Perspectives Ch. 15-16

Briefly, neither of us said anything. It was probably just as well. Things had taken a hostile turn...not something I'd meant to happen. I took another brief pause to give time for cooler heads to prevail before I continued talking. "After she told me, I realized from the way you'd been acting toward me that you must have a thing for me. I had an overreaction and was intent on sitting down with you and telling you to forget about whatever feelings you might have for me."

"I see. That would've been awkward and embarrassing for both of us."

"That's exactly what Laura said to me when she talked me out of doing that." I smiled at Jason, hoping to diffuse any residual hostility that might've been left over from a moment ago.

Jason didn't return my smile, keeping a neutral expression on his face. Boy was he a tough nut to crack! "I guess it's a testament to your self-restraint that I never knew until about a year ago that you were feeling ill at ease around me. But, what does a conversation with your wife from five years ago have to do with why you've been acting weird toward me for the past year?"

And THAT was the $250,000 question... With that one question, he'd beaten me to the punch of what I truly needed to unburden myself of. Here goes nothing... "This is the main part of what I wanted to be honest with you about. After figuring out about your crush, I started to become super-aware of how you'd interact with me when we'd be in a room together. I noticed you flirting with me, teasing me, sneaking glances at my crotch, and other things."

His face started to turn several shades of crimson and for the first time, I actually noticed Jason look embarrassed. "John, I'm sorry. The flirting was just harmless, so I'm actually not sorry about that. But the crotch thing, I thought I was being more subtle than I was."

I couldn't help but laugh. "It's not hard to miss talking to someone and, one minute they're looking at your face, then next you see their eyes divert lower and you can tell they're trying to burn a hole in your pants with their eyes."

What happened next actually made some of the tension in the room melt away. Jason looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say? I'm a red-blooded gay man. But I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

For just a brief moment, at least, we seemed like two regular guys shooting the shit. Not a guy who had a huge crush on his boss and another guy who was trying to walk the thin line between protecting his marriage and giving in to the sexual desire that had been building in him for more than a couple years.

"Truthfully, you didn't make me uncomfortable. Like you just said, everything you were doing was harmless. You weren't overtly coming on to me. *I* was the reason I was uncomfortable with what you were doing. That and how I began to feel made me feel the need to push you away. Despite the fact that my wife had talked me out of confronting you five years ago, I was too insecure and self-conscious to have a healthy conversation with you. Instead, I started - as you put it earlier - acting like an asshole toward you."\

I had to sigh heavily after getting all that out. I wasn't usually one to take blame for anything. But it felt good to say it. My name is John Roberts and I'm an occasional asshole.

"What do you mean that how you were feeling caused you to feel like you had to push me away?"

Looking into Jason's eyes after he said that made my spine start to tingle and the hair on my arms feel like it was standing on end. I'd wanted to be honest with Jason. But, not THIS honest. Maybe there was a way out of having to come completely clean about everything. "You know... Like I just said... I was uncomfortable. That's all."

I was backpedaling as fast as I could...and Jason was having none of it! "Not so fast! You said in addition to feeling uncomfortable, you were feeling something else. What else were you feeling?"

Now it was my turn to shift uncomfortably in my seat. I'd been cocky earlier when I thought how much I was enjoying Jason's time squirming on the end of my fisherman's hook. Now it was my turn in the hot seat again. But, damned if I wasn't still going to try and get out of it! "You know. We don't really have to talk about this now. Maybe I should just go. I'm sure you have other things to do."

I started to get up out of my chair when he adopted the same posture he had before...leaned back in his chair with his arms folded. "Figures..."

"What do you mean by that?" If there was nothing I disliked more, it was being challenged.

"You made this whole speech earlier about having the guts to be as honest with me as I was with you. Except you're reverting to having a typical John reaction. All that's missing is the part where you fly off the handle for no reason at all. Don't you think you owe it to me to tell me what's been going on between us for the past year or so? I'm still in the dark about what's been motivating you to act like you've been acting toward me."

He was exactly right. I owed it to him. And an ever growing larger part of me wanted to spill my guts in the hope that it might lead somewhere. I sat back down in my chair and looked at him. "You're right. You do deserve to know. I just don't want it to change things between us and to affect my family when you find out." The part of me that still cared about what might happen to my family reared its head again.

Jason smiled at me before he spoke softly like a psychiatrist talks to his patient. "John, the only way whatever you've got to say to me can hurt your family or change our dynamic is if you don't say it. It's been my experience that, when you keep thoughts to yourself, they have a way coming out in other ways that can be just as damaging or more damaging. It's just you and me here. This is a safe place." If I hadn't been so distracted by what the fallout from all of his was going to be, I probably would've thought he was pandering to me.

But the calming effect of his soft voice had done its work. I had to come out with the whole truth. There was no way I could run away or stick my head in the sand now. "All right. I'll tell you. There came a time after I realized that you had a thing for me and were flirting with me that I started to realize that I was flirting back without consciously intending to. And then, then fantasies and daydreams started."

There it was. I'd said it...actually verbalized practically everything I'd been feeling for the past several years now. I could tell by the look on Jason's face that, even if he'd fantasized about me - as I guessed that he probably had at least a few times - it surprised him to know that I'd had my own fantasies.

"Fantasies?"

"Yeah..." I started to hesitate. But what the hell... We were already this far down the rabbit hole. I might as well say everything. "I started thinking about you and I...us...you know... Doing stuff. I didn't know what it meant, but it freaked me out. I love my family, Jason. I wouldn't hurt my wife and kids for the world. That's when I decided that I needed us to stop flirting. Maybe if we weren't so chummy around the office anymore, the fantasies would stop. It was around that time that we switched over to the using the online audit form. When we had that disagreement, it was the perfect opportunity for me to create some distance between us. That's why I've been acting like I have. I've been desperately trying to keep this...whatever it is, from going any further. Do you understand where I'm coming from?"

I know the look of someone who is trying to stifle a smile. And that's exactly what Jason was doing. I couldn't blame him. From his perspective, hearing me say everything I'd just said was probably years of sexual frustration finally coming to fruition. For me, yeah, it was relief. I was finally able to let out so many of the emotions and feelings that I'd kept locked up. But, I'd also let out with them the chance that my family might be hurt. I hoped that Jason understood that things had to stop here and they had to stop now.

"I do. And I can't tell you how grateful I am for being honest with me about all of this. I know it took a lot for you to say everything you just said. But I do have one question."

Crap! Can't we just let this drop already?! "Okay," I'm sure that I looked more than a little apprehensive.

"Did pushing me away and treating me as badly as you did work?"

"What?" Of course, I'd heard what he'd said as clear as day. I knew a flimsy stalling tactic like this wouldn't actually work. But that didn't stop me from trying it, just the same.

"I mean, did going through all that trouble of trying to alienate me accomplish what you wanted it to? Did you stop thinking about me and fantasizing about you and I...us...you know... Doing stuff?"

Of course the answer's no! I didn't stop thinking about Jason. If anything, I probably started thinking about him even more! All I could do while I figured out what the hell I was going to say was lean back in my chair and rub my eyes. I'd brought this on myself, of course. If I hadn't listened to my dick and just walked out that door a few minutes ago, I'd be back in my room right now watching reruns of The Big Bang Theory on cable. I could just lie, right? It wasn't in me to do that. But what else can I do? God... I SO feel like I could pass out right now! I took a deep breath and did the only thing that would sit right with my conscience. I told the truth. "No. It didn't. I still thought about you that way. Still THINK about you that way. And that's why, when Janine told me that she wanted you to accompany me here to Denver, I did everything I could to talk her out of it. Just the idea that we'd be alone together like this scared me. I wasn't sure if I could keep myself from doing something to hurt Laura and the kids. And, it sounds like last night, I was willing to do just that."

I couldn't look at Jason. If I did, I felt like I might burst into tears. I could only look away. I hated him right now. Hated him for all the pressure I was under. Hated him for the jeopardy I was putting my marriage in. Hated him for how much I wanted to do things with him that no married, straight man should want to do. And fuck did I want to do those things. Wanted to do them with Jason. The urge was becoming almost unbearable. Out of the blue, I felt his hand on my shoulder. He said softly, "John, it's okay."

Okay?! How could it be okay?! "Is it?"

"Sure. I mean, I'm not happy that you chose to try and alienate me at work instead of talking things out with me. But, now that everything's out in the open and we both know how the other feels, we can move on."

He patted me on the shoulder and then kept his hand there. How nice for him that he felt so free and unburdened now... Not me. I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. This is not how this week was supposed to go! We were supposed to be at the PST conference in different seminars and staying away from each other. I would do my best to have as little interaction with him while we were back here at the hotel. And, by the time we were ready to back home, he'd get the picture that I was definitely off limits. Once he stopped flirting with me, I'd finally be able to put these tantalizing and torturous fantasies out of my mind and move on with my life. Instead, exactly the opposite happened. And now... Now, I felt like I was on the road to inevitably ruining my life! How could I ever possibly just...move on?! "Maybe YOU can move on. But, how can I?" I spat out. "If I'm not careful, I could jeopardize everyone that I love. I have these feelings and urges that I can't get rid of and I don't know what that means...what I might do if the urge becomes so damn strong that I can't resist it."

Jason looked at me, smiling. "John, I think I have a way to calm the turmoil you're feeling right now."

I had relatives who were always consumed with get-rich-quick schemes. Normally, I'd know much better than to fall for whatever snake oil he was trying to sell me with that line. But right now I was a desperate man willing to believe anything that might calm my nerves and get all of these thoughts out of my head. "You do?" I looked at him with what I'm sure was a wide-eyed and pleading look. Hoping he was offering to save me from myself. "What? Tell me. I'll do anything not to feel like I'm feeling right now."

"What if you acted on what you're feeling?"

"What?" I couldn't have heard him right. He didn't just suggest what it sounds like he suggested, did he?

"I could help you... I mean, we could... You know..."

I felt my face go hot and I felt like I was momentarily blind. This must be what it feels like to fly into a rage. I didn't want this. I didn't want to ruin my family, but I didn't want this either. I felt rage welling up inside of me and there was only one direction it could be directed. I didn't want that. But it was as if every single conflicting emotion I'd been feeling about Jason, my marriage, my family, and my own sexual identity began to gel together. I had to try and hold back the wave of anger as best I could. I spoke, trying to maintain an even temper. "No. Absolutely not! Are you crazy?! I just got finished saying I don't want to hurt my family and you suggest doing the one thing that could end my marriage?!

Whatever Jason was saying in response to what I'd just said was absolutely pointless. I could see his lips moving, but I couldn't hear a single word. My blood was racing. My ears were ringing. I was ready to erupt...and not in the 'damn, that's hot!' kind of way. Not even allowing myself to filter what spewed out of me, I raised my voice. "My God! You probably want me to push you down on the bed and have my way with you right there on the bed where, not more than two hours ago you had random sex with some strange guy! Maybe having random sex with guy after guy is what you do on a regular basis, but that's not who I am. And I'm not going to let you make me something I'm not. You're sick!"

Don't ask me how I got there, But, the next thing I remember, I was in my own hotel room, laying on my bed, breathing heavily and trying my best to get control of myself. I must've suffered some sort of rage-induced blackout. I was a man on the edge. And, as tears streamed out of my eyes and dripped onto the bed comforter, I wasn't sure how anything was ever going to be okay again.