Perspectives Ch. 17-18

My face crinkled in disgust as I caught sight of the guy I'd seen earlier today coming out of Jason's room. "Ugh! Skeevy asshole," I involuntarily muttered under my breath. I was almost ready to head into the bar when I noticed the familiar back of Jason's head, sitting across from the guy. "Figures..." I also muttered. I don't know why... No. Never mind. I knew why I was so bothered that Jason was hanging out with the guy!

I made my way over to the two of them, feeling my face flush. I couldn't believe I was actually jealous! Jason was still facing away from me, but as I got closer, I thought I saw his hotel room buddy glance in my direction. I finally got close enough to hear their conversation as the skeevy douchebag asked Jason, "So, you really have it bad for your boss then, huh?"

I wouldn't mind knowing the answer to that question. I held my breath as I waited to hear what Jason would say.

After a moment, he said, hesitantly, "Yeah. In a way, I guess I do."

What in the hell did THAT mean?

Almost as if he was reading my mind, Jason's conversation partner asked, "What do you mean 'in a way'?"

"Well, it's not like I'm trying to take him away from his family, or anything like that. But, to me, he's about the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on. There's just something about him that I find very attractive. And, when he's not being a total douche, he's just a cool, down-to-earth guy...the kind of guy you'd want to go have a beer with and spend all night talking about life. The funny thing is, I don't think he realizes how great of a guy he is. He sure doesn't act like it."

I shouldn't have felt so warm and fuzzy after hearing him describe me that way. I was desperately trying to hold my family together and not let these sexual desires for Jason interfere. Hearing that he thought so highly of me should've been the last thing I wanted to hear. Yet, it put a smile on my face just the same. I reached out and placed my hand on Jason's shoulder, feeling him jump slightly at my touch.

When he turned around to lock eyes with me, his eyes widened and he looked scared. "John! Uh, how long had you been standing there?"

I'm not sure how successful I was, but I decided to keep a poker face about how much I'd actually overheard. I felt like I'd given up too much power to Jason with all of the drama that had already taken place today. I needed to take a little of it back. Not bothering to answer his question, I asked one of my own with a sternness to my voice, "Did you get my text message?"

The next few minutes consisted of a fake, superficial conversation with Jason denying he'd gotten my text message and me telling him what my message was about. The douchebag even chimed in, trying to cover for Jason with some sort of lame lie about bad cell reception in the lobby. Yeah right!

When the asshole hotel employee finally took the hint and left us alone - I wanted to shove him in the back as he walked away - we headed for the elevator and went back upstairs. Given what had happened in Jason's room earlier, I decided my room would have better vibes and be a better place to apologize.

All the way up in the elevator and then in the hallway on our way to my room, I was summoning up the courage to do something that I wasn't used to doing. I'd never apologized to anyone at work. I'd had run-ins and confrontations with several people in the office and, whether I was in the wrong or not, I'd never said I was sorry. This wasn't going to be easy. But, by the time we were both standing in the middle of my room, I was ready. "Listen, Jason. About what I said earlier..."

Before I could get any further, Jason interrupted me. "No worries, man. You don't have to say anything else about it." Oddly, he turned his back to me as he was talking. What was THAT about?!

I was floored. This was one of the very few times where I was absolutely certain I'd done the wrong thing and I needed to make it right. Instead, Jason was going out of his way to absolve me of any wrongdoing. I couldn't believe it. "No. You're wrong. I do." I reached out and put my hand on his arm to get his attention. Even in the context of this conversation, just touching his arm sent electricity running through my body. "Could you turn around and look at me, please?"

When he turned around to face me, there weren't any tears. But, the look on his face said that they were in danger of coming out of his eyes at any moment. I didn't like to see anyone looking like that. And it stung to know that I was responsible for the way he was feeling. What he said next, floored me even more. "Before you say anything, John. We really don't have to talk about this again. What happened in my room earlier was really MY fault. I came on too strong. I was pushy. It was incredibly inconsiderate of me. I..."

Okay. This HAD to stop! I put both of my hands on Jason's shoulder and started talking over him until he stopped and listened to me. "Hold on! Wait just a second! Will you let me say stuff now?"

