, “Rebecca, you pair up with Karen, and Laurie, you pair up with Deborah. Do to your partner exactly what I do to Kim.”

Pastor Bob began by giving Kim a few little licks. She began giggling. He laughed and proceeded to lick her clitoris softly and gently. He separated her wet pubic lips with his fingers, and spread Kim wide open. First he licked under her clit and inner labia and occasionally swirled her clit in his mouth. He drove Kim crazy! Then Pastor Bob alternated with his tongue, slow flat licks, and then with his lips, sucking gently.

Soon Kim squirmed with pleasure and lost any semblance of control. Finally she totally lost it as Pastor Bob licked her hot swollen clit with harder and more demanding strokes. She started yelling and screaming louder than I had ever heard her before, even when we attended a Benny Hinn show.

Kim thrust her hips upward with excitement and exploded in a powerful climax as she moaned, “Oh God, Oh sweet Jesus, Oh Pastor Bob” over and over and squirted juice all over his face. Pastor Bob continued to lick her gently as she came down from her orgasm, her entire body visibly shuddering.

I began to laugh. Pastor Bob’s face glistened and cunt juice ran down his chin and onto his shirt and tie that he had never bothered to remove. He didn’t even loosen the knot on his tie.

Pastor Bob ignored my fit of laughter. “OK, now you girls do to each other what I just did to Kim.” We did, over and over, for hours.

Next Pastor Bob quoted Genesis 38, the story of Onan and the spilling of his seed. He told Kim it was her duty as a child of God to accept his seed, because he was the Lord’s messenger here on earth. Kim acquiesced, as did Laurie, Karen and Rebecca over the course of the next few days, so they told me. I decided not to participate and left the group after I called the Psychic Hotline.

Kim, Laurie, Karen and Rebecca did invite me to a party weeks later. It turned out to be more like a baby shower. The girls had been to the local drug store and purchased Answer Plus home pregnancy tests. They each placed the required liquid in the urine collection lid and followed all the other instructions. Yes, the results were purple as they all suspected and hope; a hazy purple. They seemed very happy.

Pastor Bob never did marry but he does have 69 children of all sizes and colors. They make up what he calls his “Pastor Bob Tabernacle Choir.” He now operates a convent in addition to a church with an ever-growing congregation, consisting mostly of beautiful young women. These days after his sermon at the pulpit, Pastor Bob calls upon a volunteer from the audience. He motions her to her knees and orchestrates the same worship ceremony he taught his first disciples, my girlfriends and I.

Now Pastor Bob is a frequent guest on the Dr. Laura show, lecturing on the pitfalls of incest. “To all you young virgins out there,” he concludes with, “why fuck your uncle when you can fuck your pastor?” He then hands out flyers to the audience with his phone number and a picture of his huge cock. “Only sweet young virgins who want to find Jesus need apply.”

Pastor Bob is still my spiritual advisor. Like most preachers, half of what he says he doesn’t even believe himself, and the other half is bullshit. But at least he’s cute!

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