Penelope

Most of the time, I just hung out and shot the shit with the locals. The owner of Studstill Motors, Rodney Studstill, had found me the job. His old army buddy, Arthur Kramden, owned the shop I worked at now. I actually made more now, after ten years, than I had working for Rod. The new place, Kramden Motors was the oldest Chevy dealership in the state.

Mister Studstill had made it plain at the time of my leaving that he understood my situation. His wife had dumped him years before. The good news for him was, that without her constant berating him, he'd made good and that big time. What goes around comes around or something like that I guess. I knew his ex was a travel agent or in tourism in some way; he'd told me, but I couldn't really remember exactly. Regardless, for sure she wasn't driving the Caddy that Mr. Studstill was.

"Got a drink for a poor Mexican farm girl," said Maria. She took the seat next to me and waited for me to answer. Like I had to; Tito was already pouring it. I gave her a perfunctory nod.

"Sure, Maria, how are you and Juan doin' this week?' I said.

"Hah! My cheating asshole of a husband? You mean that Juan?" she said. Maria had a fight with her erstwhile hubby at least once a week. When she did, she'd show up at the Courtyard and share her problems with anyone willing to listen.

"Yeah, that would be the guy," I said, not quite laughing out loud.

"Well, things are getting a little better: he only fucked around on me once this week," she said. "But, Oscar, how are you doing. Any of those girls you're dating worth a second look?" she said.

"Hmm, yeah and nah. They're fine; it's me that ain't worth stuff anymore," I said.

"Hey shortie, you're not that bad. I consider you very much marriage material," she said. "One of these days, some gal is going to light your fire, and you'll finally be on the path to recovery from that forever heartache you keep trying to drink away."

"Not much chance of that," I said. "I'm one of those who believe that a body gets just one shot at the brass ring love-wise. Blow it and there are no second chances."

"Well, for your sake, I hope your wrong, Oscar," she said. I just smiled indulgently at her.

We drank in silence for a little while. Bernard, had replaced Tito as bartender, who'd had some appointment he had to get to.

I'd had to signal Bernard twice for refills. After the second time, Maria gave him hell for shorting the alcohol in her drink. He just shrugged and added a little to her sauce.

She was sipping her drink and looking absently around the place. She stopped and folded her hands in front of her on the bar. "I think I might be the winner in that little contest we talked about a bit ago," she said, turning her attention back to me.

"Oh?" I said.

"Yeah," she said. "There's some woman watching you back there." She nodded toward the wall behind us.

"Can't be me; you're the only woman I talk to around here," I said.

"Really?" she said. Her tone, more than anything else, motivated me to make the effort to turn around and look. Suddenly I could feel my eyes dilating and my pulse begin racing. After ten years with no contact, she was sitting across a barroom watching me. I raised my martini in salute to her and smiled. I turned back to what I was doing determined to ignore her.

I couldn't say now what it was what I was thinking when I turned back around and ignored her. Nor could I say what I expected she might do. I'd had little experience in existential behaviorism; nevertheless, I was making my own choices now and my own realities, so maybe I did. Whatever, her appearance here, now, was nothing if not surreal. Ten years, it had to be a record.

"How have you been, Oscar," she said. I didn't immediately answer or turn around. She waited me out.

Finally turning. "Does it matter, Penelope?" I said. "Why are you here? Big black Billy boy dump you now you're a little older?" Her face clouded. I guess she expected me to be a little more civil than I was in fact being. Well, what the hey, I was still pissed and hurt and without a woman; and I was blaming her.

"You still hate me that much, Oscar," she said.

"Hate you, Penelope? No. The truth is I still love you more than my own life, always will, I expect. That said, dear heart, I am still bitter as hell over what you did to me and said to him about me. Excuse me if I'm a little slow getting over it all." She looked down. I think she was about to cry. She turned and headed back to her table. I guessed the conversation was over.

Maria looked at me, no, stared at me. "That's her?" she said.

"Yeah, that's her. My long lost love," I said.

""She's a pretty woman, but so tall! You're so short. How...?"

"Damned if I know, but it's okay, her lover is a great big guy," I said.

"And black too if I heard you right," she said.

"Yeah, that too," I said.

"You going to talk to her? I mean after all this time. What, ten years, right?" she said.

"Yeah, about ten years," I said. "Talk to her? Why? What's she going to say to me. Hope you're doing well. Best wishes for a long and prosperous life...fuck it," I said.

