Perri 01

Perri 01

Okay then, hey there, being called Perri wasn't exactly my doing, but once an old school mate, Luci, explained to me why I thought some people were saying "Barry" funny or different, I binged the TV show that she said it all that came from and then I saw the slight resemblance and I kind of liked the resemblance and then I took a few steps to kick the doppelganger thing up even more and then once Mildred at the Hair Salon fashioned my hair just the right way, well, the reflection in the mirror said "good morning, Perri" every single day, so hey there people, I'm Perri.

And I'll even admit that once a month or so, I may or may not poke my lower lip on the right side with a straight pin to replicate the imperfection that TV Perri has in that spot and even if it's not exactly the same, but it's the best I can do and that's how I do it.

And then I stay on the side, just where everyone had me before I became Perri. But they all least still looked at me and the smiles seemed to increase, so I took all that as a win and a vote of confidence and that's where my story starts. It starts with the day where I had the confidence to go to Switchgrass and see what happens when a shy dresser like me, who figured out how to improve a few things, would fair at the event that is simply called Switchgrass. Or Switchgrass only happens every two or three years, so get with now for short.

But before I get into Switchgrass, I might as well admit that my doppelganger activities didn't stop with just TV Perri. I follow a southern Trans named Michelle and I copied his style of Denim shorts because that area and shape of my body is similar to his, but to be clear, I have not and will never copy the things that come out of his mouth! Or I don't dress to just have sex for short, although, LOL, I remember a few of the, um, "suggestions" that he spews out there, you know, just in case, LOL.

Anyways, I think I have doppelganger copied my way into a decent looking confused person with what I think is a pretty nice universal body and I feel better about standing off to side that way and my only regret is that I cannot for the life of me, copy the slight difference between the male and the female rib cage construction.

So, having almost everything I ever wanted except for that noticeable indentation that would send me over the moon, let me get on to Switchgrass and my first adventure there during a full moon.

I don't really know if the large area is technically a marshland or a dried-up wetland or an old ancient swamp that goes dry every few years, but every two or three years, the large vast of land is dry enough to walk in or around and the only thing you have to deal with are a few gators and the endless sea of switchgrass bundles. And with mother natures help, every two or three years, not only does the area dry out, there is usually one month in the summer months where there is a full moon on a weekend night and that's how the legend of Switchgrass came to be.

And what happens at Switchgrass is that people, couples or small groups, go into the vast spread of dried out, tall and itchy switchgrass bundles, find or claim their spot and smash down the dead grass and make their own circle space to hold their numbers and party under the full moon.

And legend has it that there may be as many as 30 smashed down circle spots on a good full moon, but you would need a drone with full moon light cameras for an official count. Or Nathan for short, LOL, but that's right up his nerd alley, so, yay Nathan, for keeping count and maybe yay Nathan, for the unofficial drone spy videos, or you know, nerd sex ed for short. Or so legend has it anyways.

Anyways, going to Switchgrass alone was certainly a risk, but since I upgraded my Perri appearance, I had the confidence to at least try it.

And I prepped for Switchgrass. Rule #1 is that unless you like to have your legs and forearms shaved the hard way from the endless blades of dead or dying switchgrass, long legged pants and long sleeves were a must and I went the way of crisp canvas camo pants and a matching hoodie and some matching camo undies, not that anyone but me would know that part. Well, Caitlin and Maya had a little bit of advance notice on that part, but those two caught me at the mall and they chipped in, so.

And Rule #2 was a good, yet small, switchgrass adventure flashlight with a lanyard strap and of course, Rule #3 was to always check that the swamp log in your smashed down party area is not a resting gator. And all other rules beyond that involved coolers, picnic style blankets and condoms and whatever else is required for two or three hours of mixing in a hidden circle under the full moon. And of course, taking back out what you brought into the dried-up swamp is just good human curtesy, so.

Oh, and to help me with getting a little off of the sidelines, I chipped in and bought a box of small trash bags to distribute to help all of the people who weren't held off to the side with their human courtesy trash removal process. I mean, seriously, who could reject me for doing that right?

But everything started the afternoon prior when I headed to the mall for 30 minutes to get the correct protective clothing requirements, which is where I ran into Caitlin and Maya and that's right, I just say their names without old acquaintance qualifiers because, well, we all went to school together, but hey, they recognized me from the sidelines, so yeah, that's right, I just say their names!

"Well, Perri, you've come a long way these days, so, are you going to Switchgrass tonight then, hmm?"

