Permission

Rob's mum Jean remained stoic and resolute, a constant reassuring presence. She explained to him that he wasn't a burden, helping wasn't just for him, it helped her and me as well, she had been through it all with his father, caring for him was a gift she and I were happy to undertake.

Rob asked her about being alone after his father died; it was that which had led him to accept the proposals from Steve. She insisted she had been happy, living a full life with friends and family. She also thought it would have been unfair to remarry another man when she was still and always would be in love with Rob's father. It reminded me painfully of the love I had let slip.

It was another three months before Rob passed away peacefully.

In his final words he said he forgave me for everything and urged me to find someone and move on with my life and not to go back into my shell, otherwise it was all a waste.

Rob had left me with a lot of assets and money, none of it meant a thing. I should have known something was wrong, there was no way he would have accepted the things we did. I didn't see that because I got so focused on myself. Rob knew me so well; I would have disappeared into my shell again when I lost him. But his solution was devastating, the realisation I let him down. I prided myself on being a good person and had lost that belief in myself; no amount of confidence could repair that sort of damage.

Steve came to the funeral; we talked briefly confirming we both felt as bad as each other. He had given me paid leave of absence so I could spend all of my time with Rob and I confirmed my intention never to return to work.

***

It was another 6 months before Steve came to see me again, still in the house I had shared with Rob.

I was shocked to see him, "This is a bad idea Steve, I don't want to dredge everything up."

He held his hands up, "I will go if you want but you should know this wasn't my idea, it was Rob's."

That got my attention quickly, "What, how?"

"That time I came to see him, he asked if I loved you and I admitted it."

"He said that you had feelings for me but would probably need time. He didn't think we would have gotten as close as we did without well... loving each other."

"We can't... it's not right."

"Right or wrong, I do love you Susan, always have."

Despite Rob's views and Steve's statement of love I struggled to get over what we had done to Rob. We saw each other a few times but just as friends.

It was Jean who turned things around saying I was far too young to not live the rest of my life well, something which Rob had been denied but that he would want for me. She went as far as saying she wouldn't speak to me again if I denied her sons dying wishes. I burst in to tears and sobbed on her shoulder, saying Rob had been so brave and selfless, thinking about me and not himself, whilst I had been the complete opposite.

Jean held and shushed me, "We all make mistakes, don't let them ruin your life. You made things up with Rob and cared for him for months, I know he felt and appreciated all your love at the end and he isn't blameless in all of this.

Steve slowly came back into my life, it wasn't the same as with Rob but it was close. I always felt as if Rob was still present and with us, that was a comforting feeling. When Steve was at work I often chatted away to Rob as if he was still there.

We lived together for the rest of our lives but I could never bring myself to re marry, I still felt like I was Rob's wife and it was just a matter of time before we'd see each other again.