Pete the Pirate Ch. 01

Once again, I must warn you that my world - and its characters - may not align perfectly with what you've known from before. Please do me the kindness of allowing me to introduce everything to you without too much prejudice. I've also taken a little 'poetic license' with the geography of our world - which is where this story takes place. I do hope you enjoy my tale.

~~~

I opened my left eye - the only one I had LEFT (har har!) and assessed my current state of well-being. Honestly, my being wasn't well - and I was fairly certain the "being" part was rapidly coming to a close.

The dusty, grimy bricks that made up the pavement of the corner of the dark alley in which I had come to rest were liberally bathed in blood that should have been inside of my body. There was a lot of it - more than I thought I might have started the day with.

I was weak and my brain was growing fuzzy - and not just from the intense, throbbing pain that seemed to be coming from the majority of my battered body.

It was Saturday night and I had just wanted to play a game or two of poker. The proprietor of the establishment, however, took exception to me showing up at his door with money in hand. The main reason for this was that I owed him a bit of it already - quite a bit, in point of fact.

Seeing that I had arrived with no intention of paying my debt, he had directed his goons to relieve me of my money - and then collect the rest of his coin from my body - as painfully as they could.

His men were not scientist or doctors. They made their living by hitting or crushing, slicing, stabbing, or shooting. And that's what they did. The two biggest fuckers on the man's payroll dragged me down the alley - to this dark corner - and took from me what I owed their employer.

They took my right eye - mashing it into jelly with a massive grubby thumb - as they grinned sadistically into the one that still worked. They took both legs - at the knees. The pain - from them breaking the knees themselves - hurt far worse than whatever they had done to my feet and legs. To be honest, at the time, I had thought THAT was pretty, fucking, painful.

The two of them had stomped, smashed, kicked, sliced, and chopped. I had blacked out a few times - but they waited for me to open my eye once again before they resumed their work. They might not be overly intelligent - but they were very patient - at least when it came to delivering pain. They wanted to make sure I didn't miss anything important - especially when something important came up missing.

My right arm went in much the same way that my legs had gone. I had used it to try to keep them away from my eye. That pissed them off. They made it so that I couldn't use the thing anymore. I could see a couple stray fingers lying a few feet away.

I couldn't lift whatever was left of that arm at all; trying to do so shot fire across my battered forehead. It didn't matter, I was sure there wasn't enough of it left to worry about. I was dying anyway, what the fuck did I need a right arm for?

I was lying on my side - well - partially anyway. My left cheek was mashed against the brick surface of the poorly-lit backstreet. I could feel bits of dirt and gravel dragging against the side of my face whenever my body convulsed or I tried to move.

I could feel my left arm. I was pretty sure it was somewhere behind my head. Considering the condition of the rest of my body, it felt fine. However, I had a feeling my brain was "grading on the curve" at this point.

I could smell blood and vomit - though all I could see with my half-open eye was dirt, grease, and blood. I had vomited as the two brutes punched and kicked my chest, stomach, and balls. I also seemed to remember someone kicking my left ear - but that part of my body may have just been tingling from being trapped between my head and the alley's filth-covered surface.

Overall, I figured I'd be dead before daylight. Honestly, I was a little surprised that I was even still alive. I was pretty sure it was the excruciating pain that was keeping me awake.

I heard something moving outside of my limited range of vision. A dog? It sounded too big to be a cat.

When the thing came around to where I could see it, I was convinced that the rest of my sanity had fled. It looked to be about the size of one of those bankers from the Harry Potter movies - but thicker. The ears and face were more like a dwarf, though. Those eyebrows were whack! He (I think it was male) had unkempt silver hair going every which direction. He was holding a pair of goggles in one hand. He looked like some kind of weird, midget mad scientist. Yeah, I was losing my mind. Whatever the hell it was, it looked me over for a bit before addressing me.

"I can save you," the voice (which also sounded male) said, "but you'll owe me four years of service."

I laughed. It wasn't much of a laugh. It hurt too much to laugh. To my ears (well, ear, I guess) it sounded like the mindless mirth of a mental patient.

"You don't have much time," he warned me.

"Hurts," I groaned, feeling the dirt rub against my lips as I forced out the word.

"Undoubtedly," he said, emotionlessly. "Do you accept my offer?"

"Yes," I murmured, willing to agree to anything he promised if he would just stop the pain.

He stepped forward, reached down, grabbed the middle finger of my ruined right hand, and bent it backwards in a way that shouldn't have been possible. So much for reducing my pain. I blacked out.