"Don't be an asshole, Oscar. Talk to the woman. Who knows, maybe it'll lead to something. Or, maybe not; but what do you have to lose?"

"Oh, not much, maybe just the last shreds of my self-respect," I said.

"Hah! You mean ego. Go talk to her butthead. If she is here to shine you on, or just to make herself feel better, call her some dirty name and come on back here, and I'll make you feel better," she said. I looked at her like she was nuts. But, she wasn't nuts, and I knew it. I nodded.

"Okay, I guess, why not. If she assaults me, please, come to my rescue," I said.

"You got it little man. I'll be there for you regardless," said Maria

"Do me a favor will you, Maria. Dump the little man shit, okay!" I said.

"Okay, okay. Just go over there and do your thing," she said.

She was looking down at her drink as I approached. I guess she sensed me being there; without looking up, she spoke to me.

"I'm sorry, Oscar. You're right. Right about all of it. Well, not about Bill. I dumped him, not the other way around. Too many dollies sucking on the tip of his penis for me to consider having anything long term with him. He's been history for a long time," she said.

I shook my head slowly from side to side. "Why now, Pen? Why now? It's been so long," I said. She snorted.

"You were kind of hard to find is the main reason. I sure didn't have the resources to hire a professional. I still wouldn't know where you were if a friend of mine hadn't spotted you. Veronica Daly, you remember her, don't you?" she said. I nodded, but I wasn't sure if I remembered her or not.

"She's the one that got me the job I finally landed. I'm a receptionist in a dental clinic; it pays the bills. Not a ton of money, but being single and all, well, I don't need much," she said.

"Yeah, yeah, I think I remember her," I said. "Short redhead, always smiling?"

"Yes, that's Ronnie. Anyway, I don't know why I'm here. Maybe to beg your forgiveness. Maybe something more. I don't know. I just needed to see you. See how you were doing."

"Something more? What something more?' I said.

In a very small voice, she said, "To ask you to come back?" It was a question.

"To what, Pen? Bill's gone you say. Who else has been keeping you company?" I said.

"No one special. There've been a few men over the years, but none have ever slept in my bed—our bed—and neither did Bill, Oscar, never! And, none lasted long enough for it to ever get serious," she said.

"Not our bed but theirs?" I said.

"Yes, theirs, at their houses or apartments. I do have needs, Oscar. But most of all I need you. Any chance?" she said. I stared at her for a long moment. She became a little uncomfortable.

"Wait here a moment," I said. I headed back to Maria. "She says she wants me to come back. Needs me," I said. "What do you think?"

Maria smiled at me. "If you're going to do it, have her come to you, come here, not the other way around. Her response to that will give you some idea of her level of commitment. She comes to live here: she's sincere. She insists you go back there: she's not really committed to resurrecting your marriage," she said.

"Maria, you know, you're pretty smart for a middle aged Mexican haus-frau," I said laughing.

"Haus frau is German, Oscar," she said.

"Oh yeah, I forgot," I said.

"Well?" said Maria.

"Well what," I said. She let her gaze wander toward a teary-eyed Penelope. I nodded my understanding and began the trek back to her table.

She saw me, and she looked nervous. I was feeling sorry for this past love of my life, and I wanted to hold her in the worst way. But, I had a mission: one given to me by the one woman in the world I actually trusted, Maria.

I took a seat opposite her. "No more Bills," I said.

"Huh? What...?"

"No more Bills, guys who make a mockery of a man's love for his woman. Clear enough?" I said.

"Yes. Uh-huh," she said. I watched her eyes. They would be the tell, well, I hoped that they would.

"Anyway, You're saying you want to get back together? No messing here tonight; it's either yes or no," I said.

"Yes, sir," she said.

"Then, you'll be moving here. No delays. No ifs no ands no buts."

She hesitated, digesting what I was saying. "The house? My house?" she said. "I bought it with my own money. Money I worked hard for; I, we, lost the old one. I just couldn't get make the money I needed to save it. So, I don't want to lose my new little place, Oscar. If I come here, can I keep it? You know, rent it out maybe?" she said.

"Hmm? I don't..."

"It's just something I did for myself, Oscar. It's not a place to fall back on; don't think that. It's just, well, something that I accomplished. I'd hate to lose it. Is that okay with you, sir?" she said. I nodded in the affirmative.