"Oh, Caitlin, I am going to Switchgrass tonight and I want a crisp camo outfit to wear and I'm going to distribute small white trash bags to the people and maybe mingle a little, so."

"Oh, cool, they sell camo pants at the Jeans store, so we'll come with then."

[Caitlin gently rib elbow nudges Maya]

"Oh, and wow, you and your hoodies, right, Perri? They sell camo hoodies at the Leather Jacket store, so, we'll come with then."

[May gently rib elbow nudges Caitlin in return]

"Perri, do you have a new switchgrass bundle adventure flashlight? I mean, it's a must to find your way around the endless sea of switchgrass bundles to find your friends and they sell them at the Boots store, so, we'll come with then."

[Caitlin gently rib elbow nudges Maya again]

"Listen, Perri, you've obviously come into your own and you have a nice appeal about you, so, I mean, Switchgrass is generally for couples or small groups, so if you're hoping to or thinking about keeping anyone company tonight under the full moon, I mean, you might as well finish off your outfit with camo undies and they sell them at the Red Bag store, so, we'll come with."

"Oh, all that stuff sounds like my shopping list anyways, Caitlin and Maya, but I might be embarrassed to let on that I hoped to at least swing by the nerd store here in the mall to see if Nathan is working, so?"

"Oh, Nathan then, Perri, huh, he might be a good match for you then, so, we'll come with."

I mean, I just said it, folks. I needed stuff for Switchgrass, so I had planned on spending three hours at the mall the afternoon prior, so.

LOL, what I didn't say was how Caitlin and Maya stopped time as the three of us entered the nerd store together. And that's right, that's me, lost in the middle, but I was there. Not that most of the store's nerd customers surrounded me, but hey, I was there!

"Nerd Nathan, Perri here will be at Switchgrass tonight in a sweet ass camo outfit with crisp pants that hang off of his backsides in quite the alluring manner and his flashlight beam will be flashing all around the bundles and circles of smashed down switchgrass and if you have any thoughts about that and want his company, well, you might use your nerd drone to safely direct him to your hiding circle as he passes out small trash bags. You might also use your nerd drone to capture Hillary in action, but that's up to you. Also, if it helps to get this half circle of nerds from breathing down our necks, I will say that Maya and myself will be matched up with Perri in camo undies department tonight, so?"

[Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, the half circle of sexless nerds all faint]

"Um, um, um, um, um."

"Well, it's up you, nerd Nathan, just watch what you let go in life then."

"Um, um, um, um, um, northwest corner, um."

"(Sorry, Perri, I think that's all we're getting out of him, so.)"

"(Are you kidding me, Caitlin? Nathan just asked me out!)"

"(He did? Did I faint with nerds and didn't know it then?)"

Well, I heard it clear as day, please, please, please, find me in the northwest corner of the old swamp and keep me company because I'm nerd fagging for you and your crisp camo outfit which includes camo undies! I mean, that's basically word for word, right?

But that's how one walks out of a mall then! With two girls in tow, even though the shopping bags distributed was lopsided in their favor and with a Switchgrass possible "keep me company" date!

And it's simply referred to as Switchgrass. Not "the switchgrass" or "full moon switchgrass", just Switchgrass. Because I know stuff now and yeah, that's right, I know some stuff now!

"[Mwah] alright then, Perri, if we don't see you tonight at Switchgrass, it's because of the endless maze of switchgrass bundles and not because we're avoiding you and I mean that honest, Perri, now that I know how to manipulate you. And as parting thought, um, I certainly don't know what "keeping someone company" means in your life, Perri, but, but, but, no glove, no love, sweetie [mwah]."

Which was the exact moment that I knew that I was on that the path of life that my Perri persona was meant to be on! I mean, I have an entire box of kitchen latex gloves already, so. I mean, other than using them to prep chicken and stuff, I didn't see all that much other value, but if they are good enough to be Caitlin's vocabulary, then in the back of my truck they will go! Right next to cooler that Maya asked me to prep for them.

"[Mwah], LOL, Perri, you're the only guy, loosely stated, of course, that I don't mind staring at my boobs! And I will accept this one time for how you're watching out for the swamp creatures by reminding me that my sparkling wine plastic cork toppers would just get lost within the madness of the tall and itchy switchgrass bundles, but next time, right?"

"Well, Maya, it wouldn't look good on the TV3 News if they later gator's, um, releasing, um, plastic bottle cappers on camera, but you're the bigger person here for accepting to drink from "ewe" cans and all, so."