~~~

I woke up on a wooden table. I was naked. There were thin metal tubes entering my body in several places. A couple of those places aren't meant to be seen by anyone other than your spouse - or maybe your proctologist.

"Awake, are you?" the tiny man asked. "You're strapped down but try not to move too much. You're not quite fully stable yet."

"I, uh, need to pee," I told him.

"You can just go," he replied. "There's a tube for that - and for the other too - but I'm not sure you'll be up for that for a bit longer yet."

"What are you?" I asked him.

"An artificer."

"No, like ... are you human?"

"Gnome."

"Gnomes are real?" I asked incredulously.

"Apparently," he replied. The corner of his mouth curled upward slightly but he didn't quite smile.

He stepped over and held up an arm that looked like it came off of C-3PO - from the Star Wars movies.

"You'll need to bind yourself to this before it'll stick," he told me.

"Bind myself?"

"I'm going to put it into place. Reach out with your magic and make it part of you."

"Magic?" I asked. "I don't have magic."

"Yes, you do," he replied.

He stared at me like I was a toddler. I stared back - like a really confused toddler. He didn't quite roll his eyes.

"It's inside of you. I can sense it. I wouldn't have made my offer to you if you didn't have it. Most of my creations won't work without it - at least not the ones you need. I'll put the arm into place. I don't know how to explain it to you but - I don't know - you just WILL it to be a part of your body. The arm won't work until you do."

I looked over to see a stump where my right arm used to be - just short of the shoulder. The tiny man pressed the metal arm against the stump. I stared at the metal arm.

"Tell your brain that you want to be able to control the arm," he suggested. "Try to move your fingers."

I had started to say, "I can't." but - at that moment - in my mind - I pinched the thumb and middle fingers of my right hand together - and the robotic Star Wars arm he was holding up did exactly what I'd told it to do. The gnome let go of the metal prosthetic appendage and it stayed in place - like it was glued there.

"See? You did it."

"It's not glued on?"

He took hold of the arm and pulled. I swore it was like the thing was a real arm. I could feel his hands on me - on it. He teased his fingernails along the back of the thing. I could fucking feel it!

"What the fuck?!"

It was the first time I had ever seen a gnome smile. It was a little weird. But it was the smile of a father - full of joy - happy to see his work pay off - watching his child take their first steps.

He left to work on something else and I explored my new appendage.

A few minutes later, he returned with a thick leather strap and a short length of the same metal tubing that was connected to my body.

"Cut this," he said, holding the strap between his hands.

"How?"

"Switch your fingers out for the blade," he told me.

"What the actual fuck?!"

"Think of your hand changing to a blade - it's one of the configurations I gave it."

I imagined my fingers turning into a knife and then gasped when they started "melting" - to reform as an 8-inch blade.

The gnome held the strap out and said, "Mind my fingers, please."

I didn't chop, hack, or slice. I simply set the blade against the leather thong.

"Good. Push against it a little and make your brain tell the blade to cut."

I gasped again as I "felt" the knife slide through the strap like it was a stick of cold butter.

"Good. Now the tube," he said, holding it up.

It was only about six inches long. I set the blade in the middle of it and willed it to cut the tube. It went through the metal just as easily as it had the leather.

"What the fuck?!"

The gnome chortled, collected his severed pieces of leather and metal, and moved off to work on something else.

I looked at the blade - the edge just looked like a butter knife. It didn't even really look sharp. I willed it to cut, though, and the edge shimmered with ... with ... magic? I "told" it to stop, and the edge went back to looking like a letter-opener. I set the blade against the edge of the table I was strapped to.

"NO!" the gnome called out, quickly and loudly.

I jumped when he yelled. He didn't really sound angry - but it had startled me. I looked down to realize the blade had disappeared and my fingers were back.

"Please don't tear up my things. You can practice with it more later."

"What else does it do?" I asked.

"There's a firearm option - actually - I think you'd call it more of a rail-gun - but the ammo is limited and it's kind of hard to reload - so you'll want to use that sparingly. I'll let you practice that later as well."