We rented out her house. She did move in with me. We haven't remarried; and, then there was Maria.

******

The first couple of months after Penelope moved in with me were, to put it mildly, well, glorious! The sex was non-stop, varietal, and almost daily. We were making up for lost time.

I was sitting at my usual place in the Courtyard when Maria walked in. She looked grim.

"Want to kill my husband for me, Oscar," she said, as she took the stool next to mine.

"Club? Gun? Samurai sword?" I said. She smiled the smile of the frustrated.

"I caught him again. The bum can't keep it in his pants," she said. "If he ever fucks another woman I will kill him."

"Huh? I thought you said you just caught him again. I mean, oh, wait, a blow job, right," I said. She looked long at me.

"There's something I have never told you, Oscar. Juan is bi. I caught him with another man. I'm his only woman, but..."

"Jesus! You mean all this time, all of these many times, the stories: all about him and other men?"

"Yes. And, it's getting old. He tries to stop; I know he does, but the hormones...," she said.

"I have to ask, Maria. Why do you stay with him. Frankly, you're a very pretty girl. You could easily..."

"Find a replacement? Not with a nine-inch dick and stamina found in few others. No, I'm keepin' him, well, until I finally kill him that is," she said.

"How are you and Penelope doing? You seem content, well fucked actually," she said.

"Good, and I am, and I am" I said.

"Now if you were only bi," she said. She laughed at some inside joke I was not privy to. So, I asked.

"What's so funny? I thought you were pissed at the guy?" I said. She looked at me and laughed again.

"No, you don't want to know," she said. Well, of course with her laughing like a hyena, I did want to know. So I pushed it. Someday, I have to stop doin' shit like that.

"Yeah, I do. Give," I said.

"Well, promise you won't be angry with me," she said.

"Yeah, yeah, I promise," I said.

"Well, I was picturing him boning you," she said, and she started back in with the hysterics. I stared at her in disbelief for some moments.

"Not funny," I said. "I did my bi bit with my wife calling the shots ten years ago, and it wasn't any fun, not for me at any rate."

"Yeah, but it was for her, right?" said Maria.

"I guess. If you don't count it being part of the reason we haven't spoken in ten years. Yeah, I guess she did like it," I said. She was still smiling.

"You and your wife ever talk about your old fantasies? I mean these days?" she said.

"Hell no. We're both afraid it would be the end of us, and I don't want to lose her again, and she doesn't want to lose me," I said. "Better to let the dead stay buried."

"Hmm. Not really. The last time, if you don't mind my saying so, you did it wrong, and with the wrong third party," said Maria.

"What? You want us to take on your hubby or something? Do the cuckolding thing again? Are you nuts?" I said.

"No, I'm not nuts. But you are. And, no, I wasn't thinking about you getting it on with my husband: his cock is way too big to actually do you. Hell, it'd probably kill you, the pain." She hesitated. "But, then again, now that you mention it, it is a thought," she said. "Maybe if he went slow..."

"Fuck you, Maria," I said. Well, I was miffed. "That's all I need is another scene to totally wreck my life, my marriage," I said. "And I sure don't need your husband's dick up my butt."

"Okay, okay, it was just a thought. But, regardless, take my advice and don't let your sex life go stagnant just because you messed up in the distant past," she said.

"Duly noted," I said. I was not smiling.

******

I hated to admit it, but Maria had got me to thinking. Did Penelope still harbor fantasies, desires that might fester like a untreated wound. Something that might eventually do us in as a couple. And, what did I really want out of my marriage, our marriage.

For the moment, all I wanted was to get myself together, to come down from the years of stress and anger and jealousy and despair that had consumed me for so long. But, what of the more distant future. Was vanilla sex and passivity what I wanted, what she wanted.

The truth was that I did still have fantasies. But having them and being able to control them were two entirely different things. I made a decision, Pen and I would be talking; I just had to get up my nerve and figure out how to phrase what I wanted to say to Penelope without screwing up.

******

Breakfast was leisurely and Pen and I were in the zone, a good mood, a mellow mood. I looked at my woman, my beautiful woman. We'd had an athletic evening the night before and I was still pretty drained, but beginning to feel stirrings in my pants. My words with Maria the day before were coming home to roost. Penelope noticed.

"Oscar? Is something going on?" she said. I could feel my face flush.