And that's right, folks, you heard all that correctly! That was two cheek kisses from two sweet and caring girls and I swear, if it weren't for the lopsided and over stuffed mall shopping bags getting in the way, well, it could have easily been two lip smacks! Right there in the mall parking lot in between two tall trucks so no one could spy on how good my life as Perri was going!

Well, here's what I didn't hear from anyone. The damn marshland area is full of weird nooks and dipsy doodles and curves and there are no real corners of any shape and the damn place is just an endless sea of tall and itchy switchgrass bundles! Or northwest from what, for short!

Or there is no one way into the irregular lunar, yet naturally occurring event for even shorter, so, I just headed into it.

Or time to disappear into the tall switchgrass for short!

[Switchgrass blade bundles, swoosh, switchgrass blade bundles, swish, fan out]

"Hello? Trash bag distribution, hello?"

"Hey, just here, this way. I need a trash bag."

[Switchgrass blade bundles, swoosh, switchgrass blade bundles, swish, fan out]

"Oh, hey, I'm Perri, oh, Bobby, you're Bobby then."

"Or I'm lucky. Come on in and have a seat next to me, oops, wait [rap, rap], it's good, it's a swamp log and not a gator, so, let's get reintroduced then, Perri."

"Hmm, not today, Bobby, but I have always given you credit for at least making an attempt to make your smirks almost look like smiles, so, thanks for that then, Bobby. Anyways, if you up front, Bobby, are you the Switchgrass tour guide? I'm looking for the northwest corner and maybe for Nathan, so?"

"Ahh, snap, Perri, I'm on beer and I'm the worse initial Switchgrass area tour guide ever, but I like your outfit. And Nathan's a nerd who likes to creep drone sex tapes, so he stays pretty well hidden in his nerdy far away switchgrass smashed down circle spot anyways, so???"

Or that old sports saying for short, stick and move!

"Well, be everything as it may, Bobby, I have trash bags to distribute and people to charm with my camo outfit, but I'll be sure to say "hey" back again on my way out if I'm not kidnapped given how tall and thick this switchgrass stuff really is now that I've actually ventured into it, so?"

"Alright, alright, wait, wait, Perri, I mean, if by chance you find Nathan the nerd to keep him company, I mean, what's the Perri move then, hmm? Not that I'm saying that idiot will endlessly stutter and faint if you don't make the first move, so????"

"Oh, um, according to some folks on Chang, I mean, my first "keeping someone company" move should be a nice hug, so?"

[Whish, Bobby assumes the nice hug ready position]

Well, nobody on Chang said that I couldn't practice along the way, so. But most did say that a carefully positioned thigh with a little movement works every time.

[Oh, a thigh nudge and another thigh nudge and then, oh my, a movement with purpose!]

"Oh, oh, Perri, Perri, oh, ooh, so, so, ooh, so, so, you say that you're available for, ooh, oh, dating then, OMG, OMG, Perri got thigh game then! Oh, a hug with a nudge to remember! Oh, boy, oh, oh boy!"

And that was the extent of my knowledge and my move.

"[Mwah] I'm off, Bobby!"

And apparently, I knew how to thigh rub a guy off as my move 1A. And his satisfied facial expression was priceless because that was a smile much more than it was smirk!

[Disappears into the tall and itchy switchgrass bundles on way to next switchgrass bundle]

"Hello? Trash bag distribution, hello?"

"Here, um, Perri? Just here, sweetie."

[Reappears through the tall and itchy switchgrass bundles of dried blades]

"Oh, hey Caitlin, Maya and the boyfriends. Also, whew, I'm glad I came upon you guys early in this process then, not that this small cooler is heavy for me. And Maya, I know it's not the best pairing with canned beer, but I slipped a small jar of caviar and a package of crackers inside of the cooler anyways, just in case, so who has heard the low humming of a drone then, hmm? Caitlin?"

"Oh, he's here somewhere, Perri, but the best coordinates that I can give are that way."

[Hands and fingers pointy in every direction over her shoulder]

"(Get rid of him, Caitlin.)"

"Oh, um, thanks for the trash bag and the cooler, Perri, so, wow, you have a lot of switchgrass bundles to investigate, right Perri?"

"Oh, I'm off with flashing my adventure flashlight around and Troy, that's a gator you're sitting on, so, see you guys!"

[Disappears into the tall and itchy switchgrass bundles]

[Pauses briefly to listen to and record the screams from Troy]

[Disappears into the tall and itchy switchgrass bundles on way to next switchgrass bundle]

"Hello? Trash bag duty with a nice booty in camo. Hello? Oh, oops, sorry, Staci, um, okay then, I'll leave a trash bag and go then. Also, hi Jake."

Well, Switchgrass is a place for couples to couple and all, so.

"Oh, OMG, Perri, oh, I'm sorry, Perri, I mean, Jake and I were just..."

"Staci, you and Jake are a perfect couple and coupling is natural, so. And the full moon light is most certainly your skin tones friend and all, so."

"Okay, Perri, thanks, I think, but maybe you should scoot along now, so????"

You see, folks, yeah, Staci has an amazing body, that's all, even with Jake covering up some of the good parts. Also, huh, Jake is a man then, not that I was frozen in place for two people coupling or anything.

"I'm scooting, I'm scooting, I'm on a mission to keep someone company tonight anyways, so, scoot, scoot, scoot, I go."

[Disappears into the tall and itchy switchgrass bundles]

[Pauses briefly to see how it's done. Just for a quick moment]

I mean, I always thought it was "ug, ug, ug, do me, baby", but as it turns out, it's just a free for all, not that I recorded any of that, so.

[Disappears into the tall and itchy switchgrass bundles on way to next switchgrass bundle]

"Hello? Trash bag distribution and I'll cover my eyes this time, hello?"

[Nah, doesn't cover eyes at all]

"OMG, OMG, Perri? Is that your voice, Perri?"

"Janet?"

[Reappears through the tall and itchy switchgrass bundles of dried blades]

"OMG, Perri, Perri, please come through for me and by the way, don't think poorly of me for sitting on the picnic blanket bottomless, but Perri, come through for me old friend, I'm desperate for a condom, Perri! And I'm desperate for you to not think poorly of me since you've caught me like this, so?"

[Drone humming and hovering overhead]

Hey, my box of small white trash bags had plenty of room for a few packaged condoms too, so, hey, I've emerged as Perri and I know some stuff! Especially since I downloaded a few of Nathan's drone sex tapes to view before attending Switchgrass!

[Slips a small trash bag out of the box and flips a couple of condom packages out of the box too]

"Janet, you've always had my back in secret, but it's you, the eternal neighborhood virgin, so where are your cucumbers then? Did a gator eat them?"

"Perri, we're not back in day these days, so, ugh, Brian is my cucumber tonight and ugh, ugh, he's off looking for soft green blades of switchgrass to fashion a makeshift condom and this is really where I need you to not think poorly of me, Perri!"

[Yelps from off in distance]

"Ouch, ouch, ooh, ouch, OMG, ouch."

Or, or, damn, or are you kidding me for short!

[Couldn't disappear into the tall and itchy switchgrass blade bundles fast enough!]

"Perri, wait!"

"What, Janet? Did you want me to peek you bottomless so that I will always know for sure that you shave down there?"

"Oh, yeah, okay, that's cool, but exit more to the left. That's a gator and not a log you're about to step on, so?"

[Replays couldn't disappear into the tall and itchy switchgrass blade bundles fast enough!]

[Reappears through the next tall and itchy switchgrass bundles of dried blades]

"Hello? Trash bag distribution and my camera phone is operating, so, hello?"

"Hey, who goes there? This a private smashed down switchgrass area, so beat it!"

"No problem, but I'm leaving a white trash bag right here and you have to use to carry your trash and stuff out, so???"

"I know the rules, so leave me then."

"Well, I've been told that Switchgrass is generally for couples or small groups, so why are you all alone tonight then, hmm?"

"Oh, well, it's not because you're catching me just before I found out what's it's like to strip naked in a field where there is a chance of getting caught naked outdoors or anything, so?"

[Fans out switchgrass blades a little, just to peek a little, quickly crisscrosses adventure flashlight]

"Alright, I'll leave you to your fantasy then."

[Drone humming and hovering overhead]

"Your boxers are almost the same as swimming trunks, so?"

"I thought you were leaving? And I kept backing up into the rear wall of my switchgrass dungeon and paper cutting my butt cheeks, so, move along."

[Fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap]

"Well, are you going to tell me your name?"

"Ugh, I'm gross and disgusting, that's who I am."

"Well, you're not disgusting. Whacking off like under the full moon is questionable, but you're not all that disgusting in my flashlight beam."