"Cool."

"There's a hammer."

"Will it hurt to hit stuff?"

"You felt the blade go through the leather and metal?"

"Yes."

"Like that."

"Awesome. Anything else?" I asked.

"Not that I recall at the moment. You ready for the legs?"

"Yeah, but I'm strapped down," I replied.

"We'll just test them for now," he said. "We still need to fit your eye, ear, and a few other bits."

"What's your name?"

"Xill."

"Zil?"

"With an X - and two L's - not that you'll be writing it down for anyone."

"Xill? I'm Pete. Thanks for saving my life."

"You're a fun project. Don't forget that you also owe me four years."

"You don't seem like an evil scientist or anything, I don't expect four years of running errands for you to be too big of a headache."

He laughed and said, "You haven't even seen the dragon yet."

"Dragon?"

"Some projects require dragon's gold. They don't give that stuff away."

"Dragons are real?"

Xill just laughed. Actually, it was a little more of a cackle. Maybe he WAS a mad scientist after all ...

He carried over the first leg and I saw that I had two eight-inch stubs below my hips. Apparently, that was all of my old legs that had survived.

"I had to reconstruct your pelvis," Xill said, matter-of-factly. "It's not magic - it's just metal. Although, it HAS been imbued to make it more durable."

"Shit!" I gasped, glancing between my legs - if he'd had to replace my pelvis ...

"Uh, yeah," he said, addressing my concerns. "I've preserved your testes - in case you want to try for children later. Your replacement bits are still over on the workbench. I realize it's not ideal, but I think (under the circumstances) you'll be happy with what I've come up with."

"How badly did they fuck me up?"

"As I said, you're a fun project."

"Fuck."

"Yeah."

"So, I have no dick?" I asked.

"Not at the moment."

"Where does that tube go?"

"Almost directly into your bladder."

"Fuck."

"Yeah."

"You sure four years is a fair bargain?"

"You offering more?" he asked, laughing.

"No. I just ... How long did ... How long have I been asleep?"

"A month."

"Holy, fucking, shit! A month?!"

"I ended up putting you into a sort of a medical coma in order to be able to get everything done. Well, I didn't put you into a coma. Kuss did."

"Cuss?"

"With a K. My wife. She's an herbalist and a healer."

A motherly figure stepped into view. She looked like the man - er, gnome - but much cuter. I don't think she was younger - just not as crazy-looking as her husband. She had kind eyes and auburn hair that was cut fairly short at the front - though there might have been a pony-tail hiding behind her head.

"Pete, was it?" she asked softly.

"Yes, ma'am," I replied.

"Ma'am," she said, imitating me, giggling.

Her hands glowed blue. She pressed them against my left arm and closed her eyes. Warmth and strength flowed through my entire being. It felt like a full-body hug - on the inside of my body. She reopened her eyes, stepped back, and smiled at me like I was her favorite grandkid.

"Do I owe you four years as well?" I asked her.

"Just finish getting better and I'll be happy," she replied.

"Thank you," I told her, genuinely appreciative for all the fucked-up-ness she had fixed.

She nodded her head to me and stepped away, giving Xill a peck on the cheek as she passed him.

After Kuss left, Xill stepped around the table and began setting the right leg into place. I willed it to join my body and I was able to move the foot and the toes. He left that leg in place as he went to retrieve the left one. In moments, I was a biped - once more - although not fully a human one any longer.

"Do the feet do anything interesting?" I asked Xill.

"You can run pretty fast, jump pretty high, and handle nasty falls - if you land on your feet. Try not to overdo it though."

I laughed and nodded. He approached my left side with a weird-looking disk. He leaned close to the side of my head and whispered something. I hadn't realized it - but that ear wasn't working at all - and I couldn't make out what he had said with my other one.

He pressed something to my head and said, more loudly, "You'll need to will the ear to work. I'll whisper again. Focus on listening with your new ear."

I listened as he whispered and suddenly, I could hear him - like he was yelling at the top of his lungs.

"Aargh!" I screamed.

"Sorry," he said. "It's really sensitive. I whispered as softly as I could. You can control the volume - just focus. I'll try again - at a whisper - like before. Dial the volume way back and then bring it up until you can hear me."