"No, no, nothing," I said. I knew from the moment my words left my mouth that they were totally unconvincing. Proof of that was what came next.

"Look, Oscar, I'm not totally bereft of intellectual skills. You have something on your mind, and, I know beyond a shadow of the vaguest of doubts that you want to tell me. So, I'm going to make it easy on you, and let you," she said.

"Let me what?" I said.

"Let you tell me. So go on, out with it," she said. I wasn't quite wringing my hands, but close.

"I want to try again," I said.

"Okay, I'll bite. Try what, Oscar?" she said.

"You cuckolding me," I said. I'd stopped her with that one. Her mouth was hanging wide open. She looked to be about to have a stroke.

"Penelope? Are you okay?" I said. She did not look well. But, she did get up and walk out of the kitchen. I sat there with my foot in my mouth. I considered that better than having her foot up my ass, which at that particular moment in time, I thought to be more than likely to be the case shortly.

I'm not sure how long I sat there wondering what was going to happen next or if I had completely blown it with her. It sure as hell wasn't the reaction that I was hoping to get, or, reasonably thought I might get.

I got up and headed into the front room. She was there looking out the bay window. Her hands at her sides, she stood stock still. She must have heard me come in: she addressed me without turning around. "How do you see it happening," she said. She finally turned to see me.

She'd surprised me. She didn't ask why. She didn't become indignant over my obvious one-eighty in the matter. Just, "How were we going to do it?"

"Not sure, but carefully," I said. She nodded.

"It almost destroyed us last time. I couldn't go through that again, Oscar. I'm not sure that this is a good idea. The whole fantasy, your fantasy, my part in it: it's so risky," she said. "What if you catch me saying shit again like last time. I probably will, you know. I won't mean any of it, but say it? Probably."

"We'll have to talk, I guess. Work that out. I'll have to be less sensitive, and you'll; well, have to be a little more considerate. I don't think that it's the impossible dream for us to figure out how to do it right," I said.

"I have to ask, will this be a real full blown cuckolding thing, or, will there be some set in stone limits. I need to know about that up front, Oscar. If I deny you intercourse like a true cucky would be denied, are you going to run out on me? If the man, my bull, says something that's a little insensitive are you going to pack up and leave me?" she said.

"Pen, I'm not sure I can do the full blown thing. I might try, but in the end, well, I just don't know," I said. She looked away.

"If we do this, if we go this way, I mean all the way, I have to be the one to lead, Oscar. I'm the woman. I'm the one doing the cuckolding. You'll be the cuckee. If all you want to do is play the game; well, we can do that, I guess, but for me at least it doesn't seem all that exciting," she said. "Still, that said, I'm willing."

"Wait," she said. "I take that back. I am willing, but only willing to try it short term maybe a month or so. Then, if it looks like you can deal with being a real honest to goodness cuckold; then, and only then, will we get involved with the scene again. Fair enough?"

"No, yes, a shorter period, but not only a month, maybe six months. A month wouldn't even be a real test. For six months I will be a real 'honest to goodness', as you say, cuckold; no limitations.

"Really, no limitations? For six months?" she said.

I looked at her, swallowed big. "Yes," I said. "If we, I, you, have to change things, you know, set limits..."

"Then we will," she said.

At least I was being left with an out. If it didn't work in the short run I, we, could back out. Right?

"Okay then. How do we pick my bull?" That was a surprise. She was allowing me some latitude and say in the situation. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. I had the sense that she wanted to do things right this time, really right.

"I'll take care of that part. Then, if I fuck up I certainly couldn't be blaming you," I said.

She gave me a look and smiled. "Okay. Just please make sure that he's not too ugly," she began giggling. Then she turned serious.

Oscar, what if we can't make it to the end of six months, What if at the end of, say two months, you can't handle it? What if the bull turns out to be a bad one? I mean..."

"I am committed to six months, Pen. If it doesn't work out; then, it doesn't, and we go back to how we are now. My only real concern is the intercourse thing, the denial part. That might very well be too much for me. If that turns out to be the only fly in the ointment; well, we'll make an adjustment to let me have you—what—periodically, maybe once a month or something. Okay?" She smiled her agreement and nodded.

"But, you have a point about the guy. If the Bull turns out to be a real shitass like good old Bill; we'll just dump him and get someone else to finish out the six months. But, regardless of who the bull is, I will be wearing my cuckold's collar for six months no matter what," I said. "Okay."