Jason eyed me with what I can only imagine must've been suspicion. And, I suppose I couldn't blame him. "Okay. But you really..."

"Stop that!" I had to interrupt him again. This guy was just as talented at accepting blame and fault as I was at deflecting it! We made quite a pair. "First of all, what happened earlier was NOT your fault. You were just saying how you felt and what you wanted. I'm the one who acted like an asshole."

"Don't say that, John. You weren't..." I cut him off again. Even if he and I didn't end up hitting the sheets, he needed to hang out with me more often and learn how to not be so ready to take blame for everything.

"Don't try to make excuses for me," I looked into his eyes as I spoke to him, hoping he'd see sincerity in them. "I know what acting like an asshole is. Apparently, I've had a lot of practice acting like that lately where you're concerned." It made me feel good when Jason returned the grin I flashed him. Maybe we were finally getting somewhere. I continued talking. "Second, I want to sincerely apologize for the way I handled our conversation earlier. I've worked with you for over seven years now. I know you're not sick. You're a great guy. Blowing up at you like that and then running away before we could resolve anything was a really shitty thing to do. You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry for doing it. I hope we can figure out a way to move on."

"I'm sure we will. It may take time. But, now that everything's out in the open, maybe we can actually become friends." Jason smiled at me, but it was one of those awkward smiles where you know the other person is only smiling because the occasion calls for it. How was I ever going to get him from an awkward, forced smile to the heights of passion?

After another brief awkward exchange, Jason pulled what I can only refer to in a self-deprecating way as 'a John' and started backing away toward the door. He even had his hand on the doorknob when he said, "I'd better head back to my room. I need to figure out what I'm doing for dinner. Besides, I'm sure you want to check in with the family. I'll see you later!"

I had to actually hold up my hand to stop him from opening the door. God... Now I know how he must've felt earlier when I kept trying to leave his room! "Wait a minute, Jason. There's a third thing I want to say to you."

"Oh?" he asked with a curious expression on his face as he turned around and walked toward me.

"So... I've been thinking a lot about our conversation earlier. You telling me how you feel about me and then me admitting that I've been thinking about you a lot over the past couple years or so. And then...what you offered to do for me. You know...before I acted like a royal asshole..." I cleared my throat more out of having a case of the nerves than because I needed to actually clear it. I must be the first and only horny man who was having trouble asking for what I wanted...

Jason took the moment to interrupt what I was about to say. "Look, John. I don't need a repeat of you telling me how wrong it would be for us to do anything like that. It wasn't right for me to put you in that position."

He was about to get the surprise of his life if I was ever able to get the words out! "Jason, I think you have the wrong idea of what I was about to say. What I'm trying to say is: in addition to beating myself up for the past couple hours for how I acted toward you, I haven't been able to stop thinking about what you offered..." C'mon, John. You can say it. Use your words! "...and how much I want to give it a try."

In that moment, you could've heard a pin drop in my hotel room. For a few brief moments, we stared at each other, me anticipating what Jason's reaction would be, and him obviously stunned at the sudden turn things had taken in the span of a couple hours. I was about to say something when Jason beat me to break the silence. "What?"

"I've been thinking about it ever since I got back to my room after we talked. In fact, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. And so...if the offer still stands, I was hoping we could, maybe...you know. Fool around a little bit."

He still didn't say anything. I started to think that maybe this was a bridge too far. After all, it was just a short time ago that I'd stormed out of his room after berating him and insulting him in the worst possible way. How could we go from THAT to having naked fun in such a short time. I was fine with it. But maybe Jason wasn't. I needed to plead my case further. I wanted... No. I NEEDED this.

"Listen, I know what I said earlier was really harsh. And, if you think I don't deserve what you offered anymore, I'll understand. But earlier... That was just a knee-jerk reaction. You have to know that what I also said earlier about fantasizing about us. That was totally legit. I've wanted to do stuff with you since before this afternoon. I'm only sorry that it took me this long to admit it to myself...and you."

Still no response. But he hadn't turned and walked out the door yet. That HAD to be a good sign, right? I took a deep breath and hoped for the best as I slowly walked toward him.