I nodded and willed the ear to go silent. He began whispering, once more, and I could just barely hear it with my right ear. I slowly increased the volume in my new ear.

"... when you can hear this. Tell me when you can hear this. Tell me ..." he kept repeating.

"Got it," I told him.

He stood and said, "I'll whisper one last time. Just nod if you can hear me."

"Okay," I said.

He leaned down and whispered, "Kuss loves anything purple. If you want to thank her, she loves violets and amethysts."

I nodded.

Xill stood up and smiled at me. I returned his smile. Sneaky little shit - although - I definitely DID want to get Kuss something nice for patching me up - and stabilizing me so that her husband could do his magic. Literally, I guess. I wasn't sure I'd ever even heard of an 'artificer' before - but this little dude made some crazy amazing shit!

He headed back to the workbench, once more, and came back carrying dentures. Seeing what they were, I ran my tongue across my gums and realized, suddenly, that I had no teeth.

"Open up," he said, smiling. "You'll need to join these to yourself. Hopefully, by now, you've gotten the hang of it. The only way we'll be able to tell is if they stay in place."

He pressed the top set of teeth against my gums, and I willed them to stick. They did.

He smiled and said, "Very good."

He pressed the bottom set into place, and I willed them to join my growing network of magical body parts. The artificer returned to his workbench, grabbed a vial of brown goo, and walked back over.

"I'm going to touch a bit of this to your false teeth - top first - and then bottom - tell me what your teeth convey to you."

He opened the vial, touched his forefinger to some of the gooey residue on the inside of the flask, and pulled it out. I felt my eyebrows wrinkle at his weird instructions - but - as soon as he touched his finger to my teeth - my body automatically recoiled. His face was deadly serious, but he laughed at my reaction.

He touched the substance to my bottom denture and I felt the same strong revulsion in my mind and stomach. I pulled away from him again. He made sure the vial was stoppered, returned it to its place on his shelves, and washed his finger off in the sink.

"It's a mild poison," he told me. "Based on your reaction, my design worked. The teeth should tell you if something is safe to eat or drink. Just be careful to touch questionable foods or drinks against your teeth first - probably with a clean finger - like I did."

"That was MILD?" I asked him.

"Yeah. You should be able to control the sensitivity like you did the ear. I would suggest playing with it until you get it fine-tuned. My main intention, with the dentures, was for you to be able to determine if water was drinkable - and food was safe to eat - not so much for testing poisons."

"Cool."

"Thanks," he said, happy that his invention - or magical creation - worked as expected.

He returned to the workbench again and came back with something that fit inside of his small hand.

"This one is two pieces," he said. "The eyeball and the patch."

"Now," I told him, chuckling, "if I just had a peg leg and a hook hand - in addition to the eyepatch - I could be Pete the Pirate."

"The leg will do that, if you want. I suppose I could add a hook option to the hand."

I laughed and said, "I was just kidding."

He smiled and nodded. "The eye itself will give you normal vision. The patch will give you options for thermal, night, infrared, trap-detection, and magic-detection. It's actually not a protective covering - it's a translucent lens or filter."

"Fucking A!" I exclaimed.

Xill laughed and leaned close to insert the eyeball. As soon as it was in place, I made myself try to see through it. I hadn't even realized that I hadn't been able to see on that side of my head before.

"Amazing," I told him. "Everything is so clear."

"It's 30/20 by default. You can zoom in quite a bit but don't do it while you're moving."

"Sounds good."

He placed the eyepatch over the eye and said, "Try to see through it - just like you did the eye. Look for traps first."

I glanced at the ceiling. It was covered in a spider-web of golden threads. I gasped.

Xill laughed and said, "My workshop is heavily booby-trapped. Look at the doorknob."

I did. There were a dozen golden threads running away from the knob. My eyes shot to his.

"You're safe. I had to give you access to get your body in here."

"Body," I said, amazed at the thought of how much of a corpse I'd been when the tiny magician had brought me here.

He nodded and headed back to the workbench.

"And now," he announced, his voice filled with good-hearted teasing, "for the moment your future lovers have all been waiting for ..."

I couldn't help but laugh. He was carrying my cock and balls. I realized his wife had seen me naked - however many times she been here to heal me - and now her husband was carrying my nasty bits in his hands so that I could write my name in the snow